A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:hi...i broke up with my bf a couple of weefs ago... i still love him so much, but in this past few months he had been giving a really hard time!he's very insecure and during our relationship we had a lot of arguments because he thought i was cheating on him, when i wasn't. i got used to it, but at the same time, started to get tired of this treatment.also, i'm in the most terrible year of my life! in a month i have a test that will determine the future of my carrier, so i have to study a lot! i needed support and he just didn't care...so, after the tenth fight in the same week, i told him i couldn't handle being in a relationship with him anymore... i felt i wasn't focusing in the most important thing for me right now, wich is acing the test a mentioned and leaving my parents house... starting my own life!he broke up with me a couple of times before, but we often got back together in no time (he used to tell me that he made a huge mistake and that he loved me and bla bla bla...)but now that i broke up with him, he doesn't even want to hear what i have to say! even though we talk everyday about college, the weather and other unimportant things...i don't know if regret the choice i made... especially today, when he told me he is going to a party... i want to focus on my life but i don't wanna lose him... i just thought i'd give him a wake up call, like "hello! you're going to lose your gf if you keep acting like an a**hole" and that he'd start treating me better... but now, he's going to parties and i feel terrible! my self steem is lower than ever and i keep thinking that i'm going to be alone forever...what can i do? i feel sooo lost!
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (12 June 2011):
Just wanted to give a nod to kittykins great answer. The sooner you banish this guy from your life the better. Someone who makes you feel like this is not worth your time nor attention. Please keep this in mind whilst ignoring him and enjoy that for once you're the one in control.
To make this less hard, try to cram more activities in your day. Exercise, do sports, read, have that TV series marathon with friends, etc. Do all the stuff you didn't have time for before and you'll find that the more you do, the easier it becomes to ignore him.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you kittykins for the lovely answer... i guess i needed to hear that, better, i needed to read that! you know exactly what i'm going through... i'll take your advice and focus on my life... that's what i should be doing instead of stressing about him going out...
Batterytea, you got it all wrong... and i can't blame you. maybe i didn't make myself clear... he didn't tell me he felt insecure, he yeld that. I did my best to make him feel secure, i even stoped talking to my friends because of my relationship... i hugged him constantly saying i was loyal, and he knew that, since we were together 24/7 for 5 years. but i couldn't stand anymore being yeld at for doing something i didn't, not after 5 years... at first, i understood. but after a couple years, it felt wrong. i've considered his feelings for a long time... i just can't do it anymore! i only asked for advice because changing is so hard... but it was necessary! i only hope i'm strong enough not to call him, or text him... like i said, he was my 24/7... and i miss him a lot, but i can't let him treat me badly! not when i'm in such a stressful moment of my life!
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A
female
reader, kittykins  +, writes (11 June 2011):
 First of all, you aren't going to be alone forever:) And secondly, I can completely sympathize with your situation. Your ex sounds very much like one of mine: a very selfish person, that likes playing mind games...
I know it's hard, but you need to realize that no matter what you do, he will NEVER change. Every time you get back together with him, you are giving him the excuse to think that he can make you do everything he wants, so you're dancing to his tune. He breaks up with you, maintains control, comes back to you when he wants, and expects you to just hang around and wait for him to do so. This is completely unacceptable, and unhealthy.
The reason he won't hear anything about it from you is because he's maintaining that power I mentioned. The more he denies you, the more he feels he wears the trousers. It's a very destructive mind game.
I've been through this so many times with my ex, and like you, my self esteem took a major blow. There is light at the end of this tunnel, however.
My best advice is to have some space away from him. Focus on yourself, your career, and your friends. It will be really hard, but do not give in. Don't text him, don't email. If you see him, smile, be civil, but keep the conversation to a minimum. Believe me, he will try his best to worm back to get that control over you again. But don't let him. It's downright disrespectful, and you probably won't see this for a long time. Hindsight is a powerful thing.
For example, my ex was drunk in the pub when I told him my mother had just had a severe heart attack. He didn't come with me to the hospital, preferring to stay alone at the bar, getting more drunk. Sounds disgusting, doesn't it? At the time I was blind to it. But now, I'm outraged. He dumped me not long after, and I still took him back, using another two years with him!!! (And that was just a mild example, I could go on for hours!)
Don't waste anymore of your time on this person, he doesn't deserve you. You have your own life to lead, and I think its best if he weren't in it. Perhaps in the far future he'll be mature enough to handle a relationship, but at the moment he's far too childish. You will feel hurt, desperate, lonely, and lost- but you mustn't give in to him. He has had far too many chances, and as they say: you shouldn't have to chase love once you've delivered it.
Good luck, my dear. You will get there in the end. I hope that helps:) xx
ps, don't worry about him going to parties, dear. If he dates anyone he meets there, just think what that poor girl will have to put up with... Chin up, you'll get there:)
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female
reader, Batterytea  +, writes (11 June 2011):
 Don't take this the wrong way, but I think YOU are the one being a jerk here.
Relationships are not one-sided. They require the love, help, and participation of both sides. He was doing his part by being very open about when he was feeling insecure and he was worried you were cheating on him. He chose to tell you! I know that lots of people would be too scared to tell their partner if they were feeling that way.
I know it might feel crummy if your boyfriend is suspicious about you cheating on him, because you feel like he hasn't acknowledged your loyalty, but put yourself in his shoes. When he feels that way, what you have to do is hug him and tell him never to worry about that, because you always were and always will only love him. You're supposed to make those feelings of insecurity disappear, because that's your job as the other side of the relationship.
But what YOU did was be quite rude to him, and just ignore it, and you even went as far as to get angry at him and start fights. Then you told him you'd break up with him if he continued his behavior.
Wrong wrong wrong. Everything you did would have only made him feel even more insecure! Imagine you're dating someone and you suspect they're cheating, anf when you tell them, they either ignore you or tell you that you're being an asshole and that if you don't stop, he'll break up with you.
It makes you think "wow, he would break up with me over this...maybe he IS cheating and just wants us over with".
And how can you get upset about him going to parties!? You're even more insecure than he is! Have you realized that? If you can't even let your boyfriend go to parties, I'd have to say that you're the one bringing the relationship down.
I don't think you're considering your boyfriend's feelings, and you're only thinking about your own.
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