A
female
age
51-59,
*ueenchar44
writes:Hello all. I really need some advice so here goes..one of my managers at work constantly plays and jokes around with me unlike with any other employee..for example.. he makes sexual comments..he has given me a tight side hug..he gives me compliments on my hair..nails, perfume..he's even notice my socks..the tattoo on my lower calf. When he passes by me, he gives me taps on my back or a squeeze on my shoulder. We always joke and say things that we wouldn't say to anyone else there..one morning he even brought me a granola bar because the day before I said I didn't eat breakfast. He makes it a point to speak to everyone but he shows me special attention. We know conversate outside of work on fb messenger..the only problem is he's married. How do I know if these are flirting signs or just being friendly/playful. He's a nice guy so its hard to tell. He said he's secure in his marriage but what does that mean? What married man conversates with a single woman outside work for 2 hours every night if his marriage is so secure? I must admit I like the attention BUT at the same time I don't want any drama..2 of my good friends even notices how we interact with one another and the chemistry between us..advice please!
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at work, flirt, married man, tattoo Reply to this Question
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female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (3 September 2013):
 Smart woman...leave the rat in his sewer. He obviously has a problem, lets hope it bites him in the arse!!
A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (3 September 2013):
 Glad to hear it. You've made the right decision for your own well being and taking care of yourself - especially since he has a demonstrated history of going after younger women at work.
You don't want or need to be there when it all blows up in his face - and sooner or later, it most likely will!
Wishing you all the best.
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A
female
reader, queenchar44 +, writes (2 September 2013):
queenchar44 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks honey..I feel much better about the decision I made..I know he didn't mean me any good and just wanted to make himself feel good..he got in trouble back in 11 for hitting on some younger girls at work..so I should have known better..I guess all that attention got the best of me.lol anyways I'm moving on..I have several single male friends..
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (2 September 2013):
 Well done, OP. You have saved yourself from a lot of grief.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 September 2013):
 Good for you, because you were wasting your time with him as it was. I don't really think he was looking for friendship from you.
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A
female
reader, queenchar44 +, writes (2 September 2013):
queenchar44 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for the comments ..advice and opinions ..I agree with y'all 100% and I knew what I should do ..I just needed to hear it from someone else..I haven't talked to him via Facebook messenger in 2 days and im going to remove him from my friends list..no more flirting at work only work related convo ..he'll get the picture and move on
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2013): Of course he wants you. And yes he is flirting with you. Probably hoping it leads to something. One of my co workers does the same thing. Constantly flirting at work even though he is a married man and seems happily married at that. As I watched him I always thought the same, that it probably is "innocent" flirting. The other day, for some reason that I will never understand, he started talking to me about his marriage and how everything is great except for the fact that he cheats on his wife. I tried to keep my poker face the whole time even though I was shocked and did not understand why he was telling me this. He said, "I'm a man. I can't control my urges." I just nodded. So anyway, yeah this guy is a cheater and no it is not innocent.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (2 September 2013):
 Because secure does not necessarily mean blissful, fulfilling or exciting. It just means " it's going to stay. The married status is definitely not going to change ". Ergo, the not-so-subliminal message is " I am hitting on you , you may never know...maybe some good fun can come out of this, but don't get any ideas- I am secure in my marriage ".
It does not even have to be a shitty or troubled marriage so the poor man is craving for that affection and intimacy blah blah blah. It might also be , as many marriages are, happy and rewarding 80% of times... and leave a 20 % space of boredom and habit that some vain, ego referred guy may try and fill with flirting / arranging sexcapades with someone new.
So , that answers to why he is flirting with you ( no, he is not just being friendly. If he wanted to be friends, he would not keep it on the downlow, and would not mind , say, calling you over for coffee or drinks with him AND his wife ) . That leaves another question : knowing that he is your boss , so being TOO friendly with him is inappropriate, and most of all knowing that he is married , why do you flirt back, or at least allow him to flirt with you with no attempt of keeping a proper distance ? ...If it's attention you want ( who does not like attention, after all )... shouldn't you try and get it from single guys ?
