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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Hey y'all. My boyfriend of 6 weeks and I have run into some interference from his ex girlfriend of 8 years. He moved to my country and we started dating after he broke up with her. She was not in touch with him at all during those 6 weeks and then suddenly she texted him a week ago! Out of the blue! I looked at his phone. It is password protected but he left it open while in the shower. I noticed a series of messages exchanged between them. He told her how much he misses her terribly and still loves her. How he is glad she contacted him. He called her gorgeous. He called her baby and sweetie!! And he reminisced about all the things they used to do together that they had in common and how he misses all of it. He told her he wants to stay in touch with her. He never mentioned having a new girl. Me. I was non existent in their conversations. What is going on here? Are you not supposed to BLOCK exes? He hadn't. Our relationship progressed pretty fast and it became sexual early on. I thought he was into me? I am not comfortable with this new turn of events. Do you think I have reason to be WORRIED? Why would he still be talking to her when he has a new gf?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2021): He isn't playing both of you OP. Men who get out of long term relationships are not playing people. They are self medicating. They are like lost little puppies who are trying to escape the pain of a break up. He is not mentally or emotionally available. But any man is "UP" for it and physically available when push comes to shove but it means nothing. I think he is doing it subconsciously and is no different than anyone else on the rebound who needs to jump straight into another "relationship" to numb their feelings... but I hate to use the word relationship because you are just a gap filler for the time being. Sorry, but if anything you are being USED. He is probably confused and his emotions all over the place. I am thinking you might have been pretty aggressive and enticed him with sex and he caved in because he was lonely? Is that true OP? How aggressive were you? I am thinking he might have been staying in his own lane although being friendly or open to you, and you went in for the kill. Some women smell needy men a mile away and maybe they like that! He probably thought of his ex girlfriend the whole time he was having sex with you. Do you want a guy who is so messed up emotionally and about to go back to his ex girlfriend? They have a long history and it seems they are both very much in love with each other. You can't compete with that no matter how much sex you give the guy. 6 weeks is nothing. You are easily forgettable. How do you know he hasn't had sex with anyone else to soothe his pain? You aren't his girlfriend and he owes you nothing. I think you are making too much of this fling. It is a good thing that you saw his phone. Now you know not to keep wasting your time. His heart is with his ex girlfriend. There is nothing you can do to change that. Sorry.
A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (16 March 2021):
 Simply put: he's still in love with his ex and he's probably hoping to get back with her. Why didn't he mention you? It's been 6 weeks and he's still deciding whether or not he actually even wants to be with you long term... Enter the ex... Which tells me that it's only a matter of time before he leaves you, for her. They have a history together, he just met you not too long ago. He still loves her, he may kinda like you but he definitely doesn't love you yet. With his ex now involved, he won't learn to love you either because his past is knocking at his door, and she's a welcomed guest, it seems. You have a choice here, you could either wait for him to leave you, or you could leave him now with your dignity still intact. If I were you, I'd choose the latter... But it's up to you.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (16 March 2021):
 He's still in contact because, as you have witnessed with your own eyes, they are not really "over" yet. He has jumped into bed with another female (you) to fill the void in his life but his heart is still with the old girlfriend. If the old girlfriend says "let's get back together", he will be off back to her and not give you a second thought. If she decides that, for her, the relationship really is over, then he will stick with you because he has no "better" offers. Either way, you are worth better.
Walk away with your head high, thanking the universe that you only wasted 6 weeks. He is not free to have another relationship. We are sent people by the universe to teach us lessons. Learn your lessons and let him go. This one's not for you.
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A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (16 March 2021):
 Of course "he misses her terribly" and "still loves her", it’s because they recently broke up! When anyone breakups; generally there’s a remorse period thereafter, among other emotional feelings, physical emptiness, a void feeling, which lasts for months in some cases. Basically they’re licking their wounds after an 8 year relationship history… missing each other, reminiscing, have guilt, blame, remorse etc.
However, when someone moves country, starts a pretty fast sexual relationship, texts a series of reminiscing conversations to an Ex and doesn’t mention his new girl, it tells me you are his rebound GF, plain and simple. He’s not over her, yet he found someone (a rebound) to have his physical void filled just as much as you found someone to have your void filled by becoming sexual too early!?
Good for you for snooping, as there’s nothing better than to expose or discover truth. Although, how we deal with the discovery always has consequences to our emotions etc. I suggest you toughen up, cut your ties, chalk it up to experience, be smart when dating, ask the tough questions too insure they are emotionally ready to be with you/someone. No baggage!
