A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am 49 year old woman, my husband is 53. He had his prostrate removed 3 years ago and we have still manage to have sex with the aid of a pump. he as looked at porn for years and I told him I think he wants the women on the screen he said he does not. I told him he has me yet he and has still looked at porn even thou it as really hurt me inside and destroyed me. I hate it and told him to stop but he didn't. I told him if he wasn't with me or even had met me he would want a woman to hold and touch, he denies he would because of having his prostrate removed. so why does he still watch it when he has a woman in front of him, or does he want the best of both worlds?my problem is, I feel insecure because of all the porn use and feeling Im not as good. I think the porn use destroyed something we had but he could not stop looking or give it up
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2019): ‘. It's NOT about the women in the porn, it's about the stimulation and quick results.’ it was also stated that it’s the acts not the women themselves that is exciting
This is often used as an argument for why women shouldn’t take porn personally or be offended but how does that explain the fact that men would not likely be half as excited if it were geriatrics performing those actor How does it explain that men most FREQUENTLY chose women much younger than their wives doing NOTHING rather than performing any acts to get EXCITED over ? This I simply doesn’t add up . It’s an insult to women’s intelligence once again . Additionally there’s not a person on this earth who knows for sure that the acts are what’s exciting this man rather than the women themselves except him , and he seems completely closed off to discussing this with his wife or taking her feelings into account . So it seems the person who knows him best here is her and if she’s wrong about why he’s doing it doesn’t really matter because she’s here talking about HER feelings and it is important that like her husband has some before people don’t just ignore them and make excuses for his behaviour as so often happens with the subject of men and porn
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (13 November 2019):
 Porn IS a societal issue. While it may not harm most people, it can create issues for the porn user, and the people around them (like a partner) when it comes to sex.
10% of porn users are as YOUNG as 10. ANYONE that young watching porn will without doubt get a VERY distorted view of sex, because at age ten the concept of healthy sex is not really formed.
Do I think people (grown adults, mind you) who watch it occasionally or for "inspiration" are going to have a distorted view of sex too? Not really. Some might not be good at separating FICTION (porn) from REALITY (sex with a partner).
It CAN become an addiction, like social media is to many. However, with porn, studies show that people go for gradually more aggressive, degrading or simply inappropriate porn over time to get that "buzz".
I think like ANY OTHER addictive "entertainment" moderation is key, and using some self awareness and respect for one's partner. Personally, I don't use porn. But I have no BIG issue with my husband doing so on occasion, because I'm NOT neglected sexually or intimacy wise.
While you probably can't MAKE him stop, maybe consider asking him to be more discreet about his viewing.
OR you can decide if this is a deal-breaker for you.
You feelings are valid, I totally get that. But YOU are the one comparing yourself to the porn. You husband might not be at all. He might choose the porn because it's easy, he doesn't have to ENGAGE or INVEST emotionally by watching porn and jerking off. It's NOT about the women in the porn, it's about the stimulation and quick results.
My advice to you, is to FOCUS on you. Do things that make you happy with YOU. Him watching porn isn't about YOU not being good enough, sexy enough, pretty enough etc. It's about HIM making the CHOICE to be LAZY in his marriage perhaps combined with a porn addiction and perhaps also combined with the fact that he HAS physical limitation to have as active a sex-life as you two used to, due to the prostate issue.
And decide whether it IS a deal-breaker (and thus reason for device) or not. That might be the hardest part to do, but you ALSO have to consider your own mental health here.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2019): People will often blame the woman’s insecurity and say it’s her feelings , implying that it’s her that has the problem . Is that really any different than saying a person who feels horrible because of a cheating spouse is responsible for their feelings . No actually it is the cheating that the spouse has chosen to do that has led their partner to feeling horrible . Just as it is so often the porn use that this man has chosen to do that has led to his wife’s insecurity . People will often ignore the fact that porn use CAN and DOES often lead to insecurity in women. Confident women , strong women . There is research supporting this . Porn shows perfect women predominately . Men it seems can be overweight older or whatever and still get the 19 yr old babe . Sure the porn lovers will protest and say there’s diversity in porn but the vast majority of women are young and highly attractive . Women outside this are considered fetish such as babe or mature ( as if they are some oddity ) Women are bombarded with constant pressure and insecurity is a biproduct . When is the last time sports illustrated did their yearly male swimsuit edition ? When is the last time you saw men seductively looking at you in every second television and internet ad Sure some women don’t care but many do and those women face every right to feel the way they do about the over sexualisation of women and porn. To tell a woman who is feeling insecure over her partners porn use that it’s her problem is not only invalidating and insensitive it’s dishonest
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (11 November 2019):
 You conclude, "my problem is, I feel insecure because of all the porn use and feeling I'm not as good."
You are right. These are your feelings, and it is good that you understand and acknowledge them.
