A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I realize this is a little long. Please bear with me... I'm a recent graduate of the RN program (Class of 2011!) and I've been dating my boyfriend for three irritatingly long years. He's two years younger than me making him 19. I realize that the first year of our relationship was technically statutory rape but we actually didn't start having sex until the day after his 18th birthday. A fact I pride myself on mainly because he was my first at age 20. I was not his first, however. In fact, I was his fifth. And he was 18 at the time! *facepalm*Anyway... he's currently unemployed living in his parent's basement and has dropped out of college for the second time. I'm living on my own, paying my own bills, and for the last three months (since I got the place), he's been trying to guilt-trip me into letting him move into my apartment. Always saying things like, "Don't you find it weird that I've been your boyfriend for three years and we're not living together?" And while it may be a social norm for young couples such as ourselves to get a place together, I know that he would never help me with bills or rent and I would be the only one providing groceries, laundry money, and what have you. Of course I don't want him living with me! He's been mooching off of me since I became a CNA three years ago and he's actually the reason why it took me two years longer than I wanted to get the hell out of my parents' house! I just kept spending MY hard earned cash on HIM!Now, I currently work at a hospital because I got lucky enough to not have to start out at a nursing home. I'm making BANK for how old I am and how inexperienced as a nurse I am. Which is why I decided to get a brand-spankin' new car rather than keep the little, $1k, mechanically-shit car I've had since I was 16. I've stuck to my budget with my apartment, though.Anyway, there have been several times when I've had talks with him about all of this. I've even taken him job application hunting and had made him (with me sitting across the table from him) call potential employers to ask about his application status. In this world, you get absolutely nowhere if you don't have the initiative. I've explained to him that even though I have a criminal record (a retail theft misdemeanor from when I was 18 to which my lovely boyfriend was involved), I've done my duty as a citizen under punishment to get my shit together and finally look forward.He's done nothing. Literally. Nothing. At this point, I have no idea what to do about him anymore! Financially and career-wise, I'm moving on from his lazy ass. What makes my situation even more depressing is that there's a doctor here not much older than myself (he's 27) and he's expressed a lot of interest in me. He's actually in his intern year so he's not making as much as he will be in say, three years, but he's a freakin' doctor! Who likes me! A just graduated RN! I really can not believe my luck. He's a really respectful guy; he doesn't blatantly flirt with other women in front of me or even talk about other women with me. We actually talk about movies, books, and the works. Surprisingly, we have a lot in common: Like our love for Harry Potter! =]So, naturally and in lieu of trying to make this doctor work a little harder for my heart, I actively show how sad I am about having such a dead-beat boyfriend. Obviously, my parents and my friends keep telling me to dump his good-for-nothing ass but I'm not sure if my heart can take that kind of hurt right now. I mean, I've had the first love's heart break before with a guy I dated for two years back in the beginning of high school but I don't know. I guess in the back of my head, I always kind of thought that THIS guy, my current boyfriend, would be the one.Boy, have things turned out completely wrong... or perhaps, completely right. All I'm saying is that I think I need a little advice from all you aunts and uncles. How do I get rid of the nothingness in my life and start off new? Because honestly, I'm not sure I would even start a relationship right away with this doctor. It would take a little while for my heart to heal. Know what I'm sayin'? Thanks...
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2011): Well, that was long. :) But I read the whole thing and here is my advice.
You have to love people for who they are, and I must tell you that this guy is exactly what he is showing you. He might have jobs here and there. He might go to school, but maybe not. He might have big plans that just never go anywhere. In the end, he is exactly what you get. You get a guy who is the way he is and will probably always be that way until he decides all by himself to change, and you can't count on change. You can count on what you see right in front of you.
That doesn't mean he's a bad guy. Maybe he'd be a great at home dad or something. But you can't count on him financially. If you stay with him you will be saying, "I agree to be the bread winner, and you will be the house-husband." And you'd have to stick up for him and support the fact of who he is.
Now, I understand a lot of people can't do that. They just can't. They can't accept that some people are not in the mold. It could be that he has something underlying that causes him to be this way, such as a mental illness. It could jsut be that he is one of those people that just doen't get a career or a job. Either way, assume it is forever.
If you can't do that, then break up with him. If you can, then just be ready not only for the years of him not having a job, but the people who always give you the "why doesn't your man work?" lecture. Because they will. Oh yes, they will.
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