A
female
age
36-40,
*ateme
writes:Hi, I would like to ask for some advice. My boyfriend and I have been together for 15 months, he is 39 and I am 27. We don't live together and he stays about an hour away from me, for the last 15 months I have been going to visit him every weekend, I go on saturday morning and return home on sunday evening. During our 15 months together he has only been twice to see me, the first time was on our first date and the second time was to meet my parents. He tells me everyday that he loves me and he has said that he wants to get a place with me and live together, he has also told me that he doesn't know what the future holds and he can't promise me that he won't hurt me. He started making plans for us to move in together, but then I told him that I want to get married if we live together because I have strong values and my family won't agree with it if we live together and are not married, I also told him I would prefer to get married than just live together, he told me that he doesn't want to get married because he is scared, he said maybe in a few years we could think about get married, he also said he wants to do things with me and go places with me first, we never go out together, we always stay in his flat, he has never made an effort to take me out for a meal, not even for a walk down the road. since I told him that I want to get married he has not mentioned anything about getting a place with me, he still tells me he loves me and misses me very much. He also tells me I need to lose weight and he askes me if I should be eating that, I am 5 ft 6 inches and I weigh 60kg, I don't think I am fat, he watches porn and I sometimes wander if he compares me to the women in the porn videos. I've been considering breaking up with him. Please help me! Am I being silly or do I have reason to leave him. Please Please help me, I feel so confused.
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female
reader, cardinal  +, writes (14 May 2014):
 Maybe its just the way you write it, I don't know all the details and how it really is, but it sounds fishy to me. I'll tell you what I do know.
It's perfectly normal to be afraid of marriage and commitment. but he's only come out to see you twice?? he hardly takes you out??? AND he's calling you fat?????
dump his ass. no man is worth your time and amazing beauty if he tells you to lose weight. the right man will accept you for who you are.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (29 April 2014):
 I'm sorry to be blunt and this is going to hurt but yeah it's just about sex for him. STOP going to see him and if you do see him stop having sex and watch how fast he's GONE....
IF after 15 months at 39 he doesn't know what he wants I can ASSURE you that he will NEVER marry you. MOST men I know, will know within 3-6 months that they want to marry a girl. They may not actually do it for a while but they will know.
My husband was 37 when I met him. He said he was NEVER getting married. He said "marriage is stupid" he didn't think it was necessary to get a piece of paper. I was fine with this and yet... here we are married. Because HE wanted to be married. And he knew within 3 months.
My son met a girl in July. He knew by November he was going to marry her and they just got engaged.
I'm sorry OP this guy is wasting your time.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (29 April 2014):
 I think you'd have the best reason of them all to leave him, which is... you aren't happy in this relationship. A relationship is supposed to make you happier, not more worried or miserable, otherwise what's the point ? To have extramarital sex that makes you feel guilty and a betrayer of your morals ?
The reason why he does not want to marry you, I think it is because he can't see you as permanent in his life. He thinks that inevitably, at some point, you'll part ways, and it's obviously cheaper, easier and more convenient to do it when you are not married but just living together.
Of course a lot of married people ends up with splitting up too , because there's no guarantee ever, but at least at the time of their vows, they are in good faith, they BELIEVE that they want to spend all their life with that specific person, and that it will be possible and pleasant.
Your bf does not believe this, and his general attitude says that you are his " it will be fine for the time being " girl . You are transitional to him, even if he is not actively seeking to replace you, he wants to be free in case he chances into something " better ". While, as for you, you'd have made your choice and if he would agree you'd be content to spend the rest of your life with him.
Big difference between you, and IMO it totally warrants leaving him. You want to get married, some day- he does not . You are not for each other. ( Although, like Cerberus says, many people would not accept to get married without a previous , thorough dress rehearsal of life together. But, while I think this may be a prudent, sensible idea, I also think, from how he behaves in general that THIS- your not wanting to live with him without marriage- is not his main problem, his main problem is .. that's he's not that much into you ).
P.S. : about the weight thing : absurd. Your weight is fine, and anyway.... the short male posters are going to hate me, but I HAVE to say it- WHAAT ? You are 5'6, he's shorter than you- if he wants to worry about imperfect bodies, not-model-type bodies, he can start worrying about his own !
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (29 April 2014):
 Do you have a reason to leave? Yes he is not what you want in a boyfriend. He doesn't ask you out. He expects you to do all the traveling. After you do all that traveling he cant so much as buy you a burger.
