A
female
age
41-50,
*ed591
writes:i hit one wrong button and deleted everything I wrote so here is a reduced version. I was talking to a guy for two months via text and hung out a few times. He works at the same place I do but don't see him hardly at all so I wasn't worried about that. He was recently out of a three year relationship and seemed really into me. Not a day would pass that I wouldn't get a text from him. We finally slept together after a lot of sexual talk and it was a bit awkward as it can be with someone new but nothing crazy happened. I got a little dry once but that heppens with condom use. He said I could stay over till he had to go to court in the morning but that was like 4 hours later so I said I would just go home and hugged him. He did not send anything the next day so the day after i sent a text saying "had fun. remodeling of house looks great be safe" I really didn't expect a reply at this point but he immediately replied that he was working crazy hours and then later texted to see how work was going for me. I told him about how i had a headache and he said he knew that was rough and I told him i was going to lay down. He texted the next day to ask how my head was and we chatted a bit. sunday, he asked what i was doing and i said watching the 911 documentary and he said he was watching football with friends and drinking beer. he did not invite me out with them. he then texted later to say that he was going to bed. I texted monday to see if he had a hangover and to make a joke. he laughed and said he didn't drink that much and I said that I only drink like twice a year. i did not get a response back though this was very late. He has made no contact with me since we texted monday. It is friday night. I'm not stupid I know everyone will say he is just not that into you anymore but it is causing me a coplex. we used to talk for hours at his other job as i would drive up there and he would chat with me. It seems like everything died because we had sex. I guess I'm all worried that I suck in bed or something. I'm worried that I was built up in his head and reality didn't measure up but I always prided myself on bedrooms skills. I hate to think I was played from the beginning but i know its a possibility. I have not tried to text and ask what is wrong or where he is or anything like that. Its just mind boggling that we had talked so much and now after sex...nothing. I mean am I not worth a pathetic "I'm not looking for a relationship" or "we didn't connect" text? silence is so disrespectful and cruel. I mean I know he didnt meet someone else the next day but if he just didn't want to see me anymore why even ask what i was doing sunday. why not just say "hey this isn't gonna work". when i texted that i had fun. I don't understand what went wrong. I know its not my fault but it sucks cause I really liked him. he was my age, no kids, decent house and cool job. I messed something up that night but I guess all I can do is salvage my pride by not trying to chase him and ask him to explain himself. I'm smart enough to know that this is pointless although this has never happened to me before
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female
reader, Red591 +, writes (17 December 2012):
Red591 is verified as being by the original poster of the question I forgot about this happening as i have not been on this site in soooo long. This guy actually tried to text me a couple weeks later but I was in New York on training. I told him that I was in New York and he never said anything further. I can't believe I even cared about this at one time as I had forgotten all about it till now.
A
female
reader, Red591 +, writes (24 September 2011):
Red591 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have a feeling our paths will cross again and I will relish putting him in his place but for right now I need to get over it and meet other people. Thank You so much for all of your advice as it is highly theraputic to see different view points. Thanks everyone :)
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (22 September 2011):
You didn't mention you called him after that text joke. You said your last contact with him was that text joke you sent him late in the evening. My post was based on that info.
If you did call him and he hasn't bothered getting back to you, indeed let him go and move on; it's obvious he is looking for the easy way out.
However, if this call you made was prior to that last text, then I would try again and get clarity. If he's indeed trying to slip away unnoticed, I would make him talk his way out of it first. If this is his way of hooking up with women it would be good to put him in his place.
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female
reader, Red591 +, writes (22 September 2011):
Red591 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionits not the call that scares me. Its the "hey what happened where did you go" call answered by a voice mail with no call back. Or the ignored text message. NO GUY goes from texting everyday to nothing if he is interested. Perhaps my pride does keep me from contacting him again but I thinks its all I can salvage out of this ya know. I got used and then tossed aside. It happens and now it happened to me. I'm an adult and I am already moving forward. Hell I had to be the one to intitially make contact after the sex. I was also the last one to make contact. Am I supposed to chase him down and demand my respect? I think not. He is an adult and he knows what he is implying by ignoring me and that is "no further interest". I'm a big girl and I'm hardly agonizing over it now as I was before but thanks to everyone for their answers
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (20 September 2011):
You have been posting about this back and forth, keeping this in your mind for days at a time, wondering, analyzing, assuming, and torturing yourself because you have this rule in your head that it's the guy's turn to contact you.
