A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Curiosity question here. I am currently separated from my husband and seriously considering divorce. Of course at this time in my life I feel like I don't ever want another man in for life for as long as I live. Every experience I've EVER had with men end up the same way. They are so wonderful in the begining and once they become comnfortable in the relationship, they normally end up being big assholes (no offense to those who men who don't apply). I thought that my current husband was my soulmate and I have always told myself that if this relationship didn't work out I don't ever want to go though another relationship experience for as long as I live, and I will live for my children and consume my time with them. What I am wondering(as I have 2 boys)is will it effect them long term if they don't have a constant male role model around? I know it's important for boys to have a male role model growing up and I will not deny them the right to see their father if they chose, but I already know that he is not the type to spend much time with them. Any advice?
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your responses.
A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (30 September 2007):
 Being a woman who grew up in a single parent household with a younger brother, I would like to add my thoughts. How old are the boys? If the boys are in their formative relationship years, 10-15, you need to be aware that they are now processing how to develop and maintain relationships. I don't support staying in an unhealthy relationship but you need to provide them with honest (to a point, see below) answers when they ask "what went wrong." If you are negative and spiteful about your ex, I guarantee you will stun them for life. No matter what you feel about your ex, you NEED TO remain positive and talk about his good qualities...HE IS THEIR FATHER. And you need to coach your ex on doing the same when he talks about you. Nothing hurts the child more than the emotional tug of war between parents.
You said you were swearing off men for the future... This too will tell your boys that "relationships are NOT worth it" and they will likely struggle themselves at their relationship attempts-not just the romantic ones. It will also leave them with a sense of no self worth. Remember, they are little men. They need to be told and coached by you about how wonderful relationships can be. Remember, you do want them to have successful relationships.
I would encourage the boys and their father to have a relationship, if it will not put the boys in harms way. If this is not possible, then like the others have said, have your father, brother, friend, teacher, etc step in. They do need a male influence. And you need to be more positive about the male species. Good luck to you. I wish you and your boys well.
PS, my brother who was 12 when my parents split had a good marriage. He does not know how to be a good male friend and I think his life (he is 45) would have been so much better if he had good male friends. He did not have a good relationship with my father after the divorce-or even before-and he did not have any male influence. Unfortunately, the tom boy big sister (me) was his biggest influence. I was a poor substitute.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2007): I wouldn't advise never having a relationship again. Your boys need a positive male role model. Not giving them one is cheating them. My dad left when I was 4 my broter was 5. My brother could have been everything in life but because of not having anyone he ended up being depressed, drug addict, I could go on & on. He is so smart & everything, he was great in sports, it just turned on him one day. I know for a fact that it was because he had no male to turn to. It is so sad. Please make sure their father is in their lives.
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A
female
reader, samohir  +, writes (30 September 2007):
 Happy single mum, definitaely is much better than witnessing a terrible marriage for children! I will stick to it! Ive grown up in rather unsatisfactory family envirioment, where having two models did not benefir at all to my life.. it did it just opposite and i still have repercussions of that..I still imagine my marige could be disaster filled with constant argument and fight!It affected not just my way in looking things and my attitude towards life but my relationships too. Never feel safe anymore! I prefer seeing my parents now, separately and do not need their model at all!
Im sure you can be a good model for urs boys! i for. ex have had more beneficial and filled relationship with my father, and im female! Happy family does not requre marriage( good marriage can benefit a lot surely) but ur boys can come later to identify themsleves with the models they feel, think are GOOD Ones, and UNahappy marriage would not be surely! Can do more harm than good!
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A
male
reader, Skatanic  +, writes (30 September 2007):
I'm sure you've had enough responses from people who have grown up without a father figure (which alone should be proof enough to show they need a happy mum, when it comes down to it all) and I totally agree. It obviously will effect the boys future, but don't necessarily take that as a bad thing. They can grow to realize how important it is to have love and trust in a relationship, they'll generally won't do whatever their father has done to lose a woman as great as their mother, they'll respect woman and so on.
As with everything, it's not an easy ride and there's negatives to every positive but like what has been said, the most important thing is for them to have a loving, supportive, happy mother.
I hope all is well
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2007): Well I'm a single mum and left my husband eleven years ago when my son was 5. My ex husband has only ever visited twice in all this time, has paid no maintenance and we have had no contact at all with him for nearly a year. Yes it was a struggle in the beginning, but having the support of my family and friends has helped us through. My ex husband was a dreadful drinker and basically had no time for my son, so really if we had stayed together the role model for my son would have been a dysfunctional one.Luckily for my son he spent a lot of time with my father and my brother. He has good friends and enjoys sports etc. Many people have complimented me on the way I have brought him up on my own, but I am always there for him and he knows he can rely on me for anything. So regardless of the negativity society places on single mothers, I am of the opinion if a child is from a happy home he/she is more likely to turn out a well adjusted and emotionally secure individual.
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male
reader, Sandman +, writes (30 September 2007):
 Hmmm, although I don't support divorce, I do have an opinion to your question...
I too, like many men in this country was brought up in a single mother home. And as all these women do, my mother tried her best to meet all my needs - up until a point. My dad REALLY came into my life at age 10 and died at age 17 so I did have a dad for 7 years and our relationship was great. I think that maybe if I didn't have my dad around, I might have done some things differently. I don't know if I would have gone to college to pursue my career. Not sure. But I know it wasn't my dad that pushed me - rather my mom and stepmother. THEY were my biggest influences in my life. I was punished for wrong doing by my mother and stepmother, not my father.
