A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I basically wanna know if this classes as rape and if the guy still has an interest in me or not. Well about four months ago i went to meet a guy off the internet. He wasnt the first person id met off the internet and i always have an incling if its not right and turn back. I did have one, but decided to go against it because we'd got along so well online and he didnt seem too bad.. Anyway when i got to the station we were meeting at he wasnt anything like his photos. He'd been using older photos where he was younger and thinner. Now he really wasnt attractive at all but i was scared to hurt his feelings cos he seemed like such a lovely guy! So i kissed him, which revolted me. All night we talked and talked for hours and really got along but every time he tried to kiss me i had to think in my head of other men because i really felt sick! He was revolting. We went back to his and drank absynthe. Now if anyones ever had this you'll understand what i mean when i say its real knock out shit! I was pretty much knocked out the moment i had one shot let alone another one and another... I could barely walk up the stairs let alone be honest with him. He kept saying he loved me and i replied drunkenly. He took me up to bed because i was falling asleep. I literally just wanted to sleep but he started to get close to me and eventually started going down on me. I was trying to push his head away and i was crying. I didnt have the energy to stop it as i was wayy too out of it. He tried to then put his penis in me but the bed broke (thank the lord) which created a diversion and i went out for a cigarette then stayed away from him all night pretending to be asleep downstairs. I was crying my eyes out and just wanted to go home! I rushed home the next day the earliest i could! Im not sure if this was rape? But the guy still talks to me now as a friend, but he literally texts me every waking hour what hes up to at that point. Whats his deal? Does he still have an interest or something?
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2009): i agree .this is a advice place whether you hated it or not is up to you all we do is try to understand what took place and deal with it by giving you the best advice possible for the incident that took place not try to understand how you feel. sorry but thats life although you were misunderstood ii still stand on this reason
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2009): You asked a question asking "rape or no" and the only answer you seem to have accepted is the one that told you what you wanted to hear.. that you were raped.
If you want to hear sympathy, then post a question saying "i was raped.. please give me kind words."
These people simply gave you their opionion, out of their own time and own effort and they're not getting paid. I don't think it's acceptable for you to tell them that they should be ashamed of themselves.
It's advice. Take it or leave it.
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female
reader, QuirkLady  +, writes (26 June 2009):
 I'm glad that you found my advice helpful. It was pretty surprising that you ran into a buzzsaw here; it is almost always a respectful place and I hope the responses don't run you off.
If you are still having problems dealing with the assault, or want to talk to a trained sexual assault counselor, try visiting www.rainn.org. They have a 24 hour hotline that is always staffed with volunteers.
It's a crazy messed up world but there are still good people out there, even on the internet.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI didnt hate him though, he was a lovely guy and i didnt wanna hurt his feelings, he just wasnt my type. I wanted to give him a chance cos id travelled all that way and i couldnt just turn up at the station see him and say right im turning back now, could i? He wasnt creepy at all he was perfectly nice and normal, just not my type at all. We went back to his house because it was cold and neither of us had money, and i was away from home i couldnt have just left. I checked this guy out before i went to meet him, he was generally very nice, i dont think he realised i was too wasted to consent to the sex and i clearly didnt want it, i was pushing him away!! Im not sure, i just wanted to know if thats what it was or not. And i made it clear to him before i met him that i dont do sex on the first date, so he must have known. I only kissed him back because i was afraid to hurt his feelings and i only drank to try blanking the way he looked. I didnt realise that it would end the way it did. I got off as early as i could the next morning and stayed away from him after it. I couldnt have just ran away because i was too far away.Its pretty bad to blame me solely for what happened. I guess i am too trusting and naive and that will be my downfall. But i have met internet friends before, and all of them have been lovely people so i didnt expect him to be any different, and he wasnt. He just took it too far and i didnt want it. So shut the hell up, this isnt judgement day. I am a consenting adult and if i want to go meet people from the internet then i will, whether you meet them from there or from elsewhere, they could still turn out to be psycho. The worlds just a shitty place.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2009): i was just being honest if you hated him you should have left him if drink wastes you dont drink simple
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2009): including me? im sorry but i didnt blame you . i didnt hold you responsible for it. you were a victim of something that could have developed into rape but its not your fault. things like this happens all the time . dont worry.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks quirk lady you are the only person whose truly understood the situation. The rest of you ought to be ashamed. And no i dont give a shit if hes still interested, i just wanted to know what his deal is and why he still texts me. It seems only one person has understood the situation here and i thank you. Well i guess next time i wont bother telling anyone my problems.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2009): well maybe you shouldnt have given him any ideas by kissing him! and lay off the booze if it does that to you
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female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (25 June 2009):
1. You're a nice person, his conversation was interesting, and you didn't want to hurt his feelings by running away although you weren't attracted to him.
