A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:became friends with a co worker at work who I like. she talked to me quite a lot and the conversations seem to flow well. I was sad to hear she was going after three months of being with the company. was in kitchen making a tea and said to her, was sorry she was leaving and wished her the best in whatever she decided to do. I asked her if it was okay to friend request her on facebook, she said course it is and I left it at that. I asked her on facebook by message if she got a new job or had gone to college. she said she went to college in the reply back, gave her space and asked her after a few days, what she is studying and if she would be coming back to work in the holidays, got nothing and just a tick to say she read my message and that was it. I’m really hurt she didn’t reply and don’t know what to think because I thought she liked me. I don’t know whether to send another message or not.what should I do?
View related questions:
at work, co-worker, facebook Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (22 October 2019):
 You should take the hint and accept that , for whatever reason, she is not interested in keeping in touch with you.
You want to reassure her that you are not looking for anything romantic, just for friendship . But, have you thought that most probably she is not even interested in a friendship with you ? I think she gave a strong hint of that,by omitting to give you an update about her life and plans, as per your friendly request. She does not want to keep you updated. Respect that .
It's not so strange, you know ? It happens all the time. People say one thing, just to be civil, then they do another. We can point fingers and scream " false " and
" flaky " as much as we want, and yeah it is not a commendable behaviour, at least in theory we should always be sincere and say what we mean, but , in practice, try to see it this way :
this is a young girl, in a temporary job, environment and position. This is just a part of her life, and she knows that, as soon as she is out of that particular environment, her life will take an all different path , with different people and different priorities. Of course until she weas there she was friendly, why should she have been NOT friendly with a friendly, engaging colleague ?, plus work is easier if one manages to get along with everybody. But- out of there- ...out of mind out of sight. It's like, say, when you meet some cool people during a vacation thousands miles from home- yeah , they are cool people, nothing wrong
with them , but- it's just that they belong to a phase, to a parenthesis of your life, - then life goes on with no need and no time to drag along with you anybody and everybody you shot the breeze with at some point.
Now, then, when you asked her if you could contact her through Facebook, she should have been brutally honest and said : No, please don't !- but- easier said than done.Put this way, it sounds very aggressive, very harsh toward someone who has not done anything wrong ; plus, lots of people have been trained since childhood to be polite ( which is good ) and to never disappoint and always comply ( not so good ). The polite , almost mandatory, response to a request like yours , is : oh sure. Then, she hopes that you'll take your clue from her indifference and lack of response, - and decide on your own to leave her alone.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2019): She isnt testing you I can assure you, she is busy getting on with her life and puts you in the category as the job she has left, the past. You would make it seem you did want more trying to explain. Leave it be, she will contact you if she wants to stay in touch
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (22 October 2019):
 Why would you try and be friends with someone who can't be bothered to answer a simple question that doesn't hint of anything romantic, just a friendly kind of question?
Sure she was friendly when you were co-workers and now she can't be bothered? Which is why I'd simply just let her be.
If she thinks you are looking for more, that IS on her. You don't have to EXPLAIN that you are just looking to be her friend, your questions seemed like something a friend or acquaintance would ask, so I don't think you wrote anything that she can READ more into.
She just doesn't seem to want to maintain a friendship now that you two don't work together any more.
I mean she pretty much "hinted" that with capital letters.
Up to you, OP.
...............................
A
male
reader, Indiglorex +, writes (21 October 2019):
It happens. I once fell for a girl who worked at the office I was in. She too was friendly and accepted my friend request when I eventually left to another job. But she never really bothered to engage with my FB messages. Let it be man. She's made it clear where you stand. You were a friendly guy at the office, nothing more.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2019): message and find out what’s going on with her, got nothing to lose. she could be testing you, and if she still doesn’t reply, leave it, deserve a lot better.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2019): just to clarify and to the agony aunts who get a head of themselves on here. I wasn’t after a romantic relationship with her, only friendship. and I knew it wouldn’t lead to anything more. I’m not that stupid, and knew the score. the reason why I messaged her after a few days, was because I did not want to come across as desperate or needy, and to be not as bothered about her. I only asked her what she was studying, if she was coming back to work and if she was in her second year in college, that was all. I didn’t ask her if she wanted a one night stand or ask her on a date, it was just general talk between friends.I don’t know whether to message her and clarify a few things so she felt reassured I wasn’t pursing more than just friendship. how should I go about this and what do I say to her?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2019): Let me add something. I think there's more to be said.
