A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I am from an abusive family and at the age of 16 I ran away from home. I am ashamed to admit this but I turned to prostitution. I did this for a few months. It is a dark depressing period in my life. I eventually moved in with a friend from school and her family who are my second family. I am older now and despite my past I have never had a boyfriend. I have had a lot of sex but I have never been kissed. I want to know if there is a man out there that could love someone with a past like mine and love me for who I am. Is there any hope for me ever finding a man to love and accept me?
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male
reader, Katung44  +, writes (19 July 2017):
Anyone who is looking for a stainless angel is a miserable fool. We all have checkered past lives. The past should remain past and anyone judging you for it is a hypocrite. What you need is a man who accepts your virtues as well as your vices. Men make the mistake of searching for angels on earth when angels reside in heaven. Any man who accepts your past (if you're completely honest with him about it) is the man for you. Personally, I don't want women who are too squiggly clean. Many men make that mistake and set themselves on a path to a cheating relationship
A
male
reader, DorianGray  +, writes (6 December 2010):
This should not be any dilemma for you. This should not torture you. My wife is an ex-prostitute. She had no parents, practically, and she was 16-year old when she left home and used to practise prostitution now and then.
But there is love - although this very rarely happen - and the one that cannot live without you will not pay any attention to your past. This could torture only you in your thoughts. It is said, that we must forgive, in order to love. The ones that do not forgive are the ones that cannot feel real love. It just happens and there is no escape from it for the real people. The people that listen to their heart and mind... and can forgive, do not long for material things too strongly.
By the way, at the beginnig it was very hard for me to accept this fact... But I could not live without my wife. Sorry for being so sincere.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2010): Your Past is your own and a real person man or woman needs to realize that whats important is how you treat them and how you make them feel
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2010): Without a doubt , you will certainly find a man who loves you and accpepts you for who you are, not where you have been. All people have a dark patch in their lives.
I would how ever, caution you on `how` you bring up this topic. It needs to be dealt with in a very sensitive manner. Best not to wait too long in a relationship, you do not want to hurt yourself or others.
Simply bring it up as a mistake made by a young girl, something you are not proud of , ad leave it at that.
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A
male
reader, 1Corinthians13 +, writes (31 May 2010):
Dear wonderful, free, young woman: First, you're not alone, and there are many thousands of women who've been witness to that wretched side of humanity, yet escaped to live in peace. You're NOT damaged goods, you're NOT "unworthy" of happiness, or enduring love, or true intimacy, or a life of joy. You ARE a victorious survivor of abuse and objectification, however that (temporary) tragedy came about...and who you are is NOT about where you start, but where you finish. The new future begins today, if you want it to, and you seem to.
Most certainly, you'll meet someone who'll love you for who you are today, despite what's happened. The test you face is being patient enough, and having faith enough, to believe you don't need to "settle for" someone in the short term whom you think is just "good enough" for you as you see yourself now. Being "ashamed" is NOT, as many would express, a bad thing. It's a signal that your inate sensibility for safety lives on despite the abuse and fear. There is a concept known as "good shame", which is the fuel our conscience uses to drive us...motivate us...to change for the better, the safer, to seek a more peaceful environment. Your past, and the decision you made to move on from it before you let it defined you for life, was likely driven by that sense of conscience. That same concience can set your standards for a future spouse that will potentially be someone ALSO of strong conscience and morality, yet also caring, compassionate, loving, and enormously protective of your heart and virtue. He will not hold your truth against you, and will celebrate your honesty, and cherish your faith in his ability to handle it. And while revealing the general nature of what has happened may seem to hurt, and may cause lesser people to "reject you", in the final analysis those are the people that deserve being avoided as partners. By their judgement and rejection, they telegraph the truth of their debased character: their lack of compassion, and acceptance of the same twisted devaluation as those that earlier objectified you as nothing more than a commodity. They are one in the same with those that openly abused you, in the final analysis.
The most I can contribute is to "consider yourself" as you want others to consider you, and BELIEVE you CAN BE who you want to be in the future. Throw off that old person, the person you think you are, or were. If that takes changing who you live with, who you hang out with, where you go and how, then those are small prices to pay for a new life and better future.
This is not just blather, but comes from my experience as someone who met and befriended a woman who earlier in her life followed the same path you followed, at the same age, for the same reasons, and for roughly the same duration. But afterward, still thinking herself "not good enough" relationally at anything other than emotionless physicality, she spent too many years allowing herself to think, as YOU fear, that she was too damaged for someONE to love. And thus her second tragedy began...committing to a life of seeking nobody unique for a true relationship, but "many" physically...and all either already married, unavailable, uncommitted, unnamed one night stands, or unwilling to gift her their heart or committment while repeately taking, taking, taking all she was willing to give out of her sense of insecurity. For 25 long years that went on...through several near suicides, dozens of moves around two countries, several abortions, and a steady loss of hope for anything better, ever.
