A
female
age
41-50,
*onfused-30
writes:My husband had a one night stand with a "friend" of mine. I am not sure that I can forgive or forget it. I have tried and we have done the counsleing deal, but I have so much anger inside of me, because I feel as if he has brought this into our bedroom. We have 2 children together, who worship our family. When I found out about this I moved out, I was happy in my life and he cried and cried and begged and begged. So after 3 months I came back. But now in my heart I just feel that I have so much anger inside of me everytime I look at him for what he has done to us. Will the hurt ever go away, or should I cut my losses and apply for a divorce and let 10 years of marriage go down the drain? I feel like my emotions are all over the place, can anyone please give me some insight!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2010): Forgive, whether you move on or stay.
Never forget the past. Nor should he do so either, because if you do then you can count on doing it all over again.
If you decide to stay, you must enter counseling and understand the past, and all about what happened.
Don't decide to stay, or move on, without help from professional counseling. You need to do this for the sake of the children.
I've been there, I suspected my wife had an affair but she denied it and ended it, and several years later the story came out because of problems she and I were having that I simply could not explain by any action that I was taking. It hurts for a long time, even if it was a long time ago, but remember that you had less to do with this than you might think.
"Either move on. Or forgive and forget."
A
female
reader, confused-30 +, writes (31 December 2010):
confused-30 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am thankful to all of your responses and I can relate to all of the responses. To be honest, No we did not have the perfect marriage when this happened, but who has the perfect marriage? Secondly, the night it happened I saw the warning signs and chose to ignore them (looking back) because she had her bf with her and considering her reputation and the fact that we were married I never thought nothing like that would happened. Another thing that I left out, (and maybe I should let this go) the following weekend a girls night was planned and she and our friends and I all went out and he allowed this to happen knowing what went on between the two of them. After 2 months I finally received conformation that they had sex, even though I knew in my heart. And I do feel like I was rushed into going back to him because I felt sorry for him, and he did promise to do things different, such as the kids school work would be done before I got home from work so that the only thing I had to do was my school work, our house would be cleaned, and supper would be done and at night while I was doing my on-line college courses he would rub my back until his hand fell off. Just this week I have had to remind him of all of these things because he has not followed through on any of them. I am not the type of person that waits on someone to do something for me, I am very independant and I take care of myself and my kids. But by him not following through on what he said that he would do not even a month ago, just shows me that he is still delivering on empty promises and I think that is also a reason I can't let my anger and hurt go. I know there is no easy fix to this sistuation and that time is of the essence but how long should I live in pain for his mistake?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2010): You would not be throwing away 10 years of marriage, he did that himself by cheating. If you feel that you will be able to make a good go at forgiving him, then its worth a try. But be honest with yourself. A lot of women would say 'zero tolerance' to an affair, others are prepared to try and save what they had if it was good before. So decide what is best for you in the long run. You would not want to waste more years of your life on a marriage that is damaged beyond repair.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2010): Dear OP
The made this bed and he should now lay on it. I don't know why all this people want you to forget that man disrespected you and your marriage. Find the courage to leave. Imagine all the years you will spend being bitter and all the white hairs you will get and wish you left him NOW and started a new life. You would think what if I had the courage then? As for your children goes, he will always be their father and nothing will change. They won't be happy seing mommy hating daddy and you won't be happy trying to cover your feelings EVERY SINGLE DAY.
Talk to him and tell him that "there are things in life that no one can ever forget. You had your change and if you cherished our marriage like I did, you should have known that this was going to happen. It's my turn to choose and I choose not to live in this turmoil any longer. I giveyou your freedom and in exchange I gain mine. Next time, be wiser, Bob. Your behavior showed a lack of respect and a lot of inner issues going on in yourself. Something that I do not want for myself and our kids to go through. Well, life goes on."
And ignore anything else and get a divorce. As for the kids go, he will always be their father and they will never hear you saying anything wrong about him..... Your new bright future awaits you with someone who does know how much you're worth and doesn't have to cheat to find that you're worthy once he looses you!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2010): It all depends I'm only 23 but my son's father cheated on me through out the relationship and we have a 4 yr old we were together since I was 16 he was my first I never cheated on him never but I loved him. See I tought if you love someone you wld never cheat on him no matter how difficult the problem. You can never forgive him It's what you think about all the time. It won't be the same bc than you wont trust him. So after I took him back I decided I couldn't do this. He had hurt me and all the anger inside of me was hurting me.