I've seen friendships gone to waste over petty stuff like that. "I called the last time so they should call me." Then the wait gets too long and the other party starts thinking "I should call, but now it'll be awkward and if they really valued me they would have called again." On and on. Until it takes too long and what used to me one step on the stairs suddenly became a mountain.
What pride is lost by making that call? Pride certainly isn't gained or kept by silence. I get you're feeling vulnerable, but you're just making this harder for yourself by not knowing. Let go of all this dating 101 crap and just go get what you want. You slept with this guy. You gave him that much. Might as well go the extra inch and call him up so he knows you stand for something.
To me, pride is lost in cowardice. And this sounds like you're trying to rationalize it all away because you're afraid to make that call. You're also beating yourself up over the issue, which is not good at all.
Like I said, not every guy does everything by this rulebook you have in front of you. There's no rule that says you're pathetic for wanting clarity. If any, I'd say it would make you more admirable, atleast a lot more than him, if you put yourself out there.
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reader, Red591 +, writes (20 September 2011):
Red591 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI DID make contact after the sex. he responded and we talked back and forth for a week and then he went silent. When I say I don't chase guys, it means I don't keep texting/calling after i made the last contact. It seems so pathetic. I guess I will have to suffer not knowing what happened in order to keep my pride but I am moving on. I mean if he did want a relationship, I would not be on this site asking this question so in reality I guess I already knew the answer. He knew I liked him, this it for sure so the ball is his court however I have a feeling that by the time he throws the ball to me, I'll looking at another player on the team. lol
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2011): A man you shouldn't sleep with:1. texts instead of calls2. Doesn't take you out on dates3. Isn't completely open about his life and doesn't introduce you into his circle4. Wants to hang out, often last minute or lets you know the night before, sex or no sex5. Contact is inconsistent or doesn't progress to calling you regularly 6. Time spent with you is inconsistent and not placed as a main priority and doesn't progress to 3-4x a week7. Never mentions anything about not seeing other people or requesting you do the same8. Doesn't ask questions about your friends, family, or interests beyond the superficial9. Doesn't express interest in meeting your friends or joining in on your interests with you to get to know you betterA man who does the above is treating you as a backup and will discard you after sex or use you as a filler until he meets someone who requires the above before she lets him get in her pants. It's unfair but how things are.A man who wants a relationship will do those things automatically. There's no time frame but you have to be spending a good portion of time together to get there and it will happen naturally on his end.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (20 September 2011):
 I agree with Chigirl to some extent, in the sense that if this thing is bothering you and consuming your thoughts, better pick up that phone and getting clarity. It's always better knowing clearly what's the situation, even an unpleasant one, that having no clue what went wrong and why and when.
For the rest though I must confirm my opinion; assuming is always risky and maybe you made the wrong assumptions , based on flawed premises. You say literally in your post " I was talking to a guy for two months via text and we hung out a few times ". Taking this to signal that he wanted a steady , monogamous relationship... I don't know, maybe you are a more optimistic type than I am .
Of course I hope that I am wrong , and that you can soon give us an update totally dismantling my theory ! Only, if you want an explanation, you'll have to pick up that phone and ask it.
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reader, chigirl  +, writes (20 September 2011):
 And yet, the only reason you aren't in contact with him, and don't know the answer, and are worrying so much, is because you "don't chase guys". Giving a man you care for a call after you had sex is hardly "chasing" him. For all you know he's thinking YOU only wanted sex from him... If you liked him, and this hasn't happened to you before, I think you can judge people fairly okay, and you genuinely didn't think he was a player only interested in sex. So, maybe he didn't just want the sex. But maybe he is shy and afraid to contact you, after all it's been days since he heard from you!
