A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I have been with my partner 6 years next month. I never wanted to get married, was never something that was important to me. Until I was in love. We have been together 6 years and have agreed to start trying for a baby next year after my friends wedding. We will regularly talk about 'our wedding' and hypothetical weddings. He's more than happy to discuss what ifs. If I ask him when he wants to get married, he just says one day. He knows I want to get married and would like to before we have children. I want the same name as my kids and to be a family. But he hasn't even popped the question. I just don't understand. Does he want to get married or not? I have asked him this by the way and he has said yes and then shuts down and won't speak about it. If he does then why not now? If not, why does he speak about weddings and marriage? I'm confused and now feeling impatient!! What do I do? Thanks
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (29 August 2017):
 For whatever reasons he is not ready and you talk about what you want but have you gave him the chance to talk about what he wants? I understand you want to settle down and having children, but what about him? Maybe he is not ready, maybe he cannot afford it, maybe he feels he is to young. You both need to sit down and talk about this properly. Ask him what is stopping him, tell him you will both work on it together.
A
female
reader, MissKin +, writes (23 August 2017):
 As long as you both agree that you want the same things then what is your problem?
He said yes and one day. He didn't say "no, never". If you're going to be together forever why does it have to be a rush to get there? Be patient. Maybe he is waiting for a good time to propose.
Are you life circumstances in alignment? Are you both financially secure, happy together without any doubts? Has he got debt to pay off or things to accomplish first?
If you want things NOW and you're not willing to wait for him then maybe he isn't the one for you.
What if you push and push and push for what you want and you end up pushing him away? If he's your age then maybe he isn't ready yet. Or maybe he is planning it and you won't stop nagging and let him propose.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2017): Sweetie, never try to rope a man in or push him for commitment. Your BF is not totally ready. He's comfortable with how things have been. You know this by his actions.He is also contradicting himself. Why would he not have a problem having a kid but have a problem with tying the knot?Getting married is the easy part.He seems to be trying to make you happy but he is not on the same page. He is probably afraid of moving forward. He is young. Men are always afraid of losing their freedom when they commit their lives to one woman. Nothing to do with his feelings for you.Having kids at your young age is scary and a life long commitment. I have been there, done that. And my question is why the rush? You are both so young. You have no idea what life is all about. You have no idea how having children changes a relationship and brings you challenges you need to be secure enough to weather as a couple. I don't feel you have a solid enough foundation to see this through. As a girl, you want the white picket fence fantasy. The husband, the house, then kids and happily ever after. But real life will throw you curve balls. It just never turns out the way you envision. Years and years down the road, do you want to have regrets? Do you want him to have regrets? Perhaps by feeling pressured by you to make choices he really wasn't ready to make or decisions he was not sure about?Guys have this way of keeping us girls happy even if they aren't. He is bending for you but not giving in completely. There is resistance on his part.Don't ever have kids without getting married first. If he is not ready for marriage then he is not ready to have children with you. Period.It ain't as easy as it looks.Having kids is hard work. Not saying it isn't rewarding but without a solid relationship you are going to crumble under the pressure and take your relationship right along with it. People think having kids sometimes saves or strengthens a relationship. It can actually be quite the opposite.Know what you want and stick to it. 6 years is long enough. If he is not prepared for a future with you, and that means marriage and kids in that order, it may be time to move on. You are young and will have plenty of other opportunities.Have a talk with him. Be firm in what you are looking for. Be prepared to leave him if he does not have the same goals as you do. Last thing you want is an immature, unsure, non committal kind of a guy as a husband. Then father.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (23 August 2017):
 I think that CMMP is right; if your bf is around your age ir just slightly older , most probabaly he will feel that he is too Young to get married, and that marriafe is one of those nice but farawat things that grown up people do , but " one day". ina distant fyture, ir at east in a future which feels very distant psychologically to him.
I am not sayung that he is wrong, but- if he is too young to be a husband, he is, even more, also too young to be a father.
What's this big idea of " we agreed to start tryng for a baby... " ? WHY did you agree, if you say , in the same breath, that you'd rather be a married mother rather than an unwed one, and that you want all of you have the same last name. And that he knows how you feel about it.
Dis-agree right away about trying for a baby. It is not certain if and when he will change his mind and wish to get married. Maybe he will, probably even. But in case he does not, at least you won't be left holding the sack ( or the baby ).
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate  +, writes (23 August 2017):
He won't marry you because he doesn't want to be married and face it he doesn't have to. You live together in a coupled relationship, you're about to get pregnant by him there. Is no reason for him to marry you.
He knows you want to be married but he keeps putting you off and he will continue to do so.
So decide are you happy with him and not married or is the lack of marriage a deal breaker for you. I'm old and old fashioned so I wouldn't have a child with someone who wouldn't marry me but it's really your call.
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (23 August 2017):
He won't marry you because he doesn't want to be married and face it he doesn't have to. You live together in a coupled relationship, you're about to get pregnant by him there. Is no reason for him to marry you.
He knows you want to be married but he keeps putting you off and he will continue to do so.
