A
female
age
36-40,
*onfusednhurt23
writes:HiI am new to this. I just did not know where else to turn. I have no one else to discuss this with. My boyfriend and i have been together 3 years. He is considerably older than me but it has never been an issue for either of us. WE get on very well and have much in common. The problem is he has signed up to dating sites he gives other women his mobile number and calls and texts them explicit meassages as well as photos of himself. Something he rarely does with me. I had previosuly caught him twice and he broke into tears and promised me he loved me and he wouldn't do it again. The 2nd time i caught him at it again he even said he wanted to marry me and loved me an couldn't imagine his life without me. Now i find out he's done it yet again. It only took 4months since the last time for him to start doing it again.He is 53 has never really had a successful long term relationship no more than 6 years in which he cheated on them, never got engaged or married. He never told them he wanted to marry them either, so he says. So that is why i believed him when he said it to me....mistake probablyNow this time the 3rd and last i find out hes been texting these women explicitly again i've had enough. He tells me he has a problem and he wants to change and get help as he can not stand to lose me and will do whatever it takes. He is looking into finding a counsellor to help him. I am skeptical as im sure you can imagine. However this time he has given me entire control over his mobile phones, i get the bills and dictate what he can and can't do. He is even calling them tomorrow to tell them not to contact him again as he has a girlfriend and should never have contacted them in the first place. He is even getting the mobile network to block their numbers as well.I am just confussed he seems to genuinely mean he wont do it again, but he did the last time, the control and going to seek help is the only difference. Is this enough? Should i believe him now or do i waste another 3 years to be hurt again and realise their really isnt a future for us?He says he only does it because he is bored, he is self employed and works from home but business is very slow, he has to be completely reliant on me due to very unfortunate financial circumstances at the moment and he has no family now. All the stressful situations that we are both facing seems to make his problem worse.I am all he has got and i have done everything for him and supported him continually. So its an even more of a kick in the teeth to be betrayed when there is nothing more i could possibly do for the man.Apart from this we have a very loving relationship and i love him very much, this is why it is so hard to understand and for me to come to a decision, so many things are so good, but i owe it to myself to find someone who really truely loves me and im doubting that he does right now.He also has a problem with looking at porn he has the largest collection i have ever seen and he constantly goes on porn sites...many of them. HE says maybe he is a sex addict? but i dont believe in that concept that is just an excuse to get away with appauling hurtful behaviour. What is wrong with him and what should i do about this awful and really hurtful situation?
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2010): HONESTLY, it's the third time. I could understand ONE.
He knew how you felt, promised not to do it again, etc, and still did it- two more times.
I don't wanna say don't be with him because he's never had something necessarily steady before, but you have to think of yourself as well.
Can you be happy in this relationship?
Is he really going to stop?
A
female
reader, confusednhurt23 +, writes (8 October 2010):
confusednhurt23 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey thanks for your opinions on the matter.
Still a little confused really. I am currently feeling you are all right. He is bad news due to reasons stated yet this time as bobito says he really does appear to want to change. I think the best solution for me is to see a councellor together and see how it goes. I have made it perfectly clear that this can not happen again even the slightest slip or mistake and it is over for good. So its up to him now i will not be putting up with it any more. So fingers crossed the councelling works and he genuinely becomes a better person and boyfriend. I will keep you all posted. Hopefully it will be positive news :)
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A
male
reader, Bobito +, writes (5 October 2010):
 Darling...
He's 53. Many people associate an older age with maturity of mind. What I have found in my life (I've always only had relationships with muuuuch older guys... my current partner being 55) is that 9 times out of ten maturity of age equals baggage and bad habits.
As you say your man never had a really successful long term relationship in his life. Question is: why? Probably he 'simply' stuck to his own way of living, without really adapting to his previous partners' needs and never really questioned it.
Furthermore, older guys in a relationship with a younger person have the tendency to believe that their ideas are better, thanks to their superior experience. Again, the real problem is that older guys seldom try and solve their own issues because they seldom appreciate they have any to begin with, and that there really is nothing their partners can do.
However, something very important has happened. You've found him out three times and questioned him. So he's had to face the fact that he DOES have issues and that you are not willing to ignore it. Seeing a professional seems like the one way for both of you to find what's behind his behaviour and whether there is anything he and you can do about it. It would be a good idea for you two to go on therapy together, so that you, too, have a better understanding of whatever dynamics may rise during therapy and, above all, so that YOU realize whether you DO want to deal with his problems.
If any more chances are to be given to him to make a serious attempt at saving your relationship, this is the one. Professional help for BOTH people in a couple is often the answer. It does sound like he's truly willing to change.
What else can I say? Good luck and let us know about your choice!!!
xx
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A
female
reader, heart-shaped-balloon  +, writes (5 October 2010):
 I know it will be hard, but get away from him. He could easily work around what he's given to you, and he probably will. He has proven himself untrustworthy... And I hate to sound harsh, but I think he is afraid of you leaving him only because he has nowhere else to go. He thinks its you or the streets.. I don't see how he could hurt you this way and still truly love you.. And plus, all trust and respect are gone from the relationship now. You have to watch him like a little kid. Is this really what you want to sign up for?
Also, sex addiction is real.. It's a mental addiction. Anything that releases pleasure chemicals can be addictive such as caffeine, chocolate, food in general, sleeping, etc... Because you start wanting to feel good all the time and start abusing these things. But in all honesty, it doesn't sound like he has it. His case really is just an excuse.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2010): First, you know what you are setting yourself up for if you continue. I don't believe in the "once a cheater then always a cheater" idea, but a cheater who is cheating is cheating and that is your situation.You deserve better."he has given me entire control over his mobile phones, i get the bills and dictate what he can and can't do"You want to be the police? Really, you can't monitor him 24/7 and if he wants to cheat he will be able to get by with it, easily. What you really want is a relationship where you don't have to police the other person, who is an adult and should be policing themselves.Finally, you are 22-25, he is 53, and he is a reliable cheat (meaning he has done it, did it to you as well). I would suggest you get counseling for yourself, not couples counseling.I'm married, I've thought of cheating, I've never done it, but that's because I respect my wife such that even when I know I could get away with it I don't. Your guy is out of control from the sounds of things.Protect yourself.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (5 October 2010):
 He has a history of cheating on his previous girlfriends, unsuccessful relationships, and has proven himself completely untrustworthy to you multiple times, with no remorse. This guy just screams run for the hills and don't look back.
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