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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: okay, this isn't actually a specific relationship question, so much as it's just a general question i really need advice about. it's something that is really stressing me a great deal.i am a 28-year-old college grad with great interpersonal relationship skills, and am intelligent and well rounded. i am qualified for quite a few different jobs as far as knowledge, intelligence, people skills, and education are concerned. i look fantastic on paper, and over the phone. i'm extremely professional. my only issue is this: i am noticably gay. i don't look like a man or anything, and i've never been mistakenly called sir. but it's fairly obvious i am not straight. day to day, i dress in t-shirts and jeans or boys cargo shorts. i have short, funky hair like a rock star. i style it and wear make-up and i definitely take care of myself and value my appearance. i don't look like a bum; far from it. but i don't fall into the category of your typical clean-cut business man or business woman. so my issue is will i be taken seriously in a business professional environment or in interviews because of my less-than ultra-femme appearance? i have nice women's business suits and when i wear them, i feel comfortable and look more gender-neutral, which i like. i guess i'm just curious if i will ever be given the opportunities feminine, straight women are given just because they are the norm and the business world is still male dominated. thanks in advance for your replies. i really need the help. i am a very confident person, but for some reason, this issue really makes me uncomfortable. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (8 October 2012):
I doubt being gay will hurt your chances, even if you can "see it". As long as you aren't overly involved with your sexuality in a way it starts interfering with your work, I doubt people would deny you for that reason. In the end it's about whether you have what it takes and if you look professional. Don't worry, just dress the way you have to and don't make a point of letting everyone know you're gay. If you don't make a big deal out of it, no-one else will.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2012): i am the poster of this question. thanks everybody for the comments and answers. there was a lot of great advice. one thing i wanted to comment about was that i've read a lot of posts that keep pointing out the same thing: that i shouldn't wear cargo shorts and a tshirt for the job interview. while that's good advice as a whole, i'm very well aware of that. i mentioned further down in my post that i have some nice suits that are very business professional. i would never dream of wearing shorts and a tshirt to an interview. my point in mentioning the cargo shorts and tshirts was simply to display the way i dress OUTSIDE of the business world. bascially, give you a feel for who i am, in general. i suppose my main concern, which perhaps i didn't express very well, was even in my work attire, i still look gay. and will appearing gay hinder my job opportunity? because despite putting on women's business suits, i look gay. it's the way i carry myself, etc. you can take a straight woman and put her in a business suit and she looks straight and business professional. you take me, and put me in a business suit, and i look nice and business professional, but still gay. so that's ultimately what i'm concerned about. will looking like a lesbian hurt my job chances? because that's something that i cannot change, no matter what i wear.
saraenity, the jobs i'm applying for are in the medical sales field, insurance sales, as well as management. and i'm completely comfortable in my sexuality. i've been out of the closet for ten years. i'm comfortable with who i am, and how i dress OUTSIDE of work. but outside of work and inside are two completely different worlds.
anyway, thank you everybody. it's much appreciated!!
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (3 October 2012):
 It's not about whether you look masculine or feminine gay or straight. it's about whether you look professional or not. Cargo pants and hair gel are not professional, whether you take care of yourself or not. You need to dress business casual. Well cut slacks or a nice skirt, button downs, and a sport coat/blazer are good interview attire. Keep your makeup low key, keep your hair tidy and off your face and professional looking. It's not about whether you look attractive sexually, it's about whether you look attractive as a candidate.
I helped interview some people for a job awhile back and there were two candidates who were equally qualified. One showed up to the interview in jeans and a T shirt, one showed up in a suit. The one in the suit got the job.
I work in science/computers meaning that at work I can wear just about anything (though generally wear business casual when others do), but for an interview I will dress up even if I'm the most formal in the room.
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (3 October 2012):
If you are looking for a job where you are selling to the general public, it could be a problem, esp in this job market. Pharm reps look the way they do for a reason. Just the reality of it.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (3 October 2012):
 But I have never seen any woman in a position of authority dressed up ultrafemme / girlie girl! ( Which, then again, is probably a reverse discrimination, because one can be an excellent bank president, college dean, CEO ,etc.. also wearing leopard prints, 5' inches heels and Svarowski- decorated nails ).
Just ditch the cargo shorts and the funky rockstar hair for job interviews in a corporate environment, they would be looked askance both on males and females.
Your nice business suits - with " real " shoes, not sneakers :)- will be perfectly fine.
You don't need to look like Marylin Monroe to be taken seriously in a business environment, you just need to look clean, sharp and professional.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (3 October 2012):
 You will find a whole spectrum of "appearance-consciousness" in the business world. From the extremes of those (businesses) which have little or no concern about the "gender" appearance that you show... to others which will be uber-sensitive to your appearance.
While it is reasonable to believe that your acceptance for a position is predicated solely upon your qualifications to do some job.... the real truth is that you will be offered jobs based on BOTH your qualifications AND your appearance....
YOU will have to strike the balance of how YOU will address these to inter-related issues....
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2012): You are in a tough job market. There are probably 10 or more applications for every job available.
If you are dressing in cargo shorts with a rock star hairdo, and have a college grade record similar to the guy who plays golf with the local county executive's husband.... who would you hire?
