A
female
age
41-50,
*oveyDoveyBear
writes:We've been together for almost a year and a half and lived together for 10mo. We've been having a lot of arguments and most of the time it is him misunderstanding something and having short tempers. His divorce finalized last December and he has one baby boy. He said we need this space so he moved out of our rented condo, I miss him a lot even though he comes to see me almost everyday I mean I miss him being at home with me. I understand we need space but this doesnt feel right that we went from living together to now living separately but staying together like normal. I want this to work but it makes me feel sick in the stomach and I dont know when will things go back to normal again or if it will. I feel he has been putting in some effort in trying to save the relationship but I just cant understand living separately after having lived together. Sometimes im okay and then sometimes it drives me crazy and makes me feel sad and upset. How can I make him understand how to live together again? Im trying to be cool about it right now but I cant wait so long for him to come home to me. I feel stuck and dont know where this is going and not sure what he really wants. I feel he doesnt want to lose me because hes been putting in the effort to see me often and he even came to our place and made me dinner which he rarely does, I was usually the one to get groceries and cook dinner for him. How could I change his mind to come home to me and just live together again? I know its not going to happen right away but I dont want to live apart from him too long. I also feel that maybe he needs some space to get over his divorce so im trying to understand him but being apart from and not being able to do a lot of things together like before makes me feel like we're taking a big step back, I have no idea if this is going to make us stronger or is it just going to fade away slowly, im afraid. I moved out of my parents house to live with him, I've never lived alone and it feels really scary. I don’t want to move back to my parents because I dont want them to know about this, if my mom knows she wont stop asking me questions and talking about it and I know it will just make me feel worse.
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divorce, moved out, needs some space Reply to this Question
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (1 May 2014):
 Why would you want him back living with you , since you were fighting all the time ? do you want to bicker some more ?, and be the butt of some more hot tempers ?...
What's the point of living together , if you CAN'T live together without turning your home into a warfront ?...
It's actually wiser to stay separated, and see if you can work on whatever made the relationship conflictual. There must have been a reason for all those conflicts and misunderstandings, see if you can eliminate / decrease it before even attempting to repeat the cohabitiation experiment.
Keep in mind,that maybe you can't. Maybe you are just not compatible. You mention his " hot tempers ", and, well, maybe this is the way he is - hot tempered . If you don't like that ( not that I blame you )- I doubt you can change his personality either living together, or from a distance, so you'd be smarter breaking it off.
Anyway, since proximity tends to fuel conflicts, while you both decide if the relationship can be mended / saved- you are better off living each one on your own.
You don't like living alone... well, option 1 )- learn to like it, or learn to lump it, you are over 30, I wish you to find someone to make a steady couple with,, either this guy or another, - but if you don't , what you plan to do, live with mom until you are 70 ?... 2 ) get a roommate 3 ) go back to your parents. So you screwed up, big deal. Yes, it's normal that they'll ask questions, both because they are your parents and they worry about you ,and because they probably won't resist the very parental temptation of telling you " I told you so " !. It's not a tragedy, keep in mind that whatever they say or ask comes from a place of love and concern for you , it 's not like they want to gossip. But if you just can't stand it- tell them: "I do not want to talk about it because it upsets me " " sirry, I am not prepared yet to discuss my relationship at the moment, please understand ". What can they do, they can't torture you to make you talk !
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (29 April 2014):
 I note these (several) bits in your submittal:
- "...and most of the time it is him misunderstanding something..."
- "How can I make him understand how to live together again? ..."
- "How could I change his mind to come home to me and just live together again?"
- "...I feel he doesnt want to lose me ..."
With you assigning blame, when you deem it necessary... and with your's being the only agenda that seems important to you ... and you doing all the thinking (for him and you), it's easy to imagine why he is putting distance between the two of you...
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (29 April 2014):
 Honestly, what you REALLY need to do is break it off.
IF two people can't live together in a "decent" fashion without the arguments and tantrums, you aren't a good match.
If the fighting "drove" him away, then you two need to figure out WHY it is that you fight when living together and not fight when you are apart.
And I agree you DO come off as selfish, I don't want to live alone so he should move back in, and I don't want to tell my parents.... WHY not? So your first relationship where you LIVED with the guy didn't work out. IT happens.
But you ARE in your 30's so living on your own SHOULD be a goal. Going straight from parents house to a shared house with a partner makes it hard for everyone.
If you can afford to stay there by yourself then DO so. Learn to be self-sufficient and independent.
Tell your parents you don't know what's up with the relationship, because it doesn't seem like you do. YOU should NOT have to put on a front to your parents.
He moved on with you (from his ex) WAY to fast, I mean he wasn't even LEGALLY single yet. So maybe that is PART of the problem. HE moved from one woman straight to another. Without dealing with the decline and ending of his marriage.
If you two think you have something then WORK on what you have. Start from scratch. If that means FOR him to live by himself and YOU by yourself and then dating a while, then do so. IF that doesn't work for you.... WALK away now.
JUST moving back together without RESOLUTION to the problems will do nothing for either of you or the relationship.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (29 April 2014):
 So often writing out your question leads to your answer. Here is the important quote from your post. " I have no idea if this is going to make us stronger or is it just going to fade away slowly, im afraid. I moved out of my parents house to live with him, I've never lived alone and it feels really scary." This will make you (the couple) stronger if it makes you (the person) stronger. You are afraid of living alone, you are afraid of your mother, you are afraid of losing him. None of these things will harm you, but the fear of them will.
In general you are handling this well. You haven't run home to Mom. You are providing a stable base for him to return to. You understand that he needs time to get over the divorce. Just keep moving forward. I'm of the firm belief that a person needs a period of time living on their own. Paying their own bills and taking care of their own needs. Look at this short separation as that time for you. Then when he comes back, or when, heaven forbid, you find some one else, you will be able to stand as equals.
You can do this hard thing.
FA
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2014): All through reading your question I was wondering why the hell you want to go back into a situation where you were killing each other and bickering when things are so much calmer and better now that you don't.
Then I hit your last paragraph and true reasons came out.
OP you're being completely self-centred about this and not even in a way that's good for you. All you care about is that you don't like living alone and it scares you, and you don't want to move back with your family because you want to save face.
I mean you're completely ignoring the fact that you don't work as a couple while living together and that stuff would all happen again if you did.
OP you need to stop panicking and relax.
Living together again too soon will kill the relationship far faster than being apart and frankly your reasons for wanting him to come back are completely selfish and illogical. It's like you think you'll just automatically be fine this time and the arguments and clashes of personality won't resurface again.
You need to make sure they won't before he comes back, not hope they'll fine just because you're panicking about living alone.
The best chance you have is patience and working on the things that drove him to move out in the first place because unless you can resolve those before you live together again, you're just going to have another situation where you fight all the time and this time he won't come back.
Instead of being a doom monger, realise this is the best possible situation at the moment and instead of putting pressure on yourself and him to live together again you should be using this as an opportunity to work on the issues you have.
OP "most of the time him misunderstanding something" "short tempers"? Not good, really sounds like you don't do well living together. You have a lot of work to do, so it's time to stop moping around feeling sorry for yourself and get real, get to work and start to resolve those differences, because guess what? That may not be possible and you need to know that before you make the commitment to live with each other again because it's very possible you and he just don't work living together at all and that means you have no real future together.
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