So decide are you happy with him and not married or is the lack of marriage a deal breaker for you. I'm old and old fashioned so I wouldn't have a child with someone who wouldn't marry me but it's really your call.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (23 August 2017):
 If YOU want to get married then you need to find out where he's up to. This sounds like a deal breaker for you so no shutting down on his side, he needs to give you an answer so you can decide where your future goes whether it's with him or someone else.
Everyone else has it right in saying don't try for a baby until you have something set.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (23 August 2017):
 There is nothing wrong with telling him what YOU would like, i.e. a wedding before a baby. Next time you discuss trying for a baby, say "Heh, here's the thing. I've been giving this some thought and I would like for us to be married before we try for a baby. What are YOUR thoughts on that?"
Perhaps he is just unaware you would like things that way round. Don't drop hints. Some people just don't DO hints. Tell him outright what you would like but be prepared to listen to what HE wants too and to compromise if needed.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2017): No wedding, no babies!!! Why are you starting a family with a father who can just opt-out of his family without any legal-recourse??? Just out of nowhere, decide he's going to pull-up roots; and go find another woman.
Stick to your guns, girlfriend!!!
We have enough single-mothers without a choice. You have a choice. If you established from the start you didn't want to get married and gave him everything a wife does. He's taking the milk, without buying the cow. Take it easy, I'm not calling you a cow. I use colorful-language, it's my style!
You have spoiled him and programmed him to expect you to be his make-believe wifey for eternity; whom he can dump whenever he pleases, and take whatever stuff he wants with him when he leaves.
Kids deserve dads married to their moms! Enough with these loosely-arranged families where the men have all the advantage. They can leave you with kids; and you'll have to track him down for help, or to force him to see his own kids. He gets to date whenever he pleases, you've got to find a sitter first.
I am sick of bachelor-fathers, leaving poor kids with their mothers to struggle without him. Don't tell me he won't do it. He keeps his options open; because he values his freedom over you! I can understand being in no rush to get married; but you two are considering a family!!!
A man not ready for marriage, is not ready for fatherhood.
Way too many of these irresponsible asshats have gotten away with being nothing but sperm-donors; and not married-fathers and husbands. What's up with that???
The kids grow-up in a one-parent household. With some peripheral-father orbiting somewhere out there in far distant-space; and showing-up when it's convenient, or none at all. While you struggle and make excuses why daddy couldn't make it to a game, recital, or birthday-party. He's free to find himself a different female he'll marry; to start yet another family, he will give his last name. Leaving you with stretchmarks; and a child to love, feed, and protect, all by yourself. Maybe more than one!
If he won't marry you, preserve your eggs until you find someone who will love you enough to make you his wife.
You're under twenty-five, and of course at the beginning when you were around 18 or 19; marriage was not in your immediate future. It's six frigging years later; and he has had all the advantages of a husband. Now it's time he man-up and make you his wife. Post-pone the kids, not the marriage!
Not "someday!" After a special proposal, and a ring. Then mess around with pinpointing a date for the wedding. You can plan to marry after a year's engagement. It doesn't have to be immediate. An engagement can be as long as you want. It's a promise to be exclusive with intent to marry. There could not possibly be anyone else in the future he would rather be with!
NO KIDS UNTIL AFTER "YOUR' WEDDING!!! Not some friend's wedding! Are you kidding us, or yourself???
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (23 August 2017):
If you're 22-25 and he's your age, he probably feels like he's too young. I wouldn't have got married at that age. In fact, when I was asked, I said "not anytime soon."
He should be willing to talk about it though. It's possible he avoids it if you've made a big deal about it in the past.
I would suggest not trying for a baby at this time unless you'd be okay with never getting married to him. There's nothing wrong with that but it doesn't sound like you'd be happy with it.
Give it time. You're young enough that waiting a few years won't be a big deal unless you make it one.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 August 2017):
 Don't try for a baby till this is settled. Either he WANTS to marry you and start a family or he doesn't. Don't do things half-arsed!
So no baby without a wedding.
HAVE that conversation.
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A
male
reader, Riot2017  +, writes (23 August 2017):
Is your BF still a student? Does he still depends on his parents? Does he has a (good) job?
If he is still a student, depends on his parents, or doesn't haves a job, then that may be stopping him from marrying you, IMHO.
I have been with my GF, and we've been together 10 years. I do have wanted to marry her, but my financial situation has not been good for those 10 years. I have recently started to get better financially, but we can't marry right now because her parents are sick and we are spending every penny on their treatment. We have also had problems between our families stopping us from being together.
I must admit that for some time, I was afraid of getting married, and that may also be stopping your BF. I was afraid of not being able to afford giving her any future at that stage of life. Right now I'm felling more confident about myself and my future than 10 years ago.
I think you need to talk to him about marriage, in a friendly manner. Ask him all of his (real) reasons for not wanting to marry right now. If you think his reasons are not valid, just keep digging and digging until the truth comes out. You need to know if you are wasting your time or if it's worth to wait a little more.
Best luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2017): Tell him you want to get married before you have a child and tell him you're ready to set a date now. His attitude is he's satisfied with the way things are at the moment, and well, you know, someday maybe.
If you want that baby to carry his last name, and it's my belief you should stick to your guns, then don't have a baby before you are married.
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