A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am at heart a very mild person. I do not like conflict. Violence, of any kind, is simply unnatural to me, and goes completely against my nature. I grew up in a suburb where violence was never part of our daily lives. Sure, some kids chose to fight on occasion, but that was easily avoided. I never got in a fight, or punched another person - including my siblings. My home was similarly without violence, or even loud conflict. We were always encouraged to express our feelings calmly, and listened to when we did. I played sports throughout, but was never super competitive. I have had people tell me over the years that I appear to be a very calm, laid-back, nice person. I had always felt they meant this as a compliment. I have only been in one fight ever in my life, and it was unavoidable: a close friend was attacked by multiple gang members at the same time and they were beating him. Avoidance was not a moral option. I jumped in to help him. He later had to be hospitalized. I emerged with some bumps and bruises.beginning when I moved away to college, I discovered a world much different than my upbringing. People who went to parties just to fight. Girls who demanded I fight for them, or who would cause some unnecessary drama, and then be very upset and sometimes insulting when I did not jump in and "protect" them. Even now, in my 40's, dealing with youth sports and neighborly disagreements, conflict is everywhere. People are seemingly always ready to verbally attack one another, or "go to war." Shockingly, at least to me, the threat of violence from one guy to the next keeps emerging - like kids in a schoolyard. Mind you, we live in a solidly middle-class suburb, without much crime, gangs or need for violence at all.My spouse has a fiery temper, and an "i dont take shit from no one" attitude. (let me be clear, however, she does not engage in any sort of physically violent behavior). She is also very expressive with her feelings, and lives life with a passion i find very attractive. We have been together many years, and she obviously knows me well. She knows that I have a passivist heart. But even with her, from time to time I sence a hinted at disdain when I do not engage in the really nasty verbal wars that go on, or when I avoid engagement with the muscle head men who make it clear that if things progress violence is a possibility. I think she finds this especially troubling when our family and kids are involved. My natural reaction is to just avoid that person, stop being friends, etc - rather than get into an ugly war, which seemingly everyone is sooo willing to do these days over the most petty of things.Over the years I have grown to be embarrassed of this aspect of myself. I guess I have bought in somewhat that I am less of a man. As we get older I think most of us become aware of some of our limitations, and just accept them. i grew to accept my gentle nature as a fault of mine. A weakness. The problem for me now is one of my sons is just like me - actually, he may be more gentle. To witness his unique gentleness has been transformative for me. That which i had grown to dislike about myself, I now have come to realize is a wonderous and beautiful thing in another. He is truly a beautiful person. Kids and adults are just drawn to him. Some people are very touched and wonder aloud at his nature. But I worry for his future. This is sweet in a child, but an ugly weakness in a man? Will the girls and women around him in the future disparage his kindness and gentle heart? Will they make it clear that he is less of a man? That they do not find him attractive?Maybe this is a particularly American delima. I don't know. But my question is for you women. Can you find a gentle man attractive, or in the end, do you need to know you have a "protector" a knight in shinning armor who will rescue you from life's drama? Is a gentle heart, or rather a fundamental aversion to violence and conflict, just a completely unmasculine unnattractive trait for a man? Is it a deal breaker for you?
View related questions:
muscle, violent Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (8 September 2011):
What is attractive, and what is not, varies from individual to individual but is powerfully influenced by the culture people are born into, as well as our primative drives. These forces typically affect woman at the social level to seek out men who are physically powerful and dominant, who have status and can demonstrate they can provide for and protect, who are confident and can lead. These forces stem from when we were living in caves fighting for survival, and men needed to protect women and the tribe, but they still have a massive influence in determining sexual attractiveness. However, humans are more complex than that, and women also seek out qualities that are less primiative, which also affect attraction. Qualities such as intelligence, creativity, artistry of some kind, communication skills, humour etc make a big difference to a persons attractiveness too.
