A
male
age
41-50,
*etsunafseiei
writes:My wife proposed that we have an open marriage because she refuses to meet my sexual needs and expectations. She wants me to find a "whore" who is willing to attach herself to my crotch and she can find someone who will meet her emotional needs. Here is the catch, she hopes I "stray" so that it's easier for her to walk away from the marriage. I'm in a catch 22. Either way I go, I feel like I'm being set up for failure. I still love her, but this situation is frustrating as heck. Feedback would be appreciated. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (7 August 2010):
 Post has been updated with further details.. http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-wife-wants-an-open-relationship-and-i.html
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (5 August 2010):
You don't mention how long you have been married. Although this doesn't really matter, it does seem that she is somewhat unsettled.
And why does she want you to stray? She can't even make up her own mind whether to stay or leave! Which indicates that she's not really sure what she wants. It's clear because if she didn't love you, surely she would just leave anyway. So she still has feelings for you - no doubt.
It's more about her than anything you have done. Perhaps she's in a rut in her own life - e.g. an uninteresting job; perhaps the both of you don't go out anywhere or don't have fun anymore.
It may even be more of a communication problem between you, such as holding grudges and never talking about what bothers you about each other. Doing that then becomes resentment and over time, it festers and toxifies a relationship. I am talking about feelings and how things either of you say or do (without thinking), can make the other person feel. Then you get the silent treatment - women often respond this way if something bugs them. If you then ask her what it is, you get - "Oh nothing". But it is never nothing. When she does something to upset you, you probably withdraw from her as well. The longer problems don't get discussed the more you alienate each other. It causes more unhappiness than anything else.
This resentment often occurs when people think it's being picky to mention something that upsets them, (even if it's a tiny little thing), and that if they do, they will come across as nagging. But it's not what you say, but how you say it that really counts. If you talk about some issue you have with love, respect and consideration of their feelings, you can always get your message across clearly, without offending them or them taking it personally - which you don't want.
If there are communication problems, it will almost always spill over into the bedroom. So you really need to sit down and talk about it in a friendly environment. Don't discuss it in the bedroom.
So the issue about her not meeting your needs and expectations, might not be about sex at all. As long as it's nothing too outrageous there's probably nothing at all unreasonable about what you hope to happen in the bedroom. The other thing that could affect her wanting to please you might simply be a case of frequency. Perhaps you desire sex more often than she does and she might feel pressured at times, when she's tired and would prefer to sleep instead. Libidos don't always match. So it needs to be understood.
This attitude of hers about an open relationship is not really about her wanting you to go wandering and cheating -no-one would ever want that. It's more of a cry for help by her and wanting change, but not knowing where to start. It's a desperate attempt and almost giving up, because she doesn't know what else to do.
So where to start?
(1) Good communication - both share your feelings and be honest.
(2) Talk about how often you would both like to make love (Plus: likes and dislikes). But don't discuss this at the moment you want to have sex.
(3) Put some variety into your lives - go out to interesting places together; see shows; start some interesting hobbies (both of you, not just her).
I sincerely hope this helps you both. Best Wishes.
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A
female
reader, Lotsalove. +, writes (5 August 2010):
 I have to agree with FatherlyAdvice, It sounds like shes already gone. Tell me exactly HOW an open relationship would work without feelings getting shattered? Would you like to see your wife getting sexy/close with another man? Would you like your wife to see you fucking another woman? I dont think so. Therefore using the phrase 'Lets try an open relationship' is a cover up for 'I dont want this marriage anymore'.
And at Miamine's question: What is the real problem, what goes wrong in the bedroom. Do you want too much sex, or do you want her to do things she's not comfortable with? You need to elaborate, Is it you causing the problems or does your wife not want to have sex at all? And what are the 'emotional needs' that you arent fulfilling? Have you asked her what these are? Has she told you she wants x,y and z and you've refused to give it to her?
