A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Ever had your heart broken so badly it hurts physically inside too, like you have had it ripped out without painkillers? I have. My ex destroyed me, my self esteem, my confidence and faith. He led me on for years believing he wanted me, wanted to be with me, loved me and then without warning started to see someone behind my back, didn't even have the decency to tell me to my face, just let me see them out and about together. I am so unhappy, so lonely, I try so hard to stop thinking about him, I think of his bad points to remind myself why I am better off without him. He lives not far from me and I am scared to death every time I go out that I will see him and him and her together and the pain will start again, not that it has gone away.One part of me would love to find someone else, be a soul mate, I have got so much love to give. The other part of me is scared to death I will get hurt and let down again. I have tried dating sites but get no replies! This has made my self esteem even lower, I am not unattractive, I have my own home, a job, a car, I am fun and happy. All my friends are married or have partners I never get invited anywhere as they all seem to want to do stuff with other couples. Will it always be like this for me, will my heart ever mend?
View related questions:
confidence, my ex, self esteem, soulmate Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (18 June 2010):
 All previous answers are excellent and they are right...you need to give yourself as much time as you need. I suffered a bad break up a while back and I really wallowed for quite some time after. It's a terrible feeling and I was verging on becoming depressed. All I can say is that it does get better. Dont rush yourself into any plans, just take each day as it comes.
Friends and relatives can offer you support, just one sympatheic ear is all you need. Cry if you need to but try to focus on yourself.
I got to the point where the grief was consuming me, so I went to my doctor for help. He put me on a low grade anti depressant. It took about a month to kick in but I can tell you, one morning I woke up and I felt great. I still think of him but I am truly happy I am not with him.
I also didn't rush into dating, but now I have a few dates now and then and I am really enjoying my freedom.
Im also in your age range and I am financially independant also...so I am in control of my life...and it feel amazing.
Big hugs to you, I hope you feel better soon xxx
A
female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (18 June 2010):
 Hi. I am so sorry for your pain. I know EXACTLY what you are going through. I'm in the same age group, and it just feels like your whole world has fallen apart. The love of my life abandoned me (at least in my eyes) after 8 years of being together. It wasn't for another woman, the only other woman in his life was his job...but one day he just said "he needed space"..and could I please leave? This coming from a man who I thought I would marry, and was my soul mate. I NEVER seen it coming...
Oh God, you hurt so bad you just want to die. You want to curl up somewhere and just never have to think or feel again. It just hurts that badly. I cried every single day for months and months and months. I think what hurt me the most is that he just went on with his life like nothing happened, and yet I felt like I was dying. It hurt so much to think he was ok, and I was so NOT ok! Maybe you feel that way too? It very normal.
That was almost 18 months ago. Yes, it still hurts terribly, and I know it always will. Some people do bounce back quicker, and are able to move on easier. I'm not one of those. I know deep down inside that I will never fully heal from this pain and hurt and rejection, its like a wound that never fully heals, but you learn to live with it. And each day, the pain is a little less.
You will get better sweetheart, I promise. It may take a very long time, but eventually it will get to the point where you will accept what happened, and you will be able to think about things without the terrible pain and loss that you feel right now.
Be good to yourself, and be easy on yourself. Don't try to date if you really aren't ready. I'm still not ready, and at first I felt really strange about that, people kept telling me to "get out there"...Um..that's just not me. I needed to find myself again. There was no way I was ready to date again. I'm still not..but that's ok. I really am ok with it. You do what feels right for you. Some people cope by jumping right into another relationship. I personally can't do that..but that's me. Others prefer to be alone and reflect--that's me. Neither one is right or wrong, its what YOU can deal with.
Eventually you will get to the point where you might remember the bad things in the relationship more than the good, (thats the place I am at now)...and you'll think "hey, maybe he did me a favor"...
Time really is the best healer..I'm sorry there is no "quick fix". Let yourself grieve, and move at a pace that you feel good about. If you get too depressed and its going on too long, please go talk to someone. But more than likely it just takes time.
If you live close, yes, you may run into him. And oh yes, that is going to hurt! No matter what you do, you can't really prepare too much for that. If it should happen, just be strong, hold your head high, and don't let him see you upset or cry. He isn't worth your tears. Try to tell yourself that this happened for a reason, and he truly did you a favor in the long run. You deserve better!
slowly things will get better, and although you may be cautious, I'm sure you'll want to try again. Perhaps you won't be as trusting or as innocent as before, but is that so bad anyways? And there are still nice men out in the world..I promise. Remember, men get hurt too, and it makes them gunshy. Just go slowly, when you meet a nice guy, slowly you will learn to trust again.
