A
female
age
41-50,
*edchevygal
writes:I have been married to my husband for 11 years now and I am very hurt by the fact he will not perform oral sex on me I give him bjs all the time but he won't ever return the favor. I desire it so much that I often think about cheating to get oral sex also he won't touch my pussy with his hands I am a very clean.I keep the hair well trimmed and still nothing why won't he do these things for me?
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2010): "Wow, haha. Three straight people congratulate the OP on deciding to leave her husband if he won't perform oral sex on her - I've seen many men on this site get absolutely ripped apart and painted as selfish, inconsiderate pigs for even thinking of leaving their significant others because they can't get any oral."
I have to agree. Women here are lauded for "exploring their options" or whatever when cheating or leaving is justified by other women. Guys on the other hand are basted and roasted for the mere thought of it. Double standard bullshit.
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (8 October 2010):
Hi. That's great you had a talk with him about it.
This was what I was talking about earlier, about communicating well with each other. A lot of problems can be resolved by simply talking about it - with respect and love.
Nothing ever got fixed by getting angry, or holding grudges. Those actions only prolong it all.
Just be sure to be ready to discuss it further should it start happening again, and don't give up on it. Remember that old habits first have to be broken, as the new habits are being formed. So it might not return to normal instantly, it will be gradual, but it's certainly worth the patience.
Also while these changes are taking place, it's important to be encouraging and stay positive. For instance, don't criticize him during a love-making session, let him know that you think he's doing a great job. A few comments here and there, and just guide him with your hands - which also shows him what you like. Or you could also verbally guide him as well as using your hands, so it helps him. Let him know if anything feels uncomfortable or hurts (make sure he actually tell him this).
The more you can encourage him, it will help him to feel good about himself and it will help raise his self-esteem as well. When someone feels confident, they act differently than when they don't. In fact, it will probably change his whole personality - in a positive way though. It will have a flow on effect.
If a man thinks he is not performing well in the bedroom, or is comparing himself to the way he thinks other men are, it will affect his self-esteem in all other areas of his life as well. It will even affect how well he does at his job.
One small area of your life that you think you fail in (e.g. making love - men particularly), will make anyone feel as though they are a complete failure. Men often equate their prowess in the bedroom with their worth as a human being. They are never going to express this verbally to anyone, but they will feel it just the same.
This is why I was saying that it is so important that you talk to him - which you have now done. I'm proud of you and what you have had the guts to do. Because what you were seriously considering before this, was to just give up on it altogether. You have done the right thing, believe me - to make the effort.
Never give up on a situation without trying to work things out. And as I was saying at the beginning of this post, having a heart to heart is always one of the best ways to find out what both of you are feeling. Honesty is always the best policy.
Where a lot of relationships often go wrong, is that sometimes people think there's nothing they can possibly say that would ever change things. This is completely inaccurate.
Remember - It's not what you say, but how you say it. The idea is to make the other person feel good about themselves, and for them to not feel as if they are being criticized. That's when you really get your point across, as you have their full attention. Always be respectful and considerate of each other's feelings by being positive.
Good luck in the future. Take care and best wishes.
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female
reader, DenimandLace44 +, writes (7 October 2010):
 Me too! Good for you! :)
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (7 October 2010):
 Good luck with practicing again! I hope it all works out well for you, and I'm pleased you were able to speak to him about it with a hopeful response from him.
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female
reader, natasia  +, writes (7 October 2010):
 I am so pleased you asked him, and I now also feel very mean for having just assumed he was selfish and didn't care (although it might have crossed his mind that you felt a bit unloved ... but then I think quite a lot of men don't really think in this sort of way ...).