2. You got drunk. It happens.
3. What happened to you is 100% NOT OKAY. It is in fact sexual assault. He took advantage of your niceness and drunken state and you didn't know what to do. You'd think crying would be a clear sign that you weren't interested, but obviously your attacker is selfish and an awful person. Thank God the bed broke.
4. I completely understand your confusion. It is totally natural to be confused and have odd feelings after something like this. It really messes with your head, you know? It's not surprising that you care about him, you are a nice person after all, you can't just turn that off like a faucet. When I was attacked I struggled with the same issues, I even walked to school with my rapist because I hadn't come to terms with anything. I thought they were a good person who had just been drinking too much that night, and that I should be the nice person who forgives. It wasn't until later, MUCH later, that I realized what happened to me and felt angry. I doubt that he feels what he did was wrong either. Most rapists don't.
I am so sorry for the victim blaming going on in this post. No matter what you did, the problem is with the other person. It doesn't matter how much you drank, if you kissed him, or if you were tired and fell asleep...the blame is always, always, ALWAYS on the rapist not to rape. Block his number and focus on healing yourself. You are a good person and will survive this.
*BIG HUG*
Good luck with everything.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2009): There is a term for what you experienced. "Grey Rape" or "Date Rape." Cosmo has articles written on the subject. You should google it.
Yes, you were raped. Oral is considered sex and you said no, despite what anyone on this site tells you. You were violated. However, you were still very dumb. Always trust your gut instict on a man. If he creeps you out there is a reason. People have basic instincts too.
No, he's not interested in you. Just sex. He is a pig and I'm appalled you care.
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female
reader, M.E.V.A +, writes (24 June 2009):
 well be well to be careful next time eh? you might not be that lucky next time. hope you and your current boyfriend the happiest of time any thing else you need answering on you ask
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2009): I was reading this thinking how stupid you were! First you went home with this guy you just met face to face and you found him unattractive. You allow him to get you drunk. He tries to make the move on you, luck was on your side and the bed broke. Yet you didn't run away, you stayed in his house but downstairs. If that was me, I be running out of that house. You shouldn't be meeting anyone of the internet if you don't have any common sense.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYeah well i did see many pictures of him, had him added on two social networking sites and spoke to him over the phone and online for weeks before i went and met him. I met him in a public place just incase and in the station so i could have gone home at any point. I just wanted to carry on and give him a chance cos i knew he was a lovely guy but i was revolted by him the second i set eyes on him. He hadnt used a fake identity, he was the same person, but he'd used older photos when he was thinner.
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reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (24 June 2009):
 What exactly happened. You were out with a guy you then judged to be revolting. You also claim he was all over you. Fine, if that is to believed, why did you continue to be with him? Rather then leaving you went with him to his house. You then drank. Not a light beer or a spiker drink, no, you choose to drink something you yourself describe as heavy.
Then he pushes it, you claim to cry (not saying you didn't but in a court of law your claim would be questioned) and an attempt at sex is made while you are trying to sleep at HIS house. You then get away (he apparently makes no attempt to pursue you or force you again) and STAY at his house to sleep.
If this is to be called rape then it is gross insult to all who have really been raped. This is just a really dumb girl who needs to learn to control her drinking and get some common sense being groped by a boy who thinks no means yes but gets the hint eventually.
