A
female
age
36-40,
*icky2k35
writes:Hello I have a problem with my husband never wanting sex anymore we have been together 6 years and married just over a year ago and now have two children together.in the beginning we were sex maniacs and he couldn't get enough of me now he never wants to i think he's going off me please help I know people say it gets less in time but I feel so unwanted I'm thinking its because I put on a lot of weight with two close together pregnancies and hes not attracted to me anymore x Reply to this Question
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female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (2 November 2017):
 You should sit down and talk to your husband about everything you're feeling, but always speak in a calm, non-emotional and rational manner.
The harsh truth is, men do not know how to handle an overly emotional woman very well.
You are who you are and from a biological standpoint, it's very normal for women to behave as they do, so too men.
The real issue is, neither understand the other's full biological differences very well.
Your husband may be bothered by his own demons or by something to do with you, but again, it's time to find out.
When i am bothered by something, by anything, which isn't too often, i always go straight to my husband and i share with him.
We have a truly wonderful, open and loving marriage whereby i always share my feelings/thoughts with him and he's almost always obliging.
If you are rational, logical and behave maturely in the way you come across, you have a much better chance of him willing to hear you out.
His response? Well, that's anybody's guess really.
As other readers have mentioned, it may be a host of reasons why his sex drive has diminished in general, or for you.
You don't know the real reason and it may not be because of you and your having put on weight.
You've had babies and if he's a good, loving and committed husband, this seriously shouldn't be the problem and even if it bothered him to such a degree, out of concern for you, or because he'd love to see the old you again, well, he should make note of that in the most polite manner possible.
If your husband is shallow enough to be turned off by sex with you, simply because you've gained a few pounds, well that's ridiculous.
Where is his love for you, his loyalty to you, as his wife?
Do most couples just decide that they want out, as soon as one gains too much weight?
NO! For the most part, most couples do not throw each other to the curb.
In the West specifically, it's unfortunately the social expectation and norm for people to make comments regarding "overweight or fat" people.
We are by large, very superficial and shallow.
There are many cultures whereby, the bigger the better, so you can see that this is very much a form of social conditioning.
Unfortunately, in the West, most people don't look at being overweight as being too attractive, glamorous and/or sexy.
I work in the medical/health industry and weight loss is always encouraged if it's to assist a patient to improve their health, because as most of us know, weight gain also means more health risks at play, but we don't tell a patient, oh by the way, you'd look much more attractive if you lost all that weight.
From a professional standpoint, it's not my place to say that, even if i was thinking that internally.
Why can't your husband be more understanding and polite toward you?
This is what you must ask him and find out for yourself, because we don't know him personally.
I have always surmised that a husband or wife, who pushes their spouse away because of weight gain is rather shallow and egotistical.
I have always been of very slim build and now in my 40s i still am, however, my husband has often told me, even if i were overweight and had acne, he'd still love me, because he fell in love me, my soul, my entirety.
He doesn't just love my physicality alone.
A man who sincerely loves and appreciates you should always be supportive and if he cannot be, for whatever reason, it's time to talk and work through the issue/s.
Also, i'm getting off the topic a bit here, however, as i was reading through the other responses, i noticed one female readers reply.
I do agree with much of what she and a few other readers stated.
If you feel you would like to lose weight, do it and if you do it, do it because you want to and because it makes you feel better about yourself.
You should aim to please your spouse, to a certain degree and vica versa, however, you shouldn't be made to feel subjected to rejection, because you've gained weight.
Did you know?
All the famous people, specifically all these famous women you see out there, they do not all have children and look like twiggy straight after having given birth.
Those who believe this are naive.
It's a well known fact that most women have to exercise with a personal trainer after having had children, to end up looking their very best again.
The rich and famous aren't exempt from this.
For some it may happen and for some not so much.
It all depends upon many individual factors.
Also, it's just like looks and physical appearance.
Most actors, models, etc;, they don't wake up in the morning looking like a million dollars.
You only have to check out many of the before/after shots of most to see this.
True, natural beauty is actually quite rare and most have to work on looking their best.
This is why the beauty industry is so overwhelmingly popular and why it makes squillions of dollars.
I remember watching a TVSN advert regarding women of the 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s and 60s on tv.
