A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for forty years to the same woman. She has never given me a blow job in all those years. I have gone down on her for years, but she refuses me when I ask her to do the same on me. When we were first married we had good sex but she refused to give me a blow job. As the years passed by the sex became less and less.She now seems not be interested in any sex. she will not start anything in the bedroom herself. We have had many discussions on this problem, but she refuses to change. I guess I chose the wrong person.
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male
reader, Pepi let pew  +, writes (9 November 2019):
 She's stayed by your side for 40 years.. But she's so bad because she doesn't want to give you a blowjob.. Hang on let me repeat this. SHES BEEN BY YOUR SIDE FOR 40 YEARS. The grass isn't any greener tell your wife you love her because she obviously loves you.. ??
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (8 November 2019):
 And I quote,
"She now seems NOT be interested in ANY sex." emphasis added.
I understand that this occurs in post menopausal women, also Older men, younger people, cheating people, people who aren't in love, People who were never attracted, AND people who have been asked for one too many blow jobs. The reason isn't the question. The effect is the point. He feels that she isn't the woman for him, BECAUSE "She now seems NOT be interested in ANY sex." And that occurs just as often.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (8 November 2019):
 I'm not going to jump all over you, because I can guess that you are a porn watcher. And as both a giver and recipient of oral sex, sometimes it's better than intercourse itself.
You cannot change your wife. What you can do is change your own sense of adventure. Right now you are fixating on ONE sexual act out of 10,000. A few years back, there was a husband who came on here who sounded like you because he was obsessed with wanting to blast semen in his wife's face, and she wasn't for that one bit. She was adventurous and there was plenty of sex in the marriage, but she didn't want it in her hair, or eye infections, or all over her face.
You should look up OTHER sex acts she might be willing to try with you. If she used a fleshlight on you, you might love it, and it is similar in sensation to a BJ. I would get an erotic education book and get ideas for different techniques, and you just might stimulate her interest as well.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (8 November 2019):
 For what it's worth, a doctor I've seen about hormones has said it's unspoken, but very common for men and women (roughly equal percentages of each) to be less interested in sex than is socially expected. Many marriages survive happily long until the couple's deaths, with 20 or so years of minimal to no sex. They enrich the relationship with other things.
Minimal to no sex doesn't mean there's no romance, love or emotional connection left, as has been suggested here. What are you doing to try to keep her interested in you romantically, without expecting sex?
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (8 November 2019):
Having not died from it is a very low bar. In case you didn't notice, love died, emotional connection died, the relationship died, and as soon as the papers are signed the marriage will be declared dead as well.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 November 2019):
 Well, it won't have come as a total surprise, right ?
I mean, she said " no blow jobs " at the very beginning of your marriage ( and , I bet, also before you got married... and you married her anyway ) , she continued saying " no blow jobs " along the years, - and now,after 40 years, when she is , presumably, post menopausal and in her 60s, you are surprised / upset / disappointed that she does not all of a sudden , says "yay, blow jobs hurray ?"
Fellatio is just one sexual act among many possible others. A good marriage is also ( not mainly, but °also° )based on a healthy , active sex life- but surely one can have a healthy , active sex life even taking a couple of things off the sexual menu ! There's life also without blow jobs. So, if blow jobs were of vital importance to you, OP, then yes, lamentably you chose the wrong person. Otherwise, if tey weren't your primary interest and concern in life- maybe you just need to grow up a bit, OP, and act your age. Which also means… learning to roll with the punches and adjusting to the changes which age , biology and circumstances will bring in your life, and which probably explain your wife's sexual inappetence.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2019): That sucks (or rather doesn't). Consider this-recieving it but it being really bad. Thats just as bad if not worse and MANY people are in thay boat. Many couples are with someone whom they love but for whom the chemistry isnt the greatest in bed. If you had chosen a freak in the sheets they might not have been a good ckmpanion or might have cheated or fought. Everything has downsides. I do thi k your wife should be willing to TRY it though. Not giving it one go is a bit extreme.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2019): I beg to differ. Oral is very important for a man. I can imagine OP has kept it bottled up inside for years trying to be a good husband and a good person. But we all have needs. I'm sure it's been difficult. And I applaud OP for keeping it together all these years and not having his needs met outside his marriage. Although I wouldn't blame him. The wife is refusing to perform her wifely duties. Oral is still sex. And instead of trying to find a compromise which might keep him happy, she just flat out refuses. Holds it over him like a loaded weapon. No wonder he is resentful. The resentment builds up over time til it's ready to erupt. And the OP doesn't need judgment. Is there no compromise? Why can't she do it once a week? Once a month? Women hold sex over men's heads too much. Yes, OP you married the wrong woman. There is sexual incompatibility in this relationship. She sounds very selfish to have been shutting you down all these years. There are plenty of women who love giving oral. She has no idea what she's missing. If I were you, I'd stop giving her oral from now on.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (8 November 2019):
A lot of people can’t stomach oral sex - particularly on someone who has a penis. Can you imagine if your wife had a penis - would you still be happy to give her oral sex? Some people enjoy giving it, most solely tolerate it and others just can’t do it.
You giving her oral sex doesn’t mean she owes you it. If you wanted to try anal and she let you, can she then try anal on you? Probably not.
A marriage of 40 years shouldn’t be questioned because there were no blow jobs and sex is dwindling now that you’re around retirement age or older! Most older people lose interest in sex to some degree or just don’t have the energy to do it often. That’s not unusual or unhealthy.
She could have a reduced libido because of menopause, health issue, stress, depression, boredom in the marriage, pressure to perform oral sex when she really doesn’t want to, lack of romance in the marriage, etc. Other than the ones a doctor could help, your attitude could be the cause!
