A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm married with 1 son, we had lot's of ups and downs in our family, I went through drug abuse and loans, violence from my hubby. He is change now, he does neither of 'em anymore. I am glad of it, until... one of my friend told me that he love me, he is married with 2 kids, and I know his wife too. after long talk and everything, I loved him, I love everything about him. we had sex, it was different with when I had it with my hubby, this one I can actually feel loved...not just lust...in the end, both our spouses knew about our affair, and we decided to go back to our family. But I can't deny my feeling, when I see him I keep looking at him, and last sunday we look at each other eyes, and I said bye since I'm about to leave the place at the time.....I know this feeling is not right but I can't deny it. what should I do? how can I get rid of this feeling? please don't judge me because I know this is not right, but this feeling is killing me too inside. please someone give me strength, or tell me what am I supposed to do....
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2015): Most women encounter 3 phases to an affair: infatuation, realization that it can't be forever and disentanglement. Two out of the 3 are very bad and in my book far outweigh the infatuation. For a guy there is only one phase: sex until he gets caught. So he got caught and he did not choose you which means, apart from sex, you don't matter to him. I think you should evaluate your entanglement against what that guy is truly telling you that you are good enough to screw but not good enough to be with. All the talk about kids etc is just bunch of bull so he can put you on the sideline politely. You have been had and I think you need to, at this point, learn how not to be used, how not to be naive by remaining infatuated over verbal bull that he is selling you. If you just realize how much you have been used I think the anger at that would immediately disentangle you from any feelings for that guy.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm sorry I might not say it clearly...I didn't do drugs, it was my husband but he stop now, he never do drugs, alcohol, or abuse me anymore. He's changed that's why I feel so bad for thinking this other man continuously. Both of our spouses knew about the affair and we all agree to go back to our own families.
-- femmenoir : thank you for your answer, you really point everything all out. I do want to try to forget the other man since he told me he can't leave his kids, and I can't do it for my son too...its just that this feeling keeps coming and going for a while now. I am lost....
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A
female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (3 March 2015):
 You truthfully need to sit down & re-think over everything that has occurred within your life, over the years.
I would suggest that you seek some professional assistance/help, in order to help your own state of mind & perhaps, to help you resolve some inner conflict & to help you release so many painful feelings within.
You should never remain within a violent relationship, nor should you get emotionally involved with a married man, bec we all know that this is the messiest type of connection.
The fact remains, that you did get involved emotionally, sexually, with this married man & now you are feeling so overwhelmed & confused.
This, unfortunately, will be bound to happen, as it always will, where an affair has occurred.
Despite your more intense feelings for this other man, i would strongly advise you to stop seeing him, placing yourself in situations whereby you will see him & want him over & over.
This way you are free to move forward & so too, he.
To continue seeing each other, crossing paths, is very unhealthy for you both, so too, your respective spouses, no matter how much, or how little you all love each other/feel about each other.
The key is to decide what you are going to do about your feelings for him & what type of future do you really want, wish for?
The other crucial issue is that you have a son & he should be your first priority, not another married man.
Please set a good parental example for your son & in front of him always.
I would have to differ with your own opinion of where you both stood within your affair.
How can this other man, actually truthfully be 100% committed to you & only you, when his wife is @ home?
How can he possibly love you 100% & you love him equally?
He cannot give of himself 100%, when he still has so called, baggage @ home.
Does this make sense to you?
It actually makes no sense & i would say that if there are stronger feelings there, it's only bec neither of you are happy within your respective unions & bec the grass seems temporarily greener on the other side.
Believe me when i say, this feeling will not last forever & i am sure you would know this too.
You are most probably on the rebounds @ this point in time & only time would tell, what is really to be, between the two of you.
Most affairs are much more lustful, than anything else, although you've stated that you don't feel it's lustful.
It is not possible, for he still has responsibility @ home, no matter how much he tries to deny it.
It may be temporary lust, although i am sure, you don't agree with me.
He is enjoying you & your company, primarily sexually, bec you're so available to him,you've made yourself available to him, to fulfill his sexual needs, urges, that he may not be getting enough of @ home.
Do you know the saying, Give a man a one metre & he will go one yard?
Well, most men who conduct in affairs, will never say no to the taking.
I am not beings sexist by any means, but this is a fact, as i am sure of many women equally.
Also, you may ask any man. If a man is completely satisfied sexually @ home, then he won't get the urge to seek sex elsewhere.
If he was truly in love with you, truly committed to you, then he'd have left his wife by now & made some sort of formal commitment to you by now.
He won't do this, bec in the end, you will both lose too much.
Sure, you are unhappy @ home & with your husbands behaviour toward you, both aggressiveness wise & lack of loving wise, so why do you stay with him?
Why continue to torment yourself?
Why not make the very brave decision to get out of this very unhealthy union & make your own new life, free of violence & neglect.
It is always hard in the beginning, to make that initial move, but once you do, you will never look back.
If you know your own self-worth, then you'll clearly know that allowing a man to slap you around, to beat you up, to scare you, to threaten you, is just not on.
It makes it even worse when your child is subjected to seeing this too & i pray that he hasn't.
Please be brave & change your life for the better.
I would also advise you, to seek counselling about your addiction to drugs in the past, to make sure this side of your life, doesn't re-surface, or re-present itself again, through prospective stresses to come.
I would also advise you to see a financial expert, to discuss all your $ matters. To help you get your finances in order, so you are debt free, in the future.
Please take care of yourself & your precious son, first & foremost.
I wish you all the very best & please let me know how you get on. :-)
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (3 March 2015):
 You don't feel loved by your husband? Then why have you stayed?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2015): How can you tell us you're a married-woman who had an affair with a married-man, and then ask no one to judge you? You need a little judging in order to reset your line of thinking. You need to be reminded just how wrong it is, in order that you'll also put more effort into setting things right with your life; before you go back to your husband.
You don't mention anything about either of you getting treatment, counseling, and rehab for your drug-abuse and marital-problems. Have you? If you still have feelings for another man that you can't shake; why are you going back to your husband? It isn't out of love for him. It's necessity. Your life is a mess, and you're going back; because you can't go forward.
How do you know your husband has changed? Why on earth would you go back to a violent husband after having an affair with another married-man? Sounds like you're setting yourself up for the worst situation possible. He just forgives you, and absolves you of all your sins; and all is forgotten? Seriously, I doubt it.
Men with violent tendencies, have no patience and are not the forgiving kind. You must have been away, and just haven't been around for the abuse for awhile.
Just a word of advice. I don't really care about the affair. I am really concerned about your decision to return to a man known for domestic-violence after cheating on him.
Your feelings are not even 100% there for your husband.
You say both your spouses knew about your affair. None of this adds up.
Sorry, none of this makes any sense.
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