I hope it will all be ok now. Good luck : )
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female
reader, redchevygal +, writes (7 October 2010):
redchevygal is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell I finally did it I got brave enough to ask hubby why he no longer touches me in all the right places any more and why he don't perform oral sex. I was surprised at his answers but am very glad I ask he said he is worried that his hands are to rough and might not feel good or possible even hurt me he said he is not trying to with hold oral sex he is just unsure on how to do it and he feels inadequate in his performance I assured him that I would love it no matter how he did it as long as he put forth the effort of course by the time we got done talking it was so late we just went to bed but tonight I'm going to see if he really listened and will try harder to please me thank you for all your help
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female
reader, DenimandLace44 +, writes (7 October 2010):
I agree with male anon...we have a huge double standard here. If a male had posted this and said, my wife wont give me a bj OR a hj...we would have all said to him:
You should never ever pressure her into doing something that she is not comfortable with. We would have said, that he wasnt required to give her oral if he wasnt receiving, but we would have still told him he was being selfish to expect it if she wasnt comfortable giving it. And we wouldnt have suggested that she was a lesbian, bi or at least bi-curious....(and he very well could be, I am not discounting that possibility)
I very seldom disagree with you ladies, in fact I don't know that I EVER have...but I do on this one. And yes I am very aware that my position isnt popular, and I love getting and giving oral so this isnt my hobby horse. I simply think that fair is fair.
The problem I see is that he is barely having sex with her...he is not meeting a need there. The lack of foreplay and the "get over here and take care of business" attitude would be the real problem here and not touching me intimately (not restricted to the pussy)is a huge part of that...The lack of foreplay....THATS what tells me he is selfish.
I say it is a problem, and they need to work it out, or reach a compromise. If it is a deal breaker, then so be it...that is her choice. I am not in her shoes...I dont know the level of her feelings. I do know that being treated bad sexually can lower your self-esteem and damage you greatly, male or female. And I know that sometimes there comes a point in which you feel that the love is gone and you only feel degraded and disrespected by the sex act. Who am I to say you should, or shouldnt leave?
On the other hand, we have crucified men for wanting to leave a marriage simply because they were not receiving oral gratification...and didnt feel appreciated or loved. I only think the next time a male poster has the same equivilent question, lets allow him the same latitude shall we?
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2010): Male reader, anonymous, if you read OP follow ups, it's not just he wont do oral, he is not meeting her needs at all just wants what he wants, and I didn't congratulate on her deciding to leave him, just said make sure you are will to follow through what you say.
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (6 October 2010):
Hello again. You say that he won't touch your pussy with his hands.
Was your sex life with him always like this?
The question I am really asking is, if he was a lousy lover when you met him, why did you stay with him or even marry him? Eleven years is long time.
As well as getting along with a person and having things in common, a very important part of any relationship is to get along well in bed. It's just as important, and if there are ever any problems in that area and nothing is done about it, it will affect every other part of the relationship.
How is the rest of your relationship? Do you have a good rapport with each other? How well do you communicate? Good communication is a very important part of every relationship. You can say anything, but it's not what you say - but how you say it, that counts.
I don't think I asked this in my first posting, but has he had any emotional traumas in his life during your marriage? For example, a recent loss of a job, his parents getting a divorce, the death of someone very close (close family member, best friend). Has he had any health issues?
The reason I say this, is sometimes a major upset in a person's life can sometimes trigger changes in one's behaviour. Sometimes these changes could be of an obsessive nature. Obsession with cleanliness, seeing genitals as somehow unhygienic and full of germs (in their own mind only - not real).
Can you remember if this behaviour of his was always there, OR has it suddenly happened over a short time. Can you pinpoint when it began?
Do you get the impression that if you didn't initiate sex, that he wouldn't, and that it just wouldn't happen at all? For that matter, who does the initiating - you or him?
It's even possible that he has a low sex drive. He might have a low testosterone level. This would definitely make him a lot less in the mood.
It might not be anything to do with selfishness.
In any case, it's always better to try to make an honest effort to improve matters, before you jump to a hasty conclusion of having an affair or leaving him. Those are drastic measures, and not very satisfying.
If you used to get on well in and out of bed, but over a period of time things have deteriorated, then perhaps if you look back to when things were great between you, you might be able to remember what was so good about it then. And also what did you both do then, that you have stopped doing now. There might be some clues. You never know.
Anyway the long and short of it is, don't pull the plug on your marriage without trying to work it out. No, you can't force him to go down on you or threaten him with an affair or leaving him. Ultimatums usually don't work, because it's really emotional blackmail.
