A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone. I am in need of some advice on how to move forward in my situation.I have been with my partner for 9 years. We split up two months ago because over the past year we have been in lockdown together (both working from home) and over time our relationship just gradually broke down from the bickering of being together 24/7. I know we are not unlike many people during these unprecedented times. But we live in a 650 square foot apartment and there is not much separate living space. We were literally on top of each other. The kitchen is small and he is the cook. He would often get irritated if I went into the kitchen while he was cooking meals. That is just one example. But it is the little nitty gritty stuff that just seemed to rub us wrong. Our only excursions were to shop for food or other essentials. We loved each other and the sex was still very wonderful. But we just bickered. And one day, after one such argument, he stormed out. He said he can't do this anymore.So I figured as distraught as I was, that it was best to let things cool down and let him go have his space. I believe it did us both good. No contact as in radio silence was the right decision and I do not regret it. It gave both of us room to think and grow. I think the result of NC can also be that a partner realizes they miss you and understand what they had while they might have been taking you for granted. I reached out after 2 months (I didn't know if I SHOULD as he left me but I always had it in mind to contact him otherwise it would just be a NC stand off) and I wanted to communicate and see where things stood and revisit the relationship after a couple of months. I am still hoping for reconciliation.He did respond to my email quickly. And said how much he misses me and has me on his mind everyday, in all that he does. How he has longed to hear from me. He called me the sexiest and most beautiful woman in the world. He has been seeing a therapist (as per my suggestion to him before he left) and I have also been seeing a therapist. I think we both had some issues that needed to be worked on individually before being re-involved in a relationship. He is happy with this progress and has told me all about it. I have done the same thing. He has been in constant communication for about a week. I have not always initiated. He has also initiated conversations. When he said he would write, he wrote. He was been true to his word. I was thinking it looked pretty positive and things were moving in the right direction. I definitely did not want to push him. I have always said to him that wanting to be with me should be a choice he makes freely without feeling pressured. But he told me that he does not know what will become of "us" and now I am totally thrown for a loop. He has been communicating, telling me he misses me, loves me etc and yet then he throws that bomb on me. It seems like he isn't sure? What is your opinion? I am over reacting and should just proceed with caution? Or, do you think he is telling me he does not want to get back together or do you think he quite possibly met someone else and won't tell me? Isn't 2 months too fast to get involved that heavily with another person after the break up of a long term relationship? Surely that cannot be it. Why would he even bother replying if he was done with the relationship? He could have not replied and stayed in no contact. It had been 8 weeks. There would have been no need to reply to me if he wanted me out of his life or had moved on. We don't have kids. What is your advice to me? I am left with this feeling of uncertainty. How should I handle this? I am trying to stay with him and hang in if he needs more time. But at the same time, I don't want to get my hopes up and feel hurt all over again.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2021): Hi everyone. It is the OP. Thank you for your answers. I have been on this site since 2013 and I feel like I know all of you. :) You are like friends you can count on when you are going through a tough time or need advice. You guys are always there to give advice, even though the people closest to me are tired of hearing my problems. This site is a God send to a lot of people around the world who may feel stuck, alone, depressed, isolated etc.
Thought I would update all of you on what has happened since I posted.
We are back together and are working things out. In addition to individual therapy, we are going to go to couple's therapy.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (16 March 2021):
 In a nutshell: (1) I doubt he has a new girlfriend and (2) he tells you he is not sure what will happen to you as a couple because he genuinely hasn't worked out yet what is best for him.
It is quite difficult to go "cold turkey" from a 9 year relationship so it is quite possible that his reason for re-establishing contact with you is because he is still struggling being alone and struggling to draw a line under a 9 year relationship, even if he is not sure it has any sort of viable future.
While absence can certainly make the heart grow fonder, it can also give you time to re-assess your life and work out what you want going forward. If the relationship became toxic, his therapist may be helping him to work out what he wants for his future. You would not read a book for a second time and expect a different ending to the first time, so why would you revisit a relationship if the situation which drove you apart has not changed? He left because he couldn't stand bickering with you any longer. Why would he want to put himself back in that situation? You must surely feel the same way.
I think you both need to learn different coping mechanisms for dealing with conflict. As you are both having therapy, perhaps this is one of the things you could both work on? Then perhaps you could rekindle your relationship but, in your shoes, I would take it very slowly and not move back in together until you are both sure you will not repeat the mistakes of the past.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2021): There's this thing where we might have to "love from a distance;" while we sort things out. A nine-year relationship that suddenly grinds to a halt; and two people have to put distance between them. That seems like the prelude, or pretty close to a breakup to me.
You might still care for each-other, but that doesn't necessarily mean a few kind conciliatory-words mean all is forgotten and forgiven; and we can pick-up where we left-off. You both wound-up with therapists, mind you! Maybe covid-confinement brought things to a head.