You're not going to lose chances with him if you give him one little call to clear the air. You're planning on letting him drift away in silence for heavens sake, what do you have to lose by giving him a call to end your worries?
Be up front. Call. Ask. You're an adult, not a coy teenager. You trusted him enough to sleep with him and share something intimate, yet you are scared of calling him, worried that he will reject you perhaps? How is that worse than assuming he doesn't want you, but never knowing because YOU didn't contact him?
This isn't the middle ages. So why not get over the games of "not being the one to chase". Because that is just GAMES. Stay real. You're very capable of dialing the number. Looking forward to hearing what he had to say. And if you worry what to tell him, I recommend this:
"Hey! I wanted to contact you for a while, but felt weird about it. I like you, and enjoy spending time with you. Is there a particular reason for why I haven't heard from you since we spent the night together? I'd like to see you again."
And, not in a begging voice. Be up front and state the facts as they are: you like him, and you don't know why he didn't call, but you'd like it if he did call, because.. you like him and don't want things to end here. Worst case scenario is he tells you all he wanted was sex... but if you never speak to him that's what you'll believe anyway, so ... what do you have to lose really? And what do you have to WIN?
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reader, Red591 +, writes (19 September 2011):
Red591 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell I wanted it under the assumption that it was headed somewhere. I guess I assumed wrong. He did not have a girlfriend but if he was hung up on someone I wouldn't know that unless he told me. He made me think he liked me and I stupidly slept with him after talking and hanging out for two months so I guess that's all he was in it for. I wish there wish I knew that because if I did I would not have done it. I'm not like that. I thought we would continue seeing eachother but guess not. I don't chase guys so I guess I'll never know what's in his head because he has not said a damn word about why he quit contact and I'm not asking him. I am trying to move forward. Maybe he will end up regretting it and maybe he won't. Just sucks to be me right now is all.
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reader, soon567 +, writes (18 September 2011):
You said thats all he wanted! You didn't want to have sex with this guy? What did he do wrong? He wanted to have sex with you and iLm going to assume you gave it to him willingly. How do you feel used from something you both wanted. You isn't his wife so don't complain about servicing him like you were.
I read all the response and some of them are really worth taking. Its possible that he's not single too. If his heart belongs to another then he's not free to date.
I would just talk to him and see where he's headed, you may or may not be in his direction.
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (18 September 2011):
Well, if your last text was that joke you sent, and he didn't have the time to reply to it (asleep maybe) he might have disregarded it in the morning. I mean, it's not like your last text was a question that needed answering. It was just a comment.
Also, let go of the "guys are supposed to [insert rule]" and "girls are [insert rule]". It doesn't always work that way. You can't reduce human interaction to something accompanied by a handbook. You may be blowing this way out of proportion. He may genuinely not know what to do now and secretly hoping for you to initiate contact again. And sure, he may just have been in it for the sex. I wasn't there so I don't know.
I would say to simply let the chips fall where they may and cut the crap when he contacts you again, but it's tearing you up so much you might want to rush ahead and contact him sooner than that. It's the only way you'll know where you stand immediately. Don't text, but call instead. You need to talk to him, not give him the option of not replying to you. If it turns out he was just in it for the sex, that's that but atleast he'll know not to leave women in the dark about it in the future.
And please stop mulling over this. The issue shouldn't be allowed to take hostage of your mind any longer than it already has.
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (18 September 2011):
Initiate contact. Ask him to meet up. Then talk to him and ask him if he's been avoiding you for some reason? Tell him you really like him, and was under the impression that this was the beginning of something, then see how he stands. In other words: it's time for the relationship talk! Time to either commit or get out!
For the future, do yourself a favour and have the relationship talk before you have sex. Saves you a lot of worrying and wondering.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (18 September 2011):
It sounds there was a disparity in expectations- you thought you were headed something, so having sex would have been a starting point toward more,- and he saw it ( maybe ) as the bus terminal.
Well... I know that hindsight is 20/20,so it's easy for me to say, yet I still think you should / could have seen it coming.
