A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Would you talk with a man who calls you a c....t during arguments ? He seems to think this is acceptable and rarely apologises . Even if he does , it happens again the very next time we argue . I've had enough and my confidence is completely shot . These are not the only things he will say . He will callMe an insecure bitch and disgusting slut. Is there ever any excuse for this ? Is this normal for men these days.
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female
reader, Caring Aunty A +, writes (9 January 2017):
 If this sort of abnormal name calling behaviour is all one has grown up with, experienced and tolerated in life, only then this would be normal as they'd know no different.
Given a healthy respectful loving relationship, name calling is totally unheard of, and unacceptable.
A wise secure woman would see the red flags of abuse and move on long before she looses her confidence and starts to feel more insecure. As these men are all about control and breaking you down till you're an empty vessel! Is he succeeding so far?
By staying it's like giving him licence to continue his name calling as you are his captive audience and give him no consequences for his abuse. Not that it'll do you any good to ask him to stop, as it's a toxic relationship that needs discarding.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2017): No. Not acceptable. He in general has zero respect for women and also has no love or consideration for his wife, whom he's treating like doormat. YOU DESERVE WAY BETTER.
He has openly exposed his perverted mind, I bet he looks at all women through this glass of perversion. Do you sleep with dozen other guys and cheat on him? Then how can he call you a slut? truth is that men like these are mysogynic. Deep inside, they hate women and have a skewed perception of sex. what in life has bittered him to make him reasonlessly angry? It sounds like he's trying to find excuses so that he could vent out the hatred he has towards all women on YOU.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2017): HiI just want to add that abuse has nothing to do with anger. The anger is an act. It's to intimidate you and control your behaviour. If you look at the arguments, who starts them? Over what? When I was with my last abusive ex, he would fabricate situations to be angry about and I mean red in the face, eyes bulging, veins standing out on his face, the works. (So easy to create, you can make yourself look this angry if you want to, very easily as I'm sure you're aware).It was always such a shock, I would be thrown completely off balance and all I could do was to try and deal with the scary situation that was in front of me. I never had the chance at the time to rationally think about what he was doing, but in the book I recommended to you, it says that after an abusive explosion (which remember is an act and has nothing to do with anger), the man will often grin and smirk. Pleased with himself. That is EXACTLY what my ex would do. After reducing me to a shaking, crying wreck who was too scared to move a muscle, he would sit and look at me and smirk in a very pleased with himself way and ask 'What's wrong with you?' in a childish, horrible way.Sick making isn't it?In the car with him one day, I suddenly realised where all the arguments were coming from ....him. I'm not an arguing person, so it had always baffled me why we argued so much. I would say 'Oh we argue a lot' but never really understood why. I remember in the car, suddenly realising that he caused all the arguments. He would start them by saying things that weren't true about me, that were derogatory to me, that I was looking at other men, that I was too jealous etc etc. The boring well tried and tested statements that abusers are taught to use to get you arguing. I said to him, with my hands in my hair, because I'd just had this epiphany, 'I've just realised that YOU'RE the one that starts ALL THIS SHIT' and he attacked me. When he pulled up at a junction, he took my hands and dug his fingernails in to make them bleed and twisting them so hard that my whole hands were bruised for days. I had to wear make up on them to cover it up for work.When this kind of attack happens, obviously it causes shock. When we receive a shock, there is a well known psychological phenomenon that happens and that is, that we forget what has just gone before. Try chatting to someone and then while you're still chatting to them make a really loud bang with something (I don't mean do this without their consent and knowledge obviously). My psychology teacher used a heavy book and brought it down on his desk while he was talking. He then asked all of us in the class what he had just been talking about and not one of us could tell him. And it worked on me that day. I didn't totally forget it obviously, but it sure took my mind completely off what I'd just been saying obviously. He'd been rumbled and he had to stop me realising and talking about it. I'm saying all this because first I want you to know that anger has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with the scenarios your boyfriend is creating with you and secondly that when you say you argue I want you to look at it. How do the arguments start? I just want you to understand what you're dealing with here. Not an angry man who doesn't realise what he's saying is hurtful, but an abusive man who knows EXACTLY what he's doing to you and is rather pleased about it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (1 January 2017):
 I'd say this, whether it's "normal" or not... YOU can CHOOSE to not allow this unless he is your husband, do you HAVE to continue to talk to this guy?
