A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi there, just wondered if you could offer some friendly advice? I am in love with a man who is recently out of a 15 year relationship. I'm not sure who left who as he is sensitive about it, understandably. He and his ex wife has split their assets and he is about to move into one of their houses. I have been seeing him for a year now and we are both not dating anyone else. He tells me that he loves me..BUT I have only met his Mum once (I was introduced as a friend, and he didn't initiate any physical contact, ie. hand holding) and never any of his friends (he says that they had mostly mutual friends and he doesn;t want to upset anyone). I have lived alone for 2 years and would like for us to take the relationship further, more than seeing each other once a week for dinner and a movie or watching a dvd at my house. He has met my family a couple of times. He says that he is still sorting his head out and really depressed at the moment, and that he wants a serious relationship with me but can't have one with me right now. He says he would like me to just be happy with hanging out together (of course he still very much wants to have sex with me every second time we see each other)! and that I shouldn't pressure him, and that me of all people shouldn't be giving him a hard time. I feel I have been waiting for him for the last 6 months but there is always a reason why he can't take things further. I do love him and am supportive, but I suggested that if he wasn't ready still for something a little more, (ie. being invited somewhere with him and his friends, or to the house he currently shares with his father. I have only been invited there once, and introduced as a close friend, never a girlfriend) then we should just be friends (that would mean no sex...). HE said that he wanted to gradually build up to something more and that he hoped I would still like a relationship with him, but (in my words) on his terms, ie. I don't make any demands on the relationship and see him when he can. He also works shift work ( i work 9-5) so it is hard to find matching times to get together. I seem to be getting more and more upset and feel my needs are not being met, but feel a bit mean as he is depressed right now. SUrely if a man truly loves a woman he will chase her and not let me get away? What do you think? Thanks for listening...
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2008): I would just like to say that when I was reading this it could have been me writing the article. The only diference was I was allowed to met some of his friends but not others. I'm guessing you wont be happy with the out come, I hung in there and gave him his space for 6 long years. Just like most of the people answering you said to do. After 4 years of what I call the yo-yo game, we even tryed living together that lasted a couple of years until I had ENOUGH. The whole 6 years including the 2 we lived together he would put his ex before me. Her needs, her wants, her feeling, her, her, her. There were even friends that I still havent meet to this day of his because she might get up set if I did. So he would go hang out with them with out me. We have been broken up for 2 years now because I final walked out on him, I couldnt take it anymore. It still hurts but so did being with him. Good Luck and God Bless
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2008): i am going through the same situation, and have just survived the turmoil....please for your own sanity...pull away from him...let him know that you are mysteriously not available to him....i know this is crazy but it's true...by doing this, you will give him time to evaluate your relationship....by having this space, he will know what it means to be without you...if he doesnt' mind the space, then it will be officially over (and yes, you will survive) but if during this time, he comes to realize he needs you, he will chase you....and don't give in with half-hearted attempts...when he comes back to you, it's on your terms and with a commitment on his part...don't settle for anything else...YOU DESERVE a man who will love you wholeheartedly! Please, for your sake don't settle for less...YOU ARE WORTHY OF A MAN's UNDYING AFFECTION...
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A
male
reader, int5  +, writes (12 November 2007):
give him time,hes going through a hard time. well if a woman really loved a man then SHE would chase after him,be careful with the double standard thing
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2007): hmm, I think you should put a holt on the sex. if the guys having sex with ya but isn't willing to be your boyfriend then he's trying to burn the candle at both ends. don't let him see you as his toy. don't play 'hard to get' but just make it clear that you aren't 'love on tap' and that you are truely in love with him...don't give him an ultimatum or anything but refuse to have sex for the time being. if he sees that he has to treat you right (eg: the whole holding hands, introducing as friends thing) he'll see what he really wants. good luck hun
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2007): Hi there, i am the poster of this question and thank you for your insightful answers. When we met he was separated and living apart from his wife. He also admitted that he cheated on her twice during the marriage 'just for sex' which I am horrified at, but says he loved her dearly but didn't feel needed. I am also divorced (2 years ago) so know it can be really hard. Thank you.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (12 November 2007):
 I can see where he would be a bit secret with the relationship at this point. Divorce is hard. It depends on if he's in a fault or no-fault divorce jurisdiction. In a fault jurisdiction your relationship could harm his case, as it's recognized that adultery can be an issue up until the judge has ordered the divorce to be final.
I'd give him some time. As the areas of divorce are complete, he'll have more time allowed for everything else. 15 years can be a long time being with someone, and divorce in its self is an extremely trying and difficult situation. I think everything eventually will work its self out.
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A
female
reader, charli 1603  +, writes (12 November 2007):
 well, number one.
i think what you're doing is amazing.
but maybe its about time he knew how you felt. if he isn't prepared to understand how this is making you feel i really don't think it is worth it. i am all for putting someone else's feeling in front of your own, but when a guy wants to burn the candle at both ends, i think that is the time to draw the line. have you suggested an open relationship? i know it's not exactly ideal for you, but if he sees that you want him in your life, but also want the stability of an actual relationship, he may get his butt into gear and decide what he wants. more to the point, he may do something about it.
good luck
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A
female
reader, peaches83 +, writes (12 November 2007):
 15 years to be with someone is a long time and as bad as this may sound to you he will still love her even if its only a little.
I understand him saying he needs time and i aslo understand the way that you are feeling.
In my eyes its a case of you were deeing him while he was still with his wife???
Well now he is free he is ready to make that step and be ultimatly yours and he is a bit withdrawn due to the recent break up.
I suggest that if he askes for time then give him it BUT make it clear that you are not going to wait around. You haev done that for too long. Make your feelings know to him and how you feel also about the situation with your meeting his friends etc.
Most men will never chase it is a sign of weakness. They like to think that they are irresistable and women wil always come to them.
By letting him know your views and ho you feel should put him mind into gear and make him actually think of the future instead of hanging onto the past.
I hope this is helpful
Dont give up.
Good luck
Peaches x
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