The lady talking, she mentioned that the reason most actresses of the day looked so beautiful on camera, was simply because of the makeup, lighting and camera angles.
She then showed images of many of these famous actresses with and without makeup on and i was truly surprised, to say the least.
The same goes for women who enter the Miss Universe pageants, most of these women have had one thing or another done.
Many even head to Russia to have their legs lengthened, so that they become taller prior to entering pageants or modelling.
Don't just take my word for it. Check it out for yourself and you'll see that most people aren't born picture perfect.
The same goes for the porn industry.
Well, i've read a number of times that most of the men/women have had bits and pieces enhanced, their genitalia is even "made up" prior to filming.
Nothing in our world is totally free of fabrication to some degree.
Even those who are very overweight or classified as morbidly obese often opt for lap band surgery or stomach stapling, because trying to lose so much excess weight of their own accord, especially fast, is almost impossible.
What's my point and what's the morale to my story?
You are normal and you are a human being with your own imperfections as we all do.
Your husband should learn to love and embrace you as you are and perhaps he could kindly and lovingly encourage you to shed a bit of weight if he's that concerned about you.
He may very well like the idea of you being your old, slimmer self again, but if that's the case, then he ought tell you.
He should remember to be more supportive/constructive, rather than come across as demeaning.
Perhaps you can also try working on your physical appearance, if you'd like to try bringing back some spark and chemistry into your marriage, but only if you want to and so should your husband!
He isn't perfect, yet you don't push him away, so why he you?
Talk to him about "real life", because like many people out there, he's living in fantasyland.
I wish you all the best.
A
female
reader, 02DuszJ +, writes (30 October 2017):
 To Been there now over it- maybe your wife should refuse to touch you when you put a few pounds round your midriff.. ?It's widely known that baby weight does not always just fall off if you work out a bit. It's incredibly difficult
All the OP can do is look after her health and kids- better appearance will follow there should be no pressure to become a model/ actress wannabe- yeah of course make some effort, but if you are already attractive a few pounds seldom make someone unattractive! For the person who loves them anyway..
Obviously men are visual and primal but some of them have more depth and look at less racy magazines than others..
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2017): Did someone here seriously suggest that being attractive has a damn thing to do with being abused ?That is extremely sexist and demeaning The reason those womenWho have come forward happen to beAttractive is that 99 percent of females trying to break into the movie industry in Hollywood HAVE to be attractive to even have a shot . the oddsOf a abusive director having access to attractive females is incredibly high . There is simply no link between a woman's attractiveness and abuse because sexual assault is an act of POWER not an assessment of women's looks !!!!Op a lot of people seem to think it's acceptable to imply a woman should look how she did the day she met the man she's with forever . Well guess what ? Nobody stays eternally young . Nobody If your with a man who thinks that way ? HE has psychological problems and you need to remove yourself from his presence . In the very least his is extremely unintelligent and has allowed himself to be brainwashed by our youth and porn obsessed culture and at worst he is abusive Either way , isn't it best to find your own path if you find a man who makes an excuse about how 'men are primal ' or who ignores you ?There's a whole lot more to life than these type of men and a whole lot of nicer people out there to meet . Stop letting him hold you back
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female
reader, Vicky2k35 +, writes (29 October 2017):
Vicky2k35 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much everyone I will have a good chat with him tonight but he always says he doesn't know why he's like this he is the worker I stay at home I could just put it down to him been tired but even on days off etc he brushed me off I don't nag for sex I do give it a try touching egg but knock backs usually and I then cry myself to sleep or get into bed and cuddlenone of my babies I love him so very much and miss having intimacy x
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A
male
reader, Been there Now over it  +, writes (29 October 2017):
It is widely taught that people are supposed to be above considering another's appearance, especially when something like weight gain has come on unavoidably due to pregnancy.
But guys are very primal and want a woman who they consider attractive, and a wife who they think is as hot as she was the day they met. You currently see this in the news when looking at the photos of all the attractive women who have recently come forward as having been abused by male celebrities. All these women are attractive. You're husband probably isn't an abuser, but he undoubtedly remembers the attractive gal he married and how great she looked on her wedding day.