Take Care
CAA
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A
female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (15 March 2021):
 The odds are they aren't finished and you are going to get caught in the crossfires. You know what is going on, I just don't think you want to believe it. You've invested 6 weeks. Let that be the end of it. I wouldn't even tell him what you found out, I'd just end it. There are too many nice guys that are free to be worried about why a boyfriend is texting an ex! He's not over her thats apparent. Let her have him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2021): You went spying and now you know he's still chatting-up his ex. Why are you asking for advice? You're a mature and experienced-woman in her 40's. If your boyfriend still connects with his ex, and says romantic things to her; kind of tells you he's still into her. You're just a stand-in until they mend things.
You've read all their conversations. It's up to you decide if you want to get your heart broken.
If you need a boyfriend so badly you'll put-up with threeway-drama with his (?)-ex. What can we say that will change your mind, or even matter?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2021): He's no prize actually, is he? He's leading her and you on. If his ex KNEW that he was having sex and going out with you, she would be feeling entirely differently! I bet you she is under the impression that he is at home alone, missing her. He is not disabusing her of this notion is he? And then, he's coming to you, letting you think all is fine and dandy.
He is not over her, or he's playing you both and fancies having his cake and eat it.
It's not been long that you've been together. My advice would be to stop wasting your time, because you're never going to trust him again, are you? So, what's the point?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2021): It is obvious OP that you are a REBOUND relationship for your "boyfriend." It all happened way too fast for it to amount to anything more. You rushed in. And had sex. He was only licking his wounds and hoping to dull the pain of the break up of a LONG TERM relationship. You are deluding yourself if you think he could get over a woman he loved for 8 years in only 6 weeks and get serious with you in that same, short amount of time. He was only looking for a distraction and easy sex to fill the emptiness inside and stop himself from feeling the loss of the woman he really loves. Her. He used you as a band aid. Doesn't make him a bad guy. He just wasn't ready. And maybe did not admit that to himself honestly.
I would not wait around. It looks like she is the one he wants. And she seems to want him back too or she would not have reached out to him.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (15 March 2021):
 1. It's not appropriate to snoop, and after ONLY 6 weeks?, talk about the invasion of privacy!
2. Since you did, you now know he IS NOT over his ex. So stop wasting your time with him/on him.
3. He didn't mention you because you have ONLY dated 6 weeks. It's still in the GET-TO-KNOW-YOU phase. And you are obviously not so important to him that he wants to risk her not talking to him anymore by mentioning you.
4. No, there are NO rules that say you have to BLOCK an ex. Some share kids, a dog, a business after breaking up. Some are still civil. YOUR BF is not "just" civil - he is HOPING to rekindle something with his ex. That is pretty obvious.
""Do you think I have reason to be WORRIED?""
Not if you end it, wish him well and walk away.
If you stay with him he will UNDOUBTEDLY drop you the MINUTE she wants him back. Or he will STRING you BOTH along. He isn't the faithful kind.
""Why would he still be talking to her when he has a new gf?""
See 3. He wants his cake and eat it too.
YOU are the one wasting your time. HE has shown you THIS early in the relationship what kind of guy he is. And that is one that IS NOT faithful or respectful of his relationship.
If you ignore this HUGE red flag that is on you.
If I were you, I'd tell him that you have come to the decision that you and he aren't going to work out because it seems you want different things. Don't elaborate and don't tell him you snooped. You don't NEED to give him a long explanation.
And NEXT time you find a guy to date... TAKE your time getting to know him before jumping into bed. And don't snoop. You had no right to do so.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (15 March 2021):
 While i don't condone snooping through someones phone while they are otherwise engaged, in this particular case it has revealed some very worrying facts regarding his commitment and feelings towards you.
You ask what is going on here?. He is on the verge of starting up something new with his ex.
You ask do you have reason to be worried?. as far as any future with him is concerned, then yes you should be worried.
I would not even give him the satisfaction of telling him you found all these texts on his phone while he was in the shower. Infact i think you should just end it with him and run for the hills.
I think you should end things sooner rather than later, just tell him its over and move on. The reason i say do this sooner rather that later is because the correspondence between him and his ex, its a strong possibility this is what he is going to do to you.
Leave now with your head up high, and find someone who is into you and not their ex.
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