A
female
age
36-40,
*lattubanata
writes:I am 24 and have never been in love (not one that was reciprocated anyway). I believe this could be because I am not nice to look at (bordering on downright repulsive), slightly overweight and very very shy and also sarcastic. I do have a very sensitive side but it takes some time for me to let people get to it and it turns out that most men don’t want to do it because of the aforementioned reasons. I am not beating myself for no reason – I do know that I am intelligent, have a good sense of humour and am marginally talented as well.I do understand that I can be more outgoing and blah blah blah in order to get someone to like me but sometimes it’s just disheartening to know that no one wants to be with me without making adjustments to me. It’s like I need to be fixed up to be acceptable to someone while most of the rest of the world is perfect the way it is. I have been told that I probably scare men away or intimidate them but I don’t think that’s true at all. The only men who end up liking me are the highly eccentric, the wimps, those who believe women are an inferior race or those who tend to act like obsessed stalkers. I am not looking down on any of these people, they are wonderful in their own right but why won’t a nice guy fall for me? This makes me feel so ugly and unwanted all the time. I feel so confused and depressed. If ugly people don’t deserve to have love or life, what’s the point in them existing?
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depressed, overweight, shy Reply to this Question
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female
reader, StrayTogether.com  +, writes (3 August 2010):
 I agree wholeheartedly with those stating that you need to love your self first and gain self-confidence. Loving and accepting yourself are the first steps toward fulfillment in a relationship. After all, if you can't love yourself, why would anyone else bother? Consider counseling to get to the root of your self-esteem problems, but if that's not an option, there are some excellent self-help books on the topic. And keep in mind that while it's easy to say, "I'm unattractive, and THAT's the root of my lowered self-esteem," there will surely be more to it than that.When we're "broken," we tend to attract other broken people to ourselves. It's a common phenomenon that many don't realize is happening.Although it's obvious your self-esteem has taken a hit along the way, I feel as though it's not at rock bottom because it's obvious that you value yourself enough to NOT be with the wrong guy, especially those feeling superior and stalkers. Bravo to you for recognizing and not accepting that type of behavior in your life. Someone at rock bottom wouldn't see that and would likely accept those people over being alone. So, you see, all isn't lost. You have work, but not as much as many others.Good luck to you.Fondly,Jill
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2010): I find it hard to believe you are as unattractive as you have described. Anyway, you should know that a person's physical appearance has very little to do with finding a partner. Trust me. I am no beauty queen, but I look quite good and in 24 years no guy has ever shown any interest in me. I know many people who can't find a partner despite being quite a catch. At the same time, every day I see couples in the streets, very unattractive girls holding hands with cute guys. And I wonder how on earth did they find a boyfriend.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2010): No, I didn't mean to imply there was something wrong with you. Having something you can improve upon doesn't mean there is something wrong.
I was a little harsh on my advice last time not with the intention of demeaning you but to kick that attitude to the side. Because you're question has an undertone of defeat in it, a 'sigh I give up' kind of way.
There's nothing in this life that can't be overcome, all the attributes you listed about yourself sound exactly like my girlfriend and she rocks.
Changing attitude takes work, but it can be done. You just have to build from scratch. There's no such thing as failure only learning opportunities and chances for growth.
remember how you feel about life is choice, something you can choose. If you feel bad don't sit around moping, fix the thing that makes you feel bad.
You have low self worth, which means you spend a lot of time thinking about how bad you are and not enough time seeing the great things about you. If there's something you don't like change it if you can't change it learn to love it or at least live with it enough to focus on the good stuff.
Here's what we guys want in a woman, sense of humour (sarcasm for me, I love it) and confidence (this is by far the most important). Those are pretty much the only two standard things that every guy wants. Looks are not important at all because every guy likes different looks, me I like girls with curves and a nice bit of extra weight.
Give yourself a chance, start doing things for you, forget about men until you yourself can really start to love the person you are. Stand up and fight to be that way and take every set back as motivation to make an extra effort.
That's the secret to everything really, determination and fight.
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (1 August 2010):
 If you can't love yourself, how can you expect somebody else to love you?
Anybody can learn to love themselves, but you gotta change your attitude, start viewing the glass as half full instead of half empty... Honestly, that's the first step.
Best of luck :)
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A
female
reader, klattubanata +, writes (1 August 2010):
klattubanata is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone for taking the time to read this and respond, really appreciate it
Cerberus, thank you for your honesty, really. Sigh - You are right, I need an attitude fix... (and, i am not being sarcastic though I hope I am not agreeing with you just because it establishes something else that's wrong with me...)
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A
female
reader, FluffyPie +, writes (1 August 2010):
 I'm a little fluffy myself (that's why my nickname sounds FluffyPie :P), I tend to be a little insecure about it, as in looking to any other thin woman. I'm kind of short as well - 1.60 m, so that's why I look poofy.
BUT I have a boyfriend, he looks hot, he is tall, not too thin and not too fat (he's average), well-endowed and the most important: he always makes me feel special and beautiful. He is pretty aware (even if he won't show it) that nobody is perfect, not even him. In fact, he's a guy, and honestly, they don't really see what we see, so set your mind at rest about that. Men are not that judgmental towards women.
Before having sex with him, I was afraid that he runs when he sees me naked - I have a slight acne on my skin, thus imperfections (due to some hormones problem), but I'm taking medication. So getting naked in front of him would have been a real hell, especially letting him touch my private parts. He liked to tickle me, and he was going all the way under my clothes, and I hated it, because it felt awkward touching my fatty hips. I went : "No, don't touch that" and he replied "why not? you're fluffy and it feels awesome".