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female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (31 December 2010):
10 years of marriage will not go down the drain because you divorce him. It has already gone down the drain because of his infidelity.
Don't feel responsible for keeping together a marriage that he broke apart.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (31 December 2010):
Personally, if my girlfriend cheated my with a friend, I'd probably just end it. But then I don't have commitments such as children, so it would be easier.
I think you need to know why the one night stand happened before you can really move forward in either direction. He needs to be honest about why it happened. Maybe the marriage was having problems, maybe there are other issues. Who knows? But before you can start to forgive and move forward, you need to know the basic reason for his cheating. Then you can decide whether he is really worth the bother.
Also, think about what he's done to make up for this. Oh, yes, he cried and begged. But what else? Has he been putting effort it, has he been there for you? Sit down and really look at this guy at work out whether he's a decent husband who made one mistake, or a rubbish husband who's made too many mistakes.
So, get him to be honest an open up, then decide whether he's a worthy guy. If he is, then continue with the counselling for as long as it takes and make it clear that if he EVER cheats again, he will be out. However, if you feel that you don't want to be with him, then end it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2010): Hey there,
I want to tell you something from experience. This happened about 11 years ago. My parents have been there. My dad had an affair and my mom was so angry that she threw him out of the house. My grandmother, who doesn't believe in divorce, tell my mom she should not divorce my dad since they took a vow. So, my mom decided to stay with him, but she made him go through hell. So instead my dad would divorce her rather than she divorcing him. But my dad begged and pleaded and stayed at my mothers side. You may not believe in this, but from my experience God changed their lives. My mom found forgiveness and my parents did not divorce. Not long ago they celebrated their 38th wedding anniversary. I hope this helps.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2010): My husband cheated on me after 12 years of marriage and the hurt, anguish, distrust, grief, sleepless nights, tears, and rage had consumed me for the better part of over 2 years. I simply could not come to terms with the reality that the man who I had shared a bed and life with could have possibly done what he had done. It was as if he shattered who I thought he was and what we meant to one another. It wasn't 'you and me against the world' any longer. My home was no longer sacred and he became my nemesis.I watched him like a hawk. To beat all, he was working out of our home... so the affair and his porn use was happening right under my nose. Phone calls with the married woman he was doing this with... while I'm calling him in for dinner. Ironing shirts and helping him pack for 'business trips' so he could meet her for a lunch hour screw.Yes, I was very bitter.We are now married 15 years. It took me a long time to learn that it wasn't so much the act of it... but how I internalized what it meant. This became the origin of the hurt and fear. I defined what it must have meant, I defined what it meant to me. I took myself and injected it into his choices... It wasn't an easy road, however when I finally came to terms with the fact that it had nothing to do with me... that it was him and him alone who chose this path... and let go of needing to make it about me... then I began to feel better.People will fall into two camps. There are those who will say that the cheater is out looking for something missing in the marriage... that their needs weren't met and they were seeking ways to get their needs met...And, there are those who sit squarely in the camp of utter TRUTH... The truth is that people cheat due to poor character and feelings of entitlement. Did you get that? These are traits. For every cheater there's a spouse or significant other left scratching their heads exclaiming that they too could identify with not having the fantasy love affair that they believed they might have... Not all fun and rosy... However, cheating would not be an option for them despite disappointment in the relationship. When a person cheats they have made the decision to cast aside decency for the sake of a quick fix. It is much easier to win the lottery than it is to earn a million dollars. A cheater wants the million, believes their entitled to the million, and has some strange idea in their head that it is you standing in their way of having it... So, they go and get it.Now, does that mean that the million dollars wasn't available at home? No. It means that in order to unlock the safe and get the million dollars out of it they would have to invest themselves and do the hard work on themselves to figure out why they lost the key to the safe to begin with.Men and women post all over this site complaining about lost magic in relationships. Who