So for ME, it wasn't about their really being a male influence in my life - just a POSITIVE one. A positive male role model could be someone at your church, or a sport coach, or organizations like Big Brother Big Sister. Your local YMCA might have programs for young boys in single mother homes. You can find positive role models in your community but you'll have to look.
FATHERS have their place in kids lives, daddies are the dispendible ones. Any man can be a daddy; it takes a true man to be a father.
Hope this helps.
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A
female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (30 September 2007):
My ex bfs parents split when he was very young, about 8 years old. He lived with his mother and chose not to see his father again. But the thing is, despite not having much contact with his father for the rest of his life, maybe like once a year, and the occasional chat on the phone, you could still see alot of his father in him. Pretty much everythign he despised in his father, was in him...
My ex turned to tv and movie characters for role models, since he didnt have a father to see everyday. And think that happens pretty often too. The thing is though, many characters on tv and stuff are really bad role models...and my ex did learn off the worse.
So thats just an example of what could happen if your sons dont have a positive male in their life to look u to.
Its ok to leave your husband, because if you stay together in a unhappy relationship they will be much worse off...just make sure hey have some other positive male in their life to look up to. For example lots of contact with their grandfathers and uncles.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2007): Im 28, My parents divorced when I was too young to remember and my dad wasnt in the picture since. So to me, I didnt miss out on much. Im very happy with my life and I though I might have turned out different I cant say that it would be better or worse. So depending on the character of the mother, this can be an ok situation in the long run. Happiness is whats important right?
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (30 September 2007):
 Just wanted to add something. I'm sorry to differ with L.O.S.E.R. Older brother isn't necessarily a good role model for younger brother. If you followed this line of action, older brother would need to burn stages and become a man before he actually were one. And, younger brother would be following the model of someone who isn't an adult yet.
And, sorry, I also disagree about girls needing a male figure more than boys. Girls don't need a man to tell them how to deal with a girl who bullies them, for example. Boys do. Boys need to know who to interact in the male world. Sorry, the fury of women notwithstanding, women don't have a clue as to what this takes or means. There are some things a woman can't teach a boy, for the simple reason that a woman is not a male. She sees and understands the world from an entirely different perspective.
I'm not saying that you need to stay with your husband if he's abusive and bad. I'm not saying, either, that staying with him "for the sake of the children" is a good idea. Often, the parent who stays in marriage "because of the children" ends up blaming the children and demanding the children to do something in exchange for the "sacrifice". But, I think that I wouldn't be helping you if I said that your children will not suffer with the divorce. They will. The question is, what is best: that they hurt because their parents have a horrible relationship, or because their father lives somewhere else.
How do I know about this? I was raised by a single mother. I'm trying to focus on your children, who are the weakest people here.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (29 September 2007):
My opinion is that children need both role models, male and female, and, in addition, they need a relationship model: an example of how a couple functions. Of course, sometimes it's best not to have a role model (male or female) if that "model" is a bad one; and certainly some relationships are a much worse example than a single parent.
However, there's a slight point that you may miss here, as you are a woman. A role models can't be reduced to simply being good or bad to the wife or partner. Learning how males (or females) behave in society is also important, and, in my opinion, there are a few things no woman can teach a boy, no matter how judicious she is. Can a woman really teach a boy how to be confident with women?
I'm not saying that the role model here needs to be your children's father. But, there is a need for one.
I sympathize with you and I can't possibly have anything against you, at all, since I don't even know you. I say this because I would like you to be aware that your husband might be a bad role model regarding the treatment he gives to women, but he could be a very good one for a boy in other areas of being male. I'm saying this because you have already ruled him out, and this could be a mistake that will affect your boys, not your husband. He grew up already.
I have known about fathers who were very bad to the wives, but very good to the children in all other respects.
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A
female
reader, L.O.S.E.R.  +, writes (29 September 2007):
 Yap,I also think that happy family with one parent is better than unhappy one with both-in theory I firmly support divorce if things aren't working out.I realize male role model is very important to the kids but I think it's less bad not to have that then to live with both parents who don't respect each other.Of course,be prepared to anything (eg some day they could blame you for the divorce) but I think that if you give your best as a mother there'll be no bigger problems.They'll find someone else to look on (younger brother to older one and he to maybe teacher,coach,grandfather,neighbour etc) and they'll see their biological father sometimes too.Anyway girls need father figure more than boys and other way around.You'll make it without him,I'm sure:)Best luck
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A
female
reader, flower girl +, writes (29 September 2007):
 I totally agree with everything rcn has said to you, it's much better for your boys to just have a happy single mummy, rather then a male figure around that you are not totally happy with just because you feel they need that.
Take care.xx.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (29 September 2007):
 I know how you feel. I have made the same commitment with myself and my kids. All though I'm working very hard at it, and it does get harder (about to pass one year), I still can't say "never" for sure.
Having a male role model is important, but it doesn't have to be someone living in the house. Big Brothers Big Sisters would be somewhere to add a male role model, but not having the (a hole) with you.
Growing up in a home without two influences is OK. They will grow up much better people having a happy single parent household, than they would growing up with arguing, stress, anger. All though I know women are (slightly) different than men, I pray every morning to keep me strong with my commitment of remaining single.
Take care, I wish the best for you and your boys.
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