Two months is not terribly soon for being intimate after dating, but you weren't dating, you were texting. Texting is a very low maintenance, superficial way of communicating, it's good for shooting the breeze, not for getting to know a person, I think if he had been really interested he would have bothered at least talking by phone. Also, you mention hanging out a couple of times, I maybe wrong but this suggests something very casual and unplanned. You don't mention him ever asking you out on a real date, inviting you out for dinner or such.
Most importantly , what were you talking about ? " A lot of sexual talk ". So, that's what he had mostly in mind : sex. If he had been curious to get to know you better as perspective gf material, you can be sure convos would have been mostly about your passions, interests, personality etc. If he had wanted to pursue you, he would have been more interested in knowing which books or movies you like, or your views about X, Y and Z, rather than what's your favourite sex position. A little sexy banter, perhaps, but not " a lot of sexual talk ". That tells, IMO, that is focus was on you more as a sexual opportunity than as a whole person, so it's not surprising that as such you have been evaluated .
I'm not saying the guy is history and he'll never show up again, I think he will. But, since the whole thing has been imposted as casual and sex-based from the get-go, - that's probably how he intends to play it from now on.
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reader, Red591 +, writes (18 September 2011):
Red591 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIf I had a time machine I would have not had sex so soon. Its not fair that men chase you and if you let them catch you and its possibly too soon or before a connection has been made enough, he counts it as a stike against you. Such crap. I learned my lesson as this is the first time this has happened but I wish I had learned it before I met him
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female
reader, Red591 +, writes (18 September 2011):
Red591 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell my last text to him was Monday and I said some joke about me not being able to drink that much. He never responded and has not made contact since so obviously he doesn't want me I guess. I mean It is aleady Sunday now. He used to never go one day without texting me. Maybe I am truely horrible in bed or that is all he wanted and he now has dropped me. I have no clue. He seemed so interested and into me and now nothing. Live and learn I guess. I have a feeling if I tried to ask him what was up, he would just give some bull about being busy which wouldn't answer why he did what he did so why bother right. And if he thinks I'm the one who is not interested because I'm not making contact everyday then that is silly because a guy is supposed to keep contact up for the most part. I sent the last text Monday so I won't send another. It has been about a week. I guess he just isn't interested anymore :( hurts cause I thought we were getting somewhere
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reader, maverick494 +, writes (18 September 2011):
Well, if you initiated contact again after the last text you wrote about in your original post, I'd say it's up to him now.
There are no written rules; everyone just does what they like. That's the problem. I don't think you 'gave it up' too soon. Two months, especially when you click well and it feels right seems like enough time passed in my opinion. It all depends.
If after a week you still haven't heard from him and you want to know where you stand, call him up if you like. I like to put people on the spot and let them squirm if they don't even have the decency of letting me know they're not interested.
However, right now just try to occupy yourself with other things than him. Visit friends, go out, do something fun. Try to forget about him and file this situation in your head for future reference. If he does contact you and it turns out he just needed some time to figure out where he wanted to take this, that's nice. If he doesn't contact you, just try and see it for what it was; a short enjoyable experience, even if the end was disappointing.
Whatever you do, don't get stuck with your thoughts anymore. It serves no purpose other than making you doubt yourself and that's not what you should take away from this experience.
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reader, Red591 +, writes (17 September 2011):
Red591 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell that is just it. I did initiate the text after the sex. He responded then it eventually died off with me saying the last text. I just think the ball is in his court now. I said I had a good time and I made contact after the fact and Monday was the last time we talked and its saturday now. I really think if he had a true interest he would say something. If I have to intitiate contact again than why would that work to bring him around. I'm sure I should have waited longer but hell I had talked to him for over two months and whe had hung out before a few times with no sex so I don't know. I guess I don't know all these friggin rules. He is the one who stopped talking to me. I don't know what is going through his head but I just don't think me sending messages and trying to act like nothing happened is a better idea then leaving it up to him. Although at this point I doubt I'll get the contact that I used to. Hell I may never hear from him again. I made the mistake of giving it up but I thought it was headed somewhere. ugh
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (17 September 2011):
I don't see the big issue. It's been a couple of days only. Don't jump to conclusions just yet. He may be trying to figure out his next move. He's been replying to your previous texts so that gives me an indication he doesn't view you as a one-night-thrill. I've been without texts for 2 weeks at a time sometimes. Nothing was wrong but there simply wasn't much to text about. It happens. Don't freak. Don't bring yourself down. And if you really can't handle the wait, initiate the contact yourself with an innocent text.
