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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: If a married man you've been involved in a long term relationship with tells you he loves you, could he really mean it, even if he will never leave his wife to be with you?It's a terrible predicament to be in when you realize you now love this man and would miss him for the rest of your life if you had to part ways. And you more than anything don't want to leave him. But he set you up to fail from the beginning because he never had intentions of becoming serious with you. So, why the "I love you" if he won't change his life for you?He once said he wanted to leave her to be with me and then changed his mind.
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (29 October 2017):
 OP, I'm sorry, but you need to stop this immediately. Thinking about him and his reasons won't help. We all know this was more for you, but you were trying to *steal* him. The pain is your karma. Act fast and cut him off permanently. If you don't, you'll waste more years of your life.
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (29 October 2017):
 I often feel harsh to state the obvious in this kind of situation. You ask the common question in an interesting way. Could he really mean it when he says he loves you?
Well he says the same thing to his wife. He means it as much to her as he does to you. He loves her, enough to stay with her, Not enough to be exclusive with her. He loves you, enough to risk his marriage to continue to be with you, but not enough to be exclusive with you. He may never be exclusive with anyone.
There is another thing. Adultery is addictive, it is said to be quite a thrill. Many affair partners find that once the wife is out of the picture the thrill is gone and not much is left to hold the relationship together.
I don't want to be cruel to you. You are in a difficult situation, with no good way out of it.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (29 October 2017):
I often feel harsh to state the obvious in this kind of situation. You ask the common question in an interesting way. Could he really mean it when he says he loves you?
Well he says the same thing to his wife. He means it as much to her as he does to you. He loves her, enough to stay with her, Not enough to be exclusive with her. He loves you, enough to risk his marriage to continue to be with you, but not enough to be exclusive with you. He may never be exclusive with anyone.
There is another thing. Adultery is addictive, it is said to be quite a thrill. Many affair partners find that once the wife is out of the picture the thrill is gone and not much is left to hold the relationship together.
I don't want to be cruel to you. You are in a difficult situation, with no good way out of it.
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A
female
reader, holeymoley  +, writes (29 October 2017):
 saying I love you is cheaper than paying for it-
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A
male
reader, TylerSage +, writes (29 October 2017):
 That's how he ensures to keep you wrapped around his finger. He's a cheater. He wants both you and his wife.His wife is already in the bag, but by saying "I love you", which are clearly just words to him makes you feel more secure in the relationship. You already mentioned he has no plans to leave his wife so it shows how just how little he respects you.
All the best.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (28 October 2017):
He said "I love you" because you are naive and fell for it. I'm sorry this hurts, but you are old enough to know better. HE IS MARRIED. You have hurt his wife and any children he may have. YOU knew he was married and decided to stay. You're not innocent or a victim.You should never be with someone who isn't single. You should also never be with someone who you want to change.He is married. He has a wife. YOU are the bit on the side. You deserve better, but not the way you're behaving right now. You are willing to tear apart a family. Do you not see how selfish that is?OP, unless you want to waste the rest of your life, leave him and cut all contact PERMANENTLY. It will hurt, but you will heal. Do not stay as someone's mistress and don't get involved with anyone who isn't single.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (28 October 2017):
 Sorry - wasn't done!
He'll drop you when you start DEMANDING things from him like commitment or for him to free himself up to having a conventional relationship with you. He doesn't want that, so he'll drop you.
If his wife finds out, he'll tell her profusely that you mean NOTHING to him, and that it's just sex, or he doesn't know what got into him, etc.
Your ONLY out now is to drop him for good.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (28 October 2017):
The answer is quite simple:
A cheater's words are WORTHLESS!!!
Everything that comes out of a cheater's mouth isn't worth the oxygen it took to speak them.
He told his wife he loved her as well. How's that working out?? He's cheating on her with you, so obviously if he can't honor a vow he ratified with a gold ring, what makes you think his saying it to you means more than what he said to her??
Only a person's ACTIONS mean anything. His actions are that he has sex with you and remains married to his wife. His worthless words are designed to keep the sex supply available to him.