I can understand that a lot of people here in your question postings are saying - leave him, he's being selfish. While I agree that on the surface, yes, he appears to be selfish and not considering your feelings, I still believe that there really must be more to it than that.
Quite often, problems in the bedroom often start outside of the bedroom - nothing to do with sex at all. The clue is often in how well you communicate with each other.
(1) Do you really listen to each other? In the same room, face to face.
(2) Do you like each other?
(3) You probably love each other, but do you still like each other?
(4) When you talk, what kind of tone do you both use - Do you nag, criticize, yell at, be sarcastic?
(5) Do you carry grudges?
(6) What about the silent treatment? This means resentment - silence instead of saying what's really on your minds.
(7) Do you respect each other?
Please have a really good think about everything before you make your final decision.
Eleven years is a big chunk out of your life to just give up without trying to work things out. It is surely worth it to try. It might not be easy, but give it a go. Every problem has a solution, and I do suggest trying to improve the way you communicate first. Then go from there.
Maybe both of you just don't feel special anymore. You probably both feel like you are being taken for granted. When that happens (as it often does), the spark and passion can often seem to disappear. One big problem is often made up of a whole lot of very small problems combined.
Hope this is helpful to you. Good luck. Take care.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2010): Wow, haha. Three straight people congratulate the OP on deciding to leave her husband if he won't perform oral sex on her - I've seen many men on this site get absolutely ripped apart and painted as selfish, inconsiderate pigs for even thinking of leaving their significant others because they can't get any oral.
I for one love going down on my girl, so I really can't understand or condone the OP's husband's refusal to give her oral sex, but the hypocrisy here really astounds me.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (6 October 2010):
Hey, best wishes to you. I hope he wakes up and realizes he's about to lose you! Don't forget to look to getting some expert help if this is a struggle for you--a qualified, competent couples counselor should be a good resource to have on tap.
Good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2010): Make sure you are willing to follow through if need be.
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female
reader, natasia +, writes (6 October 2010):
Wow - well done - if you have the strength to do that, you are already halfway there - this is just exactly what you need to do with him. Good luck! And it will work out either way - either he will wake up and be fair, or you will be free of his selfish ways and happy with someone else.
His call.
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female
reader, redchevygal +, writes (6 October 2010):
redchevygal is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the advice you have given me I see now that if I want satisfied in the bedroom I'm just going to have to put my foot down and just tell him that he is not meating my needs and that if he loves me and wants me in his life then he is going to have to stop being so selfish and learn to treat me equal in sex and life or I'm going to need to leave for my own sake of being happy you all have helped me so much
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female
reader, natasia +, writes (5 October 2010):
Looking through the other comments you have made as well, it sounds to me, sadly, as if he just uses you to fulfil his needs, and it really isn't a reciprocal relationship at all. You give, on demand, and he just takes. He isn't interested in your pleasure, sexual or sensual, and he isn't interested in cherishing your body (or soul) in any way.
I'm sorry. It is very lonely to be in that kind of situation. And as you say, a date with a plastic toy is hardly a fulfilling experience. More like brushing your teeth.
I don't know how much you love him, but I'm afraid I think you are probably just not going to get him to change. He would need to want to.
Leave him - he'll probably then make a bit of an effort. But still - sorry - I don't know why - he sounds just so kind of selfish and in his own groove. He just isn't making any effort at all. With men in that situation the only thing that has any effect is a sharp wake-up call, but even then they have a tendency to revert to their old ways after a bit of time. : (
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (5 October 2010):
I also noticed that you said he won't even touch you with his hands. So the ONLY thing he touches your vagina with is his penis? Does he thinks its some kind of magic wand, and that all he has to do is wave it in your general direction and you'll orgasm from that?
The man has some issues. My guess, he's not entirely heterosexual. He should be finding pleasure in your body and worshiping it in the same way he expects his to be worshiped. The fact that he won't even TOUCH you is indicative of a problem. Either he finds it repulsive because he's got a phobia or he's homosexual OR he's a very selfish person. I would imagine that this dysfunction in the bedroom would spill out into other aspects of your life and relationship.
