A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:hi just after a few opinions pls1.how do you tell the difference between a man who is in a relationship genuinely unhappy but confused and cheats. and a man who is using you because he can and cares nothing for you. because i dont believe all cheats are insensitive selfish pigs. are they???? can anyone tell me about relationships that begin this way and are happy. ps not married just in a relationship. sorry if i sound like a insensitive cow i have been on both ends and its crap but its life can good people cheat??? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, raiders  +, writes (18 June 2010):
 I think that a cheater is a cheater and something has to be missing in the relationship because if they were completely happy I don't think they would stray. You could be an honest, loving, nice, generous man but if you cheat you can than add liar, disrespectful, coward, deceiving to your resume.
A
female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (18 June 2010):
 I suppose all cheaters are not dogs, but I've never understood why someone who was truly unhappy would choose to cheat him/herself out of a relationship instead of just ending it. Why is it easier to cheat than to just say "I'm not happy in this relationship and I'm leaving?" I think that would be type of behavior a loving, caring person would engage in rather than the deception that accompanies infidelity.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2010): I agree with Bad Dog to an extent. Given an opportunity, most men will break. But I think it is almost ALWAYS because something is missing in their married life. I know, personally, that if a woman I am with gives me everything and loves me completely, I will not even think about straying. Now, that's not to say my eyes don't follow a sexy ass now and then, but as long as my thoughts go back to banging the one I'm with and not that sexy ass I'm looking at, it's all good. I allow the same ogling and even mild flirting of my partners too. It is human nature to need happiness, validation and excitement. But if the core relationship is completely fulfilling, there should only be one partner...period.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2010): I know you said no married stories, but I'm one of those who was in a very long term relationship (20 years), and became very unhappy and confused nad had an affair. It turned in to the best decision of my life. I am happier, and have found my sould mate in life. I am very regretful about the hurt I caused, but everyone deserves to be happy, and my ex was not happy either. I didn't give her what she wanted and she didnt give me what I wanted.
To answer your question, I think it depends on what the guy says and does in his relationship with you. I have never used women for sex, but I have been with a few women who have had men who just banged them. Those guys were very inattentive to their needs, did not have "bonding moments" with them (massages, foot rubs, talking, etc). Users won't romance you...they'll fuck you, cum, and leave. Sorry to put it bluntly, but it's true. If you feel you're getting the same amount of romance or bonding as you do sex, it's likely he is a good guy who genuinely cares about you.
I never believed cheaters are necessarily "bad" people unless it is a chronic thing and they have no reason to cheat except for a thrill. But it's true that "good marriages don't fail" and "happy people don't cheat". My current GF, who has had several FWB, says she hates guys who say they're happy, but cheat anyway just because they can, love sex, have a big cock and feel they need to dominate the world with it, or whatever. Cheating is done by good, caring, loving people all the time. In my book, it is unrealistic to expect relationships to never have overlap. It's not human nature to always end one thing before beginning another. LIfe is a series of transitions, not abrupt jumps.
...............................
A
male
reader, baddogbj  +, writes (18 June 2010):
 No not all cheaters are the same. Men cheat for all kinds of reasons and in different ways and in different contexts. It certainly isn't always because they are unhappy although that is a convenient myth. It is of course almost always a selfish act, almost by definition.
It is very hard to break patterns and it would be foolish to think that a man who has cheated on someone else with you is going to find that in the future marital fidelity is at the core of his being.
It is said, and I believe it to be true that men don't need a motive to cheat just a sufficiently good opportunity. As someone living in China I get to see a lot of visiting businessmen facing this choice. To be clear these are people who come here for business, respectable men, happily married and devoted fathers, not the kind of broken down middle aged man who goes trawling for sex in Thailand BUT with some alcohol inside them, a little peer pressure, 6000 miles from home, they are being entertained by their business partner and suddenly a beautiful 20 something 100lb cutie is paying them a lot of attention. 9 times out of 10 this scenario ends in sex or at least in a drunk man heading back to his hotel with said cutie in tow. I can put my hand on my heart and swear this to be true that over many years I have only seen 4 or 5 men walk away in such a scenario.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2010): My personal opinion, it doesn't matter whether they're a good person or not, cheating is inexcusable. It's a deal breaker and if you try to rationalize or forgive then you can get trapped in a cycle of self blame, which is pointless.
For me it's safer to just accept that they're scum and move on and find someone who will come and talk to me instead of cheating because of whatever reason they think they had.
Now that only goes for my partners, I have lots of friends that cheated on their partners and it doesn't bother me one bit, they're good people that made a mistake. I even have one friend that's a serial cheater with no remorse and he's a great friend.
It's better as a survival mechanism for me to not give a second chance, because all the people I know who've cheated once, did it again as soon as the same situation arose again.
...............................
A
female
reader, aphexinfinite +, writes (18 June 2010):
 i think if you stray then you are deffo not happy in your relationship or perhap think the grass is greener on the other side. i think its really up to you when it comes to cheating because you can have faith and hope that they wont cheat again and fix your problems. or they think its ok to cheat and continue to do so behind your back. in my personal expeirnce once a cheater always a cheater when it comes to the two who are in the relationship..my friend caught her bf going to cheat on her they argued broke up got back togther and he did the same thing again. my other friend her husband ran off with her other friend and me personally he was hooking up with girls behind my back and kept denying it even when i had the numbers and the phone bill as proof .. i dont doubt some people make terrible mistakes but unless they actually learn from them then nothing will change. i think if someone cheats, leave and get on with a fresh start because even if things are really that bad you wouldnt cheat you should walk away! their is no excuse for cheating and if you make one its because your in denial or not willing to see the truth! hope that helps aphex xx
...............................
|
