A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:I am a little confused right now and thank in advance anyone who takes the time out to answer my question. Why is it that after a breakup the person who intiates the breakup always wants friendship and then when you offer it to them they do not want it....at least in my case. I tried the friendship route with my ex. I kept in occasional touch by email..he would always respond politely, sometimes flirtatiously. My gut feeling was that despite what he said he did not want my friendhip and may have only said this to soften the blow of the breakup. I emailed him to tell him I would be ok with terminating contact with him...just be upfront and tell me. He has not gotten back to me and I am frustrated and upset that he was not more honest at the time of the breakup. Any insights on what could have happend here?
View related questions:
a break, flirt, my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Spl-ash  +, writes (11 June 2007):
 i know the feeling of uncertainty n expectation..
what i think is u r spending too much time thinking of him as it has ended. give urself time to move on. By asking him upfront a question he needs to answer by 'yes' or 'no' u are cornering him. guys need space or so they claim.
If he wants to stay in contact he will keep in touch. I think u may have hurt his ego by saying u can move on.
Give it some time n send him a nice email saying u value his friendship n u r keeping the door open.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to everyone who took the time to reply. As usual I am impressed with insight that people show and all four of these answers were good and thoughtful ones. THANK YOU!!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2007): Sometimes breakups, and the previous unmet expectations of the relationship are so painful that it is unrealistic to espect sonething that was once so intimate can suddenly turn platonic. Give it time, but even then things don't always work out. Ususally the partner with the least feelings or emotional investment is the one who won't hurt as much seeing their ex on a friendship basis; at least that has been my experience.
...............................
A
female
reader, sunrise +, writes (10 June 2007):
 Hi, In my experience every break up has ended with the words 'we'll remain friends' and for a while this is the case, then as soon as they feel you've got over the break up and are ok with the situation they widen the space that they needed in the first place.
I doubt he'll give you a negative answer to your question because then he will have put a line under his options.
I feel that you were maybe hoping for a reconcilliation and now you just feel let down and hurt that he could even consider ignoring your email. Dont be hard on yourself, you acted as a friend and gave him the option to withdraw contact, he chose not to acknowledge your email, so why not move on with your life and if he contacts you keep things light and friendly but not desperate if you know what i mean. Enjoy your life be happy x
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2007): A lot of people use that 'We can still be friends' after a breakup because it does lessen the blow I suppose. What I can gather though is you still really care for this guy and are hoping by staying friends you will get back together. He is probably very aware of this, wants to move on and is therefore distancing himself from you completely. Looks as though this relationship has well and truly run its course. If he really wanted to stay friends then he would have all the initiative and be contacting you on a regular basis, rather than you doing all the chasing. Make a clean break for yourself, I know this is difficult, but as long as you are in contact with him you will always have that glimmer of hope that he will come back to you. Then it will take you a lot longer to get over him and move on. The sooner you make a clean break, the sooner you will feel better and hopefully meet someone new.
...............................
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (10 June 2007):
 I've been there and I understand how you feel. I don't know the details of your situation, so I will offer some alternatives as to what may be happening.
First, obviously you're a fine person. If you weren't, then he wouldn't care about softening the blow and offering you his friendship, nor would he care about e-mailing you back. I say this because sometimes your being offended about people not being honest to you hides the fact that you feel like people didn't respect you as an intelligent person.
Now, maybe what seemed "friendly" to you was "more than friendly" to him. Check if this happened.
Then, "occasional" can be a key word here. If you e-mailed him more often than his friends usually do, then he may have felt you wanted more than friendship, even if you discussed only general issues.
Maybe he's not gotten back to you because he wants you to come to understand that, indeed, he was only softening the blow. It's difficult to tell a fine person that you don't love her anymore, especially if she hasn't done anything wrong to you, or if she's someone you care about. Don't take his not being upfront as a bad sign in itself.
In any case, if I were you, I would take the safe route. If he won't e-mail you, don't e-mail him anymore. Anyways, obviously the two of you won't be together anymore and you need to move on to other interests. Don't worry about it being fair or unfair. Get over him. The sooner, the better for you.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2007): Hi, =]
I would just like to say they may want to be your friend and take it down the friend route, but go back in your mind.... did he really say he wanted to be 'friends' or did he just imply it?
There is a chance he wants to get back together with you, and you took it as friends and he was annoyed about that.
Maybe he just hasnt had time to look at his e-mails lately, although he seemed to be pretty fast at replying to you, do you really know whats going on with his life... try again without being pushy. Start talking to him again as you did, and just forget about it if he wants to reply he can but you are obviously very indipendant and don't need him.
=]x
...............................
|
