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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Why would the married man I've been involved with keep leaving me and coming back? He left me in July and came back. He just left me again. He said he loves me and that's why he has to let me go. Cause he can't stand seeing me suffer cause I want more from him but he's married and can't provide what I need from him. I thought that if you love someone, you don't leave them or want to be responsible for their pain and suffering? He happily had a relationship with me all those years. Why does he do this to me? I've been so good to him. I've sacrificed so much for this man. Why does he keep leaving and coming back? That's emotional torture. I am depressed and heartbroken. He made love to me the other day and the next day he's able to just leave me and not reply to my texts? He's done this before but keeps coming back. Why does he leave me? Why bother if he comes back?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2020): Here is my theory. Although you have received some very good advice here.I think there is a possibility he has replaced you for another toy. He did not want to increase the chances of discovery by having you AND another toy (in addition to wifey). Besides, a man can only do so much. Although I have to admit, that during a global pandemic this is very reckless behavior. At least with you (and his wife), he knew he was safe.However, he left you right now to try it on with someone new. Or at least pursue the opportunity. Men like him always have somebody in the wings. Or they are on the apps which facilitate infidelity and no strings sex these days, and eventually DO find somebody like minded. Usually a woman who is married as well. Much easier to manage (less demanding, less time required etc) and expectations are set from the start, and usually never change as both people do not want to leave their primary relationships. They are only looking for a bit of spice on the side. Of course these relationships are often short lived. In the long run, if he was after a regular and steady sex partner, he should have stayed with you.So, what will happen? He will be out of touch while he bangs this new side piece. He will find out that she, too, eventually isn't all that. He will grow bored of her. Likely realize she wasn't you and regret losing what he had with you and come crawling back. That is often the case. The grass is rarely greener. It is just a different lawn and he grew bored with the relationship demands you likely imposed and did not want to work at it anymore. He just wanted the carefree ego boost you provided at the beginning and after a certain amount of time together, you become just like a wife. So, in order to replicate the high he got at the start, he has replaced the sex with a new lady who sees him through adoring eyes and is raring to do, just like you were. In time, she will be YOU. That is when he moves on yet again.I do not for a moment believe his wife satisfies him sexually. I do not believe he is going back to his wife out of love, because he loves having sex with her, or even settling for it, or wanting to stay committed to her. He does not love her. The sex isn't that good. OR he would NOT have cheated on her. I guarantee this is a hobby for him. He LOVES himself, OP. He uses women for his own selfish gain and ego boosting purposes. Men who cheat are weak and empty inside. He is back with her because he does not want to lose everything. His family, his financial status, his reputation, his entire life as he knows it. He does not want to lose it all. So, he has to tow the line, and keep fooling the wife. But he is still cheating, and will cheat again.I think you are this man's yo yo. He used the I LOVE YOU's to trap you and groom you as his dirty little mistress who is hidden away from the world. These slime buckets will say ANYTHING. But once their life is threatened, they will not hesitate to drop you like you never meant anything to them. They do not realize the amount of damage they do to women when they prey on them this way. I speak of the wives and I speak of the mistresses. The women are the true victims here.I would advise you to let him go. But if you are the type that cannot let go without closure, keep an eye on this man. You may just find him sneaking out to see somebody else. This is the exact moment I would advise you to tell his wife everything. He does not give one single fuck about your pain and suffering. Or he would not keep leaving you and coming back. A man who cares will not allow himself to ever be the cause of your pain. He knows he has been hurting you. But he does not care. He does not feel. He has no heart. Often this is the case with narcissists. They take pleasure out of the pain of others. Makes them feel superior and special. Inside, they hate themselves. And need to suck on the blood of others to raise themselves up.I feel for you. And I am sorry you are going through this. As I said, keep an eye on him.I think you have written here before. It seems you are in limbo. And are stuck on how to move forward.I believe that unless you talk to his wife, you will never be able to have closure and move on to a man who is worthy of you.Do what you need to do, hun.Good luck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2020): Oh dear. You are telling us by asking this question that you give your future, hopes, feelings and devotion to a man you do not understand, like or trust.
You should know the man you sleep with and save yourself for far better than that.
How would anyone here know him and his motives better than you?
If you do not understand him, do not trust him, then stop being there for him, stop letting him use you.