If she doesnt want to give you the chance to fulfill her emotional needs and work on your sexual needs then she's not worth waiting around for.. But by saying she wants an open relationship, sounds like shes already made her mind up. Are you sure that that 'other guy' who she's looking for, hasnt already been found? And this is her quick route out?
If you try and stay to work things out and shes reluctant to, then you're set up for failure. But leaving her and letting her find a new man will bring the same result. Just give her an ultimatum, tell her she either tries to work with you to satisfy BOTH of your needs or YOU walk away from her. Not to a whore, not to another woman. Just away from her, let her see you're not playing around and she'll either want you back or shes not worth persuing further.
Good Luck :)
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (5 August 2010):
DO NOT CHEAT. You will be azz-raped in divorce court, no matter what you claim she said. I bet she knows this.
I would call my lawyer today if I were you.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (5 August 2010):
Is this advice you wanted, divorce her and walk away.. are things really that bad, or did you have an arguement that got out of hand.
With sex, most things can be solved if you two calm down, realise that love is involved and want to get your problem solved..
Please update your post and tell us how you two forget to be in love and started fighting.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 August 2010):
 Why not just divorce her? Find someone who will fullfill your sexual needs and she can find someone who can fullfill her emotional needs... OR you two can sit down and figure out how to do that for each other... If you two have no clue to do this, find a couples therapist/counselor.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (4 August 2010):
 Sounds like she is already gone. Is she able to define her "emotional needs?"
FA
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A
male
reader, escribanus  +, writes (4 August 2010):
 Well I think you should try to be more human, much more romantic and to show her you really loves her. I think she is trying to say that she feels like a sexual toy you use and drop when you want, that she doesn't feel that you respect her, so change your being to change your behavior.
If you don't love her, just split out and look for someone you really want to be with and not someone you want to own.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (4 August 2010):
 Does your wife not enjoy sex? Or do u just want it everyday 24-7 that u seem to forget about everything else that goes along with it. There's a piece missing to this puzzle, so lets go off of the info provided. In my opinion, i smell a woman who is missing the emotional part of sex, the fact that its lovemaking, the holding hands, looking deeply into her eyes while moving inside her, laying there holding her afterwards..Im thinking its a wham bam thank u m'am! Now let me jump on the men's side of sex..Yay the lovemaking is nice but the guys like it a lil nasty, more blow jobs, anal, whatever floatsur boat. Now this where it has to have a happy medium in order for both partners to enjoy themselves. I really dont think she's trying to find an excuse to get out of the marriage, bc something tells me she wouldve already left. She's just voicing her opinion in a rather bitchy way. Bottom line, reintroduce the romance back into ur relationship. Get urself some rose petals to sprinkle all over the bed, a hot bubble bath, and a bottle of wine.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (4 August 2010):
You two had an argument, she said some hurtfull words.. she dosen't mean what she says, you know that, your just angry and trying to look for people to make you feel better..
What is the real problem, what goes wrong in the bedroom. Do you want too much sex, or do you want her to do things she's not comfortable with..
Instead of continuing to argue, shout, insult and make threats, tell us the rest of the story, lets see if you and her can work together to make a fair compromise where everybody feels happier.
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A
female
reader, raiders +, writes (4 August 2010):
 She told you to find someone else you can sleep with and that she will find someone that will be there for her emotionally, in reality this is a cry for help. Either you get your act together or she will walk one way or the other.
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A
male
reader, AvgGuy1 +, writes (4 August 2010):
 I whole heartedly agree with NightAngel. Don't fall for it. If SHE wants a divorce/annulment ... then make her file for it. Otherwise, go to counseling.
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A
male
reader, Gandalfrex  +, writes (4 August 2010):
Many times marriage is about compromise. She wants you to satisfy her emotional needs; you want her to satisfy your sexual needs. Sounds like both of you have something you would like to change about the other person. I suggest a quick session with a marriage counselor where the two of you can tell each other, under the supervision of a completely neutral agent, what you want to change in your relationship as you are both currently unfulfilled.
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