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reader, RedAthena +, writes (17 September 2011):
 Follow his lead and step back. You may have had sex too soon and he simply is not ready for more.
It may have all been too much, too fast for him.
Approaching him with talk about your worries, questions, etc. will just come across as clingy and cause him to step backwards faster.
Jump back into your life and activities. Let him figure it out on his own.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2011): You did nothing wrong but he isn't interested in a relationship so he doesn't want to encourage you or lead you on. He probably thought you were on the same page when you were sex texting because dating or being exclusive was not a prerequisite to sex for you.
Men and women have conflicting interests when it comes to dating: Men look for sex and find love. Women look for love and find sex.
A man's motive is always sex but he'll find love with the kind of woman who requires he court her the right way before she has sex with him.
A woman's motive is to find true love but she winds up with just sex because she requires so little from him, no connection is built.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2011): instead of trying to guess what his silence means, has it occurred to you that maybe he's trying to guess what YOUR silence means? and playing the same games that you are? maybe after you two slept together now you had this big hangup thinking "OMG is something going to be different now??" and maybe he's also thinking the same, so you are acting weird and thus so is he or maybe he started acting weird first so then you did too.why not invite him to hang out like you used, and behave towards him as if nothing has changed. This does not have to mean you're 'chasing after him' or being pathetic or clingy. I mean, you have every right to behave normally towards him as if nothing changed. then if something really did change you'll either get a more concrete sense of it after awhile (not just after, say, 10 minutes of interaction!) or he'll be 'forced' to say something. I mean, it sounds like you'd rather hear an explanation than nothing, right?. you are not clingy because if you were you'd not have been so aloof towards him this past week. so get over your fear of appearing foolish if you were to be more "normal" towards him. right now you're just perpetuating or maybe even creating from scratch a pattern of changed behavior and awkwardness between you two. He may be self-conscious and insecure and that could be what caused his change in behavior, but you're making it worse if you're being that way too.when pride and insecurity and self-consciousness makes you play games rather than be honest and open in your relationships, you're left making stuff up in your mind and second guessing yourself going crazy rather than getting the information you need to make decisions for yourself.
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reader, Red591 +, writes (17 September 2011):
Red591 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionoh yeah also it had been like 7 months since he split with the ex so I figured he had enough single time but obviously he did not or he just isn't into me like that or worse yet............bad sex lol I sure hope its not that last one
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reader, Red591 +, writes (17 September 2011):
Red591 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell he did reply but he hasn't spoken to me in 5 days. he used to never go one day and the only thing different is sex so that has to be the problem. I have not bothered him and I'm definately giving space but i can't help feeling rejected and a little used. What I wouldn't give for a time machine lol
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reader, soon567 +, writes (17 September 2011):
I think ur overreacting to this situation. Jusr give ut time. Im sure you was good.
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female
reader, Koala Bear  +, writes (17 September 2011):
 Try not to over react about things. Nothing has really been a huge red flag except for him coming out of a long term relationship and your prior conversations with him focusing on the topic of sex. I wouldn't say that he used you, but I would say that he may not be ready for a relationship right now. He's newly single, and trying to get the idea of the other woman out of his head. You probably helped with that. I know it does hurt when someone can't communicate with you the truth of about how they feel. But you know the answer. He's not ready. He's just a gentleman who is confused and trying to sort out emotions and feelings. This is why its so important for people to develop as individuals between relationships. Jumping from one relationship immediately to another is foolish.I would give him a little space. Let him find himself. On the up side he still relied to your messages so this is good and "respectful" as you so much wanted.
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