Just hang in there ok? I know it hurts so very much, but sometimes I know we do have to experience pain to truly know what happiness is. That is what I keep telling myself whenever I feel sad. You are not alone by any means.
The aunts are always here to listen and help, and don't be afraid to reach out. If you'd like to talk, you can always PM me, or anyone else.
You will be alright, don't doubt that for a minute. Here's a big *HUG*. Stay strong.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2010): I agree with Lulabell - best bet is to plan a holiday. Something you have wanted for a while - city break? spa and sun? By physically getting away and being in new surroundings you can see the world anew and treat yourself to food prepared by other people with no pressures of day to day routines. I also suggest taking up some form of exercise to let your emotions out - whether that be yoga to create inner calm or boxercise to punch out your hurt into a bag. Getting a massage might also help you release yet feel nurtured. If in a few months the pain is still bad please do see a counselling service. They are there to help and listen. I really hope you find a sense of happiness again and your heart will trust and love another man who deserves devotion. Truly that 'other woman' is welcome to a guy that cheats - because no doubt about it he will cheat on her too given time. Hope this helps.
...............................
A
female
reader, cindy 15 +, writes (18 June 2010):
 im sorry u feel this way you are hurting terribly i also had this pain and to tell you the honest truth that pain will last for as very long time or even in some cases that pain may never go away. but what i would do if i were you is re build your self and recover for waht has just happened to you focus on your self dont be buried in your past and move on and when you are ready in your own time go out again and find someone better.
stay strong
i hope everything works for you!
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2010): First of all, you have all material things of life ( car, job, house etc ) and still so much in pain. This is clear the they do not give happiness. Now, you would have been lot happier if that guy would have faithful to you and cared for you etc.
Easiest solution is that you can try to get away from him to some oen , some relative, - sister, brother , MOM, dad etc. during that time you will regain all t he confidence to start new life.
if you have son, teach him the good morals and values so that he never does the same to any one in next few years.
...............................
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (18 June 2010):
 From a man's point of view(yeah we have our hearts broken too) you will never forget that pain but you will move on in life to find another that you love. Our psychological defenses vote to push pain aside or else just die. We she told me her father wanted her to never(repeat never)see me again I felt that feeling you describe(If you've ever seen Alien0 where that creature prys itself out of the chest of the guy screaming in pain). It was a girl friend of mine that "set me up" with a new love of my life. THEN the pain went away for a long long time. It's still gone but I'll never forget it! Good luck and best wishes for a long and happy life, R.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2010): Yes, I have had my heart broken into pieces too. It hurts very badly, and it is awful because it is inside, where no bandage or cream can help to make it feel better. I am sorry you are going through such a painful time right now.
It is possible to heal though. I had my heart badly broken a few years ago. It was awful, I thought I would never, ever get over him, or recover from the pain. But I did. It took a long time, but it did happen. So it is possible.
I think you are doing the right things, by not dwelling on fond memories, reminding yourself why you are better without him, things like that. You are on the right track. But it does take time, there is unfortunately no quick way to make the pain go away. Please believe me when I say that it can get better. If you are determined to keep pushing forward with your life, keep carrying on, then you will get there.
It seems that you are having little success in the dating field right now. Although that must be unpleasant, and may be making you feel worse about yourself, I can't help but wonder if it is maybe for a reason. From what I have read here, I personally am not sure if you are ready for another relationship yet. You are clearly still in a lot of pain over your ex. You are not "over him" yet. So I don't think that is a good position from which to enter a new relationship. Although it can be tempting to try and fill that hole inside you, and ease that pain, with another person, it usually does not help. It can just make things more messy and difficult, because it will all become too much emotionally.
My advice would be to focus on yourself right now, and don't put pressure on yourself to get out there and start dating again. I think you need time to heal and recover from what has happened. When you are ready, you will know. And you will reach that point. But the process cannot be rushed. So try and take care of yourself first, and do things which make you feel good, things which will help rebuild your confidence and self-esteem.
I hope something here helps. x
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2010): Oh honey - i feel so bad for you... he's a coward and a cheater! How did he react when you told him you found out? Is he now living with this other woman?
I recommend going on a holiday with your female friends - maybe having a fling - it will make you feel better I'm sure of it. As for the most immediate problem - do you want him back after this? Or do you want him to feel bad for what he did to you.
If you want him back - you will have to see if you will ever trust him again and go from there... if however you've gone for the more sane (yet slightly childish) route that you want him to feel bad... I'm sure between us we can think of something suitably harsh - the best thing to do is to make him think that he's lost someone fantastic - join the gym or a club and make yourself a better person - someone he doesn't know but would really want to. I can guarantee if he sees you moving on and being happy without him he will come running to you and then my dear you will have all of the satisfaction in turning him down.
...............................
|
