A
female
age
41-50,
*ernergirl
writes:I am alone and he is with the girl he cheated on me with. Why did he do this? What did I do wrong? I made dinner for him every night or went and got it? Would try and do nice things for him once a day, dressed up in sultry lingerie every night? Went down on him every single night! All of this and I wasn't enough. Why?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2010): We all ask ourselves that when it happens to us.
Frequently, almost always, the answer is that the cheater has the problem that leads to the cheating.
"what he did was not about you" This is absolutely true in most cases.
Many times the person who is having the affair is putting less into the relationship than the person cheated on.
I've been there. I was told I was "unavailable", "gone to much at work", and more. The other guy was not working, willing, and didn't care what the consequences were. I was surprised by both what I was told, as well as the affair, and thought I was more than attentive, if anything I felt I was more than devoted to my wife, marriage, children, family.
When we went through our credit card bills, after the affair, and I used credit card to purchase nearly everything as I didn't carry cash, I was even surprised at how much I had "been there" as I do have a busy job, but there were the movies, date nights, small day trips with kids, etc, etc, etc. Even my wife was shocked...and she had the affair.
Counselors can help you get to the bottom of this. My wife couldn't explain why she was feeling rejected (by me), until she'd been in counseling with me long enough to open up and tell the story of her past (abuse, parental neglect, sex abuse, etc). She also opened up about her adult life, constantly seeking affirmation of worth, and told me and the counselor stuff that she had buried so deep that she never thought she'd have to deal with it. Turned out she had been terrified that I'd find out about stuff that she had done before she met me (stuff that I found rather innocuous), felt worthless in her own mind, and was projecting those feelings about herself onto me.
So, if you doubt yourself, join the crowd of us. But get help, even if the marriage is over, for yourself. It helps. In my case, it saved my marriage.
He left for the other woman, well, 97% of those arrangements fail eventually, if I remember correctly, because cheaters marrying cheaters leads to very poor trust on all sides and that damns a marriage.
I just ate lunch with my wife. She treats me better since the affair and counseling than anyone, including her, has ever treated me in my life, and that is saying a lot. She understands herself better, has deep regrets that she works to live with and understand, and finally understands what childhood sex abuse and neglect can do to an adult.
Don't do to others what was done to you. There is that temptation when you "re-enter" the dating and relationship game. Cheating is "thrilling", just like shoplifting.
A
female
reader, CheatedandLiedto  +, writes (6 December 2010):
"Why wasn't I enough for him" is something all of us ask when we are cheated on. I asked myself this not long ago when I found out about my husband's affair.
The answer to this questions feels so important right now, specially when you are feeling so much pain. The thing is, what he did was not about you. It was all about him and his selfish needs. When someone wants to go, there is absolutely nothing anyone can do to stop them. So even if you find some answers, the fact is, he did this despicable thing and it's not going to change anything.
You are young and you will be ok. It may feel like it's the end of the world and you will never be ok again but trust me, you will get through this. Let yourself go through the emotions, hurt, anger, despair even denial. What has happened is terrible. But you are not alone and there will be someone else for you. Someone who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated and who will appreciate you for who you are.
Take care and keep us posted. You have friends here and we care.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2010): You could do anything for this man and he would still have left. He's a user. Spare yourself the pain and look for someone who appreciates you.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (6 December 2010):
Hi there. Believe it or not, women can sometimes do too much for their men.
You might have given him so much, that it didn't leave anything for him to give you.
Men do like to do things for their women as well, to show how much they love them.
Did you retain your independence? Or did you make your whole life revolve around him? Independence is really important in a relationship as well. If you lost it along the way, well then you might have depended on him to make you happy. This would have put a lot of pressure on him, and it's a heavy load to carry.
It's up to us to make ourselves happy. No-one else can do that. It's our own responsibility.
Sexy lingerie is good too, but there is really so much more to a good relationship that goes way beyond good sex or wearing sexy underwear.
Real closeness in a relationship, is a sharing of yourself with your partner and sharing your life. Sharing how you feel about things and opening up to your partner about how you feel about life, them and the relationship. This sharing is so important, that if it is missing, then all the fantastic sex in the world, won't keep you together.
It's the difference between really getting to know someone well and feeling like you hardly know them at all. It's a certain warmth a person exudes towards other human beings, that draws other people closer to them. It makes them want to stay.
In developing this special closeness, it's also important to let a person know if there is something that worries you in the relationship. If they have done something that hurts or annoys you, then you have to let them know about it - respectfully - otherwise if they don't know, then they can't do anything to fix it. It's about being open and honest with each other.
Sometimes it's about general communication. If one person makes a statement, but it might be brief. The other person then isn't quite sure what they meant, but instead of asking a question - "When you said ....., what did you mean? I don't quite understand." - they can't be bothered asking or think that to ask a question, is being intrusive, so they fill in the gaps with their own assumptions. These assumptions are nearly always wrong.
It's always much better to ask a simple question, then it's clarified in a couple of minutes. It also saves a lot of arguments, caused by misunderstandings. To ask a question, also shows that you are interested in that person and what they said - enough to find out more.
Good communication and being open and honest with each other, is the real glue in any relationship that keeps two people together.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2010): It sounds like you did all you could to bring your best self to the relationship you wanted. But everyone has a different idea of the relationship they want. And sometimes you can do everything Right but not get the approval you seek. You are good enough. But you're not Right for him.
This is grating truth.
You must move on now... give yourself the time you need... surround yourself with the ones who care... be good to yourself... eventually you will come upon the Right one, too.
I'm sorry,
Tante Victoire
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A
female
reader, Emjo  +, writes (6 December 2010):
 You seem really upset still which is granted, perhaps you just didnt work well as a couple, or he was looking for something different. perhaps he didn't like that you did everything for him.
needless to say he should not have cheated on you and he seems to have approached the matter in entirely the wrong way.
Do you still speak? perhaps as him the question as to why he felt the need to do it, perhaps you need closure? whatever that is.
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A
female
reader, Mjfbla +, writes (6 December 2010):
 Some guys just want sex with different woman. Bet you he is cheating on the girl he is with now. You did everything right. And you were good enough. He was the problem. Any guy would b lucky to have you.
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