| A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: I'm engaged to be married in a couple months, but I'm concerned that my fiance might not be strongly attracted to me sexually.When I've asked her, she says she is very attracted to me, but she only wants sex 1-2 times per week (she's mid 30s, I'm mid 40s). Part of what bothers me is that I know that with past boyfriends (e.g. 2-4 years ago) she was highly sexual, to the point that she says she was addicted to sex. I also know that with one of her exes ("ex X") she'd drive an hour to where he lived just to have sex, then drive back after couple hours. I also know she exchanged quite a few very explicit emails with him talking about how much she loved the sex, etc. She sends me lots of emails telling me she loves me, misses me, etc., but she never sends me any emails saying she wants to have sex with me, etc. I asked her about it once, and she said "I had a different relationship with him".She says she's happy with our sex life, and she just "got carried away a bit" when it came to sex with her exes. I don't know a lot about her past, but she says "that's all he had" when I did ask her about sex with ex X. She also says he was a complete loser, a jerk, etc. But, she did stay with him for about 4 months. But, it seems she's often not in the mood for sex with me. She often says she's too tired, etc. I often find myself thinking "she used to drive an hour just to get laid by X, but she doesn't want to do it with me even though I'm right here". On the other hand, I really don't know how often she had sex with ex X either. It's posssible it was only 1-2 times per week with him also. She does want to spend time with me, she says she loves me, she says she's very attracted to me, that I'm very attractive, etc. We see each other almost every day, she calls me frequently, and she says she thinks about me all the time. I've asked her a few times if she's attracted to me, and she insists very strongly that she is. But, I do also know that money is quite important to her when it comes to someone she wants to get married to, and I can't help but wonder to what extent she just says these things because I meet her requirements in terms of money. She says she'd love me and want to get married to me even if I wasn't well-off, but it's hard to know if she's just saying that (I'm not extremely wealthy by any means, but I am a successful professional with a "prestiguous" position and a very good income).I tend to be somewhat insecure by nature, so it's hard for me to sort out how much of my feelings about this are driven by my own insecurity, and how much it is a real concern? I just don't trust my own feelings about this.I guess my big fear is that she isn't all that attracted to me sexually, and she'll end up cheating on me at some point because of this.
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engaged, fiance, her ex, her past, in the mood, insecure, money, sex life Reply to this Question
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (12 June 2011):
 This is your insecurity speaking.
2 times a week, for a woman that's in her mid 30s and probably also has a job, errands and chores,social obligations etc.,sounds pretty normal to me, it's not like she is frigid or avoiding sex on purpose.
So, once in her life, for a whole .... what ,4 months ? she went on a rampage and had a sex marathon with a total loser. Everybody can make mistakes. Maybe if she had stayed with him the sexual activity would have naturally dwindled down after the novelty phase, as it often happens. Maybe she was so highly sexual with him because that's the only way she had to connect and communicate with him ,the only language they had in common ( and pretty soon she got tired ).Maybe the relationship was on shaky grounds , so unstable that every time they met could be the last, so she sort of felt she had to grab any possible chance. While with you she knows it's for the long run, so if you don't do it today you'll do it tomorrow, no big deal.Maybe she found out that she prefers one long night of tender ,romantic lovemaking to several frenzied bouts of animalistic lust.
There can be a lot of maybes, it all boils down to trust.
I.e. : if she says she likes ypu sexually and she finds you attractive, then you have to trust her. This supposedly is the woman you love, and there's no real love, no relationship in fact , without trust.
If you have to doubt anything she says, then why are you even with her ? Find yourself someone you can trust.
That goes even more for the money issue. Of course it makes sense for a well - off gentleman to be prudent and discriminating, and screen off potential golddiggers, but apparently she passed your screening ,to the point that you are talking about marriage ! So, is this what you think about your future wife, and maybe the mother of your future children. that she very possibly could be a money hungry liar out to scam you and cuckold you as soon as she can ?... But, if this is the opinion you have about her.... why are you even with her to begin with ??
A
male
reader, Dodds  +, writes (11 June 2011):
 Sorry about what youre going through,it seems you really love this girl,from my past relationships ive learnt to never ask my partner if she is still attractd to me,if she still loves me,ive learnt not to expose my weaknesses to her coz,i cant actually explain why but it turns them off,one other chick told me how needy guys just turn her off emotionaly n sexualy,in your case your instincts are telling you that the sex part of your rltshp is a weak spot that needs to be workd on,her ex was probably very skilld in that department,but bottom line its just a skill like any other that can be learnt,take sm time n do research,theres lots of gd material out there on the net,on the ground for u to use,try diff things with her to find out wht gets her off,and one important thing also concerning your feelings of insecurity and jealousy,try n just let them go coz when your woman detects them it shows your lack of self confidence which makes her feel less confident in you..her man..as a result n in sm cases lead her to think the grass is greener in other pastures,hence it becomes self fullfilling prophesy,so just keep your thoughts in check n start thinking more +vely,otherz have managed to turn similar situations around and so can you,gd luck...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2011): I think that where men can see love and sex as two different things, so can women. You probably awaken a romantic side in her which makes her want to do romantic stuff with you, not just sex but intimacy. You said she does want to do things with you and go places, which shows she definitely likes (loves) you very much. I think it's just that too much sex may make it less romantic for her, and that while she may have looked for wild sex with guys in the past, with you (please don't take this the wrong way, in a woman's point of view this is a good thing) she wants the intimacy.
P.s. You should watch the episode of friends where rachel says she just had animal sex with paolo but it was better with ross because they connected, and he was insulted. Not exactly your problem, but quantity probably has something to do with it, and it might clear things up when it comes to the workings of a female mind :)
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