He'll drop you when you start demanding
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2017): Hi Billy. Not all mistresses are untrustworthy. Sure, some are. But I'm not one of them. I love him and have never once entertained the thought of anyone else in all our years together. Although many people have called me nuts for not keeping my options open. I'm just simply not interested. And I'm not in this for pure sex. I need the relationship experience otherwise it just isn't worth my while. Of course he knows this and plays up to it. If you knew me, you'd be shocked to find out I'm a mistress at all. Actually, I am the ANTI mistress. In the bedroom, I am explosive but in real life, I am kind and sweet. It's almost as if I have two different sides. Kind and sweet and aggressive sex vixen behind closed doors. He has always said I possesses the perfect combination of naughty and nice. To be honest, this is my very first rodeo. I am sure once this ends, I will never do it again as I know now how painful and dead end the situation is. I had no way of knowing this before as I was blinded by the rush, the intoxication of it all. But that's wearing off now and I am seeing that I want more. And he is not willing nor able to give that to me. If he loved me, it would pain him to keep me a secret on the side. And it would scare him that other men are interested and that he could lose me at any time. But it seems he has shielded himself from all of that.
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A
male
reader, PJ Roy  +, writes (28 October 2017):
"he set you up to fail from the beginning because he never had intentions of becoming serious with you"
Did *you* "from the beginning" know for certain that you "had intentions of becoming serious with [him]"?
If he had not made the choice (first) of 'changing his mind', is it conceivable that your, in that case *unbruised* ego, could have made *you* change *your* mind, had he told you "Listen, it is all clear to me now. I love you, you are The One for me. I want to start anew with you... I will divorce, Will you marry me?"
Are you certain that you would have said 'Yes' ?
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (28 October 2017):
 Because, in his own way, he MAY love you. However, he doesn't love you enough to leave his wife so he can be with you and make you his "one and only".
His wife is - quite rightly - his priority. When she finds out about you (which wives inevitably do, given time), he will extricate himself from your life without a second thought. If you want to carry on playing second fiddle until such time, then go for it, but don't kid yourself you are anything other than a little distraction for him. He can - and will - manage without you when given an ultimatum by his wife. Why do you not think you are worth better?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2017): To covet and to take the husband of another woman has a special karma. You don't seem to care about the suffering of his wife and family, because of his infidelity.
You are a willing participant, and complicit in perpetrating the betrayal against his marriage. What did his wife ever do to you?
Think about what she must be feeling knowing another woman is doing everything she can to take her man away; with the full-knowledge he is already taken. If he has kids, how it would break their hearts to watch their family come apart.
So what goes around, comes around. Your suffering isn't complete. More will come when you do find someone whom you think you have all to yourself. Then you will have to undergo the same type of suffering you heartlessly inflicted on another. We pay to play, sweetheart. Your sense of trust and security will now be challenged. How will you be able to trust any other man, when you have also been betrayed?
You know the stats on cheating husbands. They take side-chicks to stroke their huge male-egos and other man-parts. They are cheating, and the love they proclaim is the potion they use to keep you spellbound and transfixed on a relationship that is forbidden. They know how women live by their passion and emotions. Being told they are loved appeals to that part of them that is most vulnerable.
Why should he leave his wife? You've given him everything he has wanted from you, without doing so. He can have his cake and eat it too.
One woman to bear his children, take his name, share his assets, and take care of his home. She loves and cares for him and his offspring; even though the marriage is in trouble. She gives him a good face to hide behind for his family, co-workers, and neighbors. To the community, he is in good-standing. By all appearances, he is a good family-man or husband (on the surface). You're only his dirty secret-playmate. What's love got to do with it?
Love?!! Seriously?!! You rolled the dice, and got snake-eyes!
You made a bad choice. Now it has comeback to bite you. When you give your heart to a married-man; he has the upper-hand from the start. He gets to choose the terms, and decide where things go. If he really wanted to be with another woman to start a new relationship; he would have divorced his wife first. Then he would have been free and emotionally-available to give himself to anyone he chooses.
He's a natural-born player. He knows exactly all the words to say that you want to hear. He knows once you've got a woman by the heart, you nearly own her soul. Her love is very strong and he can manipulate you with it. Sex is also intoxicating and addictive. So he's got you hooked!
Gather your courage and strength. Cut him loose. It's not supposed to be easy. That's part of the karma!