lost it anyway? How was it lost? Are we fighting expectations that do not coincide with actual life? Spouses who refuse to have any sexual intimacy with their spouses... I mean zero... and the would be cheater posting a message about how they are entitled to getting laid and that since their spouse isn't giving it up... they should (since they are entitled to get laid in life... sarcasm here) be able to get themselves laid elsewhere.All this without ever truly pointing the finger inward to unlock precisely WHY their spouse wants nothing further to do with them in that department. Because, to point the finger inward means that we have to admit a shortcoming...And the same is true for the person who was cheated on. I came to realize something about myself as a woman and as a wife. I am not perfect but I have a good heart and I try to always honor the life of my husband. I do have parameters of decency. Sexually, there are things I won't do... however I am far from frigid or a prude. I'm sort of old fashioned I suppose.... I don't look it though. However I am. If he acquired a taste for something weird by going outside of the marriage via his porn use (that's a whole other topic) and this 'new' sexuality created through porn could not be lived out with me ... is it that I am deficient, or is it that his value system changed rendering us incompatible? Porn has a nasty way of screwing men up (as well as women) they develop an addiction to over stimulation. In my husband's case the married woman sat on the phone with him basically giving him free phone sex... it was porn come to life.This is the logical and factual explanation. Yet, emotionally processing the affair felt more like being discarded and used. Disrespected... all real, mind you... but I had to differentiate between what I made it mean to me ... "It must mean this or that..." and what it actually was.It was him going through some weird stage (thanks to porn and a mid life crisis) not to mention family of origin issues... Dealing with his own *hit. His own issues with his own life as a man. How he saw himself. What he thought he should be doing or having. One of the most interesting things about the whole thing with my husband and the 'sex chat' married woman... was that he never 'asked' for anything weird sexually or otherwise with me...Never... Why? Because he wanted what he had at home... and didn't want a whore for a wife... but wanted to release all of the sexual weirdness bottled up inside of him and his psyche thanks to porn.Porn is a seed that when it germinates... grows nothing but dissatisfaction and dysfunction. Sex is natural and beautiful. Porn makes it robotic, an act of determination, and absent anything sensual. Watching farm animals would be more interesting.We both know that there are options to the spouse who has been cheated on. Leave and start a new life with someone who has not proven themselves capable of this... and to stay and work it out. From a spiritual standpoint, the minute someone cheats they've basically ended the vow... that backs the marriage. So, the betrayed spouse has every 'right' to leave.I chose to stay... but I didn't arrive at that choice for several years. I sat on the fence with one foot out of the door for a very long time. The choice to stay came recently. Enough time had passed and he kept his nose clean and true to his word. He also learned that having anything at someone else's expense is wrong.Chuck it all or stay...? I believe that no decision should be made while in a state of hurt and fear. Let the clouds clear inside of you and resolve the many ways you may have beaten yourself up (on a very deep level) over his infidelity. Resolve what you have made the affair represent to you... When you are past these feelings you will see what is right for you. This is one of the most painful journeys you will be undertaking in your lifetime. Know that there are many other women who have taken this journey just as you are and that it is possible to heal from it. Let yourself heal from it and then decide.I read an article about divorce and infidelity. It reported that those who did divorce over it (with repentant wayward spouses) regretted doing so years down the pike. That when enough time had passed and they healed from it... they had wished they chose to remain.No need to add regret to your list of burdens. First deal with healing you. Heal and give yourself time to forgive yourself... yes, forgive yourself. You didn't do it and you didn't cause it. It was stupidity on his part. I have shared this journey... the journey you are undertaking. There are blue skies at the end of this storm but it takes a willingness to consider not directing the hurt and anger inward onto yourself. See it for what it is. You are not culpable. This is him. Let him prove who he is and when he does... and you are healed... then decide.XXOO
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2010): I appreciate you have forgiven him, but it's quite hard to forget anyhow. Ask him to love you more, and remember don't hurt him any more in your anger, otherwise you will going to lose his love. And think of your past mistakes, if any, and be open with him, he will change much more than what he is now.
