A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I recently found out that my wife’s sister has past. I am upset because I never even knew she had a sister. My wife hides her family and her past from me. Worse she asked me not to come to the funeral and wants to go alone. We have been married for over a year but have been together for more than 8 years. What should I do. I want to be there for her but I am also very sad and feel betrayed by her actions.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2019): Grab a bottle of wine two glasses and a candle and sit her down and talk to her.If you cannot even do that your marriage is doomed.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2019): To the female anonymous poster who responded with such accusations of your wife, it is apparent that something has happened to you. Maybe your boyfriend or husband has lied to you, maybe an affair?
There could be many reasons to lie about her family so assuming it could just be because she's being decietful is too quick of the mark.
I hid my family for many years from my partner because of the death of my Dad and mum. They all blamed me for their death even though I wasn't in the country. I did it to protect my partner. Time passed and bridges were mended.
Don't be quick to assume someone is lying to get away with living an alternative life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2019): I think that it is a very terrible thing she has done to hide information about who she is. I think there is evidently must be some reason she has created a charade and a sham of a life-- to hide her own sister and family from her own husband.
Yes, you hide dysfunction from acquaintances, even friends-- not your HUSBAND you have known EIGHT YEARS and you are supposed to be ONE FLESH together. That means no fundamental secrets.
It wouldn't matter if she decided not to tell you every little detail...but to hide it COMPLETELY tells me something is seriously wrong.
I wonder if she possibly has larger lying issues. Perhaps she DOESN"t have a sister at all!!! Perhaps she has just "invented" her and her funeral as a convenient excuse for...who knows what? I would be very curious to verify the funeral from outside sources. Who knows anything about your wife if you have never met her family?
Sorry but knowing people who have disorders it sounds very much like you are dealing with a chronic liar here. A MAJOR lie by omission at first, and then a sudden character appearance (sister). Something doesn't add up. You need to ask MANY more questions, verify from outside sources, and watch your back. I'd be filing for divorce, personally.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 March 2019):
 I'm with Cindy here.
I think that in 8 YEARS of knowing a partner you would have been told or heard about the partner's family, even if there was a LOT of bad blood between them. Having a sibling and NEVER mention it? I find it odd. It's a very compartmentalizing your life kind of view point.
If she doesn't WANT you at the funeral, I would respect that but I would ALSO have a conversation (after the funeral) how you feel about all this. I think it's ABOUT time you two talk about it?
Now she might have withhold this information for a good reason. I do find it odd that you NEVER asked any questions with regards to her family? And that she never divulged any information either.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (18 March 2019):
 I can see I am outnumbered here, but TBH in your shoes I'd feel pretty freaked out too. Maybe not " betrayed " but amazed and disappointed , yes.
Isn't marriage, at least in theory, all about mutual trust and being able to be honest and sincere with each other ? And to share the important things in our lives ? We are supposed to love our spouses " warts and all ", but if either one carefully hides all the possible " warts ", they are playing with a rigged deck, aren't they ?
I mean, you did not even know she had a sister , she did not even mention having one ! I guess that if in 8 years you have never met her family, by now you had figured out that she cut them off, or that she does not want anything to do with them; and I don't doubt that she has her own reasons for that. But one thing is to say, for instance, " I distanced myself from my abusive family " or " I have a sister, but we fell out long time ago, and I don't want to talk about her " and another quite different , IMO ,from just erasing that family member from consciousness ( only to
" resurrect " her at the time… of her funeral ). One can't help wonder, what else has she omitted ( or WOULD she omit ) to inform me about ? A child from another man , growing up in an orphanage ? A prison record ? An hereditary genetic disease ? …
And note that I am not tender at all with posters who suffer from retroactive jealousy or obsess about the number of their partner's past lovers. It's eye -roll inducing to me- but it's also all another kettle of fish, :
sex belongs to the private, personal dimension of a human being; family also belongs to the social dimension. If you grew up in a family, say, of serial killers , if I love you I'll take anyway, I guess, but I'd rather know whom and what I am taking.
Plus , Ok, she will have her own reasons, but once you are married, your reasons needs to be reasons which your spouse can, if not share or understand, at least respect. Example : " I don't see my parents because they were anaffective / neglectful / unsupportive "- fine. I may believe in forgiveness, but ultimately, if you don't have it in your heart to forgive them, if you aren't at that point yet where you can let go of old wounds, I sure can't and don't want to rush you on this path. " I don't see my parents because they are poor / uneducated and that embarrasses me " ; well, then you are a snob and that's not a quality that I love in my life partner, had I known maybe I'd have chosen differently.
I think that you and your wife should work on communication. Which does not mean to force her to spill the beans in painful details , if she does not want to. But apparently your wife does not feel safe and secure enough in the knowledge that she can share with you stuff, I repeat, °important° stuff , not just menial everyday things, without losing your love and support. I have no idea where this comes from, but it must come from somewhere. Not saying that is necessary your fault ( how would I know ! ) but just trying to give you some food for thought. How was communication between you so far ? Do you tend to be nitpicking and hypercritical ? Do you tend to dole out conditional love, like, being warm and affectionate only if she meets your expectations ( as a sex partner, or homemaker, or activity partner etc. etc. ) but cold or angry when she goofs ? Did you put her on a pedestal and she fears that if she comes out with less then stellar family members she will lose status in your eyes ?