Noting that she was only with your company for only 3 months. You were friendly and made her feel welcomed. Perhaps being a newby, not many other people extended the friendliness that you did. Only, you mistook her eagerness to be acknowledged and feel welcome on a new job as a precursor to a romantic-connection.
I'm going to take a wild guess that she's in her 20's, and you took a fancy to her. She liked you up until she realized you were somewhat coming-on to her, in an indirect way. Maybe she got a little creeped-out. Nobody likes to be ignored or feel invisible at work; and maybe you were the only person nice enough to carry-on conversation.
I wouldn't keep contacting her. You don't want her to feel uncomfortable to the point she will block you. If she does decide to do that anyway, let it be.
Exercise your dignity and maturity, and let this pass.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2019): Man-up and accept that she may not have any romantic-interest, or desire for your friendship.
She was being polite while having friendly chat with you at work; but she may have decided that you may be interested in more than just being friends.
Silence is her humane, but effective way of letting you know she isn't interested in you in that way. It's letting you know in no uncertain terms that she will neither lead you on; nor will she pretend not to sense the ulterior motive behind your friendship request.
Please don't take it badly. Your attraction to her just got a little ahead of you. Give yourself a little time to settle-down. You feel a little rejected, that bruises the pride. You'll be fine before you know it. Don't push it, let her be.
She has moved-on; and so should you, dear sir.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (20 October 2019):
 As she has gone back to college, I am guessing this ex colleague is much younger than you. I suspect she has now reconnected with her friends at college and has moved on from her working stint with your company.
I do have to say that I find it a bit strange that you messaged her, got a reply and then waited a few days before carrying on the conversation. I know you say it was to give her space but it seems a bit odd to not just finish a conversation in one go. Maybe that's just me.
She has your contact details if she decides she wants to stay in contact. I would leave her be and move on. If you don't hear from her for a while, quietly unfriend her. You can't force her to stay in contact.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 October 2019):
Taker her NOT replying as a MASSIVE hint that she isn't interested in you to the degree you are in her.
I think she said that it was OK to friend her on Facebook because she felt it would be rude to say no.
If she REALLY wanted to be friends/Facebook friends she would have been more engaging and messaged you too. Instead you got short replies or no reply. Hoping you would get the hint and back off.
Personally, if I were you I'd just unfriend her and move on.
And lastly, OP Don't go looking for romance in the work place it's just not a good idea for the most part. I know this one was leaving so it COULD have been OK except she wasn't interested. And that happens.
It seems a bit weird that you two had many good conversation while she was working there and then "boom" not want to talk to you after she leaves. So I can see why you thought the feelings were mutual and I don't think you did anything wrong by asking her about Facebook.
Some people are just a bit fake.
Chin up.
...............................
A
female
reader, AnnieV1979 +, writes (20 October 2019):
 I think co-worker was just friendly and chatty b/c she worked with you and was passing the time. I think she's a nice person but she didn't want your relationship to go past that. Now that she sees you asking questions about her personal life, she sees that you're interested in more than that. She doesn't want to lead you on.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2019): You can't do anything, it's her choice to have not replied. I find social media a farce, people will publicly act all friendly but when it comes to privately I have come to conclude it's just a facade. My daughter went to university last month and put it on Facebook, my cousin who lives there commented if she needed any help and to meet up she would be there for her. My daughter messaged her privately and asked about applying for a job at a large store where she is the manageress and she read and completely ignored her.
A couple of weeks ago I commented on a friends post, she was all friendly, stay in touch blah blah, I messaged her privately this week, she read it and ignored it. People are like that, it's not a personal thing to you. We can make excuses for them and for her but top and bottom line is their friendliness is a facade.
You have done nothing wrong, its human nature
...............................
|
