A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Iv been waiting over 3 and a half years for a proposal for a weddingAfter much nagging about marriage I got a proposal with a 219 pound argos ring when he earns over 20 000 per annum which shows no saving as he bought even this on a per monthly basis. I told my dad I wasn't happy with it and my dad told him and offered to pay for another and my partner pay him back. I picked a 599.00 one so 100 per month for 6 months how ever this means for one month I'm wearing a ring my dad has basically boughtI feel so stupid about the whole thing. What do you guys think
View related questions:
wedding Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2017): No, I don't think you're crazy or selfish at all. I think he is a bit miserly, if he is making a decent salary but barely spent any money at all on the ring. You don't have a generous man on your hands. The ring represents your union, so you want it to look presentable, and significant. I totally get that.
AND you will have to wear the ring for the rest of your entire life!
That is why it is SO critical for men to consult with their women before they pick out a ring.
The olden days tradition was you take the bride-to-be to a ring shop, and have a pre-arranged display of a number of choices in your price range- and she chooses!
I think you need to talk to him and explain how important it is as a symbol of your union.
I think you need to explain that you had hoped he would SACRIFICE and SAVE to get you that ring, not a crazy amount, but some sacrifice as a demonstration of the spirit of giving.
That is really the whole point of the ring- to show dedication, generosity...giving this expensive thing that is of no practical use but to make your wife happy.
I think he needs to save up, get a bank loan and buy you a better ring.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (4 January 2017):
 I don't think you both should be getting married, it doesn't sound to me like you are ready. Going to your dad just shows you have no respect for your partner, your poor boyfriend, he choose that ring, it symbolizes love and marriage not the cost. It is clear you want materialistic things, but an engagement ring should have far more sentimental meaning, your boyfriend must feel quite horrible now. I wouldn't want to be with someone who done that to me.
...............................
A
female
reader, clueless8989  +, writes (2 January 2017):
In my opinion, you shouldn't get married if that's all that matters to you. What you should care about is the quality of the relationship, not the ring. You need to ask yourself why you're so concerned about the ring. Do you feel a better ring would indicate your worth is higher? Or is it simply to show off to friends? Those are your esteem issues that you need to work on. Don't put it out on your partner, it is not fair for him.
...............................
A
female
reader, Slippers +, writes (2 January 2017):
When I got engaged many years ago now haha my future hubby told me I could pick any I wanted he too paid it up. I chose a very modest ring under 200 he went are you sure and I went yes . The significance wasn't the value of the ring but what the ring means .
I know your probably upset by the answer here as they are little forth right I think aunts are little bobbed smacked really . I think your probably a sweet girl and after waiting so long you've been a tad disappointed I think going to daddy was a wrong move as this is your and his relationship .. I mean what if he gets his mum involved if you argue . But done is done no point crying over spilled milk and you got the ring you wanted so it doesn't matter if smfor a month daddy bought it does it , you brought daddy into it . I think you owe your fiancée now an apology . Tell him you were so excited and you know that what he thought was best but maybe it would have been nice to go together or chose together but you realise you shouldn't have went to dad as this is your and his relationship.
I don't think your horrid or anything I think you got carried away with the disappointment. And that okay . A ring a ring .. it's the commitment and love that makes it more and even if you've had to nudge him I've had friends do the same so don't worry . It's not forcing it's just nudging him ,you now have the ring you like so stop worrying ..just casually say to your fiancée what I've adviced don't take your parents into your relationship it won't work sweetie
Congratulations by the way in your engagement and a happy new year
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2017): £219 is a pretty good value for a ring in my eyes, £20,000 per annum is way below the average salary in the uk so he is doing great buying this ring.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2017): And it doesn't matter how much your partner earns in a year, Jesus Christ he should be able to propose with a gummy ring!
You can't rely on your parents forever . Are they going to be paying for the wedding too?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2017): You should think yourself lucky that he has proposed to you no matter the value of the ring.
He has committed himself to you and all you care about is the value of the ring.
I've been engaged for 5 years and I've never asked about the value of the ring, it's irrelevant, it's a beautiful ring. I don't care if it cost £100 or £1000 I wear it everyday with pride because I have the memories of the day he proposed.
Please just appreciate what he has given you, you may not like it, but he has spent time and effort choosing out a perfect ring for you . Think of his feelings. It takes a lot of courage for a man to propose.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2017): You have deep deep issues. You are a normal person when you are by yourself. However, in a relationship, you're way off the tangent. Because, your lack of perspective and wisdom in life is killing the very depth of love. Your life is all about how to get things that will make you look good in front of others, or maybe even making others envy you. What on earth.. did you just say you 'got' him to propose to you..is this some sort of game you want to win?Sounds more like you planned to trap him or something. Your love, career and nothing has any real passion involved. I feel very sorry for you..more than your partner because he will definitely walk away one day from all your materialistic behavior and you complete ignorance towards other people's feelings. (He may have wasted a fortune on you by then though). But I'm thinking of what about you? He will move on to someone who knows to love and you will just be hanging in there dreaming about the kohinoor diamond and a man you can force to love you. you should have been born to a backward thinking dad here in my country, He would have 'got' you a rich guy for obscene amount of dowry. And then you'd have 'demanded' for certain grams of gold and diamond, made a fuss over what food should be arranged. I bet you will exchange any gift he buys you in future. With the sort of zero sentiments you have, I can only feel sorry for the quality and range of emotions that you're capable of feeling. You'll just never know how wonderful the rest of us feel when we recognize the thoughts and gestures of a person towards us.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2017): You just killed the mood altogether. How can you do that? Getting your father involved? I feel bad for your boyfriend, you don't love him. You know his budget, either adjust your expectations or If your taste doesn't fit with his budget then look somewhere else for gold!