When we met as business associates 5 years ago, it was not long before she began to "seek" me, someone at the time very unavailable. But instead of taking advantage of that, and thinking very highly of her professionally, and being someone who tends to call 'em like I see 'em, I challanged her advances. That was something she had never experienced (she's very beautiful, and being told "no" was not something she was used to), and led to a slow building of trust, which eventually led to her story coming out in full. It was, however, delivered more as a warning, a shock to test my sensibilities, than as any type of "confession" or expression of regret at the time. I was being put on the spot to take or leave her as a friend just as she was. But the "who" she was defending herself as being was SO MUCH LESS than who she clearly was, or could be, that I found myself responding with my own type of challenge. I dared her to assess her own state of contentment with life, and prove to me that her talk of "loving her lifestyle" was REALLY true...really "where she wanted to be" versus where she only thought she "deserved to be" given her past. After months of deep, often lively talks long into many nights, she admitted that while she'd spent her life thinking she didn't believe in monogamy, and thought she'd never want or find anyone for a long term relationship, the type of marital relationship model I'd presented as MY desired standard was a whole new concept to her, being based a joint sharing of love, respect and responsiblity for each others' wellbeing. But as she had never thought anyone would accept her into that type of loving relationship given her past, she had settled for a decades-long string of encounters with others that would never be able to offer it. So her model was:
"No chance of a relationship = no attempt = no chance to fail = no sense of being 'not good enough'"
To retwist a phrase, "Nothing ventured, nothing lost."
But for her, and ultimately for us, a turning point came when I stood with her as we looked in a full length mirror on her wall, and I challenged her to see herself as I saw her...and I began listing "who I saw" in contrast to who SHE saw (i.e., she only saw someone "not good enough" for monogamy or marriage to anyone). Below was/is my list I recited (paraphrased from memory, more or less):
"You're intelligent, kind, attractive, witty, humble, bright, compassionate, honest, caring, well spoken, ambitious without being obsessed, a great gardener, wonderful with animals, youthful, accountable, humorous, thrifty without being stingy, resourceful, trustworthy, and by far "good enough" not to waste all those virtues on those that only see you for what they can take from you. You're a wondeful person, and I'm proud to call you my friend."
And whenever she'd fall prey to doubt, I'd reiterate the list...verbally, by email, voicemail, etc. She was, and is still, all those things and more.
That was the beginning of our being "radically honest friends and champions" for each other, as I too was at the end of a very long and bitter relationship that left me realizing I'd spent too many years fruitlessly trying to be "good enough" without ever succeding in my then-partner's estimation. That honesty led to a deeper friendship, and that friendship led to love when it finally took root and grew. Today, she's still my friend and champion, and, "Thank you, God", my wonderful fiance', my Sweet One. And while many will likely scoff at it, we've remained celibate (3 years now)in preparation for marriage as a gift of honor to each other, as a way to stand above all the others that came before, wishing to bring to each other what's never been shared by either of us...full, true intimacy with another person. Despite her and my own past, she's my virgin bride-to-be, and I'm her virgin husband-to-be, looking forward to many "first times", "new discoveries", "fresh encounters" of all sorts, where and how they truly count: in the sharing of two lives brought together as one in ALL regards...spiritual, emotional, and physical...in the presence, and under the authority, of the God we worship.
Has this all been simple or easy? Heck, no. Not at all. Not in the least. It's been both sublime and excruciating in it's extremes. In the beginning, while we were becoming friends and were discussing things from both our pasts, too much detail of what happened to her was put on the table. As we later drew closer, those admissions remain haunting, and there are many, many posts, threads and blogs by folks emotionally tortured by their spouse's or partner's sexual past. I can categorically state that dealing with that has been the hardest thing in my life...NOT so much in the sense that I don't trust her, or that I think less of who she is now. That's been mitigated by taking an approach based on love and compassion, and knowing how she and others like her, and like you, were raised (and abused in childhood) made that outcome almost inevitable. The results of that research are conclusive. Instead, my challenge is my visceral rage not only toward those that took advantage of her vulnerability before and during her time as a teen prostitute, but even more so at those that showed up later in her life, and wasted so much of her time, beat down her kindly innocence, and risked her future through their rape, abuse, exploitation, and constant duping of her into what amounted to "practical prostitution" under the guise of employing her at some "normal" job while largely looking to take advantage of her promiscuity. And that has been my challenge, one that she has become my guide in seeking to overcome: in short, the hard task of forgiving those that have hurt her, and moving on without the bitterness of knowing how badly someone I love has been exploited. It's easy to forgive her for what she's "done", as she was the victim of others' brainwashing and misinformation in all regards. It's not so easy to handle the triggers that remind me of those that created that environment, and kept her believing it was all she was good for. But with the help of a good therapist, and focusing on the truth of the Christian message of redemption and forgiveness, we continue to grow and overcome the pain and find the good that has come out of so much evil.