Also at play here may be the problem you've alluded to in regard to sex diminishing over time. And third, he may now see you more as a mom than a sex partner, which especially often happens when a woman suddenly starts concentrating on her children and loses some of the focus she previously had on her own appearance. And hubby often gets less attention, too. I can't tell you how many women I've seen who have have cut their hair short so that it is lower maintenance. On paper, a good idea. In the bed, a very poor one. Guys call this "Butching Out."
So, first of all, lose the weight. Start dressing more like you used to. Make yourself just as beautiful as you were before. You may want to start dressing a bit more provocatively, especially on days you want sex, so that he will again see you as that sexy girl and not so much as a mom. Also, you may want to introduce some new things to the bedroom, such as toys or costuming. In short, be sexy and interesting! Good luck with this!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2017): I don't think any of these people can answer that question but your husband. Could it be the weight? Maybe, but just as likely not. I think that is jumping to conclusions. It could easily be much more to do with the stress of having two under two, as they say. Another thing that many men apparently go through is a change in seeing their wives as sexual to seeing them as a mother. Of course, you can be both sexual and motherly and you are both. But, for some men, this adjustment to viewing their partner as motherly means that they no longer view them as sexually as they did before. That is really a man's messed up psychology and in no way do I agree with it, but that is the reality that some men have trouble with. Google it for more information.You need to sit down and have an honest talk about why your sex life is declining. Don't panic though, it COULD just be a natural decrease as you say you have been together a long time, and people go through stages of the relationship and it might bounce back up again! Be gentle and open to hearing what he has to say. Sit down with him and ask him if there is a reason he doesn't want sex as much, and what things the two of you can do together to rekindle the spark. Maybe a getaway for two or maybe some new lingerie...etc.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (28 October 2017):
 Oh yeah, most definitely it's because of the close-together pregnancies. If you put on a lot of weight, plus the chaos of both a newborn plus a baby on the threshold of becoming a toddler, that can tax even the best of sex lives.
The barrier to fixing this is what's keeping the two of you from fixing the issue, and that's how sensitive of a subject it is. What would your response be if he were honest and said that you gained a lot of weight and is now less attractive?? You already know you gained the weight. You already know the hit to your self-esteem it's taking.
The issue isn't the problem itself...the issue is to get both of you TOGETHER to solve the problem while still raising two small children. It's easy to graze eat while raising the kids, and comfort eat when you're feeling stressed or depressed.
Your husband and you should have a heart to heart and come up with a game plan to get back your love life, get back your health, and he's stressed as well! Having more mouths to feed can mean stress as well, so it's not all your weight.
Schedule some date time if you can! Have a couple of hours where it's not all baby clothes, extra laundry, and domestic stuff. Remind him that you're the woman he married as well as Mom.
As for your weight, you already know the issue here. You're no longer pregnant, so the weight can melt off as effectively as it added on while pregnant. Just evaluate the snacks you are buying, the food you're eating, even the waiting until you're ravenous because of the chaos of motherhood! Plan for the week what you'll be able to have as meals AND what you can grab in a pinch for a snack (i.e. an apple rather than a chocolate bar)
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A
male
reader, PJ Roy  +, writes (28 October 2017):
"I know people say it gets less in time but I feel so unwanted"
You do have the knowledge. That's great.
If you were on a Best Wife in The World pageant, and were asked the question, "On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate the level of 'creativity' *you* bring to the relationship, and why?"
what would you respond? How much of 'your All' do you give it?
If you can confidently and truthfully respond that you totally give it your all, no matter what happens, you ought not to have any regrets.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2017): Possibly, it's the weight. It's really not always that simple, sweetheart. Don't turn to self-blame so quickly.
He's the one not performing his duties in the bedroom.
Have you talked to him about your love-life? Did you have a child before you got married? Sometimes men will marry the woman who has born his children; but that doesn't necessarily mean he wants to be married. He's fulfilling a responsibility to the child.
Does he hate his job? Are you having financial-difficulties? If he feels overwhelmed and trapped, he will not feel sexy or attractive himself. Does he work two-jobs? Work alternating-shifts, and a lot of over-time? He may only be exhausted. He has a family to support. Do you work also?
Body-image is very important to women. It is a very sensitive area. We can say very encouraging things like how terrible he is, if he doesn't accept you for who you are. He's a total ass-wipe for feeling less attracted to you; after being the very reason for putting your body through its changes. Life is unfair, sometimes. So we try to deal with it, and work it out. Love is supposed to give us what it takes to do that. Trust is what fuels our love and devotion to one person indefinitely.
