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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: hello...I was wondering if anyone could help me out...I recently found out that my partner has been utilizing massage services... Which I wouldn't have a problem with except it was ones that "finish" the job so to speak... Now... That isn't cool...I had a suspicion it was going on... I confronted him and he confessed... Now to me it doesn't matter if it was once or twice... But he basically did it once a month over the last six months... Usual excuses- I'm not finishing work until late... Blah blah...I asked a lot of questions... Here are the questions and answers..1. Why did u do it? - he loves to be touched.2. How often and where? - 6 times over the past 6 months3. Did u think u would ever get caught? -I thought I was clever enough not to4. Did u ever feel guilty?- yes5. Did u realize what u could loose? At the time no...6. Was there sex? -no. (this I believe)7. Now that I know, do u want me to work through this? -yes Pretty much... I asked all the hard questions... I then told him how I had been feeling over the past few months... Let's just say that he was shocked to hear that my self esteem and confidence had been shot to the ground by him... Hence the lack of sex and closeness... It had been a stressful time for the pair of us also as we were buying property... And he was becoming a dad to my boy from a previous relationship...So I totally get the whole stressed out... Both being cranky... Both saying stuff that u shouldn't... Not communicating well at all etc.. That would not of helped the situation at all...I asked him if everytime he gets stressed will he just go and find another outlet other than communicate... He has said he won't... We both understand that communication is the key to a successful relationship... And lately, that's exactly what we have been doing...I guess the advice I'm after is this... I trust him totally with all my heart, but I can't get these thoughts out of my head... I want them gone and I want to move on... I try not to snoop or to try to question his movements... He has told me that I can chain him up if it will make me feel better... Which I feel isn't going to be the solution... He has made me feel special and reassures me all the time... This makes me happy..I want to sleep at night... And stop thinking about the "what ifs"... I hold it together 95 percent of the time... But those thoughts creep in... I don't want him nailed to the side of me for me to get over this completely...Does anyone have any suggestions or have been through a similiar experience and can offer some advice as to what helped them move on??? I don't want to become bitter and twisted... And I don't want to put a strain on our relationship because of my insecurities... I'm not denying that this didn't happen or that there isn't a magic pill to get over it... Just after some advice on how to move past it and start to fully enjoy our relationship to the max again...Thanks in advance...
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affair, confidence, move on, self esteem Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, identifiable  +, writes (24 June 2009):
 Right what struck me most about this is he didnt cheat is a sense of sex which is most common.. no strings attached sex.. or even sex then you grow closer into a formal relationship. But you believe your partner in saying there no sex showing two things.. 1. you trust him still
and 2. not so peachy is that he wasnt looking for a quick release out of his stressful day but he was looking for comfort and a cassual relationship with another woman . ebven though it was only six times it shows he actually experimented with the idea of leaving you to gte to know a woman. this should worry you the most... but its worth another try i believe as he wants to work it through and his affair isnt as seedy or backstabbing as others ive delt with x
A
female
reader, M.E.V.A +, writes (24 June 2009):
 I'm going to address this situation as a story so it is easier to understand.
But first You've possibly heard those stories of how a couple worked together in the aftermath of infidelity in their marriage or relationship and actually came out closer and more connected
than before. But you've also probably heard and read about the countless couples whose relationship could not overcome the damage that an affair wreaked. So which is it? Can a marriage or love relationship survive and even thrive after infidelity has occurred?
Mary asks herself this question just about every day. It's only been 3 months since her husband Peter admitted that he was having an affair. Sheri still feels nauseous when she remembers that awful day. Although she feels sure that he's
stopped cheating with the other woman, she wonders how she will ever trust Pete again.( you want to "totally" trust him again)
Both Mary and Peter have
decided to give their relationship a second chance but Mary is having a difficult time envisioning a future with Peter that, for her, doesn't include worry, fear and a shroud of suspicion
1.Focus on YOUR relationship and life.
Ultimately, you don't know what will be true for your situation. At some point, you, your partner, or both of you may choose to end your relationship. On the other hand, you may find a way to re-grow trust and find yourself more in love than you ever were.
We suggest that rather than worry about what statistics or anyone else has to say, you stay
focused on the decisions for the future you and your partner have made. Give your attention to what you feel inside about what has happened, where you are now, and what direction you want to go.
Some of Mary's best friends have also gone through their husbands' or boyfriends' cheating. (She even has friends who have been the ones to have an affair.) When she shared with them about Peter's affair, each of her friends recounted the
experiences they had in their relationships-- usually terrible and gut-wrenching accounts.
Finally Mary realizes that hearing about her friends' relationship woes due to infidelity is not making her feel any better and is certainly not positively contributing to the commitment she
and Peter have made to try rebuild trust. For the time being, Mary has decided to steer conversations she has with her friends away from the topic of affairs and on to different subjects that are neutral or helpful.
2.Look for opportunities to foster trust.
Sometimes it's all about where and what you focus on. If you say you want to trust your partner again yet you keep looking for proof that he or she really is untrustable, then you'll probably get the proof you're seeking. Instead, what if you look for opportunities to foster trust between the two of you?
Are we suggesting that you deny information you might receive that's telling you your partner is cheating again?
Of course not. We encourage you to stay aware of what's going on and listen to your feelings-- not just fears, but your gut feelings.
You might start with small ways that you can rebuild trust with your partner. For example, perhaps you begin to notice how he or she follows through on promises about projects around the house or plans to meet for lunch.
You can begin to feel improvement in your relationship when you notice and acknowledge to yourself and your mate seemingly insignificant trustable moments.
Peter has been making a real effort to prove to Mary that he has re-committed himself to their relationship and their agreements. Before the affair, communication was often a prickly area for the two of them. Peter used to guard his privacy and felt that he shouldn't have to "report in" to
Mary about his plans.
But now Peter is following through with his intention to be more open about his activities and
he has even begun to ask Mary to share with him more about her day. They are also scheduling more time together which is an improvement.
With clarity and awareness, make note of what's going right between you and your partner as you rebuild trust after infidelity.
Rebuilding trust can take time, but you may just be surprised to find that you two can not only survive the affair, but, eventually, your relationship can actually thrive!
3. Do it For The Person You Love The Most.
Your Kid . He Needs a father regardless of his age . although you haven't mentioned his capacity as a father with your child but if its good and you don't have a problem with him besides trust then why put something that can turn amazing into the shredders? come on give it a chance and see what happens as you said communication is vital . so give it a chance
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