A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I’m turning 19 soon, and I’ve never had a boyfriend. I’ve never been kissed. I’ve never been on a date. I’ve never even had a guy express interest. I’ve never even heard rumors that any guys might be interested. I didn’t attend any school dances, including prom, because nobody wanted to go with me. Hell, I was that kid the high school student council had to send a candygram to at Valentines Day because I was the only person to not get one from anybody else. It doesn’t get much more alienating than that. To make matters worse, the one time I was asked out, it was as a cruel joke.I thought this would end once I went to college, but my first semester here is over, and I don’t even have any friends I could talk to about this, let alone a single straight male who will talk to me about ANYTHING. Things have only gotten worse since I came here...I just feel so defective. I WANT to have a meaningful relationship. Is there something wrong with me, that nobody want to have a relationship with me? I may not be pretty, but I’m certainly not ugly, and I’m a little chubby, but I’m not obese. I’m smart, ambitious, friendly, outgoing, confident… I’m everything a lot of guys say they want, but nobody wants me. I’ve had so many people tell me I’m funny, and that I’m cute (never pretty or anything, always cute), and that I’m a great person- but never a straight male. Which makes things worse, because then I feel like they’re humoring me. Is it just bad luck, or do I have some horrible personality flaw that nobody has the balls to point out to me? It’s to the point where I hate going to social functions because I’m the only one who’s consistently and predictably alone. I don’t hang out with my friends because they’re always with their significant others, and I feel like the third (fifth, seventh, whatever) wheel. I guess I’m just wondering if anybody else is or was in this situation. Will it ever end? Because right now, I feel like I’m going to grow old and die alone, and it hurts a lot...And please, don’t say “beauty is in the eye of the beholder” or “be patient” or anything like that. I have been patient. I spent all of my teen years alone while everybody else I knew was dating, and I can’t help but feel I’m missing out on something very important. So please- those kinds of comments hurt way more than they help...
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Libra1963  +, writes (20 December 2009):
 I have picked up on some aspects of yourself that I can relate to. I feel it may be something in your past that has affected your ability to make friends easy as it did me. I had my confidence knocked by my step mother. I found it hard to mingle with big groups of girls. I was a lone a lot at school. Just had one or two friends.
When I was younger I did not have much money but started to experient with clothes and make up and tried doing different things with my hair. I got someone to take photos of me and then realised that I was not that bad after all. My confidence boosted.
This is what you need. If you feel confident in yourself, both males and females will notice you more. I get the impression that you are are causing yourself not to be noticed. Take some of the things I did and try to boost your confidence. Get involved with a part time activity that you enjoy. You will start to make friends through your interest.
When those people sure how I blosson=m from a shy non attractive girl to a confident attractve young women, they were all amazed.
Start now!
Believe in yourself. I am now in my 40's with 3 kids - I have never had a valentine's card! I am sure there are loads of other women outthere who hae experienced the same.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2009): Be yourself, don't try to win people over. Be genuine, honest and don't act so desperate. Love isn't something you can find woman, it comes when it's right. Don't go looking for it or you'll only get irritated and frustrated. Enjoy your single life so that when you do find that significant other you can tell them all about it.
There are individuals who you can never relate with, who are only there for their own reasons. There are others out there who can relate to you...even if it's just a handful.
Life is a journey and no one ever said it was going to be easy. Some take the short cuts, while others face the trials and tribulations, because in the end they know it was worth it. You choose your own path in life. When it is all said and done be happy about the choices you make as they define who you are.
There is someone out there who will see you for you and love you for you because you are you. -chin up- It's not the end of the world.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2009): I don't have any addvice for you except to say that i'm in a simular situation to yourself, only im 25 and male. I won't say i understand but only that i can relate to you. Good luck and hope you find what you are looking for. Take care!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm not trying to be negative! I'm being clinical. When I say very few people talk to me, I mean very few people talk to me. Beats me as to why. The friendliest person I've met here is my roommate, and even fewer people talk to her- she's very religious and it bothers people. Maybe that's why they don't talk to me; guilty by association. I don't know. But it's very frustrating.