Learn from this, because next time you might not be so lucky. Consider it a wake-up call. You are not invulnerable.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2009): well it seems like he would of raped you if the bed didnt break which was a bit lucky ...anyway the fact is it wouldnt stand up in court as he didnt rape you and the agrivating factors of you leading hiim on the internet and drinking at his ... no it werent rape and almosyt attempted rape but dont go any further with this just count your blessing and learn you god damm lesson
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A
female
reader, M.E.V.A +, writes (24 June 2009):
Simple
Yes. if you didn't know what was going on.
No. if you knew what was going on.
if he talked to you first then he chose you planning it from the start that he wanted to have sex. Anyone can fake n identity like you found out and if you can fake that then surely you can fake your personality too . even easier if its not on a day to day basis that you see the person.he probably knew what he was doing to get you to soften up your young and mature.(i hope lol) younger girls would straight away be revolted AND SHOW IT. you didn't because you didn't want to hurt his feelings. you had every right to confront him why? because he "LIED" to YOU in the first place.
Strange that he got you drunk but he remained sane hmmm?
(if thats what happened)
WAYS TO HELP YOU NOT GET PRANKED
1.ask if they have web cam
2.show at least 5 different pictures of themselves
3.ask if they have a networking sites
4.look at their friends pages and see if the appear in any of them.
5.if he refuses any of the above he's been caught red handed.
or is probably just really shy . anyway the rest is up to you good luck. and remember to LEARN FROM YOUR MISTAKES
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 June 2009):
 Ok so many have already bashed you for this so I'm not going to go there.
It was what I would call attempted rape or even assault. No, I don't think you ASKED for it. No, I don't think it's your own fault. I'm pretty sure the guy has done this before and was looking for someone young and naive.
If you choose you can go to the police with this, but in all likelihood there isn't much they can do. However, if he has done it before chances are he will try again.
CUT all contact with the guy. THIS IS VITAL! He doesn't think he did anything wrong, you understand? He thinks that you talking back to him now means you didn't think he did anything wrong either. It's sending out mixed signals. Block him from IM, your cell, e-mail.. whatever. Tell him you do NOT want any further contact with him. PERIOD. Nothing,nada. You don't HAVE to explain why to him. Just CUT him off!
What you need to do however is LEARN from this. Learn to trust that gut of yours. LEARN to respect yourself more. Learn to understand that not all people out there on the Internet are who they tell you they are.
1. Stop meeting guys on the Internet. Find a hobby and met people that way.
2. Trust your instincts. If they tell you to run, then run, screw it if you "hurt" some guys feelings. Better safe then sorry.
3. Don't drink with strangers.
4. Don't go HOME with strangers.
5. Take your TIME getting to know a guy you are interested in.
6. IF you do met people of the Internet NEVER give out too much personal information too fast. There are too many creeps and sick people out there.
7. If you do continue to met people of the Internet, met them in VERY public places with LOADS of people, make the meeting short. ( like meet for coffee - spend maybe 45 minutes then leave) If you two seem to hit it off, have a few more "coffee" meetings then maybe go for dinner or lunch. Again, TRUST your instincts.
8. If you do continue to met people of the Internet make sure a FRIEND or family member you trust, KNOWS where you are. Call the before you met the guy and after you have met him.
9. Learn to say NO!
10. Take some self defense classes. If nothing else it will boost your self-esteem.
Stop beating yourself up. If you have fears or doubts please find a rape/abuse hot line and talk to someone who can help you in depth.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI havent seen him since, he just texts me all the time and its unfair to say i have no life and its my fault. I was meeting him, i guess, to try moving on from my ex who id only broken up with a week before and he left me very hurt. So i guess i was trying to move on anyway possible. Ive met a few people off the internet and they have remained good and strong friends, i didnt realise that he'd do that! I have a boyfriend now so i dont want anything to do with him at all, and i am not lying. How dare you.