If you put your hand in the fire and it gets burnt.
Do you then think to yourself oh dear that hurt a lot and stop doing it, or do you continue to do it and ask people why it hurts?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2020): Because you let him. He gets what he wants from you,sex and a change from his wife. When he is satisfied he goes back to his comfortable life and wife.When he needs a bit of excitement he comes back to you and you welcome him with open arms.
He'll repeat this as long as you let him, until his wife finds out or until he tires of you.
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A
female
reader, Justmy5cents  +, writes (16 September 2020):
 You are torturing yourself. People only get away with what YOU let them get away with. You can try sugarcoat it in as many different flavours to suit but you know this scenario and he are bitter right down the core. Do you not think you are worthy of a better man, a loyal man and not second fiddle to another woman? Cut this sucker loose, be kind to yourself by believing you can do better. This is about you, not him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2020): Married-men, with a pension to cheat on their wives; find love-starved gullible-women they know will hold-on, and provide him with whatever his lusts and ego demands.
He doesn't want any woman to control him, he is immune to guilt, and feels no obligation to offer his accountability to any female. Your emotions are irrelevant. They're yours to deal with. You supply a need, and when his needs are met; he is done with you. He hangs-on to his wife, who also fulfills a need; and actually has more of a hold over him. Be it his children, financially, emotionally; or the fact she deliberately looks the other-way, because they have an understanding. He may tell you he loves you, but he won't let her go. Ever wonder why? In his on twisted and inexplicable way...because he loves her more! He respects her more, and she reminds him of what decency is. She provides him with a facade of family-life and respectability. You don't! Try as you may! You can take back your power whenever you like. Meanwhile, it's all in his hands!
He comes-back when he tires of his marriage, wants the feel of a different vagina, and his ego needs a good stroking. He comes-back to be reminded of the power he holds over your feelings. He must reinforce, or re-substantiate, the fact he can have both a wife; and a willing-concubine. Both either too weak, or needy; to see how seriously flawed and morally-bankrupt he is. He's got-it made in the shade; and it's his prerogative to come and go as he pleases. If he comes-back; rest assured that it is strictly for his own benefit. Not yours!
The torture comes with the territory. Concubines and mistresses live in the shadows. They are willing slaves to their weakness for a man who cheats on his wife. It's also their karma for betraying another woman and his family.
He's not torturing you; you're torturing yourself. You have a choice, and your options are open to you. Without conscience or guilt, you want to betray another woman? Be selfishly complicit in destroying her marriage? You are receiving your full-reward.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (14 September 2020):
 Me! Me! Ask me! I know the answer to this one!
1. Because you allow it.
2. Because he is a clever manipulator. If you ask for more than he is willing to give, he discards you for a while as punishment, to teach you your place, so that you are grateful for whatever crumbs of attention/affection he scatters your way when he chooses to pick you up again. (I know this because a family member kept two women on the go for over 20 years by using this method - on both of them.)
He is not going to leave his wife for you. He has probably told you that already. He is not going to compromise himself to keep you happy.
He tells you he loves you? Don't listen to his words; watch his actions. Are they the actions of a man who loves you? Of course not. He LOVES his wife (and family, if he has one). He enjoys your company WHEN IT SUITS HIM. Outside that, he has no time for you and will never give you more than he is giving you now.
Open your eyes and realize your worth. Find yourself someone who will prove by his actions he loves you, not just give you empty words.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (14 September 2020):
 " Why does he leave me ? Why bother if he comes back ?"....
Obvious. Because he does not want you full- time. He does not want you as a permanent companion, he already has that, and an official one too.
You are a distraction, an alternative, a recreation_ but most probably after a while you are not that much fun anymore. You start moaning , you start moping around, you start asking more time and more attention that he wants to give you, you start
" suffering " and showing this sufference- and he does not have much fun , so he steps back for a while. Then,- rinse and repeat. Why not ? he knows that you'll take him back whenever he wants, and he knows that he can drop you like a hot potato whenever he wants . That's a very enticing, convenient arrangement for a selfish individual like this one must be .
