A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm dating a man who is a lot older than me, and he has a son who is a year younger than i am . He hasn't had much contact with his ex wife since they got divorced 23 years ago. He also hasn't seen his son much since his son was three years old. He once said that his son was " just a baby i made ". I don't think anyone should say that about their child, and it worries me that he hasn't seen him much. I know it's early to say this, but i worry incase i ever get pregnant by him, and he has the same attitude towards our child. I don't have any children at the moment, but i'd like to have them some day. Would you be put off a guy who said this about his child?. And i also don't know if i should have a child with him because his son is just a bit younger than i am. I guess that could be complicated. It is early days, but it's sounding like my boyfriend wants to get more serious. He got married to ex wife because she became pregnant. They were married for four years, and he said he didn't see his son much because of how bad things were between him and his ex wife.He has said that he has missed him sometimes though.
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female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (23 February 2012):
I would talk to him first before judging him.
My dad has two kids from a previous marriage and he and his ex split on very bad terms. Nevertheless he tried to stay in his children's lives, inviting them over, going sightseeing with them, etc. until his ex started acting up and making it very difficult for him because she wanted her new husband to take on the father role. Long story short what followed was a gap of more than 10 years in which he hadn't seen my half sisters.
Court gave his ex full custody over them, so when it came to that no help either. My dad kept paying child support until both reached the age of 21. Right now the bond is barely there because he barely knows them. he has initiated contact again when they reached adulthood, but they didn't react, and he left it at that.
These days they only reach out to him when they need money. He has become rather indifferent toward them and if I would hear him refer to them as "just a baby I made" I wouldn't be surprised.
So before you judge him, talk to him about what made him say that. It might be that he actually did care for his child but that his ex is what's keeping them separate.
Now, if nothing of the above applies, I would worry. A man who fathers a child but doesn't take responsibility isn't relationship material in my eyes.
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (23 February 2012):
 I'm very funny about the issue of children. If a man doesn't care about his children, if he doesn't move heaven and earth to see them, if he's not showing pictures of his kids, or sending them stuff on their birthday.... I don't date the guy and I don't want to be his friend. Sure some women will take the children away, but I don't care, I want to see evidence that the guy is child friendly.
I'm very funny where children are concerned, because I like them a hell of a lot. For me, it's a big, big red flag, no matter what other qualities the guy has, every time I look at him I imagine a kid out there without a decent dad.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2012): wait a minute before everyone goes judging the guy has anyone ever considered that maybe it was the ex-wife who stopped him seeing his son and that's why he says his son is just a baby he made?
Or has anyone considered that maybe the ex wife was such a horrible horrible person to him that he had to end all contact with her in order to get his life back in order, and that means no contact with his son too because the son and ex-wife go together. Maybe his son has a real father (step dad) in his life all this time, so it's not such a bad thing that this guy was not in his son's life if it was better for everyone that he not be.
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A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (22 February 2012):
 He sounds a nitwit to me. I wouldn't want him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2012): You would be a fool to even concider being with a man like that,im now that fool as my ex dumped me and his 7yr old son 10 month ago in that time he has seen his son 3 times never provided for him never arranged to see or even speak to him not even on his birthday or christmas morning did he ring his child my son has sufferd emotionaly and mentaly as his father has been there from the day he was born then just walked out of his life and behaves like he dont exsist so please dont end up like me and my fatherless child run for the hills
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A
male
reader, Masterofpuppets +, writes (22 February 2012):
 I'm A guy so I can't really answer the question properly but to give my opinion on the matter. If he can abandon his responsibility without A second thought then I wouldn't bet that he would ever give A crap about you. I am the non judgemental type and I don't know what his family was like or how he was raised so I won't bash him for his lack of maturity. If you're looking for A decent honest man I wouldn't give this one A second thought. Just my opinion.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2012): He considers his son as 'just a baby I made', Ive heard it all now, he would have been better not mentioning him,nasty man. You refer to his Ex from 23 yrs ago, has he not had anymore children or been married since then - anything long-term in all these years?
Red flags all over, he sounds extremely shallow .