One aside here: From the beginning, our conversations often revolved around "standards for living" in terms of how we had made decisions that brought us to where we were. These were the first deep discussion we had. Her standards were based solely on "Life Experience", borne of being raised in a family void of any gods other than money, open sex, the requirement to pose nude and explore their and others' (including childrens') bodies with family and friends to express their openess, and a cult-like requirement of devotion to her father that included lectures on how she and her sisters were his genetic legacy to the future and that they should seek to select genetically perfect specimens of men with which to breed (and as Dave Barry would write, "I'm not making this up..."). Of course, HER concience led her to rebel to this, and like you, she fled the "cult", but the years of brainwashing lead to a lifestyle that basically encouraged her to try everything with everyone without much in the way of planning for the consequences, as consequences were just "learning opportunities". And if a course of action caused some type of hurt, she just quit doing that, and tried something else without much regard for the next set of consequences. My metaphor in that regard is "Let's step out in front of the speeding bus and see what happens...if we survive, it'll be something we can say we've tried, but if it hurts, we won't do it again." Of course, nobody had ever told her, or provided her with any guidebook, that said stepping out in front of a speeding bus will kill you. All through her youth, she had no moral, ethical or practical "guidelines" to follow or study to inform her of what may happen in any circumstance. "Just do it and see what happens" was the motto, and she was told if someone says it's bad for you, they're just trying to keep you from learning. There's an old story about a woman and a snake that has a startlingly similar theme, but I digress...
Anyway, in stark contrast, my life was one of having been raised and living as a Christian of various persuasions my whole life, and generally accepting scriptural standards as the foundation for living. Using those as basic operational guidelines, I've wandered through life at least thinking I could see obvious dangers ahead, albeit failing to avoid many of them given my own human weaknesses. I'm NOT some self-righteous saint...I've done plenty of things I knew were wrong, but was able to rationalize (wrongfully) at the time(s). That is, "knowing what to do is one thing, doing it is entirely another." But by and large, I had SOME guidelines and standards to follow that had survived the tests of time and civilzation as we know it, and offered those to her as a potential starting point for, shall we say, "learning about busses BEFORE you step out in front of one". And in contrast, she explained many life experiences that flew in the face of my own prejudices and misperceptions of people, places and circumstances that I had been far too quick to judge in my own limited experience.
But anyway, together over time we've melded our collective experiences and standards together in harmony (btw, never have I said "you're right..." more to anyone in my life), she's decided to accept Jesus as her Savior (hang in there, now..let's don't all freak out simply on a name and theology), and I've come to discover a much deeper understanding of true "Christ-like-ness" through her still-simple innocence and selflessness. She has taught me more about the outward practicing of my (now our) own faith than any preacher, priest or study guide could ever have done. She's the living embodiment of "turning the other cheek" and "judge not that you may not be judged", and I marvel at how so wonderful a person has emerged from so terrible a chain of life events.
Anyway, dear woman, I present to you the same challenge as I did to my Sweet One...to look yourself in the mirror, perhaps alone, or perhaps with a trusted friend, and have the courage and faith to see who you REALLY are...a wonderful, living embodyment of victory over terrible hardship! And focus on who you can be...stare at that mirror until you see that fresh and hopeful person that can throw off the fear of rejection, reprisal or rebuke by those that have no business setting your attitude or course in life. God sees you as a perfect creation, and loves you for who you are, as you are. You're not perfect...you never can be. And nobody else can be either. Nobody has any standing to judge who you were or, more importantly, who you will be. And while it's not my place to push or pull you into any discussion on Christianity, theology or any spirituality for that matter, relating my experience would not have been honest were I not to have brought that theme out, as it's been (forgive the pun), fundamental to the process. I pray (really, like in "pray for you" pray) that you will find peace, and hope, and will continue to grow in strength and courage to face the future without flinching. When the right person is placed in your life, you'll know it. And if there's any doubt, simply ask him "What's your standard? What guidelines are your life, relationships, treatment of others, and future vision based on?" In the absence of a solid answer, I'll suggest his standards are similarly soft...and you, having had the strength to rise above and overcome your circumstances, deserve much, much better than that. God bless you and keep you safe and well, and may your life be filled with happiness, joy and peace.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2010): Yes, a man will love you and more importantly Jesus loves you. Your past does'nt define your future.
