A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Why are people so self absorbed and disinterested?Is this rude?If you saw a friend you hadn’tseen in ages and she didnt once ask how you or your life was what would you do?You havent seen her in 5-6 months. and of course ask how she and work and life’s been, She didnt once ask after you, or yor life etc You did mention you briefly after her rant.. Why do some “friends” not ask after you?If I hadn’t asked her “how’s work been?” And then after her life and genuinely interested we’d have sat in silence!Is that what I have to do now?Do people not ask? Is it assumed that I’ll talk about me?I know very few people, friends, colleagues, even mySister who’ll ask how I am.What’s wrong with me? Or them?Are we so self absorbed we cannot ask how a friend is or listen?Frustrating! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (19 March 2019):
 I think there is a CLEAR way of knowing WHO are friends, who are acquaintances and who are semi-stranger - JUST by thinking of the conversations you have with them.
My good friends and I have long conversations, some times NOT as often as either of us would like but that happens when you live far from each other. Sometimes the conversation is ALL about them, their family, any "drama" etc. Sometimes it's a sharing of info, sometimes I am the "main character"... And I really don't CARE! I ENJOY hearing what's up with THEIR lives. It's usually a back and forth kind of thing.
IF I have something to SHARE then I will! I don't WAIT for them to ask! They are my friends!
Why WAIT for her to ASK you what's up with your life? If you had something to SHARE, why didn't you?
Are YOU rude? Does it make YOU rude not to share?
I think you are being a tad OVER dramatic.
If she isn't interested in you, then WHY do you call her a friend?
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (18 March 2019):
 Why haven't you seen her in that long?
Have you made the effort?
Some people ask how you are just so you can ask them and they can ramble about themselves - hence your feelings being hurt because you didn't get to talk about yourself and she didn't remember/care to ask.
Some people genuinely don't do well with personal interactions, regardless of technology. My dad occasionally sees the parents he knew from my brother's sports teams and they have a quick chat, but he totally forgets to ask what their hids are doing now, even if they ask what my brother is doing!
He doesn't mean to forget; it just doesn't pop into his head at the time. If they offer up the information, he's interested, but won't remember to say it on his own. He'll come home and say "I just saw Bob, Johnny's dad. He asked what Callum is up to". We'll say "That's nice. Did you ask what Johnny's doing?" and he'll say "oh, no. I forgot". People are busy and it slips their minds.
You're making a big deal out of this. OFFER the information, even if people don't ask. It's sad, but it's not a technology or new society thing - people are just constantly thinking about what they have to get done and they don't always have the mental space to remember to ask Sue how she is and what her children are doing these days.
Don't get me wrong; I wish people asked me, but most don't because they forget I exist, even with my family! Sometimes you just have to initiate talking about yourself or move on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2019): Why complain after? You could've said "Are you not going to ask how my life is?" Simple. If she still decided to not ask you then you can justify by calling her rude.
So many peoblems would be solved if more people were just direct.
I had this situation once with my family. They never asked how I was or how my kuife was once I moved away, they never called and I was the only one ever calling home so I challenged them on it face to face. The got uncomfortable and admitted that they didn't know how to ask such a question as they couldn't relate to my life etc due to them never working or not highly educated. I got my answer.
The resolution? That was them calling me more reguarly just asking if I'm well. I understood were they were coming from and I had no more issues.
Be more direct in future.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (18 March 2019):
 Ha ha, welcome to my world! I can recall SO many meetings (they are not really conversations, so I won't dignify them with that description) where I have asked questions, listened to long rambling replies, then muttered at someone's departing back "I'm very well, thank you for asking" as they haven't actually even bothered asking once how I am doing.
I find it so frustrating that I no longer bother keeping up contact with people who are like this and have even been known to walk away as they have been talking as I feel my time is too precious to waste. As a result, I have found my circle of real friends has shrunk significantly but the few I now term as friends are people who are still capable of having a conversation, who ask about me as I ask about them, who listen because they care. These are people I meet up with regularly, have regular contact with and who I know care about me as much as I care about them.
I think, in no small part due to technology, we are losing the art of conversation. I "people watch" a lot and like to just listen in on conversations going on around me. Sadly so many of these "conversations" seem to consist of:
A: Me, me, me.
B: Me, me, me.
A: More me, me, me.
Generally speaking, the only real conversations I tend to hear seem to be between older people, people who have learned to talk to others without keeping one eye on the television in the background or without playing on their mobile phone.
It's very sad but there ARE still people out there who ARE genuinely interested in their friends and who WILL ask how they are and LISTEN to the answer without waiting to jump in with a long spiel about THEMSELVES. Hold onto these people. They are a dying breed.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (18 March 2019):
 Tricky question. On on hand, it is polite to ask. On the other hand, the only people I know who have complained about friends not asking, are in fact not really friends, but are imposing themselves on others. So either you have a rude friend (dont generalisere), or you have read too much into this and she is in fact trying to avoid you.
Do you often feel like theres something wrong with everyone else? That everyone else is rude, or just using you without giving in return?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2019): If you are on social media or have mutual-friends, she may know more about you than you might know. Sometimes people are in a hurry.
If you haven't been in contact for 6 months; some people will cut you out of their lives and move-on during the period of separation. Being short and impersonal is a way to escape a long drawn-out conversation they don't particularly care to have. Life goes on.
Remember, some friends are fake-friends. They may have only been friendly, because you were a necessary member to complete a clique. Once the clique has disbanded, you're disposable. You get replaced. Maybe you were naive, or too caught-up in your loyalty and fondness for them to see that.
Some people have a use for you. Once they don't, you can dry-up and fall-off. No time for chit-chat.
I've learned to discern my real-friends from my friendly-acquaintances. I tend to stick closer to those who are the sweetest and like to stay in-touch. They'll automatically call, if they don't hear from me. I don't worry if they don't need a full review of my life since they last saw me. If they don't ask, I won't bring it up. I'll still politely ask how they've been. Response is optional. Hopefully, all is well. I will consider time and circumstances; they may not be chatty at that particular moment.
Bad-manners, rudeness, and discourtesy is the new norm. Welcome to the 21st-century! Feelings are expressed with emojis, and you need a digital device to communicate with people. Impersonal is the way of the future.
If family doesn't ask after you, it's because they are carrying a grudge; they are probably jealous, or were never particularly fond of you. If you weren't always close; as you get older, you just grow more distant.
Colleagues may prefer little or nothing beyond their professional-relationship with you. So you'll get detached courtesy, and hollow-chat or pleasantries just to be polite.
People are too busy, or somewhat selfish or self-centered these days. They don't really care beyond the personal pronouns me, myself, and I. If you are long-winded, or like to talk too much about yourself, or complain a lot; people tend to avoid conversations with you. They don't want to get you started. Just settle for a passing hello!
You have to adapt to your environment. I prefer to stick to my manners, practice courtesy, be civilized, and friendly; regardless of what other people do. I could complain about it, but why dwell on it? It is what it is. Times have changed. You've vented about it, now take a deep breath and let it go.
Don't change to fit the status quo! The world still needs people like us who care! There's room in heaven for us!
I don't sweat it. Yes, it pisses me off sometimes; but I can either chill, or let people keep me full of vinegar and bitterness. Just continue being friendly to them. If they don't care to ask, simply tell them you're doing great and it was nice to see them. Wish them the best, and be on your way! If you have to pry a civil conversation out of people, you may as well not waste your time. Shrug it off!
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