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*indyCares
writes:Ok,this is probably not the smartest question, having been spurred by the vision of a Sex and the City rerun, but I'd be curious to know the opinion of my esteemed DC colleagues and readers : would you change religion for love ? why, or why not ? The story is this : Charlotte ( protestant ) falls in love with her Jewish lawyer, he loves her too but, although a very secular type , tells her he can't marry her, he can only marry someone from the same faith . She decides to convert , because, as she explains to a very hesitant and skeptical rabbi, " I am 37 , it took me over 20 years to find the man who can make me happy, and I am not going to let religion stand between me and my happiness ". I must say I was a bit surprised that everybody - including the rabbi - would think this is a valid reasoning. ( Yeah, I know it's only TV, but they try to keep the script logic ). Sure, Charlotte must be a very lukewarm protestant, or maybe an agnostic even- but, still.. - in fact, if you are an agnostic, why embracing a religion you don't believe in and a God you really never felt the need for,... to keep a man ? Is, in real life, love a strong reason enough to give up your roots, your culture, your beliefs or...non-beliefs ? Does it really happen ? Would you do it if it was the only way to marry the person of your dreams ?... Or, wouldn't this person become a little less dreamy just for asking / expecting you to give up part of your identity ?... I am very curious to hear what you think. Reply to this Question
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reader, lazurm  +, writes (17 March 2016):
I've been atheist my whole life but fell in love with a practicing Catholic woman. I've decided to convert and, in doing so, the first thing I did was contact a certified hypnotist to open up myself to spiritual belief. I've also been reading the best books that help to undermine atheism. We've been going to Mass and I've been doing all I can to understand and accept the rituals which I've grown to enjoy, with the enjoyment getting deeper over time and attendance as I've learned more about their significance. It's a very long story but I've decided to convert so that I can not only be closer to my future wife but be able to find the happiness in the positive aspects of Catholicism, and (yes) there are many. I'm even working on makings some of the "negatives" into positives.Needless to say, my finance is both amazed and overjoyed and my feelings of closeness, excitement and joy unparalleled in my life. Footnote: this transformation has no affect on my scientific thinking. I'm VERY into physics, etc.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2013): NO, I feel that I was baptized as a baby by my parents and that was their gift to me... I went to Sunday school and I personally have a relationship with God but am not a stout religious person bu my young years were founded in the teachings every Sunday. I am open to All actual religions (no cults) ...but you fall in love with the person for all that they are and vice versa so there is no need. Al i have seen too many problems with people getting married with extremely opposing religions and changing your religion does not chnge the basis of how you were raised your thoughts and patterns that arise from those beliefs as a child. So I person ally wouldnt
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2013): No way in hell.
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reader, CindyCares +, writes (7 July 2013):
CindyCares is verified as being by the original poster of the question @LoveInQuanta- thanks for answering . No, I don't find your viws offensive at all . And yes I am aware that one does not need to identify with an official religion to be protective of one's moral and beliefs. Nor to postulate the existence of transcendent God outside of ourselves.
This is sort of implied, at least to me, because... at the end of the day it does not really make a big difference.
I guess it depends from the definition of religion, there are many. If we accept a generic, mainstream, run of the mill one, as a coherent collection of beliefs, cultural sustems and world wiews for what concerns supernatural and spirituality.... then agnostics or atheists have a religon too.
In fact, you are probably more religious than many of us :)
I live in a country with a wide Catholic majority, and the wide majority of this wide majority thinks - and says - that God exists...probably. And there is an afterlife... hopefully. And the Pope is always right... except when he is wrong.
While someone like you, so uncompromisisng, adamant, staunch in the defense of her beliefs- makes a wonderful solder of faith ( even if it's the faith in not having any faith :)
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reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (7 July 2013):
 No matter what Cloak of Faith, Religion or belief system I choose to wear – or subscribe too in today’s numerous cultural faiths; the one entity I believe in or convert to; HE being God, Jehovah, Lord, Elohim, Allah, Buddha, Krishna will be the only one to know if I’m genuine in heart or not. In this scenario where the Rabbi appears lenient or hesitant to accept Charlotte’s reason to convert, she still showed a quality of genuine heart to be receptive for the teachings of Judaism etc; be it for her future husband’s wish at first.But since we are not talking about her joining a bizarre Cult Religion of any sort; I can accept Charlotte converting and growing to embrace this faith and it’s traditions for herself as time goes by. (Given that a TV script can be based on logic as well as tragedy; don’t we just love a happy ending?)Therefore whilst it appears that Charlotte is doing this for the sake of keeping her man; in effect she is doing this for herself with little sacrifice of loosing her religious identity; as she has not appeared to have held strong devoted ties to her faith previously (as scripted). Here she is actually gaining or developing a new identity as she is more flexible and open than Harry Goldenblatt (Jewish Divorce Lawyer). Now if we remember the Movie; MY FAT GREEK WEDDING, which is based on the ‘real life’ of Actress Nia Vardalos acting as Toula Portokalos and her husband IAN Gomez, played by John Corbett as Ian Miller, again we’ll see how love can move in mysterious ways and how having religious values (or not) play an important role in ones decision making.Here it was Ian who came alive when he met Toula, and in light of the fact that Ian was more flexible (even in real life); he converted and embraced the Greek Orthodox Religion and its family traditions. That in itself is an example of how my partner would have to be for me – flexible yet sincere and genuine.Thanks for an inspiring question Cindy – Cheers CAA :)P.S. Talking about change; it also makes me think of how one particular King abdicated for the love of a certain American Divorcee in history…
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reader, maverick494 +, writes (6 July 2013):
Hmm, tough question. I think it depends on a number of factors:
#1. your own faith and the strength of your beliefs
#2. the religion you'd have to convert to. If it limits your freedom, there's more at stake.
