A
female
age
41-50,
*anthimback
writes:Hello, here is my issue. It's little complicated but please bear with me because I really need your insight to my problem.Okay here the issue. 6yrs ago I met a guy who was in the military. He told me he loved me and wanted to married me. I was only 19 back then and he was 25. I told him I wasn't ready because my brother, sister, and mom needed me. Mom had some marital issue, sister and brother were too young. He understood but sad. I later found out that he married someone else abit older with a daughter on their way to J apan. I was hurt but learned to moved on. I did.6months later, I met my husband who was also in military and i know this sound stupid but i married him and left my family behind but that time my family seem to doing fine. During my marriage, my husband cheated on me numerous times and from that hurtful feelings I've learned to guard my feelings for teh next person i might encounter. i left my hus. once but came back with my tail down, couldn't do it which that was last year right before i met my now bf.Last year several months when i moved back with my husband, I met my now bf who the same guy i met 6yrs ago. He divorced 2 yrs earlier and transfer back to the states. While we met again he told me still love me and i was always the person wants to be with and so happy we met again but i'm married. Well, I told my husband that if you cheat on me again, i'm out for good. He said understood. Some months later, he still did the same thing so I decide to pack and leave to my now bf.He took me in and we lived together for nearly 7 months. During this 7months he made me really happy but except one thing. I've learned that while seeing me, he also has another gf who lived in another state who also in the military but he broke it off with her to be with me. I excepted that and i was also in the process of divorce. So there is lot of pressure on me and on him as well. Everything okay. But things complicated because I feel like he only say things but never do it. Like talking about our financial plans for the future o r how to manage our bills and stuff everytime he on the boat but he got him, the discussion put on hold.I live with him, sleep with him, like husband and wife. I go shopping, bought groceries and stuff with my own money the money i saved for school tuition and i was draining because he wasn't helping. i feel hurt so i said you know what i don't think this is going to work out between us. if you treat me that way, might as well stay friends. i guess i hurt him. i said no he doesn't want to be friends, so he put me out asap. before i left i told him i changed my mind. i can't leave i love him too much and won't leave now because he is leaving for another 7 months deployment. this i will not being able to see him for along time. he said okay. we got back together then i found out that he called his ex-gf he broke up with the same day i broke up with him. i asked him if he still has feelings for her, he said yes sometimes because he didn't do anything wrong. so we again broke up and i moved for sure because he said he isn't sure about his feeligns for me anymore. he is confused and wants time and space. his reasons were that we fought too much and i spoke strong to him, called him names and never showed any affectionate toward, just now. i know it was my fault but i was testing him to see if he truly sticking around he has said to me. but to this he isn't true to his word. the night before i left he tried to call and i didn't pick up the one due to reasons that if he wants space, he doesn't need to contact me or call me to say hey how are you doing and such. he should be spendign time to think what he wants. now, i'm afraid that he will go back to his ex and forget about me. his ex is younger than me, smarter, pretty and is becoming an officer soon. so in comparision, i'm nothing compare to her. i feel like i'm going to loose him forever. today is his birthday, i texted and said happy birthday and hope he has a good one. so far, i haven't heard anything from him. so i don't know what else to think anymore
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broke up, cheated on me, divorce, got back together, his ex, military, money, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2008): I finally had a gut to call him today to find out he at work until midnight. We talked and I told him how I truly feel on the inside. In the middle of our conversations, I discovered that he wanted me to fight for him. Even though he told me to go, he didn't mean it. What he wanted was for me to tell him, I'm not going, we will work this out. I meant he wants what he gave me while I was going through a divorce. He was there even though I told him I did not love him but still was there by my side. This thought what brought me to pick up the phone and called him. If I can't do little thing like this for him and show him I do care, I feel like it's not fair and I'm technically being unfair
A
female
reader, chloe71z +, writes (15 August 2008):
 Its sounds like to me that he was just using you while hw was in town for a good f**K Buddy, and a room mate. Did he pay any of the bills while you lived together or were you paying for everything. If you payed for everything then he was just living off of you. Girl you are not he same person you where when you first met him and he obviously isnt the same either. YOu need to take this opertunity to move on with your life and find someone who isnt going to use you like an old couch and throw you out when he is done. someone who is going to appreciate the kind of woman that you have become. You are a strong indapendant hardwoking woman and you dont need a man to make you happy. find some new friends meet some new people. You never know one of them could be the new MR.Right. Just remember God Loves you no matter what you have done. It is never to late to go to church and start a new life with God. You Might just find a good man in church.
Take Care and I will pray for you.
God Bless.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2008): Well, it's good that you left your cheating husband, but you boyfriend sounds equally uncaring. If you guys have a fight and all the sudden that causes him to run to an ex, that is not right! He should want to stay with you and work it out.
I think you need to learn how to live on your own without the support of a man. Being able to make it on your own is also a good way to build up self confidence, which it sounds like you need! Good luck with everything, I think you will be ok no matter what happens with your boyfriend.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2008): Neither of these guys are right for you. Your husband cheated on you, and your new guy is not helping with the bills and still thinks of somebody else. Stay on your own for a while and forget about men. You've made some very bad choices, and I'm afraid you could get hurt again.
PS: Testing men by treating them bad is a crazy idea. You need time to be alone by yourself, and discover what you are really like when your not worried and upset over some guy.
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A
female
reader, sweety22  +, writes (14 August 2008):
 well you're doing very well with the situation so far. this man said "still love you and you was always the person wants to be with and so happy you met again" but then why didn't he tell you about the other girl? and calling her the day you break up seems like he is just mooving from gf to gf.
but if you weren't showing him any affection maybe he's confused as to how you feel too, and doesn't know how to act.
you both need to talk to each other openly not testing each other and see what you both want. let him know you just need to know because you don't want to mess around anymore. you just want honesty. then you will see, maybe he has his own issues and you aren't the reason he isn't very helpful with financial plans. maybe its something you can both work on.
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A
female
reader, superrrshawna +, writes (14 August 2008):
 so what i gathered from this is that:
1. your exhusband is garbage and i really don't want you going back to a cheater who can't offer you love!
but more importantly:
2. your exboyfriend needs to figure things out on his own. it sounds like the first time around things were perfect but you were too young and scared to get married and that hurt him. then he got hurt by going through a divorce. he might have wanted a lot of reassurance from you, but you didn't realize it because you were too worried about the other girl to give it to him. you were testing him when he was testing you and usually that doesn't work well. it only creates friction.
you shouldn't have been providing for the both of you on only just your money, so you were justified in your anger. but he has been burned 2x before, and by saying you wanted to be just friends, you hurt him and confused him even more! hence the phone call to the other girl.
what i think you need to do is let him go free for a little bit. if he loves you, he will make an effort... like that phone call you ignored. he hasn't answered to your birthday wishes, try again once more... i suggest you stay in contact, have a little faith, and see where the relationship goes. it might take time to rebuild, but if the two of you love each other like i think you do, things will work out with time.
good luck!
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