If someone talked to me this way, they would get cut from my life. Because I realize that I can't not change another person and I have NO need to jump in the gutter with them and stoop to their level.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2017): There is nothing normal about what he is doing. He is being abusive and cruel. We all get mad. We all have arguments. But he is hitting below the belt. He is trying to hurt you. What kind of a man is this? Are you going to wait around for it to escalate? I think he has some serious anger issues he needs to address. Most men will never disrespect their wife or girlfriend by calling her the names you have mentioned. Not even in a fit of anger. Why? Because they respect her and would not let it get that far, no matter how angry they are. That is what a real man does. He shows restraint and respect. He pulls back and steps back. As it should be. This man wants to be in the power position. He seems to be controlling and manipulative and takes pleasure in putting you down. Not good qualities. You decide if you can live with this or if you deserve better.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2017): HiNo it's not normal at all. It's verbal abuse. Literally what verbal abuse is all about. He knows what he is doing to you and he is upsetting you and causing you to lose your confidence ON PURPOSE. Please read about abuse because there is so much to tell you it would take forever here. There are many forms of abuse as I'm sure you're aware. Physical abuse, emotional abuse, mental cruelty and verbal abuse. Rarely does a man use just one of these. Your boyfriend is abusive by the way. No two ways about it. Are there other behaviours he exhibits? How long have you been together? Abuse gets worse as time goes by. AS they realise they are breaking you, they step it up to break you some more. They do this to rob you of your confidence, to impair your judgement (you are already wondering if this is acceptable, when of course it isn't), to confuse you, to scare you (eventually he will probably escalate his behaviour to make scared)which will make you quiet, subservient and obedient. THIS is what he is after. Sadly quite a lot think this way about women. There is no changing them, it is an ingrained belief that what we are good for is looking after them and ONLY them. Has he tried to stop you seeing friends and family? Or made you uncomfortable about it? So you think it's easier if you didn't? They also try to isolate you so you have no support network to fall back on, when things get really rough. They usually step up the abuse at a time in the relationship when they think they've got you, for example, when you start living together or if you get pregnant or marry him. If you read about abuse you will read about women who were with wonderful men, right up until they got into the hotel room on their wedding night when he turned into the man he really is and hit her. Said I can stop pretending now. Scary isn't it?I don't know how much abuse you receive from your partner as yet, but it will get worse. Read about it because I bet you will see other behaviours that your boyfriend exhibits that you thought were not quite right, but ......The best book I ever read on the subject is called 'Why Does He Do That?' by Professor Lundy Bancroft. I have read for England on this topic because I have been where you are and when I realised what was happening to me, and what it was I read and read. I now can recognise abuse behaviour and the tactics that I talked about above, from miles away. It is empowering to realise exactly what's happening to you and why and help you to realise what you're up against. Other advice is to leave him. If you don't it will get worse I promise you and you will leave him later on anyway. Some abusive men will try to rob you of your independence, your car, your friends, your earning potential so that you cannot leave or they make it hard as possible for you to do so. My advice is leave as soon as you can, but understand that this is the last thing he wants and he won't be pleased about it. A lot of abusive men get nasty at this point because they are angry that you are gaining control. So leave with this is mind, have friends and family nearby. I don't want to scare you, but based on your post I have no idea how bad he really is at the moment, so I am thinking at extremes. I have left three abusive men and have been ok so don't worry unduly, but please just be aware with what you're dealing. Good luck and take the power back by educating yourself about abuse so that you no longer sit confused and unhappy wondering what the hell is going on. x
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (1 January 2017):
No this isn’t normal. This isn’t what most men, or indeed most women, would find acceptable at all. These are particularly unpleasant names and vicious insults. If he genuinely doesn’t understand that they are hurtful and thinks he can just use them casually, then if he isn’t learning his lesson after it is pointed out to him and he’s apparently apologised, I’m not sure there’s much hope for him. He’s either verbally abusive or irredeemably immature. I wouldn’t be with a person who behaved like this. The fact that you even need to ask whether this is normal rings alarm bells to me. This guy will drag you down and undermine your confidence.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (1 January 2017):
 This behaviour and language is not normal for men, however it is normal for SOME men, a very small majority.
There is NEVER any excuse for this behaviour.
If I was being called these names on a regular basis I would be doing my best to ensure I was not in a situation where it could happen.
Each time the filthy language starts remove yourself from the vicinity, if it is safe to do so. If you don't feel safe removing yourself for the duration of the filth, then consider a more permanent removal by ending the relationship.
You are still young enough to start your life over without this sort of thing in it.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (1 January 2017):
 I suppose it is normal for some men- for a certain type of men. Maybe in their mind and in their social environment this language is no big deal,
" just words " that you say when you are upset. That does not mean you have to make it normal for yourself.
You can always CHOOSE which kind of men you hang out/ have relationships with. You do not have to worry whether they have a good excuse or not for calling you names !,that's not your problem. If ( wisely and understandably ), you do not accept being called insulting, derogatory names, not even in a passing moment of anger, - you do not have to stay there and take it. Set your boundaries , state them calmly at the first offence- and be ready to walk away at the second.
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