You are not what he wants in a girlfriend. He thinks a person with as normal BMI is "fat". (I don't trust the BMI scale as it was devised by insurance companies to get the most people possible in the obese category, therefore if you rank normal, there is no reason to even consider weight loss.) He believes in a committed lifestyle with out any legal commitment.
I hate to say it but you have spent 120 hours of travel time and a year of weekends on an incompatible relationship. At least once you should say sorry I'm busy this weekend. That really should let you know where he stands. I don't see any advantage to you in moving in. He has already shown you his best.
FA
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2014): He sounds like a loser: he doesn't go out or take you out anywhere, you always go to see him, he's too old for you, he tells you you're overweight, he watches porn... he can't promise he won't hurt you or what will happen???? wtf??...what are you doing with this guy much less want to marry him for?
Your friends are right, break up with him and move on. You will feel much better with someone else, in your age range, who takes you out and treats you well and who wants to get married not off in the perhaps very distant future.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (29 April 2014):
 You don't seem to do much for you, you stop in weekends after travelling to see him. He doesn't even take you out. So where does he get the 'I want to do so much with you before marriage' from? Do you ever suggest going out?
I get he wants to wait for marriage, to live together first, that's fine. But you want marriage.
He puts you down about your weight - so do you think your overweight? Do you think you need a healthier lifestyle? Well sitting around his place weekends is not a healthy option. For either of you.
So if you want marriage not co-habitating, to go out weekends and have some fun, to be yourself without criticism, to be happy...then honestly he is not the man for you is he?
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A
female
reader, Kateme +, writes (29 April 2014):
Kateme is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for giving me advice. He has never been married. Maybe Im just being weired and clingy, but I also question why he doesnt want to mary me, does he just want me for sex?
Ive told him that it would be nice to go out and do things and Ive asked him if he wants to go to a club with me, he just smiles and says that it would be nice but we never go anywhere. Maybe he doesnt want to be seen with me in public cos I am taller than he is and he feels weired about it, he has said that he wishes I was shorter than him.
My freinds were shoked when I told them he thinks I need to loose weight, they said if I lose any weight I would be anorexic, they think I should leave him.
I do have very strong values, he is my first and I dont feel right about having pre maritual sex.
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female
reader, Atsweet1 +, writes (29 April 2014):
 Well if the.sex.is.feesible.I.see no problems with marriage instead of shacking up. I have children.so.I.rather be sure about marriage and encourage that in them instead of shacking. If hes been married before he is cautious if not he may not be into marrying you. Its okay to get to know each other first find.out if your a cheater or town sex machine find.out what you have to offer and whether or not whatever you have is what he wants or even if he wants to deal with it. I Rushed my first marriage so I want the next to be alot better than before without the headaches and other things. He wants to marry but he wants to be sure your the right one.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2014): Just leave him, OP. The issue here isn't really about marriage at all and him even bringing up living together was stupid too.
You have a whole list of things there that you really don't like about him, your weight, the fact he never leaves the flat etc.
Sounds like it's time to move on.
To directly answer the marriage thing, you and I wouldn't be compatible because there's no way I'd marry someone without knowing if we can actually work while living together.
I've had some really great relationships just fall to pieces from living with them, seeing their face every day and all our clashes in personality become relevant, or we see things we didn't before.
I wouldn't marry someone without knowing whether we work or not as live-in partners. The fact that's a strict condition for you would be a deal-breaker for me. Break ups are bad enough but divorces are a contract with massive legal implications.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (29 April 2014):
It's sounds to me like this has little to do with your values since you're having pre-marital sex, but rather fear of what your family might say.
Unfortunately you guys seem to be at a standstill. You could suggest that you live closer together, but unless you have more time together your relationship will likely never progress. Or at least it'll take forever.
Sounds like a deal breaker to me. If he's unable to even talk about the possibility of marriage without saying "no thanks", and you want marriage sooner than later, then you're both going to have to find someone who's on the same page as you.
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A
male
reader, massage +, writes (29 April 2014):
 You are already having sex with him and staying about 8 nights in a month at his place why wouldn't you just move in? ( I don't see what are the parents against here if you already doing it)
If you want marriage more than this guy then move on.
Why would you allow him comment on your weight?-for somebody that stays indoors the whole weekend I highly doubt that he is fit...you can always ask him to plan going out and dining out...Communication is key!
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