You have a whole lot of years to meet a decent one, start a family, let this old man go,fast, before he ruins your life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2012): He's not father material OP that's all there is to it. That's not to say he's not a good partner or he won't be it just means he's a lazy coward, perhaps saying that is what he says to himself to deal with this situation but for someone his age to be that way means if you have any plans for children with him then this is an issue that will be there for life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2012): I married a man who was divorced and had 2 kids, he wanted kid with me, I gave me one and he left me for another lady when my child was 18 months old. the woman got pregnant, had a child they split up. he has had many relationships, now he is married and has a one year old kid, in total he has 5 kids. He did not come to see our child since he was 2.My ex tells people he did not want kids, he has 5, I know he wanted kid as he asked me to have a baby for him, I only have one.If your boyfriend did not want children then he should put something at the end of it.He sounds like my ex. people told me not to marry this man i did not listen. Please listen to people on this site who have told to run, please do and keep on running from this kind of men.He has hurt my son. his other children whom my son is seeing now are in pain, my son has a 30 years old sister and one year sister, my son's 14 year old half sister is on drugs.My son was sad to learn that she is on drug at her age.Men like my ex have no conscious. for the last 18 years my son has cried for his dad. my heart is broken and I feel guilty for having a child with a man like that.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2012): "I know it's early to say this, but i worry incase i ever get pregnant by him, and he has the same attitude towards our child."It's early, you know he's a selfish heartless rotten sperm donor to the son whom he abandoned over twenty years ago and for which he convemiently blames ex-wife, why on earth wasn't that enough to convince you to already cut and run. "And i also don't know if i should have a child with him because his son is just a bit younger than i am. I guess that could be complicated."Does that mean you'd be more comfortable about having boyfriend's child if he had abandoned his three year old son years earlier so son would now be much older than you now, or would you prefer son to be much younger rather than "just a bit," giving your kids an older abandoned half-brother to emulate if they knew he existed? "He has said that he has missed him sometimes though."Good to know boyfriend he hasn't completely forgotten the son he abandoned more twenty years ago, most abanandoning parents just ignore their kids once they walk away from them.Random question: Was your bio-father in the picture when you were growing up?
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female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (22 February 2012):
 An old Kenny Rogers song "Know when to walk away, and know when to run..." RUN! There is no way I would be involved with a man who talked that way about his child. Think about seriously, if he talks that way about his child, what the heck does he say about others? As already stated, what would he say about you?? Sweetie, he's not a nice guy and he's definitely old enough to be more mature and have respect for others. He's trouble just waiting to happen. Don't wait for you to become his next trouble. Get out now. He's disturbing.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (22 February 2012):
 Oh my god. "Just a baby I made".
Would that make you "just a piece of ass he's f***ing"?
That guy is the reason why things were bad between him and his ex. If he can devalue his own flesh and blood like that, then he is a monster. Even the worst of fathers who weren't there for their kid would never even think to utter that.
This guy's not some stupid 16 year old kid who had a baby and is just trying to get in another girl's pants by saying something incredibly stupid. This is an old man who is set in his ways, made a conscious choice about devaluing his own son, and possesses no empathy, no soul, and no desire to have one.
You are being used by him. He knows how to put on the act. Don't even begin to make the excuse that his marriage or relationships were bad. No excuse to say that or even think that about a child. EVER!
If you don't run, immediately, your life will be flushed down the toilet by this man. Do not have sex with him. Do not continue with him. In his one remark, he has shown you that he values nothing. If he can't even esteem and acknowledge his own kid, who should be his #1 in life, then he deserves to die alone.
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A
male
reader, T.R. +, writes (22 February 2012):
I guess I'm sort of on the other side of this one... My girlfriend has a seven year old child from a previous marriage and the child's father basically has the attitude of the guy you're dating. He hasn't been to see his little girl in almost three years, seldom calls her (despite the fact that my GF got her a cell phone just so he wouldn't have to talk to his ex in order to talk to his daughter), etc. I see what this poor kid goes through thanks to a father that doesn't care...Guys who have children and then refuse to father them are just scumbags... No matter what the relationship is with the ex, it is NOT the child's fault...Granted, in your case, the bad behavior is more in the past - but it shows a pretty crappy attitude towards being a parent and I would really think twice about having a child with this guy...Just my two cents.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 February 2012):
 Yea, if he was in his teens and said that stuff maybe I could shrug it off as him being immature but for a GROWN man who is in his 40's ( I guess) to say this, says a lot about his mentality towards other people.
Maybe when he did get his then wife pregnant, he didn't WANT to be a dad and a husband, but you know what? Sometimes you got to do thing you don't want to do. You got to suck it up.
I'd run and run fast. He doesn't sound like a keeper AT ALL.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (22 February 2012):
 OMG that's horrible.
I have two children. I divorced their dad when they were 3 and 5. when they were 5 and 7 they went to live with dad full time with his new wife (their stepmom)
I am not the best mother and have very little contact with them now as adults but OMG they are my precious children....
I would be very put off and concerned about a man that could just so easily dismiss HIS CHILD....
no matter how bad things are with an EX the children have to come first...
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A
female
reader, Dear Mandy +, writes (22 February 2012):
 HI
I WOULD RUN AND RUN VERY VERY FAST!!!!!! It dosen't matter how bad things were with them in regards to his son, what sort of man say's " its just a baby I made?/?
This is definately not a man I would start a relationship with, our very right to worry.
Put it down to experience before you end up being the next person he JUST had a baby with!
Mandy xx
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