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female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: I am gutted that my relationship that I clung onto has turned out to be nothing more than an abusive relationship.Someone warned me at the beginning but I couldn't take it in.It's taken an episode of near strangling for me to face facts.All our plans are now disintegrated.And now I realise that an abusive person has an internal dialogue that doesn't connect to normal life or who you really are.I'm seeking counselling but worried I will back down when he returns on a charm offensive.Will I really only accept the reality when he breaks my arm?It's just too easy to bury it all under the heading of 'arguing' and carry on regardless. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (12 November 2019):
 Why would you even consider TALKING to him ever again? What would be the point?
When you IGNORE red flags (such as someone trustworthy warning you, you risk your life, not just a broken heart.)
It SUCKS to find out that the person you had HOPED would be a good partner turned out to NOT be that. Absolutely get that, but where in the World is your self preservation? Your common sense?
Most narcissists and psychopaths are VERY charming. Take Ted Bundy, he charmed so many women into his car, he charmed EVEN more women into thinking that SUCH a "lovely man" could NOT be a serial killer, he was just too NICE and HANDSOME to do such thing.... He killed AT LEAST 30 women.
I'm NOT saying your ex is a serial killer, but I AM SAYING charm means nothing. It's a way to "disarm" another person. And not always with good intent.
Wake up. And TAKE some responsibility here. There is no "I just can't help myself".. because you can. You can CHOOSE to CUT all contact and be more critical when you pick your next partner.
You are in the 51-59 age group (it says) so you REALLY should know better by now, don't you think?
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (11 November 2019):
 Actually it sounds like it should not be that hard at all to resist his " charms " ! I mean, come on- he almost strangled you ! What do you find charming in strangling people ?? Do you find charming attempted homicide ?... For real ? …
I mean, yes there are many women who get lured back by " charm "
into toxic, dysfunctional relationships, even when they have seen plenty of red flags. General nastiness, insults and name-calling, pushing and shoving, maybe a couple of slaps…. and mind you, I am not saying that ANY of this is acceptable, it's not; and IMO any of these, or similar , behaviours, should be enough to make the woman sing loud and clear : Hit the road Jack and don't you come back no more !".
Yet , we are all human with plenty of weaknesses and vulnerable points ; so loneliness, low self- esteem, a poor sense of boundaries etc. etc. can do a lot of damage and lead people to stupid choices .
But , - attempted strangling ? I mean, come on ! For some reason, he did not finish the job that time. Maybe he was not angry enough, or out-of-control enough or drunk enough - but , I bet, he can do " better " from those points of view. Any time, and with no notice.
Does your life really suck so terribly much that you are wlling to give it away in exchange for a few " charming" platitudes ?
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (11 November 2019):
 Probably, that’s the way a lot of these relationships go down. Some won’t make it out alive because they believe it won’t happen to them.
Don’t you think you can do better than this? Would someone who truly loves you ruin your mental state to the point you need therapy? Would someone who truly loves you lay a finger on you?
If you go back to someone like this then it seems you are beyond help and truly on the road to ruin. Only YOU can decide that enough is enough, you should be well past that point now though. Block all of his contact, why would you even entertain him if you think there’s a chance he could worm his way back in?
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (10 November 2019):
 Will you take him back if he tries to woo and charm you? We can't answer that only you can. Think about this though. The next time you see him he might kill you. Send shivers down your spine? I hope so. Its a very real possibility! How much do you value your life? Let that sink in.
I am in your age bracket. When I was 19 I married a man (same age) because I accidentally got pregnant. We were planning on getting married down the road but things hasted quite abit because of the pregnancy. I knew he was hot headed and had a very quick temper and had seen his anger acted out, breaking windows, beating his hands so hard on things that they bled..and yeah..I married him anyways because I never thought for a minute he would hurt me. I never told my family what I had witnessed. After I had our baby it began. He slapped me on my bottom so hard 3 days after I had our baby that it brought me to my knees. I had alot of stitches inside and the doctor warned him to be careful with me but he didn't care. He thought it was a "love smack" and laughed. It escalated from smack, to slaps across the face...and then 18 months into the picture he broke my arm. And laughed.
I truly think he might have killed me or our daughter if I had stayed. I lost my embarrassment and told my parents and the divorce was very fast. I LEARNED the hard way. I was young and afraid to believe someone who claimed to love me could hurt me so badly.
Darling..you aren't young and you know better...DO NOT GO BACK to him. It could cost you your life.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2019): I've witnessed even among very intelligent, successful-women I know; a mind-boggling connection and bondage to the worst men ever! They leave or stray, and will take them back! They give-up their peace and safety, to return to emotional-slavery and abuse!
Devoted to these monsters with what almost rivals worship. They take verbal-abuse, beatings, tolerate his cheating; and I've heard of situations where they allow abusive-men to hurt or molest their children! Nobody but God Himself deserves this kind of devotion and loyalty. To give it to a mere human (a cruel one at that) is unthinkable!!! Sorry, but I'm tired of the excuses! If you can't love God like that, then you get the devil instead!
I can understand situations where you're trapped, or when women are stalked. A relentless stalker will not stop, and he is usually suffering a psychotic disorder; but returning to him is often what women do with very little urging. I've stop putting myself in the way of harm to protect them. I've stood-up and stood in-between. I won't do it anymore! I don't give a hoot about all that psycho-babble making excuses for it!!! Hating yourself so much you subject yourself to violence means you need more than just therapy. You also need to seek some spiritual-counseling and worship to free yourself! We all got our demons to fight, and can't do it alone. We need divine intervention! Prayer!
I advocate politically when I can, and I will be a good samaritan; but I've given-up on trying to convince women to leave violent, aggressive, and abusive men. Some people only learn the hard-way. I know that there are flimsy laws that barely protect women in domestic-violence situations. Many times they call the police, over and over. They can't get the man out of their house; and they do everything they can to get-away from him. If they finally do, and keep taking him back. I give-up!
I'll pray for you and your safety. I'll pray that the good Lord is merciful and protective in your situation. My heart is sensitive; and I am very protective of children, women, and elderly-people. I feel helpless when it comes to women who go back to men who hurt them. What else can you do for them, but pray?
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (10 November 2019):
 Well, reading your post, I would guess that, once he has broken your arm, you will be saying "Will I really only accept the reality when he fractures my skull?" You seem to think that violence below a certain level is "ok" in some way and that the boundary can keep moving, that it is ok to keep desensitizing yourself to the violence and the pain.
It is NEVER ok.
Sadly I have seen this sort of thinking before in other abused women. I have a colleague whose husband used to beat her up regularly. She put up with it for years because her father had been abusive to her mother, putting her in hospital on a regular basis, so this colleague saw her own abuse as "not too bad" because she didn't get beaten up enough to put her in hospital. Then one beating DID necessitate her going to hospital and, again, she decided "it was only once". It took Social Services to threaten to take her children from her to make her leave the abuser. The three children (ages 10 - 15 when their mother took them away from the violence) are still going through therapy to help them get over the trauma of seeing their mother beaten by their father. And guess who they blame? The mother - for not leaving him sooner.
I realize you are mourning the loss of the future you thought you had with this abusive man but, sweetheart, you need to realize you may not have a future AT ALL if you go back to him. If he tries to get you back, just keep remembering how you felt when he tried to strangle you.
Sadly I suspect this is not the last we have heard of this. PLEASE try to keep yourself safe.
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