A
female
age
41-50,
*ntheedge303
writes:To give you the background, my fiance and I have been together for nearly three years (engaged for one of those). We were close friends for about a year before we started dating.We moved in together just before getting engaged but have not made any wedding plans.My problem is that for several months now, I seem to have lost my feelings for him.He is a lovely, affectionate and caring person; I still feel affection and gratitude towards him for all we have been through (he gave me a lot of emotional support when I was going through a rough time shortly after we started dating), but when I look at other engaged and newly-married couples, they seem to feel so much more than this.I don't feel joy or excitement when I am with him. Our sex life was never what I would call passionate, but now we are only intimate a couple of times a month and it is beginning to feel awkward and inappropriate.He says that he truly loves me, but has not made any mention of putting money aside to get married, though he will happily spend a lot on new gadgets for the computer, so I feel that I come very low on his list of priorities.Also, if I moved back home temporarily, I would be able to pursue a degree course (I cannot afford to now as I don't qualify for financial assistance while I am living with a partner, even though we are both on low incomes and cannot afford tuition)Now, I understand that all relationships settle down after an initial "infatuation phase" - I'm not a silly teenager comparing her life to the movies. I have done a lot of self-help reading online and have remained fully committed to the relationship while I have been attempting to figure this out. No one else is involved, these doubts seem to be coming entirely from me.Please help me. Do affection, gratitude and shared experiences add up to love, or do we both deserve more than this?
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female
reader, raiders  +, writes (21 April 2010):
 If you have the chance to continue your education than maybe you should go that route. Both of you should get financially stable, date and see if the relationship can survive.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (21 April 2010):
 I guess you could have a sort of trial period and keep just dating and see what happens. But don't keep it too long- eventually you will have to make up your mind,- so make sure that the trial period does not become an excuse for living in a limbo and postponing indefinitely your final decision.
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A
female
reader, ontheedge303 +, writes (21 April 2010):
ontheedge303 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for such a thoughtful answer.
I admit, it pretty much confirms what I've been thinking myself.
So what should I do?
Should I break things off entirely, or end the engagement and move back home but try just dating each other again to see if any feelings come back?
All I know is you're absolutely right, I shouldn't allow this situation to continue, because even if my fiance magically became motivated to get married tomorrow, it would judt feel like a sham.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (21 April 2010):
Sorry , my first period should read " marrying somebody only out affection, gratitude and shared history " etc. etc.Hope it's clearer now.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (21 April 2010):
That 's only my personal opnion, of course, but according to my experience marrying somebody only story is a big ,big mistake.
You are going to be married, to share the rest of your life with this guy- you should be feeling excited- elated- thrilled.
Of course other readers will tell you that marriage is a serious thing and it's not all about sex,fun and romance, and in time the passionate filing changes into something more companionable etc. etc. And they would be perfectly right, I do not disagreee at all.
But precisely because marriage ia a very serious thing- and not an easy one, you have to be very motivated by something more than affection. , .Living together is gonna be a demanding experience, having kids, planning for a shared future- most probably you as most married couples will meet in your path obstacles and hurdles that are very challenging, and cannot be overcome unless by love- true, strong, passionate love Of course in 10 years you won't be all over each other like a couple of teenagers. And yet, if you bump into some big problem - a rough period financially, diffferences about raising children, a spouse becoming sick, or one of you being tempted to cheat, just to name a few examples- affection and basically getting along won't be enough. not enough at all.
if you are not much in love- do not marry.
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A
female
reader, shnookims  +, writes (21 April 2010):
 From what I gather from your post, you know what you want to do, you're just looking for reassurance that it is the right decision.
You do both deserve better. If this is what life is like engaged, it can only go down as a married couple.
You don't mention whether you've actually discussed some of these feelings with him. If your extremely unsure then maybe you should and maybe it will help you clarrify some things.
I would say go for the life you want, not for the one you feel you've settled with. Hope I've helped a little.
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