Marriages and sex-lives require maintenance and general upkeep. That requires communication. It requires creativity, and reciprocity. It takes a lot of patience and determination. You are newlyweds. Even if you've been together a long time prior. Marriage is different. It's more confining/restrictive and exclusive. Requires more responsibility.
It's very unfortunate, but there are men who get turned-off by weight-gain. It's a fact of life. They don't feel sexually-attracted to the visible features of extra-weight. I'm not going to lie and condescend to your intelligence. I will say, let that be the last factor to consider. You don't know for sure; so don't assume stuff that upsets you.
You've had a baby before, you're still young, and there are too many other factors to consider before you blame it on yourself. He knows women naturally gain weight with and after pregnancy; and it takes a little time to lose it. That is, if you choose to. You are still the lovable attractive woman you always were; even if you keep the weight. Then he's the problem, not you! What's going on in his mind, is what you need to know? Don't try to read his mind. TALK!
Fortunately, those picky weight-conscious jerks are in the minority; because most men are going through physical-changes right along with you. What about his body? Has he lost his hair, grown a pudgy middle; or maybe he can't keep-up a strong erection? Can he see his own penis, or is his pot-belly in the way? Some guys try to hide their erectile-dysfunction, and some are secretly addicted to porn.
Don't you dare shoulder all the blame!!! Place some responsibility on him. You're busy being his wife, and mothering his kids. Don't start internalizing or personalizing everything that goes wrong in the marriage. Find out what's going on in his head! He's neglecting you, not the other way around.
Withholding sex and affection from your spouse or partner without an explanation will only lead to distrust and suspicion. You can quote me on that. When he suddenly doesn't want sex, what are you supposed to think? Is he cheating, is he sick, is he under undue stress; is he constantly worried about the finances? What, what, WHAT???
You have to have an in-depth conversation about the issues in your marriage. You have to know the state of your union. Discuss how he's feeling about himself; both as a man, and a provider. No matter how awkward or uncomfortable it is. You have to seek your answers from the source. We don't know your husband.
Wearing sexy lingerie and dressing up like a naughty-nurse isn't always the answer to problems in the bedroom. Lets be real! Some things go deep. They're painful to hear; but you still have to know...why? Then you'll know what to do to resolve the problem; or what action to take regarding the marriage.
There are men who internalize and refuse to have open discussion about their role in a relationship. Those men were the same during courtship; and marrying someone like that is a big mistake. The don't change. You never know where you stand. You can't fix things, and you feel like you're roommates; instead of a married-couple. Sometimes you have to pack your bags and go home to mother, until he is ready to talk. You want to leave your parents out of it; but always keep all options on the table. This is serious. It hurts your feelings. Your needs are neglected.
Men don't hold weight like women, and we loose it quicker. Sexual-attraction doesn't always rest strictly on your appearance or body-type. It also comes with love, emotional-connection, and need for affection. There are usually other factors that compound his loss of libido or sex-drive. If he is getting older, his testosterone-level may be lower. In some men, that can start as early as 35. Some even in their twenties; if they smoke, are over-weight, never exercise, or drink too much. Erectile-dysfunction comes from several things. Side-effects from medication, undetected diabetes, and too much masturbation. Yes, too much porn use!
Be direct and ask him. Have a reasonable, calm, and adult conversation. Don't be confrontational or accusatory. Some women can't communicate with men; because they get too emotional. They start crying, pick fights, and or insist on making accusations. Who's going to put-up with that?
Ask him if he is having an affair. If there is something he wants to tell you, but feels you can't handle it? Tell him exactly how you feel, and why you feel that way. You've got to bring the problem out into the open. You have to tell him how you feel; even if he will not answer your questions. He leaves you to guessing, and emotions will usually draw the wrong or worse conclusions.
Husband's who ignore their spouses; and can't talk to their wives about problems in their marriage, don't belong married. They usually don't want to be, and are just going through the motions. They get married only because they need a housekeeper, cook, incubator, and sex-partner. They have little much use for women. They belong alone, and should die lonely old forgotten-men. Buried in their own excrement.