Well, you know he's not likely to change. So you have to decide that you can live with this, or perhaps you need to make some changes yourself. And what changes would those be? Some self-examination about your happiness with the totality of your relationship and marriage could deliver the answer to you. Look into sex therapy and marriage counseling. You can go even if he chooses not to, it would help you understand your situation and how it is that you have put up with this for so many years.
Good luck to you as you decide what to do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2010): People can disagree with me all they like, to say that he shouldn't have to do what he doesn't want to is one thing, but to say it's okay for him to demand something and not give it in return is another altogether.
I stick by my original statement to be honest. There is no way I would give a girl head if she flat out refused to ever give me head. Simple as that, she shouldn't have to do something she shouldn't want to do that's true, but if giving me head is one of those things when she's already shown she will do it, then I won't want to give her head either so the same applies to me.
It's about equality and fairness in my opinion. We all do things we don't necessarily like to please our partners, it's called sacrifice and compromise. Just to flat out accept he doesn't want to but still expects you to do it for him, is not equality in a relationship that's him having it all his own way.
It's not forcing or coercing, to ask for equality or to have your sexual needs met as much as the other person. This isn't using sex as a tool to get what you want, it's not giving something because you're not receiving. For example my girlfriend loves receiving oral during her menstrual cycle, she's far more sensitive down there, it relieves cramps, relieves her tension and actually stems/stops the flow of blood. Now I find the idea of that repulsive but I will do it nonetheless, why? because it's important to her, her pleasure and happiness is important enough for me to want to do things that are disgusting to me just to give her back what she gives me.
Why should he be the only one in the relationship that gets to have oral?
Oral, manual and intercourse are staples of any sexual diet.
You shouldn't have to force someone to do something for you as heart shaped balloon said but if they're not willing to make a sacrifice for you then you shouldn't make one for them.
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male
reader, mrvhappy +, writes (5 October 2010):
Hi there,
Have you asked him why he doesnt give you oral?
Next time you give him a BJ, why dont you adopt the 69 position...that way maybe yr needs will be met!!
Alternative, why dont your go "Hollywood" down there...I'm sure he will go down on you then!!
Good Luck
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female
reader, redchevygal +, writes (5 October 2010):
redchevygal is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi several people have ask me if he use to perform oral sex and stopped or just never done it. He has done it maybe 5 times in our 13 years together and that was in the 2 years that we were dateing after we got married most all four play stopped now instead of four play he just says to me (are you going to get over here and get busy) he fulfills his needs and that's it if I want a orgasam I wait till he goes to work and break out the trusty old toy but nothing is like the real thing
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male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (5 October 2010):
 The question is whether his problem is personal or cultural.
There are some cultures where cunnilingus is simply off limits. If you ever watched the TV show The Sopranos, a man doing that was somehow less than a man. No, I don't get it either, but that was their culture.
As for the personal, well, there are some things that people simply can't do. He might find the whole idea simply beyond the pale. Some people find certain things just beyond limits. Cunnilingus might be for him as offensive as golden showers. As much as you consider it mainstream and expected, it might just be as 'out there' as some things you might find odd. It wouldn't hurt to talk about it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2010): lol I personally love it. This guy clearly may even have some psychological issues about giving. Maybe some bad past experiences? Or maybe ur so good at it he feels he may not be able to give as good back? Sometimes its a performance issue and our male egos get in the way.
