A
female
age
51-59,
*hoenixgirl
writes:HiI have been seeing my boyfriend for four months and he moved in to my apartment after two and a half months. I know this seems soon and it is! However, I know others who have managed this successfully and we thought carefully about doing this. It made the most sense financially too as we were spending (and have spent since we first slept together) every night together and he was paying expensive rent on his old room. I also needed a lodger to help me with the mortgage and a prospective one may not have been happy with living with a couple in a small apartment. Neither would I want three in my place!Of course it has been intense, spending every night together for four months. We love each other deeply and he has confessed I am the love of my life. He is very tactile and affectionate, thoughtful, intelligent and a great cook. Very attractive too which is helped by him being 11 yrs younger :) He is committed and accepts that although he would like a child with him, I don't want babies. He has vaguely mentioned marriage which is nice. I am not super-hurried about that. It is the relationship that matters to me right now and we have not been together long enough.However, he is terrible at housework which I really resent. It is not second nature to him, maybe as he lived a bachelor student life beforehand. He is better in some ways then he was on that front, but it still bothers me.Also, I find that i don't get enough sex from him in spite of however physically affectionate he is. We do it about twice a week on the weekends. I gently raised this with him and he said that he was now doing two people's jobs at work and was very stressed and tired in the evenings. He is recruiting an assistant and says this should change matters. I guess I got fed up with initiating sex all the time and since I have a high sex drive and would like it at least once a day and need to orgasm at least once a day, it bothers me. He continually asserts his attraction to me, though, and is concerned about it. I have not been in this close a relationship for a few years so find it hard to compare to previous ones. We have moved in soon, we spend every night together. Hey, this may well be normal, a phase, whatever and I don't want to be a demanding gf, but..Am I over-reacting? Like most women, it does my head in mostly around that time of the month :) That's now, in other words..I don't want to get too stressed about these things as he is the most important person in my life and i don't want to be too selfish. However, it frustrates me.Any advice much appreciated - thanks!
View related questions:
at work, moved in, orgasm, sex drive Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, phoenixgirl +, writes (2 June 2011):
phoenixgirl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to all for your advice! We are still together and things are better.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2010): The sex issue is a big deal and statements like sex twice a week is a lot more than most people is a terribly unhelpful generalisation.
People do have different sex drives but if his is going to stay significantly mismatched from yours (which is presently is) then it will be a major problem. Time doesn't make dealing with that sort of pain any easier.
...............................
A
female
reader, phoenixgirl +, writes (15 March 2010):
phoenixgirl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to all of you - you've given me valuable perspective which has helped a lot. I was sweating the small stuff and the housework issue is not a big deal. As for the sex drive, I can wait until he's got an assistant to see what happens. He is too good a boyfriend in other respects to not put up with some incompatibilities, anyway.Thanks again!
...............................
A
male
reader, anysecondnow  +, writes (15 March 2010):
I agree with most of KCs answer.
I would add that you really should try not to sweat the small stuff. Some of the things you mention really sound like your own control issues and if you succeed in breaking his balls and getting what you think you want, you probably won't respect him.
(I'll admit, I am speaking from experience here).
The difference in sexual drive sounds like it could be a real issue, though. There is probably not much you can do to change him there, and I am not totally sure that he'll come round to your satisfaction. You may have to learn to be happy with less.
Or not...
In other words, try to be happy with what you got. It is possible to do some fine-tuning, but you are not going to change him dramatically. If you can't accept him and the relationship more or less as they are, you should think about moving on...
He sounds like a good guy, but he may not be the one for you.
...............................
A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (15 March 2010):
 Ok so you have a wonderful relationship, have sex around twice a week (which is a lot more than most people) and his only flaw is that he is no good at housework? Sorry to say this but you are picking holes in something that is pretty darn good just for the sake of it! So yes, I think this is a bit of an over-reaction.
One question for you - do you work? Or is your boyfriend the only one working in your household?
I know I have a very high sex drive and would love sex once a day, but both my boyfriend and I work and it just is not possible to maintain that sort of sex life! We are both shattered in the evenings after a full day at work, it is hard to find the energy to have sex when you have been at work all day, then gone to the gym, then cooked tea! Hence why I ask if you work - if you dont then you need to ease up on him because he will never be able to match your sex drive when you are at home all day and he is working (in what sounds like a stressful job). If you do work then maybe you should just back off with the sex thing for a while until he hires an assistant, then maybe he will have more energy when he comes home for you.
As for the housework - that really is silly! He cooks for crying out loud! I have never met a man that cooks, and especially one that cooks well! So maybe the solution here is you need to start appreciating him for the things he does well, and allow him to have this one, minor flaw. If he is happy to cook then why not have an agreement that he cooks while you clean? That is a simple solution. Or if you can afford it, hire a cleaner. That is a fantastic way to stop rows over housework and will make both of your lives better! Men just are not all designed to be great at housework, and will often need a push to do something. So maybe tell him the jobs you would like him to do, and make sure he knows when they need to be done. But there is no harm if he is so great in all other aspects for you just to get on with the housework - if he does a lot for you in other ways then there is no harm in you doing something for him. It is all about finding a balance, and working to each of your strengths.
It sounds to me like this is just a little wobble you are having - it is probably the first issue that has come up in the short 4 months you have been together, and the PMT wont be helping! You are just picking holes in your boyfriend and this could be for a number of reasons, but the reality is that he sounds pretty great and like you have a good relationship. So stop finding problems where they dont exist and be happy that you have a great man who makes you happy. Women often like to "create" problems so to speak, when things are going almost "too well". Us girls dont feel comfortable with everything going well, so we like to rock the boat a bit to make us feel appreciated by picking up on little tiny insignificant problems.
I'm sure the sex situation will improve a little once he has hired an assistant, and make sure you keep talking about how you feel with regards to the situation. But dont nag him about it, otherwise he will feel like he is inadequate and cannot satisfy you - the worst feeling a man can have. This will definitely kill off your sex life - if he feels like he doesnt fulfill you sexually then his libido will vanish further. Try waiting for him to make the first move once in a while, even if it means going for a week without sex. Because once he realises how much he misses sex, he will start making the moves on you more frequently! This happened with my boyfriend - he went off sex for a little while and I felt like I was demanding it from him, but eventually I gave up and we went maybe 2 weeks without it. Once he realised how much he missed sex he couldnt get enough of me and now we are pretty equal in who initiates sex first.
I hope this helps and good luck!
...............................
A
male
reader, Dekten  +, writes (15 March 2010):
The issue of housework is solved quite easily: get a cleaning lady. My SO and I are both slobs when it comes to housework. Now a cleaning lady comes once a week and the problem is history.About the sex drive problem. I can't give you advice there, except state that I'm *very* envious of your boyfriend! I have the exact same problem as you, only that it's my girlfriend who maxes out at 1-2 times a week.I think that people's natural needs are simply different... I don't know if it's possible to bridge, except that you learn to take care of business yourself, so to speak.It would perhaps be ideal to mention ideal frequencies on the first date so that you don't have to be disappointed later on :-)
...............................
A
male
reader, Sledsik  +, writes (15 March 2010):
You really need to stress to him what you need. If he is the most important person in your life then you two should be able to talk about whatever it is thats lacking in the relationship. If you say you need more sex, tell him that its really bothering you. Also bring up the fact that its not just sex, its love.
...............................
A
female
reader, phoenixgirl +, writes (15 March 2010):
phoenixgirl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionby the way, although we have spent every night together, i see friends at least three times a week so we are not too dependent on each other.
...............................
|
