A
female
age
30-35,
*UC1031
writes: I don't even really know how to begin this but, here we go, I am confused about relationships. Mainly about if I am good enough. Everyone always says guys like to look, many of them watch porn, have nude magazines, some like strip clubs. I know that a relationship or marriage is so many things wrapped into one, it isn’t about just sex, it is about a bond between two people in love, an emotional and mental connection, but I am terrified of getting into a relationship. I just feel like I won’t measure up. I constantly see on here or other sites, or even from my friends about how men really want that type of woman they lust after, how much they love porn and the women. Then they get their heart broken. Sometimes I feel like if I were to be with a guy, I will just be his emotional crutch, there for him when he needs to talk or something because he has his websites or magazines for the sex aspect. At that point, I don't know why most men get in a relationship. I know that when people get in relationships, we don’t go blind. I can sit here and say how beautiful Carrie Underwood is or whatever. I know there will always be women prettier than me, skinnier than me, and smarter than me, I know. But, I almost feel like I have to accept that if I get a boyfriend or get married that he will get bored with me and what I look like, so he will turn to porn or strippers; that he won’t want me anymore. I want to be confident, I want to be happy with myself, and be confident enough to be in a relationship, but I don’t know how. Help? Advice? *Please no rude answers, I am not generalizing, just going off of what I know and hear. thank you xo*
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male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (27 September 2012):
 The dirty littl secret about men is they love porn But they also love true love there's a heartfelt relstionship and there's the hardfelt relationship.(note the spelling differences.
A
female
reader, LUC1031 +, writes (24 September 2012):
LUC1031 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you guys so much for answering. What each of you said makes complete sense, I appriciate every answer! Thank you thank you thank you!
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A
male
reader, Replacement  +, writes (21 September 2012):
 It's a minefield out there. You may find many men who feel entitled to porn and strippers and I would not expect these sorts of men to change. Know what you're getting into.
But just so that you don't feel hopeless, for some men, such as myself, porn is not vital to our happiness and fulfillment. I have in the past used porn. I was at a different place in my life then. At this point I am with a woman I cherish more than anything in the world and I have a onetrack mind sexually. I do not bother with porn, because the satisfaction I get with her is so complete. Porn is like chewing gum instead of a meal when you're hungry. Sooner or later you're going to realize that it's not cutting it anymore.
When it comes down to it, in a real relationship, the stereotypes and expectations that we have of the other gender become pretty irrelevant. The individual man that you may fall in love with is not a statistic or a type, he's a human being and you may come to find, happily, that men are not a hive mind. Don't let fears about porn/strippers ruin your chances at a loving relationship. For the average man, both play a very very small role in his sexual interest and development. For many of us it is a phase we go through, and eventually tire of. It is definitely never better than real loving intimate sex. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (21 September 2012):
 You're not in a relationship just to look at your partner! There is so much more to it than that. I can find Brad Pitt hot, but he is not attractive to me in the same way that my long term partner is. Brad Pitt is one dimensional to me, I don't know him, but my partner is there with me, when I'm sick, when I'm sad, when I'm angry. I know him and am attracted to his personality. There is SO MUCH MORE to a relationship and to attraction than appearances. My partner really likes Scarlett Johansen, but I know that he'd pick me over her if she showed up at his door because he fell in love with me as a person and she's a complete stranger. If attractiveness was all there was, Hollywood couples would never break up and ugly people would stay single. That's not how it works. Attraction is more than skin deep and you can't fall in love based on someone's appearance.
That said, if you aren't OK with porn and strip clubs, don't be OK with them and don't pretend to be. My partner does neither and there's no way I could tolerate either of them.
But in terms of every day life, do not feel threatened by random women. He isn't just attracted to you because of the way you looked, he's even more attracted to the way you act. When people grow old together, it's not based on appearances. Those change. There has to be a solid foundation of mutual love of each others' personalities.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2012): Its not uncommon for guys in a relationship to watch porn, and it doesn't mean he's not happy with his girlfriend or he finds porn star girls more attractive either. Porn CAN be like the extra spice to a sex life between a guy and his girlfriend/wife. A guy might watch something on a porn site, get aroused and then take his woman up to bed and give her a right good rogering out of the blue when she least expects it. Some couples do watch porn together too for pretty much the same reason, it CAN spice up the sex life.
I do however find it disrespectful and WRONG for a guy (or girl) to visit strip joints on their own behind their partners back, this indicates there's a problem in the relationship somewhere or with that person themselves, if they have to go out of their way to physically spend money to see other girls (or guys).
For guys who have just come out of a relationship, yes its likely you WILL be just a rebound for them while they have a bruised ego, so steer clear of them when you're looking for something long term and committed.
If you're just looking for a quick bit of action then go ahead.
As for finding another girl/guy attractive while you're in a relationship, well that's just eye candy, and there's no harm in looking as they say, as long as that IS all it is. Its human nature to find members of the opposite sex attractive, but KNOW where the line is drawn.
I think you're worrying too much about what COULD go wrong in a relationship, rather than what could go RIGHT. If you worry about the negative things you will never allow yourself to have fun and experiences in life. Just go with the flow when you get into a relationship and repair the broken bridges IF and WHEN you come to them like everyone else.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (21 September 2012):
 Of course you won't measure up :). But, do you think your future husband , at 45 or 55, will measure up lookswise to all the hot young hunks you can happen to see and compare him with ,at the beach, the gym, the pool , the bar etc ?