If you are an amazing artist with great website design ideas....
well, you get the idea.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2012): Ultra femme women like Marilyn Monroe? She would never have been taken seriously in a business environment.The successful business women I know have hair ranging from short to long and dress conservatively. Though some in more creative fields may choose different clothing.Expressing sexual preferences through dress is an archaic notion. "I heart lesbians" or "I heart gay men" t-shirts? What does If you are in a creative field, ultra-conservative dress will not help your career prospects.If you are in a traditionally conservative field, dressing like a rock star will not further your career goals.What career are you pursuing?Just for the record, feminine, straight women in the past have had very dismal career prospects. They were confined by societal expectations and corporate policy to very specific jobs based on gender stereotypes.What job do you want?Editor of Cosmopolitan magazine?Creative talent scout for "Out" magazine?Director of engineering at General Electric?You are in the age 26-29 range. Presumably you have had some time to adjust to you sexual preference, concurrent with your education and training?Is there some difficulty beyond unease that we need to know about?
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (3 October 2012):
I think you may be too focused on your sexuality. Stereotypical straight fashionistas and girly-girls may suck up a lot of screen time on TV and be very loud and noticeable in school, but that does not mean they are always like that and that they make up the bulk of the population. Lots of straight women have short hair. Lots of straight women wear suits with pants or a blouse and pants to work. It doesn't make them less feminine. You may not be as masculine as you think.
- Just wear something that's presentable and comfortable.
- And since we're talking stereotypes: wear a good bra (yes my classmate actually thought this was a typical thing for gay women).
- Keep your makeup subtle and neutral (for example some light foundation to cover up the 'trouble spots', eyeshadow and mascara and some lip balm/gloss/subtle lipstick.)
- Keep your hair neutral. Tone down on the gel. If it sticks out too much maybe invest in a small straightening iron to keep it all in place.
- Ask the company for their 'dress code'. If you can come in more casual, don't be afraid to let the real you shine through. Just keep it calm. Jeans instead of cargo pants, and a basic, fitted shirt instead of a loose one with a band print. People don't expect you to be some dolly girl in a skin tight dress and layers of makeup caked on. They expect you to be professional and presentable.
Lastly, keep in mind that the typical ultra-femme business woman does not exist. Let go of the stereotypes and just be who you are. That's good enough.
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A
female
reader, Candid Cally +, writes (3 October 2012):
You may have an advantage by not being ultrafemme.
Women are usually paid less than men who do the same same jobs. This is an unfortunate, but factual statement. By wearing more gender neutral clothing (business suits) and having short hair you should be able to command a higher pay (and get more or better raises) than femme women who perform the same job.
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A
female
reader, shrodingerscat +, writes (3 October 2012):
 You'll actually do better in the employment world as more tomboy/butch than femme.
As a largely patriarchal society, femininity is judged to be more of a "weak" or "lesser" trait, masculine traits are prized to be "better". The only jobs that might possibly be hurt by your more masculine traits would be modeling, nursing, teaching and other "classically feminine/female jobs". If you're going for any job that isn't dominated by women employees, you'll do well.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (3 October 2012):
 "i guess i'm just curious if i will ever be given the opportunities feminine, straight women are given just because they are the norm and the business world is still male dominated. "
I'm heading for a job interview on Thursday and I wouldn't ever show up in a skirt! Even though I love wearing skirts. I think there is a big difference between how you should dress for a job, and how you dress in private. I am probably what you'd call "ultra feminine", I wear pink, I have long hair, I love to wear skirts. But I'm dressing up in black pants and a white shirt with a brown vest for the job interview. And all the hair up in a bun.
I don't want to give the impression that I am some bimbo either you know... I am sure your "non-bimbo" professional work suits are more than appropriate, and will get you further than a pink purse ever would.
If I were you I'd probably tone down on the hair gel and just make a very simple and easy hairstyle that doesn't steal the show or distracts too much. Stand out by your excellent qualifications, and not by how you dress. That's my motto anyway. Personal styles are for private times, not work.
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (3 October 2012):
 If you qualify for the job and you dress the part, then you should be taken seriously. The problem comes in when people don't look, act, and/or dress professionally. Focus on the job, not your sexuality. I don't normally wear dresses to work..sometimes skirts, but rarely. I like pants, jackets, and blouses. That's generally what women wear in the workplace regardless of sexual preference...unless you are lucky and work in a place that dresses down.
I think you are taking yourself a little too seriously. Be professional, dress professionally, and be courteous. If you do these things and the company doesn't want you, it's their loss and you move on to the next one.
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A
male
reader, ChiRaven +, writes (2 October 2012):
 Breaking into the job market at this point, anywhere in the world, is not an easy matter. Just from your brief description I would say take a look at your hair. Does your hairstyle give you a less than professional appearance? You're not applying for a job as a rock star. I urge you to give your overall appearance as objective an appraisal and see where there might be things that do detract from your appearance of professionalism. Then look inside yourself and see how much of this appearance is so closely tied to who you are that it would a betrayal to change it to get a job. Try to find a balance between the two objectives, being yourself and looking totally professional. Find a balance you can live with.
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