A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:A month ago my husband after 12 years of being together said he loves me but is not in love with me anymore. He doesn't want a divorce and we are currently going to counceling together but he still wont tell me he loves me and he wont kiss me.. I am very confused there are times he will hold me on his own without me asking and there are times were I feel as if he doesn't want me around! I dont know what I should do! I love him very much and it hurts I think there was another women involved for a while because they had become very close friends and once her husband and her seperated this came about. Just a week earlier my husband told me he loved me and everyday up until this day!I just want some opinions and some advice really dont know what to do have been with him since I am 18 and we have 3 kids together.. Any advice would help.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2011): Get counseling help.
This isn't about you, it is about him and his psychological state. He may or may not have cheated on you, but whether he has or not isn't the point, the point is that he has lost something and is "directionless".
For the sake of all involved, get professional counseling help, and both of you go in there and tell the truth, the whole truth, and don't hide or hold anything back.
A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (12 June 2011):
 A lot of marriages, especially one as long as yours, do suffer from burnout and a lack of feeling. It is interesting that your husband confessed his feelings about this to you.
I agree that this could be a early mid-life crisis or he is feeling overwhelmed with the pressures of raising a family. Perhaps he married too young and is harboring some regrets. Maybe he was expecting fireworks and sparks for the rest of his married life and only a lucky few actually experience that level of love throughout their married life. He may be coming to grips with that realization and that when he married you he had higher expectations of what he'd be feeling at this point.
I think it is a very good sign that you are going to counseling and he shared his feelings about this with you.
I would suggest working on making a date night, at least once a week. Either games with the kids or actual date -- go see a movie, nice dinner, go bowling, go for a walk in the park, etc. Try to make it special, but fairly low key.
You may want to hit the bookstore as well and see what you can find there. I would recommend "The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage" By Dr Laura Schlessinger. She may have some advice that you could use.
I wish you the best and good luck!
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A
female
reader, Fiona Epton  +, writes (11 June 2011):
I'm so sorry this happened to you and i appreciate this is a very difficult situation.
Counselling is deffinitely a step in the right direction.
Did you try to get away together,just the two of you,to have a heartfelt conversation.You say you've been together for 12 years and have 3 kids. Maybe you got stuck in a rut or concentrated on you roles as parents and forgot that you're also a couple? Talk about your mutual expectations and what would you like to change to improve the things between the two of you.
Wishing you all the best.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2011): "I love you but I am not in love with you" usually means there is another person that they are in love with.
Your husband is not over his affair with the other woman.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (11 June 2011):
 He might be feeling an early midlife crisis, and also must have been distracted by this new woman in his life. It's good that you're in counselling, which is all you can do, and keep talking to him. Don't let yourself become complacent and apathetic.
Also, regardless of what he does or how he feels, improve yourself. Your life doesn't only have to be the kids and finances, you can do something to have fun. Have an adventure. It could merely be boredom of the everyday life that's caused the restlessness.
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