See? Most women have the same problem, you're not alone. I told my boyfriend I'm trying to lose some weight, but he said I'm OK the way I am, and he likes it.
If I want to make a physical change on me, it's because it would make me feel more comfortable with myself. But when there are the people I love out there, who aren't making a big deal of myself being fluffy - boyfriend, family - why should I care about the others?
And another thing... most men like to sense your body, they like round shapes. At least men I've ever been in contact with. I believe skinny girls are only good for being easy to handle in bed (no offense intended for you, girls, it's just my own observation ^_^).
Also, don't try to meet men over the internet. Physical/real contact with the guy is most appropriate. Like this, he knows exactly where he stands (and so do you). From the very beginning, he knows how you look on the outside, all he needs to explore is your insides. No kinky interpretation on this one, I mean try to make conversation with him, be random, be funny and never let him see when you're down.
For instance, ask a guy out, be witty, funny, but not rude or kinky, be charming, smell good, be clean, and imagine that all the people out there are wearing nothing but panties with teddy bears on them. It's a hard exercise, I've read about it in my high school years, but it's really working.
So next time when you see a thin, good-looking girl, imagine she's sitting on the toilet, trying to poop. ;)
Best of luck! (sorry for this random range of ideas)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2010): If I'm honest it looks like you who's not giving guys the chance and you're not exactly giving yourself a chance either.
Downright repulsive? Give me a break, nobody is downright repulsive as long as they wash themselves and keep themselves well groomed.
Your standards are too high, wimps, eccentrics etc. It sounds to me like you have a set idea of what a man should be and no one else will do, frankly I think you're not going to find a guy that fits perfectly into the mold you have created.
The only thing that's ugly about you is your attitude, you don't know how to see the positives. The positive attributes you listed were just so people wouldn't tell you how bad your self image is, because you know that's the underlying problem and you just don't want to hear that it has to be fixed. That's why you'll only find guys who want to fix you because there are parts of you that need to be improved, even your friends say you scare guys off but you won't listen to them, but they know you so you might want to consider what they're telling you.
You have contradicted yourself so much in your question that it tells me you know what's going on but you don't want to give up your dream of getting the 'perfect' guy. A guy that only exists in the movies.
You feel unwanted, yet there are lots of guys that like you.
You say you're ugly yet guys have shown an interest.
You say ugly people don't deserve love, yet you seem to think eccentric people and so called 'wimps' don't deserve your love.
You say people don't like your sarcasm, yet you also say that your humour is a strong point.
Your question is very conflicted indeed, you want a dream, perfect man that only exists in Bollywood movies. You don't give any of these other guys a chance because you are too strict in standards. I'm afraid you're going to be unhappy and alone a long time unless you find a way to see the good things in yourself and others.
Most of all, your attitude stinks.
"It’s like I need to be fixed up to be acceptable to someone while most of the rest of the world is perfect the way it is"
None one and nothing in this world is perfect, we all have flaws, we all have things we need to improve and things we don't like about ourselves. The difference is we go ahead and do them, we change what needs to be changed, because you know what, we realize the world isn't going to change to suit us, we have to change to adapt to our world.
You want to get a 'nice guy' then make yourself the kid of person nice guys go for.
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A
male
reader, Lookingforwisdom  +, writes (1 August 2010):
It's clear to me that the root of your problem is a lack of confidence. Guys, like girls, are drawn to confidence, optimism, intelligence and talent. It's natural for people to want to associate themselves with "winners" in life, and people see confidence as a characteristic of impressive people. Therefore it's not all down to looks, it's almost more about attitude and confidence when it comes to attracting most guys. You need to start respecting yourself more, be happy with life in general, and show that socially. Be less cynical with people you don't know that well yet as that can put people off. I don't know if you already do this or not, but dressing well and keeping up appearances shows self-respect which is important (obviously there's a balance to this, don't cake yourself in make-up). Also the not wanting to make adjustments to yourself is a bit cliched. People change the way they are perceived every day, your not actually making any changes to your personality, your just making your first point of contact a more confident, and hence more attractive person initially. Obviously attracting others is only the first stage, and when you really start to hit it off with a guy your real personality will come through, as will his, and then you can decide if you are right for each other.Lastly, don't get desperate. Be open to friendship, but don't sell yourself out to any guy. You'll find the right guy in time, so keep your integrity intact.Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2010): My dear, have you read your own writing? Do you really want to be with someone who needs you to have good looks?I feel im okay in the looks department but i tell ya what i have very little talent and i am an absolute ass most of the time. My point is, I am not going to settle or change me just because someone else has no confidence in them selves. The man I have eventually chosen to be with is by no means a HOTTIE... but I absolutely love him and I choose to compromise for him not because of him. He is perfect for me just how he is and vise versa. So, when people tell you, "you scare men off" maybe its because he's a puss! when they tell you "your sarcastic" or you "intimidate them" its because they lack in those areas and people who lack certain things put those faults on other people. thats when you should say in a very sarcastic tone " kiss my intimidating ass you puss" your beautiful! don't let some passive pony princess put her own shortcomings on you. YOU ROCK!
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A
male
reader, audiodude +, writes (1 August 2010):
It sound like you need to work on your inner game, you will only attract peps that are going thru your same present situation. If you want more then you have to give more... ie If you want a bulk, in shape guy there is less chances that you are gonna get it if you are overweight. .. if you actually feel like this you should join a gym immediately!!. I believe in being at my best and looking at my best at ALL the time... If im single then i will attract the best and have the best options and if im in a relationship i will keep the interest of my partner, and make sure she knows im her best option. They say that you must kiss a few frogs to find your prince, so dont be afraid of exploring, and date till you find what you want, thou dont expect to much if you dont have to much to give. Good luck
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