By the way : did you know that Neil Young married Daryl Hannah a couple of years ago ? They got together in 2014 , though. Not coincidentally, the same year when he divorced his wife of 38 years. Neil and Pegi ( the wife ) also had two disabled children together . And she had also adopted Neil Young's son from another woman. And, they had composed, recorded and released together plenty of albums ( she was a musician too )... My point is, this is a sad story, and I bet this was a very hard marriage to break, I am sure both did not take it lightly. There were so many things holding them together, from memories to money and business- it must have been a nightmare....
Sure Neil Young risked to lose a lot leaving his wife, from money and properties, to his children's love, to his fans' support....
But , when you are in love you are in love. He fell in love real hard with Daryl Hannah,- so in comes Darryl , out goes Pegi. After all that time togetehr.
So: this man says he loves , but he does not. If he loved you- he would be with you . Simple. All the excuses that
people "cannot" leave their spouse for their lover, because of money, children, in-laws, church etc....that's indeed just excuses. They don't leave their spouse because they don't want to.
Your married man maybe does not love his wife anymore- then again he does not love you either. If he loved you, he would have left her for you, no matter what.
It's up to you if you want to stay with a man who uses you and does not love you , but... at least do not get confused ! , and do not tire out your brain by asking yourself naive, pointless questions.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (14 September 2020):
 Honeypie is absolutely right, he leaves and comes back because you let him.
If you keep letting it this situation is never going to change, this will go on and on until you nip this in the bud.
He is a liar, a cheat, and is being unfaithful to his wife with you. He will never leave his wife for you, but if he did how could yo ever trust him.
All the sacrifice you have made for him means diddley squat. He is getting what he wants with you, giving you promises and lies to keep you dangling, then goes back to the marital bed. This OP is how its always going to be.
You have got to face the harsh realisation that he will never leave his wife for you. So the coming and going is going to be for ever.
Give this lying cheat his marching orders and move on with your life.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (14 September 2020):
 Why does he keep leaving and coming back?
Because you LET him. YOU allow this emotional torture.
He doesn't LOVE you OH so much that he has to leave you... He LOVES himself so much that he has to dump you occasionally to keep the power over you and not get detected by the wife.
Instead of asking ALL these questions about HIS behavior, how about we look at yours?
WHY do you think it's OK to cheat with a married man?
WHY would you do that to another woman? And to yourself?
HE has NOTHING but his dick, maybe money and empty words to offer to you.
Why not find yourself a man who CAN and WANT to invest in you and BE with you and ONLY you?
Do you think you are somehow BETTER than his wife?
And do you realize that you "sacrifices" means nothing to him?
Riddle me that, Batman
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A
female
reader, AnnaGreen +, writes (14 September 2020):
 I am sorry that you are struggling, it hurts, but you need to see things as they really are. When a man is selfish enough to get a woman to become his mistress you know that he is selfish, you accept it, you do not try to turn it around into him caring so much that he would do the right thing by you. If he cared that much he would have ended his marriage and be with you properly. Please do not say he cannot, yes he can, he chooses not to. It may be because he loves his wife ( I doubt it), it may be because of finances, which is more likely. But what sort of guy would rather have lots of money than do the right thing by the two women in his life?
You ask why he goes off and comes back. He does this because he knows he can wrap you around his little finger, that you are his puppet, you are always there for him. He does not have to be careful about how he treats you for fear that you will dump him. Some married men tell their mistresses they are going off on a business trip or family visit just to get a break from having to try to be in two places at once, a rest from it all, lies, to make life easier for a bit. They want a breathing space and they want to make sure that the relationship with the mistress is not taken for granted and samey, it makes it far more exciting and she is far more grateful when he disappears and returns.
Guys who have a mistress want them for ego and sex. If the mistress wants to talk about her feelings or the future he turns off and loses interest. As far as he is concerned she is there for his benefit, he owes her nothing. Which is why I believe that men who are in a relationship and get women to become their mistress, with all of the negatives and problems and heartache that goes with it, are very selfish, and should pay escorts/prostitutes instead.
Please do not think that if you threaten to end it he will tow the lie, he will know you are too weak to stick to your threats.
You either end it or you do not. I know you will not.
This will continue until he tires of it and ends it.
I wish you could see this and change it. But you have to change it. Not by threats or talks, by actions.
At least if you end it you have a chance of happiness with a single man and you have your dignity.
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