The withdrawal from the detachment-process will be excruciating; but that's how it feels to let go of an addiction "cold-turkey." He's a bad-habit, and he has poisoned your system. Now you have to force your subconscious-mind to accept that this is the end.
Let your brain takeover, and handle this with logic and your common-sense. You've learned a grave lesson; but you will also grow stronger once you're on the other side of this. Place your heart on standby.
Your emotions are going haywire, because the situation is futile. He has no intention of leaving the woman he really loves. Your purpose was to fulfill his carnal needs, boost his self-esteem; and to satisfy his corrupted and over-active sense of entitlement. He thinks he's a stud.
Karma is a bitch! It ends when you purposely make amends. Your redemption comes through being good to yourself; and respectful of his wife, and boundaries. Learning not to pursue or steal, that which is not yours. Trusting yourself, by knowing that you are capable of finding someone single and available; based on your own value, merit, and character. You're a good person who took a wrong turn. Now you're paying for it. Good also comes from suffering.
Start the healing process. Let him go. I read somewhere that "pain is weakness leaving the body!" The hurt is only temporary. You'll either learn and realize how wrong what you've done is; or you will prolong your suffering. That would only be; because you will not accept the responsibility for the pain you've caused yourself and his wife. You're paying the price for your selfishness. He's got his coming too! The longer it is delayed, the worse it will be!
His wife and family may not know about you; but her intuition is strong enough to have suspicion when her husband is cheating. Like water, the truth will leak as soon as it finds a crack. If he is clever and treacherous enough to hide his cheating from his wife, or bold enough to do it in spite of her painful knowledge; you've wasted your love on a wicked and cruel man. Just wait until he finds his own karma! Just wait!
He'd cheat on you, just as he has double-crossed her! Only, your feelings are really irrelevant. He has a wife, and maybe a family. Their feelings are what matters. They are the ones most betrayed.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (28 October 2017):
 Because talk is cheap.
" I love you ". " You don't look one day older than 40 "
" Of course, I'll give you back your 100 bucks as soon as I get paid ".
Some people would only say something if they really really mean it, feel it, think it- and some other people would say whatever is easier/simpler/more convenient / gets them the result they want.
Anyway, even in the case of someone who is totally sincere, totally genuine (... as seldom married man are, since they have necessarily to become skilled in the art of deception, to keep deceiving their families ) " I love you " does not necessarily mean " I am going to change my life for you ".
It may mean something along the lines of " I love you how you make me feel, I love the emotions and sensations that you give me, I love you how you make my life more fun and interesting ". But- apparently their life is not so boring and un-interesting that they want to change it completely.
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (28 October 2017):
He tells you he loves you to keep the sex coming. With you he is eating his cake and having it. Continue you waste your life on this guy. Maybe his wife will find out and kick him to the curb then perhaps he’ll come to you.
Of course you could be like the other woman who wrote into Dear Abby about the dangers of being the other woman. After ten year as the side chick her married lovers wife found out and divorced him. She was elated til he told her he was seeing someone else because he couldn’t trust a woman who would sleep with a married man.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (28 October 2017):
 Married men say what their mistress wants to hear because they know that will keep the woman with them. The man feeds the woman enough of a line to keep her hanging on. Does he love you? Maybe. Maybe not. Only he knows. I can tell you that the odds of him leaving his life/home/family for you are slim to none. So how long are you going to hang on waiting for a man who really isn't yours? Wake up sweets..smell the coffee.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (28 October 2017):
 Honestly, OP?
YOU are the one who set yourself up to fail. By "seeing" a married man and then hoping he would dump the wife for you if you two got serious.
YOU made the choice to "date" a married man.
The MOMENT he took back the "I will leave her for you" is the moment you should have walked away. Because there IS no future for you there - unless being a side-chick is your goal in life.
And yes, I get that people come to a point where they feel deeply for someone. IT is possible to LOVE someone and NOT be with them.
And yes, he PROBABLY fed you the "I will leave my wife for you" line in order to KEEP you around, to keep you hooked on him. But in all honesty... did you think he would lie to you? After all, he is lying to his wife constantly... why not lie to you?
Take some responsibility for your OWN actions. You can't control what he CHOOSES to do, say or feel. All you CAN control is yourself.
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