You have to ask him what's wrong. Tell him that if you can't discuss it, you're left to draw your own conclusions. Considering he is your husband, and the father of your children; it would only leave you to think the worse. That hurts! It destabilizes the family and your marriage.
We often tell people go to marital-counseling; but we have to consider your financial-situation, and the unwillingness of your spouse to cooperate. In cases where a man refuses to work with you in any way to save your marriage; you have to divorce him. His refusal means he doesn't care about the state of the relationship. He isn't happy being in it.
You have little other choice.
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A
female
reader, 02DuszJ +, writes (28 October 2017):
I would just ask him. You're husband and wife and should be able to trust each other with your emotions and problems.
Maybe he is depressed or overwhelmed with his life, having a mid-life crisis, even an affair. But it's not acceptable for him to keep you in the dark or sulk around not communicating with you.
Be tender and gentle and let him know whatever's on his mind he can talk to you about it. LEt him know how it makes you feel.
If he is rude about your body well remind him that your body has been through a hell of a lot and some of that weight is just part of you.. He made a commitment to you and I don't think a *bit of extra weight is a justifyable turn off if someone TRULY loves you. It's different if you're gorging yourself to an early death of course.
He has no right to dictate to you what you *should* look like.He married you for you and
I used to work in a bakery and was almost 13 stone at one point.. my bf did mention I was putting on weight and wasn't doing myself any favours, but I could see if was mainly from him wanting me to curb my very unhealthy habits (I was overeating, had issues, was still being a pig") but he still said I drove him wild- our sex life didn't suffer. We did joke i.e. "who ate all the pies etc. :) If he put on weight I would just find it cute would NOT turn me off.
I just strongly believe if you really love someone a few extra pounds aren't going to change that, so there's no reason for the sex to suffer. If it turns out this is the reason- put him in his place, and tell him that all you can do is look after yourself, don't let yourself go- you are NOT required to be his stepford wife/ WAG on his arm.
Remember that. Take care of yourself and your wonderful kids. They are part of you, like any bodily flaw
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A
female
reader, NORA B  +, writes (28 October 2017):
This is a difficult situation for you to handle.As you stated with two close pregnancies,and all the work,and even getting used to both of your live changing with the care and cost of two almost babies.First of all is there anyone family/friend that could give you time out for a couple of hours maybe once or twice a week.Or perhaps a trusted babysitter so that you and your husband could have a night out together.Its so vital that you make ...Me time for you..so that you can catch up by treating yourself to a hair do,buying yourself something new or just talking a long walk,which would help your with your weight.However the situation maybe not be because of you.Would you consider have an indept chat with your husband,telling him how you feel.Could it be a medical problem with your husband,maybe stress.problem at work..or he maybe be finding it difficult adjusting to a new life with two babaies.Also the fact that he is not your main focus anymore.Best Wishes .NORA B.
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A
male
reader, Allumeuse +, writes (28 October 2017):
You might be right. It might be the fact that you have put on weight. It might be many other things. It could be the burdens of parenthood that make him worried and tired. It could also might be a buildup of small resentments between you. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you, but if he does love you he's unlikely to tell you if it's because you have put on weight. You could try asking him but he might not know himself. You could try taking him away from the same old room in the same old house to see if this lifts the weight off his shoulders, you could talk one to one using non blaming statements, calmly and carefully working through any issues you might have to ensure you don't harbour any slights or irritations with each other, and of course, you could lose weight. It's not his husbandly duty to have sex with you if he doesn't want to, just as it isn't a wife's duty to if she doesn't. You are his wife, and he loves you but wouldn't it be worse if you felt he didn't enjoy it but did it anyway? If both of you are unhappy with the way things are it will be easier to find a solution. If he's tired and depressed he needs to help himself before he'll find his libido again. If he's happy as he is and doesn't want to find it. Then you have a problem. You will have to work at this. Hard. There's no point moaning about the 'no sex status quo' and then doing nothing about it. You certainly can't guilt anyone into more sex. Normally the partner who wants more of anything has to do the heavy lifting. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (28 October 2017):
I think you answered your own question. Men can be terribly superficial when it comes to looks.There is also the mommy factor. Some men can’t see their wife as a sex object after she has become a mother especially if he was there for the birth. Or it could be a combination of the to things. And it might be neither. It’s time to sit down and have an honest conversation with him. But be prepared to hear the truth which may not be kind.
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