In regards to cheating to get oral. Ive done that. I was with a religious girl who I went down on a lot but she never did to me as I respected her bleiefs and never ever coerced her into trying. I went and took care of business and had rather damn good time in doing so lol. However, I should have ended the relationship in order to get my needs met. I felt no remorse but looking back it was perhaps selfish and should have just broken things off as I was not sexually satisified in taht way. Good luck
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reader, heart-shaped-balloon +, writes (5 October 2010):
 I don't agree with the "give to receive rule". You should never have to force or coerce someone into doing something sexual with you that makes them uncomfortable. What would you do if you hated anal and he craved it? Would you want him taking things away just to MAKE you do it? It's unmoral. Sex should be enjoyed by everyone involved. Definitely let him know you are not satisfied, however. He might be more than willing to find some alternative that pleasures you as well without making him uncomfortable. Men hate feeling like they are underperforming during sex.Just because you are comfortable giving oral will never mean he is. If you AREN'T comfortable, then I say stop doing it. There is no reason to put yourself out there if he won't do the same. I hate people who use sex as a manipulative tool to get what they want. That's when it stops being a loving act and all about self pleasure.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2010): What I wouldn't do to have a girl that gives me BJs regularly, or WITHOUT HAVING TO WEAR A STUPID CONDOM! I absolutely understand you, I have the same problem but in reverse... Maybe a little less one-sided. I do get them, but once in like a 1-2 months period, and I HAVE TO WEAR A CONDOM, if I don't, she just WON'T DO IT. Nothing I do will make her change her mind, NOTHING.
What I'm trying to say is that, if he doesn't do it because he doesn't like it, then maybe he will never do it. It may be because he doesn't like the sticky feeling when your natural lube gets on his mouth. If that's the case, you're pretty much screwed because that is exactly what my girlfriend hates, and she will never change, as she continually tells me.
Maybe he doesn't do it because you never ask for it, in that case, he's not a mind-reader (I think), so maybe he thinks you're not into it.
Whatever it is the reason, you have to talk to him about it, that's only way you'll be able to solve things, whether you get what you want or not.
Hope I helped. Good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2010): No more bj's for hubby. Seriously he has to give to receive.
Has he ever given you those things or is this just a new development? because frankly if he's never done these things for you I don't know how you will get him to start.
Talk to him if you haven't already, something tells me you have and he just brushes it off.
Well here's what you do:
First off there has to be a bj embargo, don't offer and if he asks just use the same excuses he gives you. Seriously no more bj's until you start getting some regularly. None. He wants sexual satisfaction then he has to start giving you some.
Secondly buy a good vibrator, if you already have one buy a new better one and use it. You have to get your pleasure somewhere right? If he's not going to do it then you have to use a machine. Use it before or during the time you'd usually have sex, or give him bj's, then just go to sleep when you're done. If he doesn't cop on and start to see how hurtful it is for his wife to get off without wanting to give him any, then you have far bigger problems.
You might have to cut off sex altogether to get him to understand.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2010): being as im the type of guy that doesnt mind that stuff but ill tell you what my fiance does. if i go too long without doing that to her then she literally climbs up on my chest when im laying down and 'forces' me to, playfully of course. depending on your husbands personality he might think you being dominant is hott and get into it. i dont think anything bad could come from trying by thats my personality so you'd have to think about his first.
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (4 October 2010):
Hi there. You really do have to discuss this with him. There's nothing else for it really.
You haven't said if he used to do this, and now doesn't want to.
I really suggest that you don't have the discussion in the bedroom when you are about to make love. That's the wrong time. It will just stir things up, you'll both get uptight and nothing will happen at all.
When you are relaxing in the lounge room watching television, or just sitting with the tv off, bring up the subject then. Let him know how it makes you feel, and that it makes you feel undesirable. And simply ask him if there is something wrong or that is worrying him.
Really it's a case of being open and honest with each other, then find some middle ground and see what he'll agree to try.
If you never discuss it with him, then nothing will change. Also by saying nothing at all, he might be assuming that everything is ok. He has to be told.
But please, when you do tell him, be respectful and consider his feelings, as you don't want to get into an argument over it. That only makes it worse.
In fact when you do talk, also ask him what he would like you to do to him. Making love has to be a two-way thing. There has to be give and take on both sides. Both of you have to be happy.
The longer you leave it, the worse it's going to get. You are already unhappy about it now. You are starting to feel resentment towards him. If you allow that resentment to grow without addressing the problem, over time that could spell the beginning of the end for your marriage.
Honest really is the best policy.
Hope this helps you. Take care and best wishes.
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reader, natasia +, writes (4 October 2010):
because he just won't.
unfortunately some men are like that. lord knows how you get him to do it. i doubt he will go for sex therapy. maybe tell him you will find someone else to do it if he won't. but that kind of ultimatum is always bad.
: (
you might just have to do without.
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