A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi there, I'm 27 and I've not moved out of my parents house. At the moment i'm facing the prospect of moving over an hours drive away with my partner to be closer to my work, but I have a lot of concerns about it.I've never moved out or lived with my partner and i'm really scared. I feel I'm not ready for such a big step and I'll miss my parents far too much. I really value the time i get to spend with them when i come home and watch tv. I have a great relationship with them. My parents aren't happy to see me go so far either, but obviously know I need to leave at some point. At the moment I'm not sure how i feel about my relationship with my partner. We have been dating for 6 years and things just seem to have become kind of stagnant. I'm a bit bored maybe, but I do certainly love him. I'm afraid that moving in might change things and we go in a negative direction or I resent having to move away from my family to be with him.I feel i'm only moving because i think i'm getting too old to live at home, my relationship has gone on long enough that we SHOULD move in and it's easier to be closer to work. My question really is, is this a good enough reason to move out now? Should I wait? or do I just need to do it because there isn't really a good time at all?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 March 2015):
 I think you should wait. If nothing else for the very good reason that femmenoir mentions too : that you are happy(er) where you are.
Why do you feel that you SHOULD move ? because at 27 is more " politically correct " , more grown- up to be living with a partner than with your parents ?... uhm,maybe yes. But it does not sound as if you are just a mommy's girl or daddy's girl- it sounds like you genuinely and thoroughly enjoy the closeness with your parents and have a very special relationship with them . I think, yes, that most 27 y.o. woen would be keener on having cozy nights at home watching TV with their SO, rather than cozy nights at home with their parents. But we are not all alike, and if you happen to a have a better , more enjoyable relationship with your parents, than with your bf - and in short, being happier where, and with whom you are ,than where and with whom you'd end up being, I don't see why you should an enthusiasm which you do not feel ,just to be like your friends or to conform to social expectations.
Of course, that you have big doubts about leaving , and that you basically prefer your parents' company to your bf's- must say something ,I suppose, about the current state of your relationship... or its foundation itself. I guess that , if you feel this way, ther's something to fix / re-evaluate in the r/ship. But, until you have done just that,...stay put.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2015): May I offer a slightly different perspective?I was in your shoes (with nearly the same relationship length)). I didn't and I kind of regret it- at least then, if I would have,I'd have known whether it would have worked out or not on our terms.You'd have to live with somebody else at some point.I felt the exact same way as you-I just wasn't sure. That is not to say I loved my partner any less.There are people like the other anon woman, who are ready to jump in, take a chance and a risk (even if it's a big one!). I'm just not that kinda person (I'm very glad it worked out for you anon!), but NO MATTER how much I loved somebody I know I could not, would not move country for them.I just always think of all the "what ifs", I think of the future too much etc. etc. We were too comfortable too (and I interpret this as- very,very used to each other. No fights, no drama,nothing we wouldn't do or say in front of one another. Too,too comfortable. In retrospect-some mystery still available to either personality would have been good.We just knew everything about each other.)So basically, what I'm trying to say is: I'm risk-averse. I'd like to know the outcome and to be sure of it.But with those things-you never know what the outcome would be. It's just taking a chance on somebody basically.Do you want to take a chance on your current bf?That's the only answer that matters-if you do,do it, if you don't-end it.I'd do it for a limited period though-i.e. short lease of 3 months/6 months,maybe not in he "perfect" place but one that's easy to get out of, if things get sour.Your parents won't be in another country-they are just an hour away! As such, if things don't work out,you can always go back to living with them (presuming they are ok with this outcome?Could you ask them?)With you both being closer to work, you'll have more time to get to know your partner better, to spend more time with them and this will help YOU determine whether you really,really WANT to be with him for the rest of your life or not (as I presume this has been talked about after 6 years?)I've heard several times:"Oh,but you SHOULD be excited to move in with X..." No,I'm not actually. I'm scared shit"£*s every single time.I've heard from some friends that they were the same,but once they did it-it was all ok. I just could not take the plunge.Because I see it as yet another test of the relationship. And who has ever been happy before exams/tests? Not me.Even IF it works out=then another test. Marriage. Will that work out? What if it doesn't? How hurt will he be?etc. etc. I am just a worrier by nature.On the off chance that you are like me- sometimes we have to find a way to overcome our nerves. Just like before walking on stage or down the isle.I haven't managed that yet,but maybe you can. If it does NOT work out-you know you gave it your all and you still can go back to your parents' place (hopefully-really discuss this with them and how you feel about it. They might be able to offer some advice too? And they only have your best interests at heart).
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (4 March 2015):
 Paragraph 2 says you are not ready to move out. It is a tremendous move to move in with someone who you are not used to. and move away from two people who love you to bits. a.) they will be crushed and b.) you will be traumatized with the complexity of living with someone new. My advice would be to wait at least one year before making a final decision. In that year's time go on trips with your mate. see how it goes
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2015): You do what feels right to you.At the end of the day, you are the one who has to live with the choices you make.Don't do what you feel you should should want to do or what is expected of you. Do what makes you happy. If you want to stay with your parents then for goodness sake do it! There is nothing wrong with it. It's what makes you happy.As for your fella, I reckon you ought to be kind and let him go. I don't think you are entirely happy with him.I moved countries to be with my fella after 3 years of dating. We're now happily married and my family lives 3 hours away. I am very happy indeed. It sounds cliche but if being in this relationship was REALLY what you wanted, you wouldn't be dragging your feet like this. Be strong and do what you know makes you happy.