Then there are other qualities that are highly desirable, but have less of an impact on sexual attractiveness. A gentle heart and aversion to violence are highly desirable, but are qualities that often do not generate attraction (keep in mind, this does differ from individual to individual depending on people's specific emotional way of working). They are not unattractive qualities in themselves, but women are not sexually drawn to your soft nature, they look to other qualities to determine that. What a gentle heart can do though is inspire love and compassion in others, and open the way to deeper connections to basic sexual drives. Many woman are seeking this more than sexual attraction (though in truth, they are mostly looking for a complete package of course). What this means is that you and your son have nothing to worry about. Women who seek out loving reltaionship have a really hard time finding loving, gentle men. You and your son might not appeal to all women, but there are some out there who will be so very grateful to have found someone that can be gentle and loving with them the way they want.
Also, there is nothing wrong with being gentle and developing some of your other qualities which women find sexually attractive, which have nothing to do with violence. You can alway be both.
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (7 September 2011):
 I think you have a misdiagnosis of your problem. I don't think being reasonable is a deal breaker for anyone.
In my humble opinion, the problem is that you never seem to be able to stand up for yourself, or her. THAT is a deal breaker. Pay attention to my words: I say "you never seem". Perhaps you do stand up for yourself, but every once in a while you need to do it in ways that are in conflict with good manners.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (7 September 2011):
 I think you and your son are SMART. Sadly it's true,violence is escalating and becoming more and more pervasive even in areas and social settings where it was unheard of just few years ago. And, it does not help to be a bulky aggressive muscleman when your opponent may be half your size- and have a gun or a knife in his pocket. You can be as big as Hulk Hogan and get killed by a skinny 16 y.o. who's light on his feet and fast with his box-cutter.
Women like to be protected but perhaps the best way to protect them is : not making them widows and their children orphans.
A man who understands that shows intelligence , self restraint and good control of his emotions , and that's power too, in fact more power than going around shouting : bring it on ! d'ya wanna a piece of me ? And power IS attractive.
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (7 September 2011):
 There is a difference between addressing a conflict calmly, as opposed to shying away from it. I'm not condoning muscle power in any way, I'm just saying there are situations when there could be a different way of dealing with things. For instance, if I'm walking down the road and some hooligan tries misbehaving with me, I'm not going to take it lying down. I will not shy away from slapping him if necessary and calling the attention of people, because there are certain situations where silence is seen as an acceptance of the wrong act.
Your way of dealing with problems seems to be to shun it. " My natural reaction is to just avoid that person, stop being friends, etc - rather than get into an ugly war, which seemingly everyone is sooo willing to do these days over the most petty of things." That's understandable, to each his own, but the thing is, problems can be sorted out without an ugly war, even though the resulting conversation can be very unpleasant. Still, at the end of it, you have a way of addressing it, rather than looking away and pretending its over. I once had an argument with someone and I knew they were wrong, and while I was very close to them, I decided to confront the issue and talk it out and make my point clear. If I havent done anything wrong, why should I be scared of anyone, why should I take shit from anyone and why cant I put my point across?
Look, please dont get me wrong, I'm not judging you in any way. You have a way of handling things and its really commendable. There are not too many people who would think like you. But at the same time, one has to stand up for what they think is right, and I personally dont think a total abandonment of conflict is the way to do it. Conflict does not necessarily mean violence, in fact it is almost like an oxymoron, because to some extent conflict is good, in the sense that you challenge what you think is wrong and stand up for it, rather than accept it.
Ok now back to your question, NO, a gentle man is NEVER unattractive, in fact, it is really nice that there are people like your son who are kind and gentle and have good values. But again, being too soft is not such a good thing, because people will walk all over him. If he can stand up for himself and have confidence in himself, then you dont need to worry about him. How many fights a man has been involved in, is no testimony to his character. My brother has never been involved in a physical fight, he is very gentle and mild, a very rational person, but if he needs to stand up for himself against something that is wrong, he will. And I believe everyone should do it. There is a way to solve problems without violence and that is something that one should always know.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (7 September 2011):
 I'm going to arguing against you. This isn't solely a nature of yours as much as it is the way you were brought up. You didn't experience fighting, or even loud arguments, while growing up. You learned a way of dealing with conflict, while most others in the world learned another way to deal with conflicts. Some ways are better than others, some are aggressive and physical (the worst) and some are passive. People within the same family learn different techniques as well, but it is still dependent on how you grew up.
