A
male
age
36-40,
*olidus
writes:Okay, So I have a little dilemma. I've been sleeping with this woman I met. She's cool and everything and when we hang out we have a nice time, but she's becoming extraordinarily clingy. She texts things like "Do you miss me? What do you miss about me?" etc and the other night after having sex we were having conversation in bed and outta nowhere she just starts crying. That weird-ed me out a bit. She says she's not trying to lure me into any sort of commitment, but the way she's demanding my constant affection and attention I kinda feel like that's exactly what she wants. Last night she texted me "It's not like me. Everyone slips up. Plus you're the scared one. I see you." along with a picture of her waving at me in bed. I'm assuming it was all in reference to us sleeping together the first time we hung out. Personally, I'm confused and I don't know what to say to this chick. The general consensus among both my male and female confidants is that I should end it pretty soon. I feel bad because she's a really nice person, just...really clingy.
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male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (30 April 2014):
 Shes damaged. Very. And things will get damn dramatic if you hang around. Unless youre maury povich get out of this and fast.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (30 April 2014):
 I think OP, that intrigue3000 may have it right... a bit of
"methinks the lady doth protest too much"
I fear that "we can be friend" (the kiss of death my mother used to call it) will NEVER work with this lady.
you have a choice... relationship or nothing...
but the best thing to do is sit down and explain it to her.
and when she says she is willing to be FRIENDS... do not listen to her words... say you are willing to give it a try. Then what you do is not listen to her words but rather watch her actions... when her actions indicate she's still HOPING for more than casual friendship then you do HER a favor and walk away. If you care about her you won't want her hurting and you won't want her wasting her life waiting for you to make a choice you are never going to make.
and if the thought of NOT having her in your life is TOO upsetting... RETHINK what you want with her and go from there.
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A
male
reader, Mark1978  +, writes (30 April 2014):
 Some women SAY "yes just no strings fun is fine with me!" when what they actually mean is "I really like you and hope that by sleeping with you it will make you fall for me!"Also sometimes people get into a sexual relationship because they are lonely, lack confidence or want to feel good about themselves, only to find during or after the sex that it makes them feel they are being used. To combat this they want assurances that their partner "likes" them. Some women will sleep with someone casually then regret it and want to make it feel more like a "relationship" in their mind so they feel less shit about having had casual sex. I would call this off.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2014): Maureen1979 said it all. Some of you didn't get her point.She has been sarcastic ,that is the fact about FWB!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (29 April 2014):
 Oops, thank you C. Grant !
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A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (29 April 2014):
 LOL...OP, if you're talking to all of your friends about her and finding it hard to end things and hemming and hawing over her emotional outbursts, and wanting to remain friends even if there is no sex involved...Methinks you also have feelings for her. Maybe she's right. You are scared:)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2014): OK, if you want to be her friend, be a friend to her. I would stop hanging out with her at your place/her place and make sure it's public only. Don't be giving her a lot of affection or emotional support, but do lend a listening ear and practical suggestions if she asks for them. or, just let her know you want to hang otu and have fun/not dispense advice to her. Keep the activities you do together public and neutral, either taking turns paying or just paying your own individual ways. Make it clear to her in a kind way that you like her as a friend but want to cut off the sex because you're afraid she's getting attached. In general, keep the "hanging out" to 1-3 hours at a time once every couple weeks. This gives you both space to hang out with other friends and not just each other. Oh, it would also help if most of your "hanging out" with her were group activities and she saw that you were spending time with SEVERAL people and not just her. That avoids sending mixed messages
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A
male
reader, C. Grant +, writes (29 April 2014):
 Cindy, it was 10cc, not Lionel Ritchie. ;)
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (29 April 2014):
 Solidus, you could have the talk "I don't see a relationship coming out of this, but I really would like to keep seeing you as a friend", however I don't think she'll take it very well. You see, I have a feeling she quite likes you. If I were her, I won't want to stay friends with a guy I was sleeping with and got attached to. It would be painful.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (29 April 2014):
 Try it. (Talking to her that is)
Though for many people it's hard going back to being friends when you have been sleeping with each other and specially if she REALLY has feelings for you (and I think she does whether she wants to admit it or not).
But if you want her around as a friend, no sex.
FWB is a made up situation to make casual sex seem less casual. And to give (especially women) a "safe" casual partner. The thing is though, most women DO not want casual sex. They do the whole FWB because they think SEX will change the guys mind about her.
Personally, I don't understand why people feel the need to blur lines constantly. Friends should be friends ( not F-buddies) and partners should be partner. One night stand or casual sex partners should remain ONS and casual sex partners.
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A
male
reader, Solidus +, writes (29 April 2014):
Solidus is verified as being by the original poster of the question Here's the thing Maureen1979, I think she's very intelligent and cool, so even if I have to cut off the sex by setting her straight and having "The Talk" as some have mentioned. I'd still very much like to keep her as a friend. If that's even possible.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (29 April 2014):
I agree with Maureen... it's harsh but it's the truth...
if you want to continue with her because she's a nice person and you can give her what she wants (a real relationship) then to get her to stop being clingy you can go clingy on her... it will get her to back off.
if you are just using her for sex then end it now.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2014): Why don't you guys get it? Ifyousleep with a woman repeatedly she WILL develop feelings for you eventually. If its once or twice may be to, butif it's a regular thing she will as you say become " clingy" meaning she wants more than sex.
This is why before there were so called brothels when a man could come do his deed and leave behind few bucks, with No woman being clingy afterwards.
Now, no need for that. Why, if a anew relationship is invented called FWB.
And yes, may be Maureen is a bit harsh in her words, but she is speaking the truth. Thisis exactly whatis going on. The only difference between brothel and FWB is that there is no monetary transaction, and also that a womanis not a prostitute. But this is exactly how a man would treat a prostitute only without paying her.