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (18 March 2019):
 If you love your wife then the best thing you can do is to respect her, support her and allow her to go alone. She has her reasons whatever they are. If she wants to open up to you she will. Just ask her if you can help her in any way.
Some of us are not lucky enough to have wonderful caring supportive families and we have had to escape and cope the best way that we can. I speak from experience. Some members of my family are absolutely toxic and I prefer that people I love do not have to be subjected to them. If your wife never talked about her sister to you in all the time that you have been together, there is obviously some reason why. Again, just be supportive of her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2019): This is not about you. Whatever reasons your wife had to not divulge her family to you was probably justified. You shoudl not press her on this as this may cause friction in your marriage which I'm sure you do not want.
Be supportive, don't ask questons, if she tells you on her then then so be it.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (18 March 2019):
 This is not about YOU. This is about your wife and whatever dysfunctional relationship she has with her family. If she has never mentioned her sister in all the 8 years you have known her, then there was obviously some problem between them.
In your shoes I would not press for more information and I certainly would not insist on being there for her when this is quite clearly something she needs to do alone. Instead, ask if there is anything you can do to help and give her a big hug when she comes back. Don't ask questions but tell her you are happy to listen if she WANTS to talk. There could be many painful reasons why she has not talked about her family for all these years. (I don't talk about certain aspects of my upbringing because the raking up the memories still causes me distress.) Respect the reasons your wife has for not wishing to share this information about her past while offering support IF she wants it. This is not something you can fix for her. All you can do is be there. Don't add to her distress by demanding she shares what she obviously prefers to forget.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (18 March 2019):
 There is nothing you do on your part. This is not about you but her family. Ideally couples share everything because they have trust. This is harder for families especially of Asian descent or those who had taken an oath of secrecy. I can relate to her so I have sympathy for her. For me, the test of love is to let go of the need to control and to know everything. To love such a woman is to accept her need for her secret, when most would press for answers and look at her family as abnormal. Her ability to love you is not dependent on her willingness to tell you about her family. There must be a reason why she kept the secret. Fear of shame and being looked down upon. Fear of judgment. It's possible that her family has special arrangement for her or paid her to shut up about certain things. You agreed to marry her knowing you would not have an in law relationship. You have been together for 8 years and then you wanted to be with her for long term. That shows you enjoy this relationship even when her background is obscure. You can still be a source of support without having to press for information. I keep a big secret from my extended family too. I am still a happy being, not someone who needs rescuing or be corrected of what the proper thing to do is, when it comes to family secrets. I stick to my decision based on what I think yields the best outcome for everyone and I have no regrets.
Every family has a different story. I am not certain if her secrecy is in some way affecting your marriage. Such as her mental well being. Has her complicated relationship within her family caused her to become cold towards you, or is she still able to carry her duty as a wife?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2019): People have their reasons why they hide their families. Usually it is shame. If you come from better circumstances and have a better relationship with your family; you may judge hers once you discover the contrast. That's what she fears.
If she asked to go alone, allow her to save face. You were her boyfriend for 8 years, and her husband for the last year. You went 8 years without being curious, and you didn't seem to mind.
We receive hundreds of posts from people who write DC, who come from toxic family situations. They sometimes have to escape their past; because it was nothing but a source of pain and shame. They often ask the aunts and uncles what to do. Their only choice is to distance themselves from people who bring them nothing but grief and abuse. Then there are others who come from poverty; and have very unsophisticated and under-educated families, who are crass and may embarrass them. What they fear is being judged. Ashamed of their families and their background; or protective of them, because they would rather die than see pity or disgust on your face.
I speculate she doesn't want to see the look on your face when you realize how poor or different her family is from yours. They just may not be the kind of people you would normally want to associate with; or you may have unwittingly made insensitive comments that created the shame. If you have expressed certain prejudices or intolerance towards certain kinds of people; they may fall into one of those categories.
She has apparently done everything she can to be unlike the people she left behind. Respect her privacy. If they've never visited, and you got married without inviting her family. I guess you were doing fine not knowing them.
Let her go alone. How are you betrayed now, when you were together 8 years and you never inquired about her family origins? Everyone comes from somewhere, and has to be related to somebody.
If her family-relationship is estranged, toxic, or abusive; it's better to fly above the drama. She went out of her way to stay away from them, probably for good reasons.
Especially if they're a crime-family. If she comes from another country; perhaps they are undocumented immigrants living under the radar. It could be more about you, than them!
She may be hiding you from them to protect you. Either way, allow her to bury her sister and deal with her family. When she returns, and you have given her ample time for her grief period; then ask some questions.
If you've been happy thus far, don't open a can of worms.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2019): Red flag here.
Either she thinks her family will be embarassed by you, or not like you or be nice, or she’s embarassed by you and does not want you near her family.
Possibly she’s embarassed by her family, for whatever reason..or maybe her sister was nasty or mentally ill or a b.tch.
I’d be hurt and I’d calmly ask her why?
Do not get angry or raise your vioce or be nasty, be calm.
Tell her how you feel and why, give her a chance to explain.
Something is not right here..
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