A
female
age
41-50,
*adilin
writes:well i left my abusive bf(the father of my 5 year old twins)about a year ago and i am lonely and misserable i live at my moms cause i cant afford my own place.my ex has a live in girlfriend and his own apt and he appears to be happy and not abusive to her or her son.and my question is y is he happy in a great relationship and i dont have a man and why is their relationship not abusive in any way he never went anywhere with me and the kids or even to my families house but he does all sorts of things with the new gf.i do not want him back at all just want to no why his new relationship is great.its not right that i was sad for 6 years in the relationship and left and im still sad and he continues to be happy Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (10 August 2010):
 He will abuse her! I bet it started slowly with you too. Abusers can not start off abusing or they would never have a relationship they have to draw their victims in first and make them feel powerless before they start. He will be in the beginning stages of abusing her I bet. He'll be starting to control who she sees first.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2010): I say the same thing. You cannot not focus on a man. You have do be focused on yourself and build your self esteem up. Get into some activities and or hobbies to occupy your time. You will feel so much better within. If you not happy within yourself you cannot and shouldnt be dependant on a relationship to fill that void. It won't. You have a child. You have to be 10x stronger for that child. He or she will be looking at you for a positive upbringing. You said he was abusive to you. Thank God that is out of your life. He is not that way to his new girlfriend. That is a good thing. Your child will not have to endure that pain then. You should be happy for that part. His new girlfriend is not you. You are two totally different people with different identities. Be happy he moved. You may have wanted that for you but it does not always work out. Keep believing in yourself. God will bring the right man in your life.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2010): Oh gosh, I get this feeling that you are feeling like 'you' did something to warrant his abuse, simply because he 'appears' different with his new gf. Your ex-bf abused you..he was a creep to do that. All you ever did wrong was you made a poor choice to date him in the first place..a mistake. But you got out of there and now you are safe. Don't skew all this in your head and feel like you were responsible for this relationship failure! You were not--failure would have been staying with him and putting yourself and your children, at further risk.
Now about this new gf of his. You say he loves her and is happy with her. Or at least, as far as 'you' know-he is this way with her. You have to remember, if it's a fairly new relationship, like dirtball says, they are in the 'honeymoon' phase. Two things are happening here. He's either a changed man (which is highly, highly unlikely) or....he's on his best behaviour, but just for now. You know him-do you think he can change? For abusive men, all they know is control and inflicting pain. They are broken people. They have the problem for a lifetimes and quite often it takes years of intensive therapy for a man like this to fully realize the error of his ways. If he abused you..I bet my bottom dollar, he will abuse again. I feel compassion for his new gf-she may end up being his next victim.
Get on with your life and don't dwell on this one. You saved yourself and your kids. Stand tall and be proud of that. The best thing you can do now is stay strong and live your life in a happy and well way. I wish you the best and please take care, hun.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2010): im sorry that u seem to b having a rough time. As has already been said their relationship is probably in the honeymoon period, that soon wears off. Plus you dont know what goes on behind closed doors, their relationship may seem perfect but it may b just as distructive. Try and let go of these feelings and him. You've got two children who need their mummy. There are plenty of places u cud go to try and build new friendships and relationships. If u have some spare time volunteer with your local childrens groups such as scouts or brownies/guides to help you get to know the people in your community better, or mayb your local church group or fitness classes. Just b yourself, but dont be afraid to put yourself back up there, you wont find new friends or another man by hiding away. I wish u all the best of luck. Poppy
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2010): Hi
Don't be fooled you should know better he will probably abuse her in private. It is hard for you not to get bitter but you did make the right choice and in time your life will be better and you will find happiness. Although you suffered you should only concentrate on making your life good now. You never deserved any of the abuse and just because it appears that he is happier now does not really matter, think of what makes you happy and he certainly does not. Forget the unfairness and be glad you have your freedom. Get dressed up start to enjoy yourself, go dancing, go take a new course of study meet new people and build a new circle of freinds. If you just sit thinking all these negaive thoughts it won't help you and a new man will not be imressed, let the past go and begin again be strong. You have the world at your feet and you don't see it.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (9 August 2010):
 Because life isn't fair.
If it makes you feel better, they are likely in their honeymoon phase and all this happiness will likely fade with time. I bet your relationship with him wasn't bad at the start either.
My advice to you is to focus on yourself and your children. Do your best to not worry about whatever it is that your ex is doing. It will be hard, but it will be worth it. Do some things for yourself that will make you feel better. Focus on you, you need your focus more than he does.
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A
female
reader, Fefi  +, writes (9 August 2010):
 Maybe this is just the beginning. Think about it, wasn't he all lovey-dovey towards you when you two first met? This is a new girlfriend you're talking about, and so I wouldn't be surprised when it all starts again between them two in a few months. Also, he had won your heart before and knows that you are now a weak target for him. Don't be so jelous, don't show him that you envy their commitment, because you don't. Just prove yourself to be strong; find someone who you truly believe will NOT ruin high hopes and can bring a meaning to the word 'finance' in your case. When you find this macho, be proud that you split up with him and feel sorry for that jerk's next victim, pass them in the street with happy faces and passion stronger than any other relationship.
Now the next step; finding Mr. Right...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2010): you just have to know its not your fault. Work on yourself and recover from it. It is hard but you need to in order to be happy. I feel the same way. I just found out my gf has been lying to me since day one. And i know the next bf she has will reap the reward for my pain and sorrow. Its a hard pill to swallow but we both need to do it for our own health
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female
reader, Gemmarrr  +, writes (9 August 2010):
well you dont really no if there really happy she ciould be hideing up the truth. when people are abusive to there partner some people hide it away because there scared and some people fight back or leave them but you never know unless you try talking to her. i think it isnt your fault and i would try to move on and try and find someonje els i know its probly hard but i would think about your twins
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A
female
reader, OhGetReal +, writes (9 August 2010):
 You have a six year history with a man who was abusive to you.
He is with a new woman and not abusive to her or her kid. He's been with her for only 5 months.
Give him time, a leapord never changes his spots and neither does a dysfunctional disordered abusive male.
By the way, stop following your exes romantic life, I know it's hard, but he is with her because he can't stand to be alone, he probably has a shakey identity and low self esteem and has to have some woman in order to either distract himself from his crappy feelings or to have someone else give him an identity, but he will start doing what he does best eventually and project those crappy things he feels about himself onto her and the abuse begins yet again, and the infidelity and lying that goes along with that.
You my lady, need to take a break from dating and figure out why it is that you thought you deserved six years of being in an abusive relationship. More often than not women like yourself choose yet another abuser to get involved with. The best thing you can do is to get into counseling with a therapist to help you build back your self esteem, get over the trauma you experienced in this relationship and then to learn to make better choices in men because you may just not be attracted to normal healthy males.
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