| A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes: Okay so my boyfriend and I have been together for over a year, he has been living with me and my family for about 8 months, for the past 6 months he has been unemployed and living off of me completely. Recently I was fortunate enough to come into a sum of money and frankly I'm concerned, a few times now he has said "our money" while talking about purchases "we" should make. I love him and he is a sweet guy but he doesn't pull his weight, he refuses to get up before noon and stays up until 4 am playing video games on my computer even when I ask him not to. I just bought all of his Christmas gifts for both our families and myself, that's right, bought HIS gifts for everybody. I've begged him to get a job and he won't even fill out applications. I just feel used.
View related questions:
christmas, money, video games Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (3 January 2017):
 First of all, the big part. It's not "our money", and you had BETTER NOT have anything joint whatsoever with him. No joint cell phone accounts, no joint bank accounts, no joint credit cards. Do not co-sign for him. NOTHING. STOP buying anything for him, and don't piss away your money on him. If this sum of money is substantial (i.e. over $1,000), you need to "de-liquify" it. This means that you should invest it in a money market mutual fund so that it can't be accessed and spent without penalty, and it's earning you interest. Do it ONLY in your name, not your boyfriend, and don't tell him that you're GOING to do it. Tell him AFTER it's done. He is not your husband. He has ZERO say in your finances whatsoever. This will also remove YOUR ability to be manipulated into buying gifts or things for him. He doesn't care about you. He cares about milking you for what he can get.
Seriously - it sounds like you're not living on your own either, but you and he are living with your parents? The way you phrased the buying of Christmas gifts and "My family" versus "My children" tells me that he's sponging off of you and your parents.
Tell your parents you want him gone. Then break up with him and your parents will give the official "move out" order on him, since it sounds like they own the place you live in, not you, right?
He hasn't been getting a job because he hasn't had to. He hasn't grown up and is treating you and your parents like I'm guessing he's treated his own family. Why is he not living with them again?? Why is he living with you? I'm guessing by the way he's treating you that he has mistreated them to the point where they don't want him to live with them either.
This isn't your problem. You're not his mom, your family is NOT his family since you're not married. You didn't mention having kids with him, so kick him out. Time to grow up, both of you! Yes, I include you because looking at boyfriends or partners with different criteria is part of the maturing process, and doing the hard thing by ending a relationship is also part of growing up.
You should be even more pissed that he's draining your parents of resources when you should be protecting them against users like him.
He's also playing video games on your computer because you're letting him! Saying "don't play video games" isn't as effective as changing passwords and wi-fi codes to be sure! Who is paying for this guy's cell phone? You? Your parents?
Time to end it. Change your passwords to everything. Lock your phone because it's also your wallet and can give him access to your bank account. Tell your parents before you end it so that they are in solidarity with you. And DON'T BLOW your money on crap that disappears!
Next time, do not go chasing after a guy to go get a job. Ever. There's a difference between a guy who loses a job due to honest misfortune and gets his feet to the pavement to work towards employment again, and a guy who doesn't care, eats your food, breathes your air, watches porn on your computer (I don't know if he's doing that, but why not!) and mooches off of you and your parents. 6 months is long enough. Don't give him an ultimatum. DROP HIM now. You've already done the ultimatum part. You owe him nothing, and his "our money" crap is the absolute last straw and reveals his true sense of entitlement and brazen contempt of you.
A
female
reader, Mandy simms  +, writes (3 January 2017):
Oh God! Really?. No way girlfriend. Tell him he's got 24hours to find somewhere else to live unless he's unwell and can't work.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (1 January 2017):
 He can BE a sweet guy, but that doesn't MEAN you are now responsible for him, financially or otherwise. Tell him he has 14 days to move out, that it's OVER you can't afford to have him as your BF any longer.
This is NOT his money. It's NOT "our" money - you aren't married.
Quite frankly, you need to stop being a doormat. He is not treating you with love and respect and YOU are not treating yourself with love and respect either.
Consider this, OP.
IF you BEST friend told you the story you have told us, what would you do? Tell her to KEEP the man around and be his "sugar momma" or kick him to the curb?
You FEEL used because you ARE being used.
You NEED to accept that YOU deserve more and better.
I'm amazed your family hasn't told him to GTFO already.
And please don't think that you can CHANGE him or his behavior by LOVING him and giving him money and letting him walk all over you. THAT isn't love.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2017): Funny I just came across this post- until recently I was in this situation. Other half living with me, expecting me to pay for everything. When it suited him it was 'our place' but when it came to bills or buying stuff it was my place suddenly. I decided enough was enough, because i deserve better. So do you! You need to aim higher! Aim for somebody who doesn't need mummy-ing! Somebody who is your equal and is willing to pull their weight at the very least. Somebody who does not treat you as a freebie in life. Get some willpower and send this freeloader back to his mother!
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (1 January 2017):
 You know you're not getting anywhere with him, so why stay? This isn't going to change while you let him leech off of you and you'll break up if you cut him off financially. Kick him out and break up. Find a guy who has ambition and works towards it, even if they're unemployed - as long as they are actively moving forward.
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (1 January 2017):
 Like the heading says, your jobless, lazy boyfriend is using you for money. Don't let him. Kick his lazy using self to the kerb!
Get your parents to help, after all he is sponging off them as well, ask them to tell him his free ride is over, and he has a week to stump up or ship out.
Remove your computer and change internet/wifi passwords etc. Its time to stand up for yourself and not be used like this, his actions do not say he loves or respects you, is that really what you want for the rest of your life??
Noooooo
Nobody does, end it now!
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (1 January 2017):
 OP, this is a no brainer- you feel used because you are being used, and frankly, while I underdstand how love can blind you at times and push you to make wrong decisison, I am a bit surprised that it blinded your parents too who are cooperating in letting this scrounger having such a free , easy ride.
Don't beg, don't plead : give him a reasonable time limit within which to clean his act , get himself a job and start contributing - after which, out he goes by the scruff of his neck. No ifs and buts. " But I love him " is the silliest excuse in the world in some cases, and yours alas is one. Love can't have anything to do with exploitation. I get it that he is so sweet and all, but he is supposed to be your partner and equal, not your child. If he were a 3 y.o., and you his mommy, it would be perfectly ok that all he does is being sweet, taking naps, playing around, and letting himself be spoiled by mom and grandparents- but he is not !
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (1 January 2017):
 You ARE getting used and you know it and you're still allowing it. Why did you buy his gifts?
Ask yourself, what's the purpose of this relationship? Do you see yourself marrying this guy eventually? Can he take care of you? Your kids? Pay the bills? Be a responsible father and husband? The answer to everything is a big "no".
Don't waste any more time on him. He's lazy, useless, entitled, shameless. Doesn't matter how sweet a guy he is, stop being his mom and looking after him. He's a big boy, he can take care of himself. Please show him the door.
...............................
|