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A
female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (3 March 2015):
 There are many facets to your question, but the basic fact is that, you are not too sure, period!
This tells me that you should remain where you are & not follow your partner.
I wonder about a number of things.
You've been togther for 6 years & i wonder if the two of you, have ever spoken of getting engaged, married?
Please do not think ill, nor rude of me for asking, but your answer really would make all the difference actually.
If you both had a serious, formal commitment to one another, then perhaps you wouldn't feel as worried, nor as insecure, about moving far away with your partner, as you now do.
Also, if you mention that things are becoming kind of "stagnant", then maybe you are not completely happy, content within this relationship, no matter how much you say you love your partner.
Please think about this point, when you're alone & able to think, reflect better.
I have one simple philosophy for you here.
When in doubt, make no change & take your time, until you, yourself, feel things are "right".
Unless you're both very strong together, very much in love & very committed, i actually think that this prospective move, may actually harm your relationship.
Yes, things will change, for the better or for the worse, if & when you made the decision to move in together.
The problem is, that nobody can predict the future, but @ least when the two of you have stronger foundations, then there is less likelyhood of the two of you breaking up, or feeling insecure & threatened all the time.
A relationship needs to be nurtured, just as a plant requires TLC, water to survive & a house requires maintenance to continue standing, so if you are already having doubts & even more strangely, after 6 yrs together, then i truthfully think you would be better of remaining @ home, with your parents.
Yes, you may well resent your partner for this prospective move, if you were to go with him.
This in turn, would create some serious issues between you both.
A relationship should never be back breaking work, it should be smooth flowing & relatively easy going.
How do i know for sure?
Well, bec i am living with my husband-to-be & i have had prior experience with men.
I am much older than you & btw, your age is actually not too old anymore, to still be residing with your parents.
Bec of finances, or lack thereof, for many younger persons these days, many are remaining @ home for a longer period of time & there is nothing wrong with doing so, provided that you save while you remain @ home, so that when you're getting older & do decide to move out, then you have set yourself up independently & your overall life will be better, bec you were better prepared from the onset.
Actually, i would advise any young perosn to save whilst still living with Mum & Dad, bec it's much easier to save, as you don't have the big responsibility of bills to pay regularly.
Once you move out, you will then see the big difference & you'll so appreciate what you had whilst still @ home, having it pretty easy, to say the least.
I guess if your heart isn't in it 100% & you're just not certain, then don't do anything you feel uncomfortable doing, esp if it is just to please your partner, to some degree.
If he truly loves you, he will understand. If he decided to move far away without you, then maybe you need to sit down & re-assess your relationship in the long term.
Again, my only question to you both would be to ask, why @ both your respective ages, have you both not sat down & talked about your future together?
With all due respect, you are both mature enough to discuss things & you don't want to waste your youth, unsure about which direction you're both going to take, whether it be together, ro respectively.
I would advise you, as an older woman & mother, to really think long & hard about what it is, that "YOU" really want/need in "YOUR" life.
Once you have made that final decision, then go with that. :-)
I wish you all the best & please let me know how you get on. :-)
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A
female
reader, MoniqueEE +, writes (3 March 2015):
It seems that you are not only doubting moving but doubting your relationship a little bit. Remember if you are bored now, it will only be you two in the house.Never do anything because you think you should do it. Go with your gut and do it because you want to, it will make you value your decisions more and make you more positive whilst making it.I understand society makes us think we should be at certain points by certain ages but that's society's problem, not yours. You love him but you're scared - so think about it - what do you want to do?Do you want to jump in head first and try it out? Would you regret it if it didn't work out after that? Life is all about living and experiencing different things. You are young and have so much ahead of you. Why not try things out before deciding if it's bad for you? Your parents will definitely welcome you back with open arms if things don't work out. So try it,if you WANT to. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, xTheAlmightyDuckx +, writes (3 March 2015):
 I personally think you should wait.. as you said yourself: "my relationship has gone on long enough that we SHOULD move in"
I think as well as it being closer to work, your main reasoning behind why you want to move out is simply because that is the thing to do after being with someone for six years, but does that mean you are ready to move in with your partner?
I personally think at the moment your best bet is too wait... because I think at the moment your not ready. There is nothing wrong with having a close relationship with your family, and don't think just because you are older and have been with someone 6 years that MEANS you have too move out! The only situation normally where you HAVE to move out is if your parents want you too, and at the moment is seems like you have a very strong bond with them.
I also agree with you when you say it could have a negative impact on your relationship.. as moving in with someone does have implications when you are with them. Ovbiously you'd see eachother every day, probably go throughout the same routeine each day and you don't always get the goosebumps like you normally do when you haven't seen them for a few days, and if your already finding things slightly boring maybe you should wait for a little while.
Postpone the move for a couple of months too try and make your decision... see if you feel your ready to move in with your partner and leave your parents.. talk to both your parents and partner about your worries, a problem shared is a problem halved after all. :) I think at the moment you just need too have a good long think about this and perhaps prepare yourself if you do decide to move. Nothing is set in stone yet, so you have plenty of time to consider everything that comes with moving.
And please don't think about doing something, just because you feel like you SHOULD do it! A favourite phrase of mine was always "Some people go from A to B, and others take a detour" ;) Good Luck. x
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