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female
reader, kellyxxx +, writes (24 June 2009):
 Its rape if his penis penetrated you, is sexual abuse what he did to you! Could he have drugged your drink? Normally I wiuld have sympathy for rape victims however in this situation you brought it on yourslef by meeting someone you didn't know, drinking alohol with him and leading him on by kissing him!
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female
reader, advicegem +, writes (24 June 2009):
 First of all, you need to cut off contact with this guy. Your profile says you are still quite young and any "relationship" where you have to even ask yourself this question, is not a relationship you should pursue, or encourage.
Since you say he never put his penis in you, it technically is not rape, though it could be sexual assault. The line however is blurred because if you were both drinking absynthe, then the chances are that he was also incapacitated to make a sensible decision or to read your body language accurately. However, if he was not drinking it and providing it to you, it is as good as drugging you and that is a different matter which should be taken seriously.
The fact that he is still contacting you makes me think that had you both been sober and thinking clearly, he would have acted differently, but only you can determine his intentions.
Of course he is still interested because even though he lied with his pictures online, you still went on a date with him, whereas most girls probably act on the first reaction you had and run the other way. I would trust that reaction in the future and discontinue any contact with this guy.
If when you attempt to cut off contact he starts acting threatening or aggressively, you can take further actions taking into account the night you spent with him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2009): Simple
Yes. if you didn't know what was going on.
No. if you knew what was going on.
if he talked to you first then he chose you planning it from the start that he wanted to have sex. Anyone can fake n identity like you found out and if you can fake that then surely you can fake your personality too . even easier if its not on a day to day basis that you see the person.he probably knew what he was doing to get you to soften up your young and mature.(i hope lol) younger girls would straight away be revolted AND SHOW IT. you didn't because you didn't want to hurt his feelings. you had every right to confront him why? because he "LIED" to YOU in the first place.
Strange that he got you drunk but he remained sane hmmm?
(if thats what happened)
WAYS TO HELP YOU NOT GET PRANKED
1.ask if they have web cam
2.show at least 5 different pictures of themselves
3.ask if they have a networking sites
4.look at their friends pages and see if the appear in any of them.
5.if he refuses any of the above he's been caught red handed.
or is probably just really shy . anyway the rest is up to you good luck. and remember to LEARN FROM YOUR MISTAKES
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A
female
reader, candyluvsu01 +, writes (24 June 2009):
 yes that is rape...oral rape
you told him no and he did it anyway and if you can prove it then you could press charges and have him locked up.
the bed broke??? girl you best belive you've got someone really looking out for you....thats crazy.
but yeah im not sure if it means hes still into you or just obsessed as fuck with you.
good luck X
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female
reader, laur2000 +, writes (24 June 2009):
It seems like attempted rape, if he penatrated you than it was. You were upset and told him no but he didnt listen thats rape. U shudnt care if this guy has interest in you or not! he lied about his age, his appearence, got you drunk then tried to take advantage of you. The fact that he gave you suck a lethel drink clearly shows his intentions. He's not a good guy delete his number, ignore his texts and block him on msn or facebook. If you want to press charges you should try but it might be hard to prove. Meeting people off the internet is often not a good idea as you can often be lied to and decieved,this guy is evidence of that. Good luck and please dont put yourself at such risk again.
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female
reader, Giennah  +, writes (24 June 2009):
well he maybe want's to try again so be careful and don't give in. there are plenty of better man out there. just be honest and stay private places when meeting a not so trusty fellow.
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male
reader, mulattoman +, writes (24 June 2009):
 Of course he stil has an interest in you, because you're stupid and easy. You led yourself into this trap like a tool. I don't care if you're crying, unless you tell him NO or STOP then he had no reason to keep going. He was probably as drunk as you, if not close to it, and didn't notice your crying. For all I know you're making it up and just trying to find a reason not to keep seeing him.
Next time be a smart adult and meet people without the internet. I don't blame him for what happened I blame you. You seem very desperate and it's pathetic to the point you can get yourself REALLY raped and killed next time. Get a life. You'll be safer with one.
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