Dancing and drinking are only the answer if I like dancing and drinking. I don't. Alcohol repulses me (the smell makes me want to hurl) and I just don't like dancing. I like drunk people even less. So forgive me if I don't take that advice.
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A
female
reader, dazey  +, writes (18 December 2009):
See?! MORE negativity!Honestly girl, snap out of it. It sounds to me as if you are particularly glum about something, and putting a negative spin on your situation. You say you are barely spoken to, and you say you are more or less ignored. So I guess someone is speaking to you. It may not be your dream lover but don't dismiss the contact you do get. Also, if someone outright ignores you then pick them up on it! Cheeky bastards! It's actually really rude to ignore people so don't be afraid to stick up for yourself... you may win admirers for your feistiness. Have you heard of snowballing? There is a more saucy definition, but I'm referring to the art of using one contact to make more contacts and so on. It might sound mercenary but start to view people in terms of the people they know and go from there, no man is an island, right?Also, nerd society, fencing and art club might be stimulating but you need more opportunities than that. music, dancing and partying are the ways that students pull, not sitting about playing warhammer. Think DnB, not DnD. Sorry to be blunt but you are an intelligent woman and I think you can take it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you both for your advice... I know it may not seem like it here, but I am a confident person. For the most part, I'm very independent and social. I'm in a few different organizations here on campus: fencing, Dimensions (nerd club), and art club. I do try and meet new people and better my odds, but it's just not panning out. The straight guys I meet barely talk to me, no matter how friendly I am, and everybody else more or less ignores me. Which is why I feel like I'm not doing it right. I don't want to sound negative or pessimistic or anything, but that's how it goes for me :/ Even in Dimensions, the club filled almost entirely with people who are ecstatic just to find somebody willing to talk to them.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2009): In my opinion, you should look for friends. I think that Is what your lacking. Maybe Im wrong though..
I hope you find what you are looking for, I know you will.
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A
female
reader, curious26 +, writes (18 December 2009):
I didn't have my first boyfriend until I was 20 and I remained a virgin till than as well. Hell I'm 26 and have had only real relationship. Just be patient. Focus on making some good girlfriends. Maybe start a new diet plan? Workout you'll look and feel better. Do things for yourself. Get a new hair do. Everytime I get turned down by I guy I change my hair and makeup and it makes me feel so much better. Hope this helps a little bit.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (18 December 2009):
My advice is to go up to a girl who is fairly nice but you know is a very straight talker and ask her for a favour.
Take her to one side and ask her for her advice on why you miss out on guys.
It could well be something that people think but don't want to offend you by saying.
So ask someone to help you with a make over / re style or what ever you think it might take.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, dazey +, writes (18 December 2009):
You have to get out and about with friends. Go more places, meet more people and stop being a loner.
It can be really difficult when all your friends are coupled up but you have to make the effort and go out wherever possible, even if you have plans try not to turn friends down or mess them about.
Try new things, go places you've never been. You'd be surprised. For example, your post says you're a bit chubby, no big deal, but why not start going swimming? This is an activity you can do on your own without feeling awkward, as well as the health benefits, it will get you out and about and interacting with more people, and that's just a start.
I gather you're a student? What about a part-time job, even a volunteer position? Another opportunity to broaden your horizons.
The main thing is to get out of having the attitude that you are alone, you've not had this, you've not done that, nobody this, nobody that etc. etc. This is all just negativity and negativity tends to multiply. The good news is that so does positivity, so try to adjust your outlook on life and others will enjoy your positive energy.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, LUFC +, writes (18 December 2009):
 Hi, there.
It seems to me like you haven't been 'getting out' there enough. Also if you say your friends are busy without their significant others... get some who are available.
Try to fit in with a different crowd. We've all been there when we feel alone and nobody will want us, but life goes on does it not?
You say your at college... focus on your studies. Do you really want to become distracted if you are as intelligent as you say you are?? BELIEVE ME, you do not want that to happen.
No matter what anybody says, you do not need to depend on abybody in your life, the only person you can count on in the end is yourself.
I hope this response didn't seem harsh but you will have to get out more and socialise with new people...who knows what could happen in the future?
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