#3. your partner's understanding and acceptance of your own beliefs
It would be easier for someone who isn't strictly tied to a religious system to convert than for someone whose religion plays a big role in their life and their own identity. If religion is important to both, why should the sacrifice be made by only one?
The rigidness of the religion also plays a huge role. If I had to alter my identity in order to fit in, that would be a huge sacrifice. If the partner has a very rigid and controlling attitude because of his culture/religion, it could be a huge obstacle. I for one want to be seen as an equal. If they cannot acknowledge me as such , the relationship is doomed anyway.
So in short, I don't think there's a clear cut answer. I've seen it go wrong many times, but sometimes it's worked out as well. My uncle is an atheist. His wife is a devout christian. He goes to church with her and prays before they have dinner to please her. Other than that she doesn't push; she gives him the space he needs. He loves her enough to put up with the church stuff, but at the same time she doesn't overwhelm him with it either. So it can be done.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2013): Hell, no. CindyCares, I would also like to add that one need not identify with a religion to be protective of one's morals and beliefs.[offensive views ahead] I am highly irreligious, and to pretend otherwise would be masking a huge part of who I am. I would probably develop an eye-twitch if forced to sit through so much as a Unitarian service...and they're as generic as you can get. Even bland New Age rhetoric makes me break out in hives.Thankfully, I found a man who feels *exactly the same.* We can unleash our true opinions in full force, and fear no social retribution for doing so. I believe that having this freedom is an integral part of a relationship.I don't see myself as being okay with dating or marrying someone who identifies with a religion instead of with the universal condition -- beautiful, terrifying, vast, intimate *humanity,* and nothing more. I see religion as a fundamentally divisive, distracting force, and would have trouble partnering with someone who was continually prey to the distraction.Just couldn't. Do it. If my dream guy was a devout _____, and showed little to no ability to exercise the logical parts of his brain to find the flaws and the contradictions inherent in ______ism, he would no longer be my dream guy. CMMP, how are things between you and your wife now? From what I know of Mormonism, it really isn't cool with those in its "flock" marrying outside the religion.
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reader, chigirl  +, writes (6 July 2013):
 I wiuldn't, at least I dont think si. But I haven't been in that situation. However Ive seen soooo many norwegian girls dressed up in burkas lately, so I know some definitely DO convert, even to the point of having to change more than just a Christmas tree..
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reader, CMMP +, writes (6 July 2013):
My wife is Mormon, and promised her I'd investigate the church when we got married. She of course heard "I'll become Mormon for you."
Well I went to church for awhile, prayed, met with missionaries and guess what? I'm not a Mormon. I'm not even religious. She feels I was dishonest with her, but how can I fake something like this? Obviously god doesn't want me to convert or he would have spoke to me.
In the time I was there I'd see these people who would attend church once or twice and be like "Eh, this is fine, where do I sign up?" I'd see that and think to myself that I wish I had some swampland for sale.
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reader, CindyCares +, writes (6 July 2013):
CindyCares is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everybody for answering - and it's nice to know that in real life, people are a bit more ptotective of their cultural/ spiritual identity :)
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reader, Gabrielle Stoker +, writes (6 July 2013):
 NO.
Mostly because I'm not a believer, but even otherwise I don't think it's a decision that should be taken for any reason other than a fundamental change in one's own belief system.
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reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 July 2013):
 Nope.
But I could easily be with someone with different beliefs then mine AS LONG AS he can respect that I have my faith and he has his.
My husband and I don't have the same religious beliefs but it still works.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2013): If you really love each other then why would you ask someone to change something as important as one’s religion? I think if you truly love someone you would take her/him just as she/he is, if you try to change something then that person is not who you want rather who you want them to be.
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reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (6 July 2013):
 Definite no. My religion is an integral part of who I am. Inseparable .
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2013): There is "cultural religion " and "real and true beliefs". Those are not the same.It you can change what you believe not because you encountered new evidence that truly made you question it but for reasons having nothing to do with the subject matter at all (such as to get someone else to accept you, to fit in with a crowd, and yes so someone will marry you) then by definition those were not your true beliefs after all so all you are changing is the cultural identity you associate with and you are not really changing your private thoughts on spiritual matters.A lot of "religious " people don't care what you truly think so long as you act and talk just like them and say the right words and wear the right clothes and on the right days of the year. Changing to suit them is not giving up the core of your being, merely being a fake which they don't mind that you are being anyway. However you might eventually come to loathe yourself for participating in such absurdity. And if you should ever in future have a "real " religious conversion or experience outside of this group's religion, you will then have an identity crisis.
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reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (6 July 2013):
 To me this scenario suggests religion is just like a hat you can put on and take off depending on the weather.
I want to marry this man, but he doesn't like my blue hat, it clashes with his read hat, so I'll swap hats and everything will be hunky dorey.
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