Love Candy
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2010): Your past is just that, the past. It is something you did that you'd rather forget. But it is part of who you were. All we can do is learn from the things we've done, whether we consider them positive or negative.Will you find a man who loves you? There are men out there who may well discover you are an unbelievable woman because.....you are. It's up to what you choose. Most men will feel put off hearing about "your past." So it's really up to you if you feel you need to share this with them. I believe in honesty in a relationship. But I think some things......a person should keep to themselves. But again, that's your decision. Finally, from reading your question, something jumped out at me immediately. You are still conflicted and ashamed at what you did. As the old saying goes, you have to learn to love yourself before anyone else can love you.all the best
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A
male
reader, bruce lee +, writes (22 April 2010):
 Well, this is a good question. I am just guessing here but I think most decent guys would understand. As an adult, I can say that we don't live in the perfect world.
We live in a terrible world. But there are good guys out there who will understand. You should read up on some of my history with sexual experiences. A lot of us have a dark secret. The trick is to only talk about it with people you trust.
But there's only one problem that you can't hide from. If you have an STD as a result of being a prostitute, that could make things more complicated. That is something that might scare some guys off.
If you don't have an STD, that will make things much easier for you and him.
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A
male
reader, Starmonster888  +, writes (21 April 2010):
 Yeh, I don't think "I used to be a prostitute" will ever need to come up in a conversation. Will any man love an ashamed ex-prostitute? That's debatable, but that's not what you are. You're a young woman who went through tough times and got her s**t together. Any man you can't respect that isn't a man. Let the past be the past
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2010): I didn't do it for fun. I did it to survive. I want someone who loves me for me and if I can't tell them about myself they can't ever really know me. I can't lie. I just want a nice guy who loves me and can accept me.
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female
reader, raiders +, writes (21 April 2010):
 Real Man do exist. This type of man will not judge you because he loves you. Will not care about your sexual past, Will see and understand that your previous employment was temporary and only for means of survival. Will love you, respect you, and admiral you. Don't settle for less you do deserve love and a good man and should not tolerate a looser, an abuser, an excuse of man just because you feel you don't deserve any better. Move forward forgive yourself for your past and who knows you might meet your very own Richard Gere like in Pretty Women.
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female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (21 April 2010):
 Your past is exactly that: PAST. Your few months of prostitution will undoubtedly have left you with some bad experiences and memories, but if you didn't "do" prostitution to feed a drug habit (as I understand many do) and are in good health, it has gone from your life now.
Hold your head high! I'm sure there will be someone out there who will want to value and love you for who you are now. Yes, there will be those who will be put off, but they are best left in the dust - not to condemn them, but that may be part of who THEY are, that they just can't accept you.
It's a good idea to take it slow and easy in getting acquainted with a new man. If he asks you about your life when you were growing up, you could begin by saying things were difficult, and let him ask questions, and gradually ease into letting him know. That way it won't come as a shock to him (as it would be if you suddenly revealed it - even though for you it MIGHT possibly be tempting so as to get it over with, and see if he still accepts you!)
Again, consider his level of maturity and openness once the two of you have gotten to know one another more......
All the best!
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A
male
reader, bharat mehta  +, writes (21 April 2010):
 As long as you acknowledged yourself as 'female', and not trader of sex...you are lovable. The moment you acknowledged your self as 'female', seeking love-sex-affection...think your past is dead. Never bring it into memory. Create your own relatives, and forget all that inspire for prostitution....is the solutions of your problem.
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A
male
reader, Flyguymyeye +, writes (21 April 2010):
Ignoring all the political correctness, I think the vast majority of decent guys would be put off.I would keep this to yourself and not tell a soul as it can only ruin things. It's the past, don't even let it potentially ruin the future.Honesty is not always the best policy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2010): I think your past would shock any guy, but having said that, when you are falling in love with someone, you can get over things like this. If there was any advice I could offer, I would say be mindful of the maturity of any potential boyfriends. Whilst some guys out there will love you, and respect you, others may find it hard, or impossible to ever come to terms with. If you do find that a guy is taking it hard, be patient with him, give him space to sort out what he's heard and hopefully if he loves you he will come back to you. I am sure you will find mr right, but in the meantime do everything you can to work on yourself. By the time you meet someone you want everything else in your life to be going really well. All the best. PS kissing each other when you're in love is the best feeling ever, you have something really great to look forwards to. :)
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (21 April 2010):
There will be a man who accepts you just as you are. You never need to tell them about your past if you don't want to. All you need to do is say it was difficult. If you do tell them, reassure them you have moved on from that period of your life. But there will be a guy who will love you and accept you as you are.
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