How often do you: Flirt with your wife? Compliment her? Date her? Cuddle her without hoping for sex? Kiss her without hoping for sex? Buy her flowers or similar? Appreciate what she does for you daily/weekly?
Women don’t generally want sex if they don’t feel loved and romanced, even if they have an average libido.
It’s possible she chose the wrong person if a blow job and dwindling retirement sex is making you question the marriage.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (7 November 2019):
There is one proven truth, that endures. A relationship with sex and no marriage will out last a relationship with marriage and no sex.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (7 November 2019):
 OP, are you serious?? I mean really??? You are basing 40 years of marriage on the fact that your wife won't give your a bj and now you think you chose the wrong person? This is really sad that it all comes down to this for you. You poor tortured man (shaking my head at the ridiculousness of it....)
You do understand that to some people oral sex is repulsive? Or do you not get this? It literally will make some women throw up trying to perform this act even if the man doesn't cum. It just isn't something that everyone woman (or man) wants to do! So now your wife is a villan?
I am like Honeypie..my butt is "hands off"...don't care what any man wanted or tried...no one is going in that territory. My husband is respectful he has never asked because we had that little talk a long time ago. We find many other ways to have fun.
40 years is such a long time. What about all the memories you have together? Certainly they aren't all bad are they? What about all the things I'm sure your wife has done for you. I'm assuming cooking, cleaning, take care of you, probably the children she had for you. Does that not mean anything?
I have no idea why she no longer wants sex have you ever tried talking to her about it? It could be her age bless her heart..or any other number of things.
I'm sorry you feel cheated but most of us make sacrifices when we marry and we compromise. We don't get everything unless we are extremely lucky because its rare to find a person who is on the exact same wavelength sexually with another. Its give and take. BTW..you choose to give her oral..she doesn't have to give it back but its sounds like you have been keeping score. Again...sad.
I concur with the others..maybe SHE chose the wrong person.....
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (7 November 2019):
 Flaming hell, are you serious or is this a wind-up? You've decided after 40 years of marriage that you chose the wrong woman because she refused you a blow job?
Unbloodybelievable. Get hold of your head and give it a good shaking.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 November 2019):
 Agrees with WiseOwlE,
You haven't died from not getting a blowjob. YOU knew BEFORE you married her that she wasn't into that.
My husband of 20+ years hasn't gotten anal from me and he NEVER will because I AM not into that. We find other ways for intimacy, not really that hard to do.
There should be no Tit for Tat in the bedroom. Just because SHE doesn't LIKE to perform oral on you doesn't mean you can't do it on her, or NOT do it on her. You get to choose to.
If you have been pestering her for 40 years, maybe that is why sex is off the table now? Maybe it's (more likely) menopause, bored with sex, haven't been fulfilled in years sexually and thus isn't really interested any more.
Unfortunately, (some) women get and upswing in libido in their late 20's - mod 30's and when menopause hits in late 40's early 50's sex becomes painful or just not that interesting any more. I DO believe it happens more to women than men.
If after 40 year of marriage all you complain about is blowjobs, you need to reconsider your priorities.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2019): Yet you've survived that entire 40 years; and you're here to tell us about it! She put-up with you and all your faults, imperfections, and bad-habits! God bless her!
If you've been continuously together for that long, you had to have been at least in your late teens, or 20's at the time of marriage. You're somewhere in your 60's or early 70's; and I don't think you're going to change her now! Not to be mean, but at your age; you're lucky to have enjoyed sex up to now! Many men can't maintain an erection, and blow jobs are the least of their concerns.
If you choose to offer oral-sex, you do not obligate another person to do it in return. Especially, if they do not like doing it! Sex is meant for pleasure, and if you're forcing yourself to do it... then what's the point? Oral-sex is an extra or bonus pleasure...either some people like performing it, and others think it's disgusting! You'll survive with or without it...obviously!
If you feel you're being jipped, you can stop performing oral-sex on her. If she's getting older, and her sex-drive is fading; sorry, but that's how nature and biology goes. You're getting older, and that's the breaks!
Dear sir, we are now living in a era where people together as long as you've been together seem like some sort of fluke or strange anomaly. People either can't find a mate, or can't keep one. Your wife grew-up in a time when she was conditioned to believe there are just some things "good-girls" don't do. Some women find what you want appalling. You don't seem to mind doing oral on her. So, she doesn't mind you doing it, if you like to! The point is, that you like to! I suppose you do, anyway!
Does she demand you to do it, or is it voluntary? I don't know about you; but I enjoy things more when it's given to me of someone's own free-will. It adds meaning to it for me. If they don't enjoy doing it, I'll get over it. It's not like she denies you sex. You only want it because she won't do it. That thing where you don't like the idea when somebody says no, and won't budge! You're married for 40 years and that is your main complaint?
Seriously, dude?!! Seriously?
If you've never liked performing oral on your wife; you've finally come to the point in life you can stop with no complaints from her!
If someone has given up 40 years of their life for you; and probably had your children, stood by you through thick and thin. For all that time! You're foolish to come to the ridiculous notion you've chosen the wrong person.
You'd reach such a conclusion over a stupid blow job???
If her sacrifice of a lifetime to you is trivialized down to meaningless over oral-sex...no sir, I guess she chose the wrong person!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2019): WOW.
So your wife clearly indicated early on that she does not want to give blow jobs. You've been pestering her for 40 years and you feel like this one single sex act is enough of a reason to regret marrying her and then wonder why she's no longer interested in sex anymore. Did you read your own question?
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