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (2 September 2013):
I also want to add:
Why do married men cheat?...Because there are always willing fools like you out there to allow them to do it. If all women said NO to married men, we wouldn't have the problem.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (2 September 2013):
You like the attention but you don't want the drama????
You are flirting and conversing with a married man for christs sake...what do you thinks going to happen???
Stop fooling yourself, you want him, plain and simple and you are going to tell yourself all kinds of lies to convince yourself other wise.
He's a married man and probably just enjoys flirting to inflate his ego!! hello!!!!...a lot of men do this all the time...it means NADA!!
He has told you he is secure in his marriage, thats like putting a huge boulder in the road. He wants the attention but NOT the drama!!!...sound familiar??
Quit talking to him for 2 hours each night, so he can give that attention to his WIFE. You are creating the problem because you are putting yourself THERE. So he bought you a granola bar...BIG DEAL!! Stop making it into something it's NOT!!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2013): He's interested in having an affair with you and nothing more. That's why he informed you up front that he's secure in his marriage and has no intention of leaving it due to an affair, an affair he desires with you, nothing more than an affair. Distance yourself because you are falling for him and you will get hurt if you proceed as you are doing, investing more and more of your emotional into him. Nip it in the bud now!
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (2 September 2013):
He's your BOSS, dear. He's not your friend or boyfriend. What does it matter if he "conversates" (I suppose you mean you and he have conversations outside of work? or whether he is "secure" in his marriage or not? All this is irrelevant. He's your BOSS AND he's a married man.
Therefore the kind of interactions you describe are completely inappropriate.
Honeypie tells you to look at YOUR interactions and what you get out of it. She's right.
If you're smart you'll back off - WAY off and have nothing to do with him other than work duties. If you find this too difficult to do, maybe you should look for another job -or else be prepared for all hell to break lose when his wife finds out about these "interactions"........yes, I'm being blunt, I know.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2013): I would like to add something to what Honeypie said. He tells you that he has a secure marriage because some reasons. If one day you and him have an affair, he had told you before that he would not leave his wife for you as he loves his wife. So it will come handy later to him and he can have his way out. He might also feel faulty when he is with you and wants to justify himself and his conscious by telling you that he has a secure marriage, kind of acting and talking in 2 different ways...it helps him to feel less guilty...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2013): When he says his marriage is secure what he means is that he has no intention to ever divorce his wife, so he will just cheat on her instead.
Secure marriage does not mean happy or satisfied or non-dysfunctional marriage. Just means that he is adamant that he will not divorce but will do whatever he wants anyway. Divorce is messy and it is expensive so people want to avoid that.
Of course the wife may choose to divorce him if she knew what he was doing so he will probably go to lengths to hide it from her.
What he wants then is to just have fun with you wihin the confines of keeping it secret from his wife, and to go as far as he can with you but not have it lead to any real relationship
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female
reader, queenchar44 +, writes (2 September 2013):
queenchar44 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBasically other than the attention, I'm getting nothing out of it. I've grown quite fond of him even tho I know nothing can ever happen between us other than something sexual. So I'm well aware of that. He knows I'm not the gossiping type so us talking through facebook every night would never get out. Then again maybe I'm reading too much into this and being friends is his only intention
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 September 2013):
Because men (and women ) like to get their ego stroked, so even if they are happy at home, the WIFE knows him and isn't constantly stroking his ego no more, so to ensure that he still "has it" he will flirt with girls/women who are a non-threat to his marriage.
Maybe the wife isn't home and he wants to kill time?
Maybe the marriage isn't so exciting..
BUT maybe YOU should look at your OWN interactions. THIS is your boss, and guess what... If rumors start flying he is going to be painted the STUD and you the "whore" even if you haven't done a thing, all it takes is for someone to get jealous or upset.
Besides the attention, WHAT do you get out of this? What is YOUR motivation?
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