As a matter of fact , you'll probably have many more occasions than him to be actually tempted or to stray or to at least indulge in some harmless drooling over hardbodies, than he'll have, and that IRL, without ever having to resort to internet porn or male strip joints. Generally a normal guy of 50 does not have 20 y.o. girls asking him out or making passes at him or tryng to seduce him. While, which is the mature woman who has never been hit on by the randy dance instructor,or bartender or UPS guy , the young neighbour or coworker with a Cougar thing, etc. ? But if you are lucky enough to have a partner you love , you 'll just fleetingly notice " nice abs " or " great body ",you'll forget about it one second later, and you will still keep lusting after your less than perfect partner, with his receding hairline and love handles.
It's not a big deal- because life it's not all about sex and looks and lust. Really, these things are hyped up a lot but actually they play a very minor role in people's everyday life.
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A
male
reader, Wheeler +, writes (21 September 2012):
 You are asking a lot of different questions, which is okay! But I'll try to answer a few of them. (And they are big, important questions, too.)
First, let me make an important distinction between a guy looking at "porn" and a guy going to see or being involved with strippers. It is, in my opinion, not common for guys to regularly go to a stripclub or be involved with strippers. I say regularly because it may be somewhat more common for men to have gone to a stripclub once, or been to a bachelor party that went to a stripclub or had a stripper. I can count less than ten guys I know that have had a stripper at a bachelor party. Very rare. As for going to a strip club, it is something a guy might have done once every few years, if at all. Certainly not something that should be considered a habit of men, or something akin to how guys tend to look at "porn".
As for looking at porn, the subject is something that will always be difficult for women to understand, and perhaps equally as difficult for men to adequately explain or defend. It really has NOTHING to do with the woman in the relationship, inadequacy, or a desire to BE with someone else. Men are attracted to the sight of naked women in general.
This is probably an overly -generalized example, but think about how a woman can read a romance novel and be turned on by the sexual/romantic interaction being described. That doesn't mean the woman reading it wants to BE with the male subject in the book. She wouldn't end her real life relationship because of that feeling. It is an understood difference between real life and fantasy. A man can't find any part of a meaningful relationship by looking at some naked chick in playboy.
There are plenty of men who will love you for exactly who you are. Although it is hardly an answer to your broader question of self-confidence, realizing that you are worth a relationship with a great guy should be a natural result of realizing you have value as a woman just as you are. Understand that there are plenty of men out there that share your exact fear that they are not good enough, or they can't keep a woman happy. That she will get bored with him. You are not alone. Just try to begin being open to finding those men, and avoiding the men who aren't willing to be understanding of your fears and hesitancy.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2012): There are a few different aspects:
1. You're "terrified of getting into a relationship". Perhaps you should look at why it is so terrifying to you. If a relationship fails, it hurts, or if your partner betrays you or lets you down, it hurts. We make ourselves vulnerable, sure. But it doesn't have to be terrifying. Getting hurt is, well, painful, but learning to deal with the pains of life is part of being human, and part of adulthood. Its ok to try, get hurt, bounce back, and try again. Also, relationships that don't work out don't always have to be that painful. Some partings suck but leave us with a sense of gratitude and being happy about the experience.
2. There are lots of men who don't like the idea of porn, strippers, and all of that stuff. Even if you feel that they are in the minority, there is certainly a healthy percentage of men who aren't into it. Just take your time and use your wisdom to date a guy who isn't into that kind of thing.
3. "I just feel like I won't measure up". Don't worry, most of us don't measure up, and its ok not to measure up to that. Who says we have to? The important thing is that your guy is attracted to you and that you are attracted to him, and neither of you has to be stereotypically good looking in order for there to be attraction. Attraction works on a deeper level than that, thankfully, so the good news is there is someone for everyone, generally speaking.
As we get older, men and woman change physically and in every other way. But love and a sense of attraction and connection can still remain, evolve and grow over time. It can transcend our physical limitations. Believe in yourself, then find a good guy and take the time that is required to find out if he is a great guy. Or not that great. If he doesn't match up, or you don't match up to him, its not personal, it happens, let him go, have a cry, and then try again. The relationships end and you move on till you meet someone and it all clicks and you get married, or you try clicking till the day you die it never quite works out, and that's it. But you have to be in the game to have any chance, and I believe its worth taking the chance. Take a deep breath and give it your best shot. And have a shoulder that you can cry on close by because we all need one in our search for the right partner :)
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2012): It is true that a lot of men like to look at this type of woman. They don't love them, though. Only teenage boys and VERY lonely men invest any emotion into them. The regular guy just uses them as a visual aid to speed up the masturbation process. So you can take a deep breath and relax. Something else you should know is you can change their minds. I was able to do this with my husband. He used to like how the women in porn looked, until one day I sat him down and explained to him how much they go through to look the way they do. He thought the fake boobs and heavy eyeliner were it, and I told him there is much more to it. I first showed him a video online of a woman putting in hair extensions. She had medium length, thin hair before. Then all the sudden she had super long, luxurious hair that you typically see on those "perfect" women in porn. And it looked completely real. He admitted to me that if he hadn't just watched her put in the extensions, he would have thought she was really hot because of her long hair. But since he knew it was fake, he didn't find her attractive at all. Then I showed him a few makeup videos, where the women were putting on literally every kind of makeup you can think of. And they still looked "natural" when they were done. He watched as "average" women were transforming themselves into total beauty queens. I watched his face as he watched the videos. His expression was complete shock. To top things off, I had him look up labiaplasty. He was grossed out. He had no idea such a surgery even existed. I told him most of the porn stars have it. Needless to say, I never found porn in the internet history again. When I showed him the reality of those women, the fantasy was destroyed for him.
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