Women may cringe when I make this observation, but you did seek opinions; so lets venture all probabilities. I often wonder how people maintain long-term relationships spanning over fives years+, and never reach the point when they want to marry and commit for life? It seems there's always an opening left for an escape, in the event of a blow-out; or in case something better comes along, and there's no binding-commitment to get in the way. Just my own opinion.
Usually, birthing kids is a means some women will anchor these relationships; when he drags his feet, or will never propose. Even that will not assure you a binding-connection that will eliminate any possibility of his escape. Well, seems that dreaded expiration-date is looming.
I know...seriously, WiseOwlE?!! Such pessimism! Hey, we're all adults here!
I call these perpetual/forever boyfriend-girlfriend relationships "faux-marriages." People share their bed and bank accounts. They intertwine their incomes, co-sign credit cards, and purchase homes together. At least with marriage, when things dissolve or implode; a divorce allows you legal-recourse to split assets, negotiate debt, or recover your losses. No problemo, as long as everybody stays on the same page, nobody even remotely considers marriage as an option, and you never hit a major snag! Unlike real-marriage, there's no contract-agreement or legal-obligation requiring you to stick it out and exhaust all possible efforts to save it!
He is probably sorting through his pros and cons to come to a final-decision; while giving you a taste of what it feels like to live in his absence...and vice versa. He is allowing you to become reacquainted with your independence, and the distance and time apart is allowing you to redefine your individual identities. It's a taste of freedom without conflict and heavy responsibility. A moment to breathe and exhale. Being a couple for so long, a part of you is lost. You've become codependent to a point of smothering each-other; and he doesn't want the relationship to feel too much like a "marriage." You're needing some reassurance that the relationship is solid and bonded; while he is trying not to feel "trapped." This is speculation; but I'm offering you hypotheticals and theories to ponder.
This is how you handle the waiting and separation. Hope for the best, while preparing for the worst-case scenario...that being a breakup. It is highly probable and possible. It does not mean he no longer loves you, he has told you he does. He has been able to miss you; but it doesn't necessarily mean he wants to comeback. He is loving from a distance.
Adjust your mindset to be able to deal with whatever comes. Get used to your freedom and independence, in the event that this is it. Don't read a lot into what he says; observe what he does to backup his words. If you tire of waiting...which by the way may be his strategy to get you to make the decision to end it first! Hence, you don't have to put your life on-hold; placing all the power in his hands to decide the fate of the relationship. You're totally involved, the other half; and directly affected by the outcome. You're the one poised and waiting for a decision. You've delegated all authority into his hands. While you sweat it out!
I'd ask him to poop, or get-off the pot! I think he's pulling-away, not prepping for a reconciliation. Worrying and fretting over it isn't going to help. Take an extra-strength chill-pill. If he comes back, great! If not, go through your grief and detachment-process, and move on. Boyfriends and old-sneakers are replaceable. If he has met someone, why wait for the bad news? Get your life ready and prepare to live it to the fullest. With, or without him!
I'm only speculating. I hope I'm wrong.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2021): I think he means he is in therapy and things aren't yet sorted for him. He doesn't know what's going to happen. I don' think it sounds as if he has met someone else, I think he sounds as if he is still unsure.
I believe therapy can change people and their opinions and how they see things. He is in flux.
You have a decision to make. Whether you will wait to see where he goes with this or whether you don't. Of course you don't want to wait and hope and then be hurt again, but if you consider him worth waiting for then this is what you must do.
Try to chill. Try to expand your horizons when you can, so everything is not all hanging on him and his decision.
Time will tell and his feelings can't be rushed. Be cool, be happy, be someone he misses. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (15 March 2021):
 Yep 100% with Code Warrior.
FOCUS on your own growth right now. And I agree you can't blame Covid for all the issues cropping up. Some of them were there before you two just didn't pay attention to them. I bet you they weren't new.
I say that because most of us have had to face annoying habits or issues with our family/spouse/partner/ourselves because we are home more. And some have found coping mechanisms such as long walks, crafting, hobbies, etc.
I think you NEED to let this happen organically. He is working on himself and you on yourself. Who knows maybe he will want to try again, maybe he won't. Either wat you are both improving yourselves. Be it FOR each other or for the next partner. DO NOT try and push him or rush it.
I think it's better to give this some time, instead of jumping in with both feet again BEFORE you are both ready.
So dial back the contact. LET him MISS you. Don't BE so available right now. I'm not saying that to "play games" but to NOT get your hopes up and to not JUMP the gun.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (15 March 2021):
 I agree with Code warrior, i think you need to chill out about this whole thing.
Your hanging off of his every word, and clinging onto the fact that you are going to get back together and all with will be rosy and good again.
Yes a lot of people struggled during covid lockdown, but maybe the problems between the pair of you would have happened anyway.
So why are you making a mountain out of his words he does not know what will become of you?.
You both split up, went your seperate ways. He does not know what will become of you, know one does including yourself.
Just chill out about the whole thing, keep up the contact and just see what transpires.
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