And then women are called clingy. That's why after trying casual sex couple of time I never did it again. . I was not going to provide for someone sexual favours so I could be treated like a free hooker.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (29 April 2014):
I think she is trying to play "I can do casual" and failing, miserably.
She says she's not trying to lure you into any sort of commitment - but she is HOPING sex will do EXACTLY that.
You have two choices.
1. NIP it in the BUD - tell her all I want is a FWB/F-buddy.
2. End it.
I'd go for #2 for the simple reason that she is lying to you and herself about being able to be casual.
And as harsh as what Maureen1979 said, the gist of it is true. What OP wants is a woman to screw. A warm hole with a body. Now it can SURELY be paraphrased NICER, but she is right in the statement that OP needs to MAKE sure the woman understands how LITTLE he cares about anything a side from the sex. (NOT that there is ANYTHING wrong in just wanting NSA/FWB/F-buddy - he just needs to be CRYSTAL clear about it.)
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A
male
reader, methuselah +, writes (29 April 2014):
Hi,
You met, she are having sex and she likes you. She likes you a lot and may want you long term as a partner and perhaps more. This I think is the serious part of the 'relationship.'
Do you want more? Do you want NO strings? Does she want more now than you want to give?
I believe it is time now for the 'conversation' but be honest and please be nice!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2014): It sounds like she could be mentally disturbed to me. This is what you get when you hop into bed with someone you barely know and then maybe proceed to be ambiguous about what you really want or wanted. Set boundaries for yourself- only have sex in a committed relationship. It sounds like you have either mislead her and or she is not cut out for no strings sex, which most women are not truthfully. Learn this valuable lesson: there is NO FREE SEX, treat your gf and all women with respect.
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A
male
reader, dougbcoll +, writes (29 April 2014):
 what do you expect, you are having sex with her and expect her to act like she does not care?
sex is a powerful emotion bonding. you may have had sex with no strings attach thought toward her , just use her for your pleasure. with the sex between you two she has gotten attached to you emotionally.
you can kick her to the curb or face the music.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (29 April 2014):
Well, I don't think that Maureen meant it *literally* . ( Right, Maureen ? ) I guess she meant it more like, say what you mean and mean what you say. Don't say or do anything that could be misconstrued, and don't let people get, or maintain, wrong ideas, or nurture false hopes.
Have the courage to say, look, I enjoy what we have sexually and the cool times we have together, but, that's it. This is purely recreational for me, does not involve any particular feelings.
In other words, call a spade a spade, and an FWB an FWB.
If you see the other person is getting too lovey-dovey, or gives signs of wanting more than you have to offer, - be straightforward, nip it in the bud.
Of course it's more convenient to just coast along, and take the attention and affection without any intention of reciprocating, because this will keep the sex coming while the other person hopes that you just need time to warm up to him / her, or that you have " fears " of intimacy etc.etc.
But, it's not totally honest , and a bit cruel.
Sure, the other person is an adult too, with a thinking brain and eyes to see, so she ( or he, some times ) should be able to make her evaluations and draw her conclusions,- and ultimately it's her job to understand what is what ,and giving up illusions or misconceptions about the nature of the elationship.
But... it's more respectful to help them out , if they don't quite get it.
" I am not in loooove... don't make a fuss.... don't tell your friends about the two of us ... " - was it Lionel Ritchie ? :)
Of course , the catch is that some times, if you do that, the sex stops coming :). So that's why telling things loud and clear is not an immensely popular solution. Yet, it would be the most appropriate.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (29 April 2014):
Maureen1979: are you nuts? That's the worst advice I've ever heard. Did you even read it yourself? Let me rephrase it for you:
If you can't say to a woman you have a friends with benefits relationship with, "You're nothing but a warm hole for me to stick my dick in. Now shut your mouth and open your legs." then you're not cut out for a FWB relationship? How about you can't say that to a woman because you're not a misogynistic piece of shit?
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (29 April 2014):
 Well you cant have it all...much as you want to. If you feel that she's getting clingy and its becoming awkward for you then you have to just call it off, even if it means letting go of a good person.
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A
female
reader, Atsweet1 +, writes (29 April 2014):
 Im having this issue I have never been clingy with any man or women except my husband. Its like I can't be all in my feelings after my marriage Im single and divorced. I met a guy week one he is like I have to make you fall in love I dont do that anymore dont think I ever did in my life. Im a tin girl so to speak I have feelings just not so deep and when I did its was with a ghost so to speak. I enjoy people I accept them how they are and what I see is what I get. Its strange too when you dealing with extra clingy people. I noticed they always the types that want to be not committed but want you in love or committed also. If you dont like clingy find non clingy thats what I advise or fwb friends with benefits. Its that simple its not hard to find people thats cool to sleep with thats not clingy or wanting marriage with children.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2014): That was awful, Maureen1979.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (29 April 2014):
If you only want sex, end it. She obviously isn't on the same boat as you are.
However, if you may want more, it could be that you only need to talk with her. The examples you've given don't seem too wierd to me, just a little annoying. But it could be an indicator of a bigger problem. If that's the case I'd leave her and let her know why without being critical.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2014): Women develop emotions when having sex period.
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female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (28 April 2014):
Solidus, it doesn't sound like she's cut out for casual/ commitment-free sex in the same way that you seem to be. Sex=attachment=clinginess for some women. You weren't to know that (about her) since you both had sex the first time you met.
Regarding her comment about you being scared, I'd guess she's more scared than you? She'd be better to wait for commitment before sex IMO, but that's for her to work out herself.
And as for you, I agree with your friends and I'd end it soonest to avoid upset.
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