Being passive isn't the same as dealing with conflict in a calm manner though. I am not sure which one you believe you fall under. Being passive isn't good, because that's avoiding conflict all-together. And that, conflict avoidance, isn't good (because problems don't go away if you ignore them). It could be that because of the apparent impossibility for you to practice conflict dealing the way you learned it, you resort to avoiding conflict instead of dealing with it.
However, back to your question. You managed to get a woman, and have children with her. Then what makes you think your son will not be able to? Just because some women wants a testosterone maniac to street fight for them over some drama they created themselves, doesn't mean all women want that. In fact I beg the differ. Women prefer a handsome gentleman with style over some hairy brute right out of the cave. But each to their own.
Your son will be fine! He's way too young for you to be nervous about his future date-life.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2011): Hello again - I am the poster earlier who said that I thought this was the most attractive trait a guy could have. Just to add: I think one problem in our society is people confuse an unwillingness to attack with an inability to do so.One way of overcoming this with a young person like your son, who may face bullying at school because of his gentle nature, is to give him huge capacity to fight, and to train him NOT to use it and to pursue the way of peace. I learnt this through martial arts. Taught properly, martial arts are not a training to attack and defend but a training in total self-control and spiritual discipline. I have seen it turn children who were terrors at school into peaceful, controlled rolemodels for others, because there is nothing like bravery, physical ability, and total self-possession to disarm bullies and muscle-heads.
...............................
A
female
reader, Claraw1 +, writes (7 September 2011):
 For me no it is not a deal breaker, I find it very attractive. I have had a boyfriend who would willingly fight anyone for me over the slightest thing, and it really annoyed me, and caused me to end the relationship. I would rather a man who can walk away from physical violence, as I believe that it takes a stronger person to do that. I as a woman do not want someone who will fight the world to protect my honor, but rather someone who will make it a loving environment for me to live in. I know here in Australia, it is widely accepted that man should be a man's man so to speak, and should fight to protect his name, his woman and so forth, but with myself and my friend's we find it to be very tiresome. Granted that if someone is threatening your loved one's with violence and a fight cannot be avoided, then it is understandable, but most of the time the better option is walk away, and we wish that they would learn to do just that.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2011): Unattractive? Are you kidding me? Avoiding conflict, but being strong in a situation that REALLY demands it has to be the MOST attractive trait a guy can have.
I think it's important that people can stand up when they need to. But unfortunately, we live in a society where our definition of 'necessary violence' is totally screwed up. Violence is only necessary if a fundamental principle - life, liberty, political freedom - is at stake. These rarely occur in life, but when they do, it's important to stand up and fight, whether verbally or physically, whatever the consequences. You have shown that you are capable of this when you rescued your friend. You are a gentle, but brave person. You will step up to defend your family if you had to, and (unlike many muscle-headed bullies) you have proved that you have that fight in you when necessary.
However, violence is absolutely NOT necessary in 99.99% of the situations that people use it in modern life. It is not necessary to punch someone if they call you a name. It is not necessary to retort angrily if someone abuses you. In fact, it is a sign of gross weakness to pay any attention to such things. It achieves nothing, except spreading evil. To retort with care and love to a slight makes you not only morally but psychologically superior, and the stronger party.
Also, I think that any woman who needs 'protecting' by a 'knight in shining armour' is a bit pathetic. We are not simpering creatures in corsets anymore - we are strong, powerful people, able to make our own decisions and take responsibility for them. I find it despicable that some women create situations of violence, and then expect men to deal with them on their behalf. It's wrong on every level. Any woman who can sneer at a gentle but brave man for not protecting her is not worthy of him. She should stop asking others to fight her battles, and focus on being a more kind and caring force in the world. The best way for a woman to protect her family is not to get them into fights!
Keep raising your son the way you are doing, and some day he will make a wonderful husband and father. He may be slighted on the way by some girls, but only because they're too stupid to see his real worth. He sounds like he has the stuff of a true leader in him, and I am sure that he will make you proud.
...............................
|