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female
reader, NicoleMarie +, writes (31 December 2010):
 Hi(:Well, if I was in your situation, I would say move on. In my opinion, once a cheater, always a cheater. But that's just my opinion. For me, everytime I looked at him the pain and anger would be there. I would never be able to forgive him no matter how much I loved him.But being that you went back to him, and you've been together for 10 years, and have 2 children, I would say try to make it work if you feel you can. But, if you feel like the anger and hurt will always be there, and you're unable to forget about it, I would say move on. I think if you keep thinking about this one thing there's no way you'll be able to be happy with him.So I would say if you feel you can, give him the chance, but if you know in your heart that this is something you cannot forgive and forget, then move on. There is someone out there that will not cheat on you, and who will make you happy. Good Luck.Hope I helped.:)
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female
reader, bernergirl +, writes (31 December 2010):
 I am so sorry. I have been cheated on from just a boyfriend of five years. In my experience...it never happens just one time. Criminals who get busted for something (its never the first time they have committed a crime, it may have been elevated but never the first time). I think that is a lie. I think what you did is show courage for moving out. I also think you are a good role model for your children to show that it is unacceptable for anyone to disrespect you particularly a spouse. I don't think you should have moved back with out having him get counseling. Its not just the deed itself but I think it would be just as important for him to figure out why he did such a thing. Forgiving and forgetting is not easy, and he needs to understand that it will only happen on your time not his, you are allowed to take as much time as you need to sort things out. I would try to look at it as not flushing 10 years of your life down the drain but look at it as a job and now you are switching companies or going into a new career. Its a chapter that you will learn and grow but its time to explore different goals.I know its difficult. If you do decide to stay together...I would list out your expectations and give yourself a date in which expectations should be met and if they are not then I would cut losses. Either way you are in for a long and challenging road ahead. But I know writing things down helps put things in perspective and your able to see things in front of you, it also allows you to stay on track with your goals and expectations. Good Luck! Keep me posted.
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male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (31 December 2010):
 That depends on what he has said to you and how your marriage was before. Why did he have this one night stand in the first place? Out of curiosity? Out of greed perhaps? You have to talk about it until you are content with the answer, until you are content enough to make a choice. Do you feel anything for him or did you get back together with him out of a sense of duty towards the family? If you choose to divorce, then know that it wasn't you who threw 10 years of marriage down the drain, it was him. But what has he done to make up for it? From all his begging, all the tears shed, what has changed?
I am almost obligated to persuade you to give him another chance, for the sake of your children I suppose and just for the sake of the sanctity of marriage which he has already deeply wounded. If he has any sort of decency or intellect to him, he would expect that you still feel this way about everything. Perhaps you should talk again, he might find this irritating but he has to grow up and face the consequences.
If you are adamant in this, if you truly feel inside that you can never forgive him, get a divorce.
I hope that helps.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2010): My husband had an affair 4 1/2 years ago. It gotten easier and easier but I got to admit I still have days when I think about it. If I see a movie or hear about other people cheating I can't help but to feel pain. Sometime I wish I would have left because it would be easier to get over it without him in my life. Now he is a mu. Different man and I am lucky to have the new improved hubby. Sometimes I look at him and can't even imagine that it was him that cause me so much pain. Cheating if a very. Complicated pain. And if u do deside to stay with him u better give yourself lots of time to heal and do not let him try to rush u. It can take month and even years. But if u can't ever forgive him then u should do him and urself a favor and not live in hurt. Good luck. And im so so sooo sorry for your situation. My heart truly goes out to u.
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female
reader, Crazylover +, writes (31 December 2010):
Either move on. Or forgive and forget. People make mistakes but you should prob forget. It's not fair to him or you. I bet he's sorry and he can't change what he's done. I know it's hard. But everything happens for a reason. Hope this helped
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female
reader, xstar777x  +, writes (31 December 2010):
Hi there,
If this is a one time offense, I say forgive. I think deep inside yourself you already know the answer and u know what youre swaying towards, but in my personal opinion
i think you should try to work through this
1) because u made a vow to love this man for better or worse
2) you have children that love u guys so much
3) he seems really sorry about what hes done.
4) you have been together for 10 YEARS!! Dont throw away a marriage because he slipped up once. Were all entitled to a second chance.
Im not saying you should be a doormat, once bitten twice shy. Only u know the ins and outs of the relationship and at the end of the day no one on this forum can really tell you what to do.
If you forgive, sleep with one eye open till the trust is regained. It will take a lonnnngg time to sort this out, it is now your husbands job to make this right. Isnt it worth trying for? I just think too many people give up these days.
Remember DONT BLAME YOURSELF!! He was the one with the problem, and even if he thought it was about you he should have discussed it with u and worked at a way to meet eachother half way.
All the best
xx
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