Also you say, "I think the porn use destroyed something we had but he could not stop looking or give it up."
You are right again. The actions of partners have these kind of effects. Addictions of all kinds are especially harmful to marriages.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (10 November 2019):
 What do you want? You cant change your husband's attitude or behaviour so whatever you want is up to you.
You are still relatively young, just over half way through your expected lifespan, do you want to continue the rest of your life as you have been for the past couple of decades or do you want to live a fulfilled life where the most important person is the one who impacts your lifestyle the most. That's you by the way.
Far better to make a choice to be single than to live as you currently are.
Consult a lawyer, find out what the best outcome would be for you, ask your GP to recommend a counsellor, get your head straight and your life uncluttered (divorced). Once you start taking care of yourself the rest of your life can be one lived marching to the beat of your own drum.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2019): [EDIT]: Typo correction
"They're almost perceived as animals."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2019): First-off, don't compare yourself to women in the sex-industry; or the sex-oriented make-believe fantasy-world of porn and fetishism. Ordinary people do not talk like, look like, or behave like that in reality. It's usually raunchy and exaggerated.
You don't find those kind of women running around in public, except on a dark street-corner; or posing in an ad on the internet. They play for pay! So they create a sexually-provocative image to entice and draw-out the lowest most degraded and primal-instincts in people. Their main job is to make people play with themselves! Not much of an impressive or honorable field of employment. I can think of better ways to earn money! How do you allow that to make you feel less of a woman?
You don't often see women that endowed, heavily made-up, foul-mouthed, or sleazy. Men are rarely threatened by the male actors. Their almost perceived as animals. All haunch and penis, and not much for brains. How would you compare to someone with her boobs hanging out, and her butt-cheeks showing below a skirt that fits like a belt? Come-on, you know what those images and videos are for!
If your husband prefers masterbation to sex; maybe it's because he doesn't have to pull-out a pump, and there is no challenge to his manhood. He gets self-gratification without pressure. He's over 40, and his testosterone level is declining on top of that. No excuse, but what kind of woman he wants is likely to be more along the lines of fantasy, aside from yourself. Real sex is a challenge, masturbation is not.
We could write all day long, and you could get a thousand responses about porn. We get at least one of these every single day. Porn is like a drug, too much and you get addicted. If he won't give it up, he's hooked on it. If he's showing less interest in you as his wife and mate; porn may not be your only problem. No one can tell you how to make him stop liking porn, and give it up for you. It's up to you do what you feel is best for yourself, if you think it hurts you bad enough.
I guess it comes down to an ultimatum. Either the porn goes, or you go; or he has to go...if you get the house in the divorce-settlement!
If porn wins, it's not that he prefers the women in porn over you. They're not real. He couldn't handle one if he got one! He's a lousy inconsiderate husband; and you were probably never his real priority in the first-place. Assess how you're treated. If he is never loving towards you; or if he never treats you with tenderness and kindness. If he never really has, or stopped long ago. Porn isn't the only problem.
Insist you get some kind of marital-counseling, or start looking for a divorce attorney. Save the marriage, or dump him. No use in tearing yourself apart.
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A
male
reader, stanliwise  +, writes (9 November 2019):
 what a sad thing to experience in a relationship.
You can control your husband actions, since you've spoken to him and he refused, then you can only let go of him and find someone to appreciate you for who you are.
If not then live with it all your life, there is simply no way of controlling a 53-year old man. I don't think so.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2019): Time and time again people say porn is no big deal and time and time again women are writing all over advice columns saying they are hurt or how relationships are ruined , proving IT IS a problem for many women . Yet so often the male orgasm reigns supreme over any female suffering just as it always has over any form of degradation and abuse throughout history . Women who complain are ignored, shouted down and called prudes , even by other women at times.
You’ve told him repeatedly this hurts you and he has shown you repeatedly shown you his desire to see other naked women is more important than your feelings . No doubt he claims it ‘means nothing’ ‘they mean nothing ‘ yet they mean so much nothing that your feelings mean even less.
Is this a man you want to be with . Perhaps it’s worth asking him why your feelings mean less to him than porn
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2019): It sounds as if he's addicted to porn, which has become common in this day and age of easy access. Just google it and you'll find plenty of company. His problem should be treated the same as any other addiction. He needs some kind of counseling.
Over use of porn can destroy a marriage. It can destroy a loving relationship and the sense of real intimacy. It may be hard to do, but try to talk him into getting counseling of some sort. Good wishes to you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2019): Yep, porn destroys human connection. it teaches men to see women as things. and the bottom line is he knows how much it upsets you but he thinks his desire to watch it is more important than your feelings. culturally women are trained to accept watching porn as just something men do and we're not allowed to have feelings about it. But you get to set the boundaries in your own relationship. the thing is you have to be willing to follow through if those boundaries are violated.
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