I would call it off if I was him, not because of the ring just because it shows how things will work in future.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2017): You're spoilt by daddy and don't value your guy. Pity for him
...............................
A
male
reader, Garbo  +, writes (1 January 2017):
 Perhaps the reason he took so long to propose is that he was wondering how bad will it all turn out. You just proved it with the petty whining over piece of gold. Had your man mattered and had the marriage mattered at all to you then any amount of gold he gave you would be sufficient to express that. All these prices and financing you describe is absolutely meaningless stuff in a relationship but your insistence on this meaningless triviality tells me that the priority is not your man. After reading your post I truly felt lucky that I never ran into a woman like that. I know you may not like my response but your response over piece of gold is marriage wracker ... just could not remain silent about that.
...............................
A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (1 January 2017):
 If you truly love this man I think being gracious instead of ungrateful the better choice of action. Having your Dad getting involved really is cringe worthily insulting and not something I would be too forgiving. Could it be that you and him have different definitions of the term value? For example I personally don't believe the monetary value of a piece of jewellery is the same as piece picked out for me because someone thought I would like it. I had a quick look on the Argos site, and couldn't tell the difference between a 200 pound or 500 pound ring. I think the true value of your ring is a result of your nagging. Lucky it never came out of a Kinder Surprise
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (1 January 2017):
 You should love the ring you get, either because you love that your partner chose it or you choose one together, not getting your dad involved. Rings don't have to be expensive - it's materialistic and, if you lose it, that's that. I don't want a diamond ring for that very reason; I've already told my boyfriend I'd be more than happy with a £30 set of one engagement ring and one wedding ring, both sterling silver with cubic zirconia. He does know that I only wear silver jewellery and that I like clear stones, but the price is up to him.Do you really want to be in a marriage where you had to be bossy and nag to get it? Did you ask him what he wanted and why he didn't want to yet?OP, your lifestyles are different. You're a bit materialistic and he didn't want to get engaged. Talk to him and ask what *he* wants from your relationship.
...............................
A
female
reader, MissKin +, writes (1 January 2017):
 I think it says a lot about how much a partner knows you when they buy a ring. The ring they get also says a lot about them and clearly in this instance it has highlighted a lot of differences. If they get a ring you love, then this shows that they know what you like and care what you like. If they get it wrong and you still love it anyway because of what it is and what it means, then this shows you care more about the meaning than the item. Just things to consider.
Why would he buy you an expensive engagement ring if he had to be nagged into it? Maybe the cheaper ring that you didn't like is him showing he wasn't that keen on proposing?
How do you think he would feel if he DID put effort into getting that ring and just doesn't believe in spending more than that? This shows differences in money management and materialism.
How did you even know how much the ring was, where it was from and why did you try to find out? If you didn't like the ring it should have been because you didn't like the style of it and that should be it, it shouldn't matter where it is from or how much it costs.
The fact that your boyfriend does not save money and you bring this up as a negative suggests you manage your money differently and aren't yet at a point where you manage your money with the same intentions.
I never used to save but once I met my current partner, who is very pro-saving, I started saving too so that we would achieve something together (a house, a wedding, a family). I feel money is something you HAVE to be on the same page about. Or it isn't worth the agro. It's okay for him not to save and spend his money as he wants. But it isn't okay if this is an issue for you.
Also.. Running to your dad who then offered to fix it for you. This is really an immature thing to do. How do you think this made your partner feel? To have to be told what ring you were having and then having to pay your dad for it? This shows to me he clearly couldn't afford more than he spent, he bought what he could afford and probably rushed it for whatever reason rather than saving up.
Maybe you need to think about iw this is the right person for you or how to handle the situations better in future. And how such a happy thing has turned out not to be how you wanted.
(also i don't get it. $200+ is more than enough for an engagement ring in my opinion. People get so caught up over the cost of it and it makes me cross.)
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (1 January 2017):
 Well, I am sure if I was your boyfriend I'd be telling you to stick the original ring somewhere dark. It sounds to me he had to be nagged into proposing and when he finally caved you didn't like the ring he chose so you got daddy to get you one you do like ..... good ole dad aye.
Is this how your marriage is going to work as well, if anything your husband provides isn't up to your taste dear old dad will step in and save the day??
My advise is to think very carefully about the precedent you are setting, and how